A PATH TO HAPPINESS

A PATH TO HAPPINESS & FULFILLMENT

This was written to help ANYONE find a Happier and more Fulfilling life.   I wrote it especially for those of you who feel Depressed or Stuck in Life.

It is my hope that all of you can find a measure of happiness, contentment, and fulfillment in your lives, no matter what the circumstances of your lives are.  It is my hope that you will be able to look in the mirror and see the true beauty of who you are, and love yourself.

I know this seems like a lot to read, but isn't happiness worth the effort?  I believe that these steps can truly help you in a major way, as long as you actively choose to improve your life, and commit yourself to the process.  Some people have plenty of Dopamine and Endorphins to keep them feeling good, motivated and riding high, but even these people can find there lives feeling empty and unfulfilled, and all of us will experience depression at some point in our lives.

I have suffered a great deal in life, and from that suffering I have gained some wisdom learned some very important lessons.  As a result, despite my having to live a life overshadowed by great physical pain, with my remaining time dwindling, I can still lead a relatively happy and fulfilled life. No matter what life keeps throwing at me, I keep making the best of it.  But making the best of life is not automatic, you have to work at it.

Happiness and fulfillment do not come from outside of you, it comes from within you.  You can have every material thing possible in the world, with tons of friends, and still be depressed and kill yourself. You can be dying and suffering greatly, yet still have happiness and fulfillment.  We often create our own prisons and our own hell.

1. Start with a DETERMINED CHOICE to do whatever is necessary, so that you can live a Happier and more Fulfilled life. Everything will stem from this. CHOICE EMPOWERS US. We are our choices. Our choices determine who we are. The path of your life is made up of millions upon millions of choices, each a fork in you path of your life. Too many times we give away our choices, letting other people, entities, or randomness choose for us. Do this too much and you start to loose yourself.  Start this journey with Determined Choice and Personal Empowerment.

2. Be vigilant in watching for NEGATIVE THOUGHTS percolating up from your subconscious and choose not to wallow in those negative thoughts.

3. Counter any negative thoughts with the truth, with counter evidence, a perhaps a positive after-thought to go with it. For example, if you get a flat tire and have the thought, "My Life Sucks," counter with, "Not true, a flat tire sucks, but my life is relatively good, and I am going to deal with this just fine."

4. Do some POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS every single day.  When you are depressed, much more is required.  Say them out-loud or write them down at least once a day.  Say a short list of them to yourself every hour or so, and a longer list three times a day.

5. Each day, notice and focus on what YOU HAVE, more than what you do not have.
Each day, notice and focus on what is POSITIVE in your life, more than on the NEGATIVES.

6. Each day, notice and focus on what you Love about YOUR LIFE, more than what you hate about your life.

7. Each day, notice and focus on what you Love about YOURSELF, more than what you hate about yourself.

8. Each day, notice and focus on what you Love about PEOPLE, more than what you hate about people.

9. Nurture your connections with people, particularly with the people you care about the most.

10. Manifest some sort of creativity into your life.

11. Feel as if you are part of something, or feel a sense of purpose or belonging.

12. Give-of-yourself to the benefit of those in need, with no expectation of return (like volunteer work).  Truly, the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself, is to give to others, of yourself, for the benefit of others, and without expectation of return. I highly recommend it. It can also return our humanity to us, if it is lost, and it can pull us out of ourselves and back in the world, when we are lost and in despair inside up ourselves.

13. Treat yourself and others with COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, RESPECT, HONESTY, FAIRNESS, TOLERANCE, and TRUSTWORTHINESS.

14. FORGIVE YOURSELF & OTHERS.  This is a process of LETTING GO OF NEGATIVE FEELINGS like hate, anger, resentment, disappointment, guilt, shame, desire for revenge or retribution, and jealousy.

15. Take nothing for granted, feel gratitude for that which you have in your life, and try to get the most enjoyment out of life that you can, while you are most able to do so.

16. CHOOSE to look for beauty in the world around you.  I have come to recognize it in the most amazing of places. I can find great beauty in a muddy puddle of water, or in the old wrinkled naked body of a 90 year old person. I can look at a war ravaged landscape and see the beauty of single human spirit struggling to love and hope in a desert wasteland of humanity. The more difficult it is to find beauty, the harder you have to look, but it is there.

17. CHOOSE to see the physical world around in terms of light, shadow, and billion of colors. You can choose to open your eyes and actually SEE the world around you, look at the world going by, instead of looking at your walking feet, or staring blankly ahead. Stop and focus on things and people to truly experience life and be a part of it. Use all of your senses.

18. Look in a mirror and see the great beauty in the person staring back at you, and be filled with the wonder of it all.

19. You do not know what life holds for you tomorrow. Instead of agonizing over tomorrow, get the most out of today. The future can be feared, or it can be seen as an EXCITING ADVENTURE.

20. COURAGE: It takes courage to live, courage to love, courage to think for ourselves, courage to be happy and experience joy, courage to seek beauty and truth, courage to be a person of integrity and good character, courage to create, courage to overcome adversity and our many fears, courage to open our eyes and ears, courage to reach out and help other, or being willing to accepted it when you need it…The alternative is to not do those things and be like most people.

Courage cannot take place without fear, because courage is about overcoming fear and adversity. Fear helps to keep you alive and cautious enough to keep you in one piece.  But fear can also paralyze us and not allow us to save ourselves.  Fear can prevent us from living as we wish to live, and from obtaining our dreams.  We naturally FEAR the Unknown, but another way to look at the unknown is that it can be an ADVENTURE.  Let your sense of Adventure temper (counterbalance) your Fear.

PREPARING FOR COURAGE:

1. If you need or want to do something or say something, but you are very much afraid to do so, start by looking at what you are afraid of.  Let us say you are afraid to Come-out to parents and freinds about your Sexual Identity.   What are you afraid of?  Make a list.  It could become violent, you might get called you names, you might get rejected, you might get betrayed and outed to other people, you might get thrown out of your home, etc.  Are you afraid to give your opinion when you are with friends?  Are you afraid to go to ask a person out on a date?  Are you afraid to introduce yourself to someone you are attracted to? Are you afraid to apply for a job?  Are you afraid to go to college?  In each thing, list your fears.
   
   
2. Look at your list of fears from above.  Some of these fears are more imaginary than real.  Try to determine which are real and which are more imaginary. Rank your fears by probability.  For example, how likely is it that you will get thrown out of your home.  Does you amount of fear match how probable it is to happen?
   
   
3. For the legitimate fears and most probable fears, how dangerous or risky are they?  Typically, we exaggerate and blow risks and danger way out of proportion.  If there is a snake on the floor, do you really need to scream and climb up on a table?  Is your amount of fear in line with the amount of real danger and risk?
   
   
4. Can you mitigate and reduce fears by changing how you do things? For example, if you are afraid to go to a bar alone, can you go with a friend? Can you research something more and ask for advice to make you feel less afraid?  Fear should make you CAUTIOUS but NOT CONTROL YOU, or hold you back or paralyze you.
   
   
5. Convince yourself why you need to do make this choice that you are afraid of—weigh the Pros and Cons.  Why do you need to, or want to do something or say something that you are afraid of? Sell yourself on doing it, talk yourself into doing it, build a case for doing it.
   
   
6. When you look at doing something scary, it can really help if you try to see it also as an ADVENTURE with an element of excitement.  Danger can be fun sometimes.

BUILDING COURAGE:

1. The first step in building courage is to make a solid and definitive choice to say or do what you need or desire to do, and then COMMIT to it completely.  This is a very important step.    
   
   
2. Build Determination and Perseverance. Determination is firmness of purpose that you are fully committed to.  Perseverance is steadfastness and unwavering resoluteness.  This means that you that when your fears keeps coming back, you do not let it change your mind, and you keep pushing yourself forward towards your goal.
   
   
3. Push Yourself Through Your Fears.  Push yourself to do or say what is needed or desired, and keep pushing yourself through your fears.  Use the determination and Perseverance from above to POWER your pushing. Remember your Power of Choice in your first step.  This is your choice to determine your own path through life.
   
   
4. Be Persistent and Tenacious. If your courage fails, try again and again. Do not give up.  To overcome my Autism, I decided that I had to introduce myself to one new stranger per night, no matter what.  On my first attempt, I felt panic, heart pounding, feeling sick in my stomach. I tried again the next night, and failed.  I looked around and realized that some people were less scary than others.  The cuter the guys were that harder it was for me to got to that person.  So I started with a cute Lesbian instead, and was finally able to do it.

That which is seen as a heroic act of courage to many people, may not big deal to the one who did it, who may have seen it simply as a matter of honor and duty; and that which is seen as a tiny act of courage to many people, may be heroic to the one who did it.  Courage is something we use every single day. Recognize your bravery for what it is, and let it empower you to have the courage to keep growing and to keep improving who you are.

21. Take Reasonable RISKS.  Weigh Risk against real dangers. Nothing is danger-free. Anything worth having, worth going for, will require risk-taking.  You must take risks just to ask for a date, risks to Love, risks to go for a promotion.

22. Empower yourself through the power of Personal CHOICE. Empower Yourself with a good sense of Self-Worth and Self-Confidence.

23. Walk, stand, and sit tall, shoulders rolled up and back, chin and eyes level (unless otherwise occupied).  This is the posture of personal power, self-confidence, success, leadership, courage, high self-worth, professionalism, and competence.  PROJECT THIS OUTWARD and INWARD.

Slouching, with eyes cast down, is the posture of a loser, projecting weakness, defeat, fear, timidity, low self-confidence, low self-worth, lacking professionalism and competence, and someone who is a follower, a lackey.

Stand tall with your back to a wall, spine straight, with the heels of your feet, your butt, shoulders and the back of your head all touching the wall.  This is the correct posture. Try it in front of a full length mirror. It will feel very weird, awkward and difficult to do at first, because all of your muscles and ligaments are set in the old posture.  If you keep pushing yourself and reminding yourself to do it right, all of your muscles and ligaments will conform to your new correct posture and you will feel most comfortable in the correct posture. It may take months to do.

If possible, have a friend either photograph or videotape you walking, standing and sitting as you normally do. Then, once you practice doing it right, do this again with your new posture.

24. SET GOALS for yourself.  Humans are Goal Oriented. It is easier to complete tasks when we have reasonable goals, when we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Therefore set yourself a number of Short-term Goals and some Long-term Goals.

25. Always be FLEXIBLE and willing to ADAPT to the changing world around you. Do not fear change. We tend to see automatically Change at bad, and we therefore resist change.  Embrace change.  Many things happen that we have NO say in, things thrown at us by life itself, like being in an earthquake.

26. MAKE THE VERY MOST OUT OF WHAT YOU HAVE.  I do not want to die soon, but I am going to—it the hand of cards I have been dealt by life.  I will do my best to hand on for as long as I can, but in the mean time, I must make the very most out of the time I have left. It has been a physically agonizing journey, and it is going to get worse and worse.  Should I dwell on that?  Should I dwell on dying?  If I do, then whatever time I have left will be even more miserable.

Each day, I look for how I can make the most of the day. I make sure to listen to music, lay in bed and fantasize and dream, in a world I made.  I write to many people, trying to help them live a life I cannot. I look for the tiny things everyone else take for granted, my partner in life, the care he gives, his patience, his love, his willingness to stay and care for me, getting lost in a piece of art, loving the feel of the sun falling on my face, hearing the joyous play of children down the street, eating a cookie, stroking my pussy (cat), the warmth of the shower water cascading down my body, and on and on. It all adds up. What do you focus on?  What do you have, in comparison to me? You have a future full of possibilities, adventures, love... Yes, there will be suffering too, but without that, you would not appreciate the good stuff.

27. GUILT & SHAME have only one appropriate purpose in life, which is to be a consequence and punishment for doing something you knew to be wrong, but did it anyway, and to also help prevent you from doing bad things again. Once guilt and shame have done their job of teaching you a lesson, it can be and should be LET GO of. This 'Letting Go' is called Forgiveness. Much of the Guilt and Shame we experience in life is inappropriate and illegitimate.

We have a culture very much centered in guilt and shame, where guilt and shame are very misused, often by parents, religion and others, as primary tools for manipulation, coercion, intimidation, gaining obedience and cooperation, discipline, punishment, subjugation, a tool for predators, blackmail, and compelling others.  They load inappropriate Blame, Guilt and Shame on you.  You then internalize all of this into yourself.  People like me keep taking responsibility for things I should not, while other people in society refuse to take responsibility for the things they should. The more sensitive a person you are, the more Blame and Responsibly you tend to take-on for things you have little or no real responsibility or blame for.

The process of being programmed to feel inappropriate guilt and shame can range from very subtle to very blatant, and is typically spread over an entire childhood, causing great damage later in life.  For example, let's look at just the use of the words "I" and "YOU" by parents, and how children get trained to feel guilt when they should not:

Imagine Johnny, a young boy who wants to play ball with his father and waits all day for him to come home.  Dad comes home tired and wants to rest, but little Johnny keeps tugging on him and asking to play ball.  Dad gets annoyed and angrily shouts, "Stop bothering me, you're being a pest." The words 'YOU' and 'PEST' transfer blame and responsibility for Dad's anger to Johnny, telling Johnny that he is to blame for his Dad's anger, telling him that he has done something wrong and that he is a bad boy.

But Johnny is only doing what little boys do, he is not to blame for anything.  Dad is responsible for his own anger, tiredness and annoyance.  This sends all the wrong signals to Johnny, and 18 years of growing up like this can make a big difference in how Johnny develops and takes on guilt and shame he is not responsible for. Add to this Johnny's Church blaming him and shaming him for his own natural feelings.

Imagine instead if Dad had said, "Hey Johnny, I am really tired, how about we make a deal, I sit and rest for 20 minutes, then we go play ball." With the 'I' word, Dad takes responsibility and does not place blame on Johnny.  Additionally, he is also teaching Johnny to NEGOTIATE solutions as a healthy way of resolving problems, instead of anger, intimidation and fighting.

When there are problems in the family, such as a divorce, fighting, alcoholism, addictions, and sibling fighting, kids can feel responsible for it and blame themselves, feeling guilt and shame.

The vast majority of Guilt and Shame I carried for much of my life was NOT legitimate, it was put on me by others.   I took on the Guilt and Shame for things people did to ME, because it must be my fault, right?  I was trained to take the blame for what others did, to feel fault, blame, guilt and shame, even though I had done nothing wrong, such as being Autistic.  I grew up Catholic, where fear, guilt and shame are used to control people and to bind them to the church. I was also told I was bad, evil, disgusting, and an Abomination for being born Gay.

OVERCOMING GUILT & SHAME: Every single time you have feelings of Guilt and/or Shame, stop yourself and closely examine those feelings to determine if they are legitimate and appropriate, and if they are legitimate, how much of it is your responsibility. Only take responsibility for your legitimate share of the blame, when either others or life itself are also to blame.  Other people will constantly try to shift Responsibility, Blame, Guilt and Shame to you. DO NOT ACCEPT IT. If you have feelings of Guilt and Shame that are illegitimate and inappropriate, LET GO OF THEM.  If you are legitimately guilty, learn from the mistake, apologize if possible, then either try to fix it or make amends if possible, then LET GO of the Guilt and Shame, and MOVE-ON.

28. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES:  We all make mistakes in life, and 'if' we learn and grow through our mistakes, we gain Wisdom. The more you challenge yourself in life the more mistakes you will make, and thus the greater your opportunity to grow and gain wisdom. Mistakes are a critical process in our GROWTH as a person.   Those who make few mistakes in life are those who never do anything, who never extend themselves.  Obviously we should try to avoid mistakes, especially the really big mistakes, like getting drunk, driving and killing someone. But if you learn enough from smaller mistakes, it can help you to avoid the bigger ones. Mistakes can also help us appreciate what we have, like almost dying helps you appreciate life, or cheating on your lover making your realize how much you actually love him or her. Mistakes can be a wake-up call to alert you about the path you are own, or your lack of awareness about your behavior, etc.

If you keep making the same mistakes over and over again, you obviously are not learning or growing from them. This is why old age does automatically mean a person is wise. While religion sees many mistakes as sins, they are in fact an opportunity to learn and become a better person. Some religions offer you the reward of a Heaven for being good and the punishment of a Hell for being bad, but my approach is to choose to be a good person out my out of my own DESIRE to be good. This is a better tool than guilt and shame.

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF-UP FOR MISTAKES, there is NOTHING GAINED by doing so.  What is done is done and is now in the past.  Once you learn from your mistakes and pay the consequences, be determined to never repeat the mistake and then LET GO OF GUILT AND SHAME, because there is nothing more to be gained by those things.

29. LET GO OF PAST SUFFERING. Do not wallow in the past, good or bad.  It is the present and the future that matter.  LEARN FROM THE PAST, THEN LET IT GO.

SUFFERING can be a good thing.  Learn to always look for the bright side of things.  I have suffered in life more than many other people, but also less than many other people.  I suffered with Autism, other brain disorders, physical defects, bigotry, child abuse, arthritis from a young age, other health problems, depression, aI was used and taken advantage of by others, betrayed...  Yes, every bit of it has made me into the man I am now, and I happen to really like who I am now.   Suffering has given me a real appreciation for everything I have.  Suffering has given me a deeper understanding of life and people, especially a much greater insight into myself.  I have gained so much compassion for others, and a greater capacity to Love, to be open, to be forgiving, and to be giving.  Suffering can be a gift that give you much, if you can see it and accept it.

Each time I lost love, I appreciated the next love even more.  The intensity of love I felt made the past suffering well worth it. The deeper into a pit you fall, the higher you will be able to fly later.  

30. If you can find COMPASSION for others, then apply it to yourself.  Have compassion for yourself.

31. GET OUT & MEET PEOPLE, MAKE FRIENDS.  Extend yourself to others.  I am accused of being too open and trusting.  I get used by some people, taken advantage of and betrayed.  But is all well worth it for the great BOUNTY OF LOVE I receive. I am OPEN and have few boundaries.  This may have started with my Autism, but end-up being my choice.  By being so open, it is like presenting an open door to others, welcoming them in, and many people respond with equal openness.  When this happens, you get sharing and friendship.

32. SHED MAJOR SECRETS and Experience FREEDOM.  My first great experience was when i came-out to my sister.  I had the barrel of a gun in mouth, the burden of a lifetime of living a lie, hiding my gayness, hiding my autism.  I heard the homophobia so much I had internalized it.  I hated myself, I had no sense of self left, just lies.  then I decided to at least try to come out.  i chose my little sister, who accepted me, then later came-out herself.  It was like having a mountain crushing me, suddenly reduced to a mole-hill.  Someone knew who I was.  After I had come-out to all my family and friends, it left my shipmates.  But at sea, if anyone found out I was Gay, some of them would have tossed my over the side to die, without a second thought. When I quite going to sea, I wrote over 50 letters to my friends at sea, coming out.  I cannot describe what a feeling of FREEDOM I felt.  I vowed to NEVER LIVE  LIE AGAIN.

Secrets eat at us from the inside out.  I openly talk about myself, my mistakes, my problems, my lessons learned, and my achievements.  I will easily talk to anyone about my being raped, about my Autism, about really embarrassing mistakes that I have made, about my shortcomings, about my sex life, about everything I used to be ashamed of and kept a deep secret.  When you start to talk about those things, it sucks the SHAME and GUILT right out of them.  I have a wonderful sense of freedom now, nothing to hide.  Set yourself FREE.

33. Hate is like ‘you’ drinking Poison, then waiting for the other person to die. ERASE HATE FROM YOUR LIFE.  It rots you from the inside out.  Even when you have been horribly and terribly wronged, your hate will continue to victimized for the rest of your life, until you can let go of it.  Use FORGIVENESS to erase Hate.

34. Be willing to CRY.  Crying is very healing, especially when you share it with someone you love and trust.  Force LAUGHTER. Laughter actually increases endorphins in your brain, the stuff that induces natural euphoria, and will help you feel better.

35. SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH OTHERS.  Love is all about sharing and connection.  I share my life with many. Some people will be helped by hearing my story, and I am helped by telling it.  When you share of yourself, it is an ACT OF LOVE.  It also says that you are not ashamed of your life.  

36. DO NOT BUILD WALLS, Do NOT BECOME JADED, CALLOUS & HARD-SHELLED.  THESE THINGS LIMIT LOVE.  When we get hurt, it is natural to want to build walls of protection to keep us from getting hurt again.  The problem is that those walls of protection become PRISON WALLS.  Those walls do not just keep out the bad stuff, they also keep out the good stuff, keep the good stuff in you from getting out, as well as isolating you.  The walls will SMOTHER you.

We become Jaded and Calloused when we lose the ability to TRUST other people.  Please remember that even though some people will betray you, not all people will.

For example, if the person you love breaks-up with you, it can shatter your life, or at least feel that way.  If you build walls of protection you will never have to worry about breaking-up again, but you will also be alone and without the special love of a life-partner, or you will have a partner, but only have a shallow relationship.  LOVE REQUIRES DEEP CONNECTION & SHARING.  

No matter how badly shattered-love feels, it is worth the pain you feel to Fall In Love again. You will appreciate your new love even more and feel it even more intensely, UNLESS you have become calloused, jaded, or have walls of protection to limit or prevent your love.

37. REJECTION: Something that can help you understand rejection is to understand how a Key and Lock work: Please see How Lock Picking Works home.howstuffworks.com/home-im…

Inside a lock body are things called Tumblers. These are tiny pins that line up to the grooves and notches cut in your key. When the correct key is inserted, the tumbler-pins spring into the grooves and notches of the key, all lining-up and allowing the key to rotate, unlock the door and allow the door to be opened.  If the wrong key is inserted into the lock, the tumbler-pins do not line-up correctly, the key will not rotate, and the door will not open.

ROMANTIC LOVE  & FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE A LOCK WITH MANY, MANY TUMBLERS.  Both of you have to be the right key to open each other's doors.

For LONG-TERM ROMANTIC LOVE or FRIENDSHIP to work, it is a matter of all the right tumblers in the lock falling into place, or the door won't open—Romantic Love does not happen. However, even if the door opens wide, he or she still has to walk through the door. Not walking through the door can happen out of fear, pain, not being ready for commitment or a relationship, or many other reasons.  Even when it seems a match made in heaven, things can be at play that block it from happening. Each of us are beautifully matched to many, many people, and NOT matched to even more people.

When you do not match in enough ways, you do not get together, or you end-up breaking-up. IT IS NOT REJECTION OF WHO YOU ARE.  The person is telling you that all the tumblers do not match and the key is not a good fit in the lock.  Why should you take that as personal rejection?

Two people can actually LOVE each other, and NOT be compatible. You can both be perfect keys to unlock each other's doors, but if one or both of you is not ready yet for a relationship, or has an intimacy issue, problems with trust or commitment, or an inability to be sexually faithful, etc, then a relationship may not work.  Even when you seem perfect for each other, one or both of you may not be ready or able to be in a relationship.  This is tragic when it happens.

What if I told you that I was madly in love with you and I thought you were beautiful?  If you then said, "I'm not into dirty old Queers, you are so disgusting for saying that," even that is not personal rejection, just bigotry and bad manners. If we INTERNALIZE these things, then they hurt us.  DO NOT TAKE IT INSIDE OF YOU. It does not belong there.

The idea is that a lot of different things have to click between two people to make love happen.  The younger you are, the more likely people will USE you and be cruel.  Some people are cruel because they are heartless or embittered, but others can seem cruel because they are too immature or unable to emotionally express themselves.

SEA STORY —> THE UGLIEST MAN I EVER KNEW:

One of my senior cadets was the ugliest guy I or my shipmates had ever seen.  But in every port, he came back to the ship with HOT and beautiful women.  A cadet who was braver than I, asked him what his secret was.  He sat down and said, "It is the easiest thing in the world.  When I walk into a bar or club, I simply looked around for the most beautiful woman in the place, then I walk up to her and introduce myself and see if she is interested in conversation, even if she is talking to someone already. If she wants nothing to do with me, I simply look around for the next most beautiful woman in the place.  Eventually one will be interested in my personality, which is confident and up-beat.”

The secret is to NEVER TAKE REJECTION PERSONALLY.  Almost every time you are rejected, it is not YOU being rejected.  You are simply not a good match.

38. REGRETS:  I have many regrets in life.  I regret that I was 35 years old before I understood enough to get help and actually learn how to live life and find happiness.  I regret developing arthritis at age 12, then having it cripple me shortly after learning how to live, not giving much time to actually live freely.  I regret being born Autistic, which isolated me for so long.  I regret have a dysfunctional family and being physically beaten for 16 years.  I regret having two partners use me so badly.  I regret believing that I was stupid and ugly for so much of my life. I regret being depressed most of my life.  I regret a number of mistakes.  Most of all, I regret not being able to have a life that I still dream of, a childhood with playing, friends and happiness.  I very much regret living an entire lifetime without ever being truly and deeply LOVED and CHERISHED by anyone, as much as I have others.    I regret the fact that I am dying.

As you can see, I have a lot of regrets. If I dwelled in my regrets, I would have zero hope for any quality of live.  If I dwell in the past, I cannot move forward.  I have little life left to me, which is depressing, but if I give into it, then I may as well die now.  Each day I focus on trying to get the most out of the life I have left.  I actively look for beauty around me, I actively look for the good things in my life. The sun almost never comes out in Seattle, so when it does, I run to bask in it and then feel very fortunate.  I do not dwell on the fact that I seldom get any sun, because then I would not be able to enjoy the sun when it does come out.

You can do nothing about the past, but you can do a lot about NOW and the FUTURE.

39. LIVE LIFE TO YOUR FULLEST, RIGHT NOW.  I made a horrible mistake in life.  I kept putting off living.  I would tell myself that I would take some time to enjoy myself, after I get through the next test, summer vacation, after I graduate, after I get my first job, after I find a partner, after I retire.  Then I retired at the age of 34, hugely accomplished, and tried to kill myself.  What I found out was that I did not even know how to have fun, how to enjoy life, how to meet people, or how to socialize (I am Autistic).  My partner was living a double-life, any my coming home from sea would have meant discovery, so he left before I got home and took everything with him.  I realized that I had been living THROUGH him, pleasing him, making him happy.  I had also come-out to over 50 of my shipmates, and their letters poured in, almost all totally rejecting me, calling me things like disgusting Faggot, wishing me dead, burning in hell, etc.  It was too much.  I had no sense of self and I could not see any future at all—it felt absolutely HOPELESS.

Do not put-off enjoying life.  Yes, you want to plan for retirement, save and invest for the future, but BALANCE that need with living life to the fullest.  This means enjoying life.  Give yourself THE GIFT OF TIME & RESOURCES FOR YOURSELF. This can mean just you alone, or share with someone special, as long as it brings you relaxation, adventure, pleasure, and/or fun.

In your busy schedule, give yourself a bit of time everyday for yourself, give yourself a larger block of time at least once a week, and an even larger block of time at least once a year.  TREAT YOURSELF to special things, just because you deserve it.  REWARD YOURSELF when you deserve it.  CELEBRATE things in your life.

40. Take PRIDE in who you are, for the content of your character. Acknowledge the good qualities of your character, like being a good person, honest, caring, trustworthy, honorable, loving, doing your best, trying to improve yourself, and so on.  YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE PERFECT AND NO ONE IS.

Take PRIDE in knowing that others respect you, like you, and love you.  Take PRIDE in what you are good at doing, in your talents, and in your accomplishments.  I celebrate being Gay, and I am very thankful for being born Gay.  this explains why: CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE inspiredcreativity.deviantart.…

41. PERSONAL POWER & PRESENCE comes from having a HEALTHY balance of HONOR, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-reliance, self-assuredness, courage, COMPASSION, Human Decency, and a dash of pride; and in carrying yourself with all of those things-shoulders back, standing tall.  Please note that one does not want to be excessive in these things as that is seen as hubris and your presence is too overpowering.  These qualities are also the basic foundation of MASCULINITY & FEMININITY, the only difference being male energy and essence verses Female energy and essence.

NOTE: Being SHY is about being more of a bashful, reserved, reticent, retiring kind of person.  Being TIMID is more about showing a lack of courage or confidence, easily frightened, and apprehensive.  The former is preferable to the latter.

42. RULERS (for measuring things): People constantly MEASURE their own worth using rulers, comparing themselves to RULERS, and other people, in order to VALUE THEMSELVES. Most are these rulers are imposed on us by SOCIETY, Parents, other kids and other adults.  These are rulers imposed on us for measuring your Self-Worth, based on:

Gender, Youth, Beauty, Wealth, Income, Fame, Power, Rank, Popularity, Social Status, Recognition, Perceived Intelligence or Talent, Importance, Influence, Grades, Employee Evaluations, Awards, How Many People You Supervise, Penis or Breast Size, Righteousness, etc.

But measuring yourself and valuing yourself in these ways usually only leads you to feel inadequate, insecure and unhappy with who you are. Value yourself based on the things that are truly important, the Content of your Character, your Honor, your Values, your Compassion, your Heart, and your Spirituality or Beliefs.

Men have a ruler to be macho, strong, no signs of weakness allowed, perfect, strong leader, masculine, etc. There are rulers for values, for appearance, and for performance, for intelligence, masculinity/femininity, gender, your art and your artistic talent, and on and on. There are even rulers some Lesbians and Gay men insist on using too, depending on how you may define yourself (lipstick lesbian, butch lesbian, masculine, feminine, top, bottom, etc.).

If you do not Measure-up against this array of ridiculous standards of measure, you feel INADEQUATE, a FAILURE, you don't measure-up to who you want to be or who you think you should be.  The more you box-yourself-into a Prison of EXPECTATIONS and standards of society and others, the more unhappy you will eventually become.  Define Yourself in an open and flexible way, based on the things that really matter, the real roots to human happiness and fulfillment. [Box-yourself-into: Putting yourself into a position where you have limited or no options.]

Society's rulers can be terribly destructive. Girls compare themselves against the ruler of anorexic fashion models. Anorexia used to be rare in Boys, but now it is exploding. For boys, it used to be addiction to bodybuilding and steroids, but now there is a new look that is more towards a skinny Twink look that boys are now emulating and is the latest fad in the Fashion industry.

Kids look at intelligence all wrong, because the system is set up to recognize only one kind of intelligence, speed of learning and retention of knowledge. My IQ test placed me in the bottom quarter of intelligence of kids my age, and the School told my parents and I that I was unfit for college.  I graduated from an Academy, with a 4 year degree in Engineering that completed in 3 years, and I graduated number one in my class. I was classified as Mentally Retarded by the state of Maryland. I was able to retire for life by age 34, all on my own.

I am not a linear thinker like most people are. I am an intuitive thinker. I gather lots of information that makes little sense to me, then the answers come to me in flashes, or at least new paths to investigate. I have horrible memory and I think slow and learn slow. Different people think and process in different ways, like visually.  School homogenous people, squashing many talents, telling people what they are no good at and can't do, looking to output just one kind of person.  In America, most schools are now dropping physical Education, Music, Art, Shop classes, etc, and focusing all money on passing standardized tests is Math and English.

PLEASE hear me, others will always try to impose Rulers on you, but you do not have to let it happen.  You can discard old Rulers drilled into you, and then Create your own Rulers.  I thought about my rulers. I decided to build a pretend ruler rack by the front door. Here I would hang wooden rulers, each representing the many ways I measure myself against. One day I noticed that dancing was not as fun anymore, because I was beating myself up for not being good enough and for mistakes. On the way to dancing, I pretended to take a new dancing ruler, a very short ruler. As I drove there, I repeated a mantra, "I am going dancing to have fun and NOTHING else matters." My short ruler for dancing was the FUN one, where mistakes just don't matter, as long as I am enjoying myself. If I look awful, I don't care. It was not 100%, but it helped enough to put fun back into dancing, and when people complimented me, I made a point of not only thanking them as usual, but to stop and absorb it and officially accept it, instead of the usual discounting.

43. SELF-IMAGE:  When I was a boy and young man, I looked in the mirror and saw UGLY, so ugly that it sometimes brought me to tears. Yet others kept telling me I was cute and girls chased me and even stalked me mercilessly. My mind simply discounted what people told me. What I saw in the Mirror was a reflection of my own self-hatred.  An anorexic looks in the mirror and sees FAT, but there is not only no fat, but he or she may be near death from starvation, nothing but skin stretched on bone.

When you think of self-image, you cannot just look at physical appearance, you must also look at how you perceive yourself. This includes how you see yourself as a man or woman, the content of your character, how talented you are or are not, if you are a success or failure, where you are grade-wise or in your carer, are you popular, are you rich or poor, etc, etc.

DO THIS:

1. Write down who you WANT TO BE & THINK YOU SHOULD BE.
2. Write down who you THINK YOU ARE.
3. After reading this paper, reconsider #2 above, to see if who you THINK YOU ARE is actually an overly negative image of who YOU REALLY ARE.  See if you are valuing yourself incorrectly by using the wrong Rulers (Step 41), see if you are under-valuing yourself, see if you are feeling inappropriate Shame and Guilt (Step 27), and take a look at your good qualities (don't discount them).
4. Write down who YOU REALLY ARE, with honesty and fairness.
5. How far apart are they all? The Further apart #4 is from #1 & #2, the more INTERNAL CONFLICT you will experience, and the more unhappiness, depression and dissatisfaction with yourself you will feel.

This is what keeps you frozen in place and unable to experience happiness.

Take a good hard look at the person you want to be and believe you should be.  Typically, this person will be a construct of what society says you should be and how you should look.  It requires a certain physical look, a specific kind of intelligence, confidence, masculinity/femininity, patriarchal, aggressive, ambitious, etc. However, could you EVER be happy being that person, a person contrary to who you are?

Who you THINK YOU ARE is probably a negative version of who you REALLY ARE.  Most people are their own harshest critic, and judge themselves against much stricter standards than they would apply to anyone else.  You would give others compassion and understanding. You would give others a break, give them the benefit-of-the-doubt, a second chance.  But you do not do these things for yourself.  Chances are you BEAT YOURSELF UP on a regular basis. When you dislike yourself, hate yourself, or loath yourself, it casts a dark shadow over your self-image.

It is time to let go of unrealistic and bogus models of who you SHOULD be, and accept and love who you REALLY ARE.  It is Ok to say that I don't like these aspects of myself, then seek to improve who you are.  Too many people focus fully on what they think is wrong with themselves, and discount everything that is good about themselves.

DO THIS: Build a new image of the person you want to be, built on values that are truly important, not some template of modern society.  For example, be a person of honesty, compassion, caring, and honor, carry yourself with confidence and assurance, happy with you who are as a PERSON, for who you are INSIDE.

44. VISUAL & AUDIO PERCEPTION:  Our mind is so powerful that it can make us see things that do not exist in reality, NOT see things that exist in reality, and DISTORT reality, like seeing fat when no fat exists.  Our eyes bring in raw data, then the minds filters the vast majority of it out, then interprets it, then renders it up on the display of out minds.  Our eyes are more like video cameras feeding into a computer, which filter, interpret and then render it up on a display. Our minds are the computer and operator all in one.  The operator can change what is display, can manipulate the image for content, color, etc, and the operator can focus, or zoom in, or block out, filter-out things, add things, etc.  Falling in love brightens our perception of light and brilliance of color.  Depression mutes our perception of light and color, making life darker and duller, and depression distorts are thoughts and how we see things and perceive them.

We can CHOOSE to widen our PERCEPTIONS, widen out field of vision, see the world in brighter light and color, and most importantly, WE CAN CHOOSE TO SEE BEAUTY ANYWHERE WE LOOK.  There is a great deal of choice in our VISION & HEARING.

45. WALLOWING IN THE DUMPS:  When you are feeling down, remember to come back to these tools, to help you feel better, like a turbo boost.  The worst danger of being in the dumps is that it can start feeling good, leading you into wallowing around in it.  Make a promise to yourself NOW, about what to do when this happens to you in the future.  When you recognize that you are wallowing in the dumps, feeling depressed and sad, your life is crap…, you must take action IMMEDIATELY to start getting out of it. This will be very difficult to do, since wallowing can be so satisfying.

Wallowing, while feeling satisfying at first, is like wallowing in quicksand, and suddenly you find yourself being sucked under, deeper and deeper.  Unless there is a friend around to help you out, your only hope is to pull out your trusty Lasso (this list of steps), to grab onto something solid, with which you can pull yourself out.

46. TALKING & WRITING TO OTHERS CAN HELP SOLVE PROBLEMS:  You will find that the very act of writing your thoughts down, or telling them to someone, will greatly help you organize your thoughts, solve problems, figure things out, make intuitive jumps, generate ideas and inspiration, and help us see new possibilities and perspectives.  This is why friends are so good for us, because as we talk and discuss things, it helps us figure out things out.  I have been known to talk to myself, or write things down, just to help me solve problems , organize thoughts, or when I am seeking ideas for a project.

The reason for this is that a number of areas of the brain are needed to generate verbal speech or to write.

47. The initial stage out of depression is seeing the light of hope at the end of the tunnel, then accepting and embracing the idea that IT WILL GET BETTER.

But why waste your life just existing, waiting for things to get better. Stop putting your life on hold, waiting for something better to come along. Something better will happen when you create the environment for it.

When my last partner left me, I tried to kill myself.  Then I went out desperately looking for a replacement lover, but nobody wanted me.  I was desperate and depressed—it OOZED out of me—people knew I was sick and needy. I finally realized that I needed to FOCUS on getting myself mentally healthy, so that that I could attract Healthy Love. I decided on NO DATING FOR A YEAR, just focusing on trying to FILL UP MY OWN LIFE and find enjoyment in my life, on my own, not THROUGH someone else. I had to stop looking to other men to fill up my life and give my life meaning.

I found a place where I could learn to dance, a supposedly impossible task for my kind of Autism, but I went 6 nights a week to lessons and dancing. I gave myself two Quotas: 1. To introduce myself to at least one stranger per night; 2. Ask at least one new person per night to dance with me.  This was incredibly difficult for me to do, but I did it. I was escaping the prison of my Autism. In just a few months, I had a number of friends, and people were waiting to dance with me, despite my being really bad at it.  I started having a lot of FUN, on my own.  I had forgotten how to have fun.

Not only that but Guys were asking me out on DATES a few times a week or so. I was still not dating yet, but I often offered to meet them for dinner or a movie, but not as a romantic date. I met current partner (21 years together) about a year into it. I had zero attraction for him, but I needed a dance partner for the lesson that night.  I enjoyed his company during the lesson and asked him if he had any interest in pursuing a friendship, and asked him for his phone number (I am very direct). We had long talks over dinner, went dancing and hiking and then canoeing on a lake. I saw the sun fall across his face and thought, "He sure is CUTE," and then realized I was as hard as a rock. Remember, I had NO attraction to him at all, no chemistry, but now I had obviously fallen in Love with him, which made him both beautiful and HOT to me. I naturally immediately told him what happened, then asked him if he would date me romantically.  He said yes.  Most people go on dates based on physical attraction, but physical attraction can come later, if you are open to falling in love. 21 years later he is still Hot and Cute, despite the ravages of time and gravity.

Do you see what I am saying? I started out oozing neediness and depression and nobody wanted me. I started having a blast dancing, laughing, smiling and I was suddenly on the hot tamale train.

Do not just exist and wait for life to get better, Make It Better, NOW.  Find a way to bring Joy back into your life and Love will come to you, like bees to nectar.  It can take a lot of courage and hard work to get out and start turning your life around. If someone as messed up as I was can do it, you sure can.

48. FOR IMMEDIATE CRISIS, WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLODE:

Take a deep breath in through your mouth, then slowly exhale through your nose, over a count of 4 seconds (one and, two and, three and, four and); as you exhale, on each count, repeat a key word(s) (4 times).  Use something like Relax, or Let Go, or whatever works best for you.  I do Relax, Relax, Relax, Let Go.  Try to visualize your burdens being lifted away, or shedding off of you like layers of an onion. FEEL your muscles relax, let them relax, with each breath.  Keep doing this until you feel better.

Consider doing a GUIDED IMAGERY FOR HEALING inspiredcreativity.deviantart.… once a day. You can CREATE YO OWN IMAGERY.  You can do in your  mind, or you can have someone read it to you, very slowly and in a relaxing voice.  Some people record it in their own voice, the play it back.  I like doing it in my own mind so that I can change it around, but it is nice when someone takes me on a journey of their own making too.

49. REACHING-OUT:  If you find yourself falling into depression, your natural inclination will be to ISOLATE yourself.  This is absolutely the very worst thing you can do and it will feed and accelerate your depression. Holding your problems INSIDE of you, as they grow and grow, have a nasty habit of eventually EXPLODING out of you, or flushing you down the toilet, a downward spiraling vortex of depression that can lead to suicide.

Talking about your issues with other people can be a huge relief. Getting it out of yourself and having someone to give you FEEDBACK is critical.  When I was 34, I tried to kill myself, but it turned out that I was allergic to the sedative that I took (left behind by my ex-partner) to relax myself into death. I woke up visiting violently. I still did not think there was any chance that I could keep living like I was, and turning my life around did not seem possible, but I decided that maybe I should at least try, for the sake of my loved ones.  So I crawled into the house to the phone, pulled out the phone book and found a SUICIDE HOT LINE on one of the first pages, and called it.  That single step change my life completely, and for the first time ever in my life, I found a measure of sustained happiness.

SUICIDE:  Please be courageous, and call a Suicide Hotline if you feel like dying.

If you are a LGBTQ Teen, please reach out and call the Trevor Help line. Dial 866-4-U-TREVOR , or  866-488-7386 and go to their web page: www.thetrevorproject.org (The Trevor Project)  They have resources, youth forum, shared experiences, and on-line help now too.

There are counselors at schools and colleges. Many counselors offer a slide scale for their fees, based on what you can pay.  There are government programs around that offer free services too.

50. SEEK FEEDBACK: Feedback is a way to CORRECT a system.  All biological machines (cells, plants, animals) and mechanical machines need both internal and external feedback to control themselves.  As a flower grows, it follows the sun during the day, and if something is in the way, it will change directions and find the sun.  When you are walking down a sidewalk, if you are wandering off course your eyes are telling your brain where you are going, your brain recognizes that you are off course and corrects your path. Driving a car is the same kind of thing. All of our senses of balance, sight, touch/sensation, smell, taste and even ESP, all act as feedback to our brain.

MENTAL / EMOTIONAL FEEDBACK: We have our own internal feedback, through cognitive (thinking) means. But this can be a problem too. Anxiety and Depression can be rooted in DWELLING.  When you have thoughts going around and around in your head, then introduce a negative bias to it (negative thinking), the thoughts become more and more negative as they go around and around in your head, leading to Depression and/or Anxiety, loss of Self-worth, loss of Self-confidence, Memory Problems, Focus Problems, etc.

Our best feedback, and sometimes worse, comes from other people.  When we SOCIALIZE with family, freinds, classmates, workmates and people online, they are giving us feedback that hopefully CORRECTS any illogical and negative thought patters we have.  The more isolated you are, the more stuck in your own head you get, which can lead to depression, anxiety and other issues.

We can SELF-CORRECT negative and illogical thought patterns by consciously stopping the negative thoughts and replacing them with positive, logical and truthful thoughts.  This is called Cognitive Therapy. If you get good at recognizing your own negativity, you can give yourself corrective truthful positive feedback that will either help keep you from getting depressed or anxious, or actually help you stop being depressed or anxious.

The human brain needs EXTERNAL CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK from the environment and from other people to remain healthy.  It is critical for human Mental Health to have someone you trust, someone to confide in.   If you tell your friends, “My life sucks, nobody likes me and I’m ugly as sin,” then your friends can counter those negative thoughts and give you correcting feedback. But, it only works if you are willing to ‘listen’ and think it through, and do not just dismiss it.

At school or at work, teachers or supervisors give you feedback when you use the wrong data or reach an illogical/wrong conclusion/solution. Otherwise, how would you know that you have it wrong? Unfortunately, a lot of the feedback you receive might be INCORRECT. We then have to learn how to best recognize which feedback is trustworthy and which is not. We also learn who can be trusted and how to better recognize who is, and who is not trustworthy.

Feedback can FAIL if it is ignored, or if you are defensive, biased or dismissive. If you do not freely and openly listen to feedback, it cannot help. IMPORTANT: Obviously some feedback is wrong or without merit, so once you listen in an unbiased way, you examine it, test it, then use it or discard it. But if you distort it first, it is no good. If you listen with an agenda, or listen with bias, attitude, or preconceived notions, it distorts what you hear and you interpret it completely differently from how it was intended.

Negative thoughts can sometimes quickly cascade into a downwards spiral, and another person can help break the downward fall. EXAMPLE: You are at school or work, a friend says something to you and you take it as a put-down. You feel hurt, then you think that he does not like you after all…never did…probably hates you…everyone hates you…no one loves you…you are unlovable…you hate your life…there is no hope…I want to die.  A single trusted friend and confidant, or sometimes even a stranger, can reset your thinking with corrective Feedback. He or she can point out that it never was a put-down, it was not meant that way. At each step, a friend could point out what is really going on, show you how your thinking is incorrect, how your assumptions are wrong, etc. Left alone, without correction, it can end in disaster, with you trapped in your head.

A single intervention can save a life, or at the least, make life more bearable.  If you see someone at school or work who is in emotional distress, or being bullied, you can make a difference. If a person is caught in a downward spiral of Depression, which is a bit like being flushed down a toilet, another person has the opportunity to BREAK that downward spiral and maybe save a life.  Sexual Minorities who are in the closet are isolated by this. Being able to confide about it with even just one person can make a huge positive difference, perhaps even the difference between surviving and not surviving.

51. PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: This is a key element to helping you get out of depression and to maintain a happy healthy lifestyle, especially if it gets you outside, and especially if it involves other people.  

52. SELF-THERAPY:  THINK positive and you will eventually start to FEEL positive.  ACT positive and you will eventually start to FEEL positive. If you keep saying to yourself, "I am so unhappy, I feel horrible, my life is crap, life sucks," again and again, then you really will feel that way.  You will FEEL what you THINK.

What we THINK drives how we FEEL, therefore, we can CHANGE how we FEEL by changing what we THINK. This is the foundation of Cognitive Therapy.

What we FEEL and how we BEHAVE drives what we THINK, therefore, we can CHANGE what we THINK by changing how we FEEL and how we BEHAVE. This is the foundation of Behavioral Therapy.

If you force yourself to get out more and be with people, and laugh with them, and smile around them, even when you do not feel happy, it will actually help.  If you stand, walk and sit tall, projecting self-confidence and high self-worth, it helps your brain to actually feel that way.  Saying affirmations, forcing yourself to say positive things, stopping negative thoughts and countering them with the truth and positive statements, all help you feel better later.  

Consider that you have sent months to years in negativity, your mind repeating negative thoughts millions of times continuously all the time.  It is practically tattooed into your subconscious mind. The longer you were depressed, the longer it takes to undo the damage.  For some of us, it was so long, recovery is a lifetime commitment.

53. NEGOTIATE & COMPROMISE WITH YOURSELF, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING WITH YOURSELF.  We often do way too much ALL-OR-NOTHING thinking, instead of compromising to find middle ground, and this type of all-or-nothing thinking leads to inner conflict.  It is typical for people to have Inner Conflict of one type or another.  If this conflict continues over a long period of time, it creates a lot stress and unhappiness in you, and can lead to depression, or feed depression.  You can negotiate and make deals with yourself to resolve all forms of inner conflict.

You can negotiate and make deals with yourself to help you do something you need to do, but don't really want to do it.  Sometimes I will offer myself a reward for going through something difficult, like treating myself to something, even if it is as simple as taking time for myself to relax, or perhaps something more decadent.

I urge you to use NEGOTIATION & COMPROMISE, INSTEAD OF FIGHTING, in all of your conflicts with others.   This is a very important component to successful Relationships (family, friends, lovers).

54. FINAL THOUGHT: Look in the mirror.  Do NOT ever see yourself as bad, broken or deficient.  See yourself as an imperfect person who simply wants to GROW.  No matter how perfect some people may seem to you, I assure they all struggle with their own demons.  Sometimes you will make bad choices, and sometimes you will go down the wrong road, but it is all Ok, as long you Grow from it and become a better person for it.

Recognize your inner beauty and the wonder of your Inner Child.  You simply want to grow bigger, spread your roots for a stronger foundation, and spread your branches and mind outward to collect the sun of life.  The rain will come, but fear not, the sun will come back soon enough, each and every time. If the old you comes crashing down to the forest floor, a new YOU shall spring forth and rapidly grow and thrive into an even greater tree.

55. SERENITY:  There is a short saying that has sustained me through some very challenging and even desperate times.  I took it from the Serenity Prayer and made it secular.

THE PATH TO SERENITY

Learn to accept the things that you cannot change;

Find the courage to change the things you can change; and

Seek the wisdom to know the difference.

Live ONE DAY AT A TIME, enjoying every moment at a time.

Set Yourself Free of Negativity, of Hate, of the Past, of Guilt, of Shame and of Regrets.

Look in the Mirror and see the WONDER OF WHO YOU ARE.

LOVE YOURSELF—FORGIVE YOURSELF.

Look forward, and Embrace the future with a sense of HOPE.

With LOVE,

Matthew


©Matthew Barry 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014