Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


For many people, there is no question at all about what their Sexual Orientation and Identity are, starting at a very young age.  But for many others, it can be very confusing and traumatic.  ALL of us are a blend of Straight and Gay. People who are almost completely Straight or Gay usually know how they are different from very young ages. Everyone else will have some someone degree of Confusion and Questioning.  Many young people have a small amount of latent homosexuality, enough to confuse them, but not enough to be a Bisexual. Others can be confused by having a friend they love dearly. Some young people are late bloomers, becoming sexually aware later than most others.  For others, there is also confusion about Gender.  For others, they may not have sexual feelings at all.

Some people may not become aware of their homosexual nature, or may not recognize, realize, or acknowledge their homosexual attractions, until their late teen years to their mid-twenties. Girls tend to be later in recognizing their homosexual nature.  For girls and young women, determining sexual orientation can be much more confusing than for boys.  Sexual development can start later or develop more slowly in some people.  Some people may slowly beacon aware of their homosexual nature, while others will suddenly start having homosexual feelings or fantasies.

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO OR HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE. Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had relationships and sex with a lot of women in the years he was trying to hide his homosexuality, saying that he even enjoyed most of it. But he now says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man." Relationships with women were not fulfilling for him, but relationships with men are fulfilling for him.  Sex regularly crosses Sexual Orientation boundaries, but not Romantic Love.

Sometimes Straight men have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, Lesbians have sex with men, and Straight women have sex with Lesbians.  Given the right circumstances, all kind of things can happen around sex.  For example, some Straight men will get oral sex from a Gay man, or be the penetrator in anal sex with a Gay man, simply for sexual relief between girls, or on a Navy ship, or in a prison. He will feel no attraction to the gay man, he is simply being serviced by the gay man.

For the vast majority of you, what matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  For some people, the initial attraction may be zero, low, or up to intense.  In my case, I was not physically or sexually attracted to my current partner at all. I pursued a friendship with him, liking his personality.  After spending some time together as freinds, I suddenly found myself both physically and sexually attracted to him.  LOVE keeps your partner looking beautiful and hot for a Lifetime.  LOVE keeps sex with your partner great for a lifetime.  Without Love and sex being bound together, sex becomes boring and your lover no longer turns you on.

I did not even know what straight sex was until age 19, and gay sex at age 20 (I was Autistic and very innocent). Nor did I know anything about Sexual Orientation, or what those words meant, like Fuck, Fag and Queer. At age 11, I consciously recognized that I was attracted to boys the way I was supposed to be attracted to girls, because I was following cute boys around at school. At age 12, I fell in love with Anton Wild, although I did not really know it at the time, because I had no reference point for it. But I knew I had a kind of ache and yearning around him, missing him even after just an hour apart, and I got HARD around him a lot. It all felt much more INTENSE than any friendship I had ever had. Out by the pool, Anton almost kissed me once, then my Mother burst out (she kept spying on us through the window). At age 13, I confessed to my Aunt, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls."  She dismissed it as a "Phase boys go through."  My youthful fantasies were not sexual, because I did not know what that was or looked like.  My fantasies were all around hugging and kissing other boys, and doing romantic things with boys.

A big CLUE about out your sexual orientation is notice who you find yourself strongly attracted to in non-sexual situations, like when you are at school, out with freinds, grocery shopping, etc. ROMANTIC FANTASY, is your biggest clue of all about Sexual orientation.  Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself living together, etc.

Within your sexual orientation, we are sexually attracted to other people based on a number of factors.  For example, the pitch and timber of a person's voice can affect attraction.  But one of the biggest factors of all are PHEROMONES, which are hormones exerted in our sweat and smelled by others. Each of us are only attracted to certain Pheromones. When two people have "Good Chemistry," this is what is being talked about.

You can be a Gay boy, but only find certain kinds of boys attractive, and maybe only guys your own age, or older guys, or younger guys.  Maybe you are only into bigger, more muscular and hairy guys, or maybe you like them more svelte and smooth.  You may be attracted to only certain personalities too.  If you are a Lesbian, Straight, or Bisexual, the same things apply.  Who you are attracted to in life often changes as you get older.  My first love set who I was attracted to for a long time.  If you are Straight and have a good relationship to your father and brothers, you may find yourself attracted to their body and personality type, because you associate good things with that.  Or it can go the opposite way if you have a terrible relationship with them.  I got picked on by jocks a lot, and to this day am totally turned off by guys who look or act like jocks.


HAVING SEX with someone is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a boy and have it be awful. This does not mean you are a Lesbian.  You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a girl, and have it be nice, but it does not make you a Lesbian.  You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a girl, and have it be awful. You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a guy, and have it be nice.

PORNOGRAPHY is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. Girls and young women can be sexually aroused by Straight, Lesbian and Gay Male Pornography, regardless of her Sexual Orientation. Boys and Young men are often sexually aroused by any pornography at all. Straight guys tend to get really hot over seeing Lesbian kissing and sex.  But a Gay guy can get easily excited by Straight porn, and not bother to notice that he is ficus on the guys. A gay guy might have an aversion to seeing Gay Porn, due to internalized homophobia, guilt or shame.

SEXUAL FANTASY can be misleading. Boys can sexually experiment in fantasy, and may fantasize about gay sex, or even fantasize themselves as a girl. Girls and young Women can especially do a lot of sexual experimentation in fantasy, and can even imagine themselves as the man having sex with a woman, as a man having gay sex with another man, as a woman having sex with another woman and even have rape fantasies (experimenting with control, domination, submission, etc.).

SEXUAL AROUSAL: If a boy is wresting around with another boy and gets an erection, this alone does not make him Gay—it is actually natural. Teenagers get sexually aroused very easily, due to 'raging hormones.'  If you are only getting aroused by one gender, this can be a hint about Sexual Identity, but you still need a lot more evidence before drawing conclusions.

You may simply need to get older.  Sexual arousal develops first, before romantic desire and attraction.  Also, stress, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues can be shutting you down around romantic matters.

Everyone matures sexually at a different rate.  If you feel little or no excitement or arousal by either boys or girls, then:

:bulletblue: Your sexuality may not finished developing yet.
:bulletblue: STRESS, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues could be shutting down your sexuality. Stress at home (like a messed up family or abuse) or in school (like being bullied) can shut down your libido. If you were or are a victim of rape, incest, or other form of sexual abuse, this would shut you down too.
:bulletblue: You could have low Testosterone (both boys and girls) or other medical conditions.  It would be a good idea to see a doctor, just to eliminate medical causes.
:bulletblue: Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants, some other antidepressants and antipsychotics, can shut down sexual desire, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).
:bulletblue: Fear of Intimacy, of AIDS or STDs, Body Shame, or raised to believe that sex is evil/dirty/disgusting can shut down your libido.
:bulletblue: Males reach the peak of their sex drive in their teens, while women reach it in their thirties.

Probably the biggest problem of all in determining Sexual Orientation for a lot of people, is the conscious or subconscious suppression or denial of their homosexual nature, due to Internalized Homophobia.  Homosexual feelings, fantasies, and dreams can be suppressed, dismissed, ignored, or justified in another way. The emergence of your homosexual nature might be dallied by a few years, for decades (sometimes as late as age 50 to 70).  The desire to be NORMAL can be extremely powerful.  I was so Queer that I had no choice but to face it, but it was not easy and I tried to kill myself at age 13.

When kids are subjected to homophobia from birth, the message can be constant and clear that being homosexual or bisexual is a horrible thing. You face being an outcast, vilified, rejected by family and friends, thrown out of your home, and harassed and bullied at school.  If you are raised in a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family, you might face religious condemnation, being told that you are a sin, evil, disgusting pervert, an abomination in the eyes of God, and that you are going to go to hell for being born Homosexual, Bisexual, or Transgender.  For some kids, the first awakening moment of attraction to the same gender can be so horrifying that they are subconsciously or consciously suppressed, and thus the pattern can get set. If they can feel ANY attraction for the same gender, they may run with it.

Many HOMOPHOBIC men are Bisexual or Gay men with extreme Internalized Homophobia, acting-out against other Sexual Minorities. In a study at the University of Georgia, it was shown that homophobic men, claiming to be straight and claiming to have always engaged in heterosexual sex, got erections looking at Gay pornographic videos 30% more than non-homophobic straight men.  When youth are raised in a homophobic environment, or otherwise become homophobic, and they start to experience homosexual feelings and attractions, some respond to their homosexual feelings with HATE, despising that part of themselves.  They then blame homosexuals for making them have these unwanted feelings, hating other homosexuals, OR sometimes just feeling very uncomfortable around homosexuals and having negative feelings about them.

Sexual Orientation is the Biological Sexuality Orientation that you are Born with.
Sexual Orientation is defined by your Gender Identity, what Genders you Sexually and Romantically Desire, and how much you desire each Gender.

Sexual Identity is how a person CHOOSES to identify their own Sexuality, and is not necessarily the same as their biological Sexual Orientation.  A Bisexual man who is both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, may decide that he feels most comfortable living with men, and choose a Gay identity.

A woman I know says that she is sexually attracted to both men and women equally, but only Romantically attracted to women. She chooses to identify her self as a Lesbian.  Rickey Martin was sexual with women for years, but now identifies himself as completely Gay, because his only romantic attachments have been with men.


A person's Biological Sexual Orientation is NOT defined by discreet values like Heterosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual.  Instead, a person's Biological sexuality will fall anywhere across a continuous spectrum between 100% Heterosexual at one end and 100% Homosexual on the other end. The frequency of human sexuality across this spectrum is distributed over what looks like a bell shaped curve, with relatively few people being 100% Heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and with the greater majority of human being biased towards Heterosexuality.

Gender itself is also variable and distributed across a spectrum.  The amount of Sexual Desire (LIBIDO) we experience is also on a spectrum from no desire to extreme desire.  When it comes to masculinity and femininity, this crosses the boundaries of both Gender and Sexual Orientation. Some Straight men are effeminate. Some Straight women are masculine. Some Gay men are very masculine and some effeminate.  Some Lesbians are very feminine and some masculine.  Almost all Transvestites are Straight men who cross-dress for sexual pleasure, while Drag Queens, Boy Drag and Female Impersonators are almost all homosexuals who cross-dress for non-sexual reasons.

During fetal gestation, when the fetus is sexing-out in the brain first and then the body, with sexual organs, etc, many different things can happen in this process to create this wide diversity of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity.  There are very real differences between the brains of men and women and homosexual men and women and Transgender men and women.

     :bulletred: —> :bulletpurple: SEXUAL ORIENTATION
     :bulletblue: —> :bulletpink: GENDER
     :bulletblack: —> :bulletorange: SEXUAL DRIVE
     :bulletgreen: —> :bulletyellow: & MASCULINITY/FEMININITY

It is people themselves who typically desire labels for their Gender and Sexual Identity. The problem is that human sexuality does NOT divide itself nicely into set groups.  LGBTQ or GLBTQ do come even close to including all of our community.  I much prefer to refer to us as SEXUAL MINORITIES.  I know there is a craving by some who seek ever more exotic labels to call themselves by, but there is NO label that exactly describes any of us. We are this amazing and wondrous mix of spectrums, all unique in our own ways.  

Human sexuality is a combination of Spectrums for Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive and Masculinity/Femininity:

Sexual Orientation Spectrum:. . . 100% Heterosexual —> to Bisexual to <— 100% Homosexual

Gender Spectrum:. . . . . . . . . . . Male —> Transgender1 —> 3rd Gender <— Female

Sexual Drive Spectrum: . . . . . . . Asexuality2 (0) —>  to Average to  <— Hypersexuality (∞)

Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum: Masculine —>  to <— Feminine: Applies to ALL Straight & Gay Males & Females3
Some Straight men are effeminate and some Straight women are masculine. Gay men & Lesbians run the entire range from hyper-masculine to uber-feminine.

ALL HUMANS fall somewhere within ALL of the above Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Sexual Drive & Masculinity/Femininity.

1 TRANSGENDER is NOT a Sexual Orientation, it is a Gender. Gender Identity is based on the gender of the person's brain, not their body.  After Sexual Reassignment, the gender of the brain can match the gender of the body. A Transgender person can have a:
  • Straight, Gay, or anything in between MALE BRAIN in a FEMALE BODY.
  • Straight, Lesbian, or anything in between FEMALE BRAIN in a MALE BODY.
2 See the section on Asexuality at the end of this paper.
3 For more information on Gay Mannerisms and on being Masculine, Feminine or Effeminate, see the section further below.

THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION SCALE (used by some sexologist): View the chart below as 7 columns:

Exclusively - - - - -Primarily Strait- - - - - Primarily Strait- - - - - - Bisexual- - - - - - - - Primarily Gay- - - - - - - -Primarily Gay- - - - - - Exclusively
Straight - - - - - - Incidentally Gay- - - - -Secondarily Gay- - - - - -Bisexual - - - - - Secondarily Straight- - - -Incidentally Straight- - - - - - - -Gay
-< 1 >- - - - - - - - - -< 2 >- - - - - - - - - - - - -< 3 >- - - - - - - -< 4 >- - - - - - - - - -< 5 >- - - - - - - - - -< 6 >- - - - - - - - - - -< 7 >-

PANSEXUALITY is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Basically this is saying you are a bisexual who does not want to be constrained by other labels, so you give yourself another label.

GENDERQUEER is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman or as being neither man nor woman and therefore falling completely outside the gender binary. There are more labels people use, but there is not enough room here to describe them all.

NOTE: Sexual Identity and Relationships are actually very different things. You can be any of the of the sexual identities, including asexual, and choose to either be in a relationship, or to be single.


You are probably Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of two or more genders (no sexual desire needed if Asexual);
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of two or more genders (no sexual fulfillment needed if Asexual); and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

You could also be Bisexual Leaning Straight or Leaning Gay:

     :bulletwhite: Exclusively Straight [100% Straight, 0% Gay]
     :bulletgreen: Primarily Straight, Incidentally Gay [87.5% Straight, 12.5% Gay]
     :bulletyellow: Bisexual Leaning Straight [62.5% Straight, 37.5% Gay]
     :bulletblack: Bisexual [50% Straight, 50% Gay]</b>
     :bulletpurple: Bisexual Leaning Gay [62.5% Gay, 37.5% Straight]
     :bulletred: Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight [75% Gay, 25% Straight]
     :bulletorange: Primarily Gay, Incidentally Straight [87.5% Gay, 12.5% Straight]
     :bulletpink: Exclusively Gay [100% Gay, 0% Straight]

Anyone within 6.25% of any of the above categories, would fall within that category.

If you are on either side of Bisexuality, and not exclusively Straight or Gay, it can get very confusing to you about what your Sexual Orientation is.  You may have SOME Sexual Attraction to both genders, and can received SOME Sexual Pleasure from both genders, BUT, one gender is Just NOT Fulfilling Enough to desire regular Sexual or Romantic contact with that Gender.  When this happens, your Sexual identity and Sexual Orientation may be different.  For example, you may be technically a Primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight woman, but if you only date women and form relationships with women, your sexual identity will likely be Lesbian.

Just because you CAN have sex with both Genders does not make you BISEXUAL.  Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had sex with a lot of women, and said that he even enjoyed most of it, but that only men romantically fulfill him.  He says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man."

If you are a boy and you had sex with a girl, this does not make you Straight, not in-of-itself.  In the Navy, Straight men have sex with Gay men on a regular basis. It is simply a way to release sexual energy, to fulfill a need. It is sex only, with no emotional component. It does not make the Straight men bisexual, simply because they had sex with a Gay man. Sexual Orientation goes far beyond who you have sex with.

:bulletblue: 17% of Heterosexual adult Men & Women admit being attracted to someone of the same gender! Of those respondents who indicated they have been attracted to someone of the same sex, a surprising 36% said they had acted on that attraction in a sexual way.

:bulletblue: A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual…more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight, secretly have sex with other men…"

:bulletblue: A 2006 survey in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70% of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

:bulletblue: As many as 46% of all guys, whether they identify as Straight, Gay, or Bi, have had sex of some nature with another guy to the point of orgasm (includes Mutual Masturbating). Many guys are curious and experiment. Some do it again and some don't.

For Example:

:bulletpink: A Straight man CAN have sex with a Gay man without Sexually DESIRING the Gay man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in the him.
:bulletpink: A Gay man CAN have sex with a woman without Sexually DESIRING the woman, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Straight woman CAN have sex with a Lesbian without Sexually DESIRING the Lesbian, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Lesbian CAN have sex with a man without Sexually DESIRING the man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in him.

How do you have sex with a person, if you do not Sexually Desire the person?

The answer is that the other person can get you sexually aroused, and/or you can make yourself sexually aroused in other ways, such as:

:bulletpink: You and/or the other person can sexually stimulate your body and sexual organs, using things like fingers, tongue, mouth, sex toys, objects, etc.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused using Pornography.
:bulletpink: You can fantasizing about someone else who sexually excites you, or you can fantasize about a person of a different gender.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused just from being in a sexual situation, and/or because you are very HORNY, and maybe you are intoxicated.
:bulletpink: You can be very easily aroused when you are young (Raging Hormones), by just about anything, especially when you want to experiment.
:bulletpink: Anything TABOO or exotic feeling can cause arousal.
:bulletpink: Sometimes your body will even respond sexually when being raped, unless high pain levels prevent it.  This can add to feelings of shame, which are not justified. Your body can react even against your will, when stimulated in certain ways, like when the prostate is being stimulated.
:bulletpink: Fear and suffocation can cause arousal, but using this is just plain idiotic and extremely dangerous.

Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.

Straight men will sometimes use Gay men to service their sexual needs, as a convenience, or out of need, when women are not available for periods of time, like on navy ships, in Prisons, or because of the culture you live in (Some Muslim countries).  On Navy Military ships, after months at sea, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but this does not make them Bisexual. A man having sex with a man does not make him Bisexual or Homosexual.  There are even circumstances when a primarily heterosexual man can be sexually excited by another man, but that does not make him Bisexual.

It should be noted that some people might be biologically Bisexual, but are mentally and emotionally unable to maintain a relationship with one of the genders.  For example, some Bisexual men and women may succumb to the pressures of society to not live a Homosexual lifestyle, and choose to live as Heterosexuals.  Some Bisexual women may have been abused by men so much that they choose to live as Lesbians.

Unfortunately, boys and men who are borderline Bisexual or Homosexual, are still under great pressure to live as a Heterosexual. They will get married and maybe have kids, but be barely able to function sexually with their wife, so their sex life dries up, and it is the wife who really suffers, believing she is undesirable and unlovable, while he is slipping out having sex with men, but also not at all happy.  I know men who waited 30 to 40 years before divorcing and coming-out as a Gay man. Often the men love their wives, but just can't be sexual with her. When you are young, you can make it happen a lot easier than when you pass age 30 or so.

If you sexually desire both men and women, but only romantically desire one Gender, then chances are your Sexual Identity will end up being based on the Gender you Romantically Desire. If you are a bisexual woman, but only romantically desire women, then your sexual identity will probably be Lesbian.  But it might take you time and dating both genders to figure this out.

Fantasy can be a clue, such as having sexual fantasies with both men and women, but having romantically fantasize with only one gender. When we fantasize, sometimes it is purely sexual, and sometimes it is more romantic. Fantasizing about doing fun things together, like swimming, hiking, and dancing, and fantasizing about non-sexual intimacy, like kissing, hugging and holding each other in bed, shows who you who you would probably be happier sharing your life with.

If you are around age 15 or younger (this is a very loose number), and reading this paper still leaves you very confused about your Sexual Orientation, you may very well need more time to let your sexuality develop and emerge. Give yourself some more time to see if your Sexual Orientation becomes more clear. Meeting a special person and falling in love can help make it clearer too.

NOTE: Your body and brain (particularly in the Frontal Cortex) continue to develop until around age 25.  For boys, your penis may continue to grow past the age of 18, slowing to a stop at around age 25.


The best way to determine your own Sexual Orientation is to note which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about ROMANTICALLY, EROTICALLY or SEXUALLY.  Looking at Pornography to see what turns you on is not a very good indicator, because seeing nakedness and sex of any kind will turn you if you are not accustomed to it, and you might be turned on by only one aspect of the pornography, like if you are Gay and watching Straight porn, it could be the guys who are especially arousing you. I cover Pornography further below.  Romantic Fantasies are different from Sexual Fantasy, although Romantic Fantasy might turn into Sexual Fantasy.

Romantic Fantasies & Dreams tell us a lot about our Sexual Orientation & Identity, about who you are more likely to share your life with. Romance is linked to Feelings of LOVE, wanting a Romantic Relationship, wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend, or wanting to Share Your Life with someone, like imagining yourself seducing someone, or being seduced, falling in-love with someone, going on romantic dates, doing romantic things together with him or her, like going on a picnic, laying on the ground holding hands and looking up at the stars, seeing the world together, living together, and so on.  Romantic Fantasy can include SENSUAL and EROTIC Foreplay, like cuddling, kissing, rubbing bodies together, tongues on skin, bodies together, exploring each other's bodies, feeling loved and showing your love. Romantic Fantasies and Dreams are Non-Sexual, but can turn into Love-based Sexual Fantasy.

If you are not yet having Romantic Dreams or Fantasies, it is because you are still too young, but if you give it some time, they will start to happen. After Puberty starts, Sexual Dreams and Fantasies happen first, followed later by Romantic Dreams & Fantasy.  The age when Romantic Dreams and Fantasy start can vary a great deal, based on how early or later a bloomer you were.
If you are not remembering your Dreams, it is because you are dreaming before going into Deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, unless you happen to wake up before you go into REM Sleep.  Those who remember Dreams are Dreaming after their REM Sleep.

Sexual Fantasies & Dreams are also a good indicator of Sexual Orientation, but for some people, they can be deceptive and confusing.  Homosexual Sexual Fantasies may be either consciously or subconsciously suppressed by internal and/or external homophobia.  Sometimes, young minds may sexually experiment through fantasy.  For various reasons covered later, you can get sexually excited by pornography that is not in your nature, like a Gay guy getting aroused by Straight Porn, and the memory of this arousal can carry forward into fantasy.

Dreams and Fantasy are a safe way for our minds to Sexually Experiment and Explore, as well as seeking erotic experiences.  There can be a lot of sexual role changing and experimentation in your mind, especially when you are younger. Sexual dreams should not be immediately interpreted as literal expressions of sexual desire.

Straight Guys Can Have A Gay Sex Dream. If this only happens occasionally, then it is not saying you are Gay or Bisexual.  BUT, if it happens a lot, then you are probably Gay or Bisexual.
Gay Guys Can Have A Straight Sex Dream, but it will be a rare thing.
Guys Can Change Gender In Dreams. This is not as common, but does happen, and again it is your mind exploring and experimenting. Some say it is you getting in touch with your feminine side.

GIRLS & WOMEN: It is relatively common for Girls to dream about being a Guy having sex with a Girl. This is because the male role is often seen as dominant, the one in control, and one of power, and it is your desire to be in that role. These dreams and Fantasies seem more frequent in girls and young women who are Lesbian or Bisexual, but can also happen more frequently in straight girls and women who have issues of feeling dominated and controlled in her life.  Both Straight and Lesbian women dream of sexual encounters with another woman. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, it may not signify homosexual desire, but rather a need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side, or if you are in a relationship with a guy, it may reveal a need for more sensitivity or creativity from your partner, since we associate females with sensitivity and nurturing.  Some Girls even dream of being a Man having Gay sex with another Man.  Look at the kind of Dreams that are most frequent.  The younger you are, the more confusing it may seem.

VIRGINS: When you are a virgin, your mind has no reference point for sexuality, as to what things feel like, what would feel good, what would feel bad, what would be healthy or unhealthy. Even worse is when you use Pornography, because pornography is keyed to specific audiences and everything is done is to maximize angles, shots, and specific things that turn most people on. Even how sex is performed is heavily skewed, as is the size of breasts and penises. So porn can fuel some strange fantasies that later will be corrected naturally. There is no harm done, as long as you realize that the real experience may be different from what you See or Read in pornography.

Just under 50% of Boys and Men say they have fantasized about being raped by a woman, and sometimes by a man, and if you are Gay, have fantasized about being raped by a man.
50 to 62% of Girls and Women have Rape Fantasies, more at younger ages and less at older ages (a 2009 study).
But it is very important to make a distinction about what is really being fantasized about. When women fantasize about forced-sex or rape, it is not really rape they are fantasizing about at all, it is about surrendering, submission, power, domination, and more rarely, sexual desire without responsibility, and sexual guilt.  BUT it is ALL PRETEND and you are STILL IN CONTROL. I have been raped, and the real thing had nothing to do with sex. Rape is a hate crime motivated primarily by Gender, Power, Dominance, and Control.  You really have zero control, you are POWERLESS. But in dreams and fantasy, we do have control, so it feels very different and it is a very different thing because of it.

ROMANTIC SEEMING FANTASIES, especially at younger ages, can be confused with feelings of high friendship, because friendship is about love too, and you can deeply love a friend.  It can be easy to imagine yourself sharing your life with your best friend, when everything else is there, except for sexual intimacy, which the mind can skip over.

This can be two boys who are best friends, and one boy wonders if he is Bisexual, because he is so fond of his friend. Confusion can also happen with a boy and a girl as best friends. For example, a boy has a girl for a best friend, someone he loves dearly, and his family is homophobic, so being Gay is the last thing he wants, so he believes he is Straight for many years, until he starts having intense Gay fantasies and dreams at 20 years old. He comes to realize that he really does not sexually desire his friend, and now has a Gay sexual identity and is in a long-term relationship with another man.

FOR BOYS, first ask yourself which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about romantically, erotically or sexually.  Then ask yourself if any of the boys and girls you have know or seen in your lifetime have sexually turned you on by giving you (not counting pornography):
  1. Romantic fantasies and/or dreams with specific girls or boys,
  2. Sexual fantasies about specific girls or boys,
  3. Desire to touch or hold specific boys and girls in a Romantic way,
  4. Desire to have sex with specific boys and girls,
  5. Erections when around boys or girls, or from their casual touch (separate from unrelated spontaneous erections)?
FOR GIRLS, sexual arousal does not usually help you determined Sexual Orientation. Therefore, for girls, use only 1 through 4 in list above.

Sometimes fantasies about a specific person may be in conflict with your Sexual Orientation. For example, a boy who is primarily Gay, might sexually fantasize about his best friend, who is a girl, out of his need to see himself as "Normal." If he loves her as a friend on many levels, his subconscious mind can superimpose the sexual fantasy.  This can greatly confuse him. The pressure that our society imposes on us all to be CONFORM and be NORMAL can creates a lot of problems in young people figuring out their sexuality.

It can go the other way too. For example, a boy who is primarily straight, with only some Homosexuality, who is very close in friendship with another boy, might have flashes of desire or fantasy for him in a sexual way. Yet if he were able to act out on it, he would not find it particularly satisfying.

You might think that sexually experimenting with a guy and/or girl would tell you if you are Straight, Bisexual, or Gay/Lesbian, but it can actually be very misleading. For example, a Gay guy might have his first sexual experience with another guy, and have it be totally dull, a horrible experience, or can't even get an erection (due to anxiety or nervousness).

A good way to avoid this confusion is to wait and have sex only with a person you have strong Romantic feelings for, and sexual desire for.  If you just Hook-Up with someone and have anonymous or indiscriminate sex, it might just confuse you even more, or lead you down the wrong path.

Sexual Orientation can be much more difficult to figure out for Girls. This is because sexual arousal in a girl does not necessarily match her Sexual Orientation.  Recent research as shown a fundamental difference between male and female sexual arousal.  This is important because for men, sexual orientation is more alined to sexual arousal, but in women, it is different.  In the research, most of the young women were sexually aroused by watching videos of heterosexual sex, gay male sex, and lesbian sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.  No, not all women are bisexual.  What it means is that sexual arousal in females has little to do with sexual orientation.

Female Sexual Orientation is mostly determined by Romantic Feelings and Fantasies, and Sexual Desire.  However, if her Sexual Arousal is markedly greater toward one gender, then that is a valuable clue.


Gay Mannerisms are different from Masculinity and Femininity and are like an underlying layer to those things. There is a subtle to not so subtle Gay mannerism language throughout the LGBTQ Community.  The more you are around other GLBTQ people, the more likely you will be to acquire this, like you would an accent, no matter how masculine or feminine you are.  Some Gay youth and those new to the Community will sometimes acquire exaggerated Gay Mannerisms on purpose, as a way of expressing their Gay identity, or as a way to fit-in with the others.  This should not be mistaken for Effeminacy.

We can be born with a predisposition to be Masculine, Effeminate or Feminine, and/or it can be acquired later in life.

People can be born with a disposition towards Masculinity or Femininity, regardless of their Gender and regardless of their Sexual Orientation.  This is due to the same reasons for why we are born GLBT.  It happens due to fetal exposures to hormones while in the mother's womb, and depends on which hormones changed and at exactly what times during the two sexing-out phases of fetal development it happens.  The result can be any mix of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Transgender, Masculinity/Femininity, and all of those to any degree.

This means that a Straight man can be effeminate, by a little or a lot, or masculine to hyper-masculine, by a little to a lot.  A Straight woman can be masculine, by a little or a lot, or be feminine or hyper-feminine by a little of a lot.  The same is true of GLBT people.

Gay Men and Lesbians can acquire Effeminacy, Masculinity or Femininity in a few ways.

You can acquire Effeminacy like I acquired a British accent from the first boy I fell in love with, a foreign exchange student from the UK.  When you hang-out with other effeminate guys, you may acquire their mannerisms even without you realizing it. Lipstick Lesbians and Strait women can have their feminine traits reinforced and even increased by hanging out with hyper-feminine women. This is also true of Lesbians who hang out with masculine Lesbians.  Who you hang-out with a lot or work with a lot can make a difference.

It can work the same way towards masculinity for Gay men.  I was influenced to be more masculine by association for 17 years of living in tight quarters with almost all masculine men, but I was also under threat of my life if my being Gay was discovered, so there was a lot of pressure to be perfectly masculine and even hyper-masculine. I went to an Academy and then out to sea on supertanker ships.  If my shipmates had discovered that I was Gay, they would have killed me by tossing me over the side of the ship to drown.  It was done and it was joked about. For 17 years I had to watch every word I said, how I said it and how I moved my body. I made a mistake once when I sat down and crossed my legs, one knee of the other knee. It was joked about for a week, about how I sat like a girl or a Faggot. When I talked about my family life, my partners, I had to keep changing 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she.'  This resulted in me becoming a bit towards the hyper-masculine, despite living with two effeminate husbands for 10 years, one a Drag Queen.

Finally, and especially for youth and young adults, you can acquire mannerisms of masculinity and femininity from those who are your Role Models, people you really respect or love, or those who mentor you.  I had a mentor and best friend, for many years, and I acquired some of his mannerisms, especially being able to maintain absolute calmness in face of crisis at sea, to lead my men. He was a very masculine man.


  1. What do you daydream or fantasize about, sexually, when not Masturbating? You are looking for naturally occurring involuntary ones, not ones you try to purposely create in your mind.

  2. What do you fantasize about when you are Masturbating?  This does not include where you are FORCING YOURSELF to fantasize about a specific gender.

  3. If you watch Pornography, do you watch Straight Porn, Homosexual porn, or both, and if you watch both, which do you enjoy the most?  If you enjoy watching Straight porn, what do you focus on the most in the Straight porn, the male body parts and action, or the female body parts and action?

    Porn is not always a good measure of what is going on, because younger boys especially can get super-turned-on by anything sexual, which can be confusing to them.  But over time, the stuff contrary to their nature will really boring fairly quickly.

  4. Do you remember any of your dreams, and if so, can you remember the sexual ones? If you do remember them, are they Straight or Gay dreams, or both? Remembering dreams depends on if you dream before or after REM sleep.  If it is after, you can usually remember dreams.

  5. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit?  Do you get erections thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or vaginal sex, with a woman, or more?

  6. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or anal sex, with a guy, or more? Note: Some virgin Gay guys may think certain gay sexual acts sound disgusting, until they actually do it, then can't get enough. Therefore, if one or two things do not seem like a turn on to you, it does not mean you are not Gay.

  7. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude?  Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about sex with a woman?

  8. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude? Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about sex with a guy?

  9. If you are sexually aroused by both men and women, is one more intense than the other? If so, is one considerably more intense, or just a little more?

  10. Who would you rather wake-up cuddled up to and spooning with, a man or a woman? If you are trying to force yourself to be Straight, I want you to make an effort to remove your conscious drive to be heterosexual and live happily ever after with a woman. What does you heart say, not your mind?

  11. What kind of ROMANTIC dreams, fantasies and day-dreams do you have? Do they involve men or women or both? If both, which feels more comforting and fulfilling.

  12. Do you feel any guilt, shame or self-hatred around your sexual attractions, cravings, and feelings, and a desire not to have those sexual feelings, and do you feel like you are letting others down by being homosexual or bisexual?  I ask this question because it can show a motive for why you want to be straight, or why you are trying to force yourself to be straight, which can distort some of the answers you already gave above.


Straight Boys may be confused about their sexuality if they have discovered that playing with their anus is fun, including digital penetration, massaging their Prostate, or even using toys.  This is very normal and records of it go back thousands of years in Chinese and Indian texts, where women did this to men as part of normal sex. The Chinese considered the Prostate to be the third male sex organ (1-penis, 2-testicles/scrotum, 3-prostate) This area of the body is an erogenous zone, no matter if you are Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Some straight men even enjoy having their wives use a strap-on toy.


This is NORMAL to human sexuality. Obviously not everyone conforms to this, and religious and cultural training can interfere with it.


First of all, remember that pornography is designed to please as many customers as possible, so the things you see may not be typical of real sex at all.  For example, in Porn, ejaculation is always outside the body, because that is what people want to see, not because it is normal.  Anal penetrations are rapid in Porn because the models are already cleaned-out, prepped and stretched, otherwise you could really hurt someone. Oral sex may be very lacking in technique, because it is not easily filmed doing it right, etc.  There are also things in porn that are not typical at all, like porn with scenes involving urine, which is actually rather rare in the real world.

I am about as homosexual as you can get, yet when I was a boy, seeing pictures of a naked man or woman could arouse me, because of the TABOO factor—Forbidden fruit can be particularly arousing. As a Gay man, I can find the nude female body to be beautiful, but it does not sexually arouse me at all.  I did not even know what sex was until I was 19 years old, when another cadet smuggled a pornographic film and projector onto the ship. It sexually aroused me because of the Taboo factor, and because I focused on the men and their erections. I had never even seen another man aroused before.  When I went to sea (not military), there was a lot of straight porn in our staterooms.  After months at sea, I could use it for stimulation by focusing on the men, and with stories I could switch the woman to a man, most of the time.

What I am trying to show here is that Pornography alone may not tell you much.  Young people who are  in Denial, or are subconsciously or consciously pushed to be straight because of a homophobic environment, will use being able to be aroused by straight porn as absolute proof of being Straight. I must be straight because straight porn turns me on.

For girls and young women, pornography may not tell help you at all in determining sexual orientation, because most women can be sexually aroused when viewing Straight, Lesbian, or Gay pornography, REGARDLESS of her sexual orientation (based on a series of studies).

After viewing Straight, Lesbian or Gay pornography and finding it sexually arousing, it is possible that memory of that arousal and excitement might carryover to FANTASY and DAY-DREAMS, further confusing you.  What is much more significant is if you have a sexual response to real men or women you have met.

If pornography is confusing you about your sexual orientation, break it down and discover what is turning you on and what is turning you off.  If straight and homosexual porn sexually excites you, but you are unsure of your sexual orientation, ask yourself exactly what part of it is exciting you.  Do you find naked male bodies, without erections, to be sexually stimulating and arousing? Do guys only become stimulating to you when they have erections?  Do you find naked female bodies to be sexually stimulating and arousing?

If it is the act of penetration that is stimulating and arousing to you, and not necessarily WHO is doing it, this can be significant. A straight guy seeing a man penetrating another man anally might find it exciting, but it is not the gay part exciting him, it is penetrating someone anally that is exciting to him, and he can do this in straight sex, assuming she is willing (many women vend it pleasurable). On the other end, Straight men have been getting-off on anal stimulation for thousands of years, as found in ancient texts, although it is typically with fingers, toys, or a woman using a strap-on. For Lesbians, seeing penetration in Straight Porn might turn you on, but it is not the men that are the turn on, but rather the sexual act of penetration that is the turn-on.  If it is the act of penetration, this is something that can be done is Lesbian sex too, using toys, strap-ons, etc.

Finally, what if you think you are gay or lesbian, but after watching some gay porn, part of it turns you off or even seems disgusting?  Particularly if you are a virgin, certain acts might seem like a real turn off, but in the real world it will feel very different when you are crazy about a person and want every part of him. Some things like anal sex might seem dirty and disgusting, but it is typically very clean because the receptive person cleans himself out, and if you are crazy about the guy, who cares?  At the same time, some things might turn you on in a video that you would not want to do for real. Like maybe being spanked or bound and gagged turns you on  to see it, but you would never want to actually do it.  This is normal, because FANTASY is often about things we would not do for real.


Some women and girls get frustrated because they fall for guys who turn out to be Gay.  Women and girls can often sense the underlying sexual tension of straight men and boys.  Some thrive in it, but it can get old, especially when women are working in a male dominated workplace, and especially so when women and girls have been sexually harmed by men.  For a woman or girl, being around a Gay man or boy can feel more comfortable and safe, even if they have no idea he is Gay.

Many Gay men and boys have women and girls as their best friends or a very close friends.


When Boys or Men are anally raped, especially when done over a period of time, like when kidnapped, in Juvenile Detention, or in Prison, or any time that the pain of forceable penetration is low, they may end up getting erections, orgasming, and ejaculating, which can cause an even deeper shame and a questioning of their sexuality, thinking they must be Gay. Further, most Boys and Men can experience an erection when feeling great fear. Unfortunately, boys and men almost always keep rape a secret and never learn the truth about why their body reacted that way.

When the prostate gland in boys and men is being rhythmically impacted or massaged during anal sex or rape, it is a natural response of the male body to get an erection, experience pleasure, and sometimes even orgasm and ejaculate without ever having touched himself during the sex or rape. If you are being raped, this can really make a guy think he is Gay, but again, it is purely mechanical.

Even worse is when the rapist or others accuse the victim of liking to be raped, further increasing feelings of guilt and shame, and questioning of their sexual orientation.

If you know any boys or men who are victims of rape, be sure to explain this to them. There is no cause for shame or the questioning of their sexuality.


Something that can greatly add to the shame and guilt felt by Girls and Women who are raped, is if their body responds with an orgasm.  This is most likely to happen if held over a period time, or any time the pain of forceable rape is low.  It is again a Natural response of the body, and can happen to her even when she is terrified, feeling horrified, and in mental anguish.

Many people falsely assume and ACCUSE women who experience an orgasm in rape that she must enjoy being raped, which is a disgusting and outrageous thing to say, or accuse a woman of.  Even worse is when the Rapist himself is taunting her with the fact.  Even other women can be judgmental about this when a woman is raped, but is again a natural body response. Different women will respond in different ways, and fear and terror can affect people differently.


Sexual Identity can actually be changed against one's nature, but it is debatable about how much so.  For example, a person who is primarily heterosexual, but secondarily homosexual or incidentally homosexual, could be forced into changing sexual identity to homosexual.

In prison, rape is common, BUT relationships are also common, typically stemming from "protector" and "protected" relationships.  It is NOT just a matter of sex.  Most human beings will crave and NEED intimacy to survive. Additionally, there is chemistry involved. The hormone "Oxytocin," is secreted by both sexes during orgasm. Oxytocin, is the key to monogamy and long-term attachment. It has also been dubbed the "cuddling" chemical, which also helps new mothers make milk and bond with their babies. The longer two men or two women are having sex, even just out of necessity, the more they will bond and form a loving relationship.

When Straight men are incarcerated for very long time periods, or for life, they engage in homosexual sex out of necessity.  Many of the smaller less strong men do not do so out of desire, but do so out of the need for protection from rape and violence from the general prison population. But over time, there is also a need for intimacy and bonding for both, helped by the hormone Oxytocin. These relationships can become strong and loving. But on release from prison, they revert back to heterosexual behavior.

Some women are so brutalized by men that they cannot bring themselves to ever be intimate with a man again, and sometimes cannot even bear the touch of a man. But they still have a need for intimacy and bonding. Which is why some women adopt a Lesbian lifestyle, despite being primarily heterosexual.  There needs to be enough homosexuality in her sexual spectrum to allow this to happen.  If you encounter a Man-Hating Lesbian who even discriminates against Gay men, chances are she became a Lesbian by choice, due to abuse at the hands of men.

It is easier for Straight women to become Lesbians or Bisexuals than it is for Straight men to become Gay or Bisexual.  This is because women can be sexually aroused by either gender, regardless of her biological sexual orientation. Male sexual arousal is driven by their biological sexual orientation. Therefore, conditions have to be more extreme for men to change their sexual identity.


ASEXUALITY is when you permanently lack a Sex-Drive (Libido). Asexuality is not a Sexual Orientation. Asexual people have a Sexual Orientation, and can have Romantic Attraction and Desire for a person, but have no Sexual Drive.  Libido (Sexual Drive) is the thing that pushes you to desire and need sexual release (sex or masturbation). Asexuals feel no desire, drive or need for sex, but they can enjoy sex if they choose to engage in it. Asexuals may choose to engage is sexual activity for various reasons, such as being in a relationship with someone who is not Asexual

If you never desire sexual intimacy, and never feel sexual attraction or arousal to anyone or from fantasy, then you are Asexual. You are not Asexual if you abstain from sex due to a fear of intimacy or sex, or aversion to sex, for other intimacy issues, for religious reasons or for psychological reasons.  People who are Celibate-by-Choice or who are Autosexual are not Asexual.  [Autosexual: Those who prefer masturbation over partnered sex.]

You are either born Asexual, or it can happen later in life, from problems in the brain at birth or that develop later, due to injury to the brain, tumor, etc.

Asexuals feel no desire or need to masturbate, but can enjoy the sensations of doing it, and masturbation can relieve discomfort of your body’s natural sexual reactions. The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis.

Some people, who only engage in masturbation (no sex), tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, however, this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.

When you truly have No Libido, you typically have no desire to masturbate—I experienced this when drug treatments shut down my libido—but one may sometimes do it to alleviate discomfort. However, some Asexual-identified people say that the mechanical process of masturbation gives them physical pleasure, without experiencing desire or using fantasy or pornography. Because sexual nerves are only one component of the sexual pleasure equation, nothing but mechanical masturbation yields a lot less perceived sensation, and thus it tends to happen less and less frequently over time.

Some people who only engage in masturbation, tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, and use sexual fantasy or pornography to masturbate, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, but this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.


TESTOSTERONE: Sexual Drive (Libido) is driven and regulated by Testosterone in both males & females. If you have a low or zero sex-drive, Testosterone levels should be checked.  If Testosterone is too low, Testosterone supplements can be used to regain your sex-drive [available in gels, underarms (like a deodorant), patches, etc.].

MEDICATIONS: Some Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants and antipsychotics, some hormonal contraceptives, opioids and beta blockers can suppress Libido, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).

Sexual libido can also be completely shut down for psychological reasons—this is not Asexuality. Some of these reasons can be obvious, and others more hidden and subtle.
    FEAR: Fear of Intimacy, fear of sex, fear of being hurt and fear of the emotions and vulnerability of sex can easily shut down Libido. This can be especially true if you have already been emotionally damaged in dating, or witnessed it in others. Most are not even conscious of this process.  You might fear AIDS or STDs. Body Shame can shut you down.
    STRESS, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY in your life can easily shut libido off in some people. This can happen from your home or school environment, from tragedies in your life, stress from growing up LGBTQ, a dysfunctional family, home problems, living with an addict, being bullied, pressure for grades and career, and physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE can also get shut down sexually.

©Matthew Barry 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015

Updated Section on Sexual Spectrums 01-29-14, & general clean-up of deviation after DA changed its HTML coding.

Where are you on the Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive, and Masculinity/Femininity?

Gender-Sexuality is a wide and continuous spectrum:
A Spectrum from 100% Heterosexual to 100% Homosexual and everything in-between,
A Spectrum from Male to Female to 3rd Gender and Transgender,
A Spectrum from Masculinity to Femininity and Effeminacy,
A Spectrum from No Sex Drive (Asexual) to a Very High Sex Drive (Hypersexuality).

For some of us, the journey to understanding our nature, and then to find self-acceptance of it, can be a confusing and difficult quagmire, often fraught with angst and turmoil, especially when denial and/or internalized homophobia are involved.

When I was 11 years-old, I knew that I was different from other boys and that I liked boys the way I was supposed to like girls. I did not even know what sex was until age 19, but I dreamed of holding another boy in my arms and kissing him. I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12, just to be torn apart when he returned to the UK.

For me, it was the journey to self-acceptance and self-love, at a time when almost everyone felt you were better off dead than Gay, that was full of turmoil, guilt, shame, depression, and self-hatred, before I finally was able to overcome it all and find the freedom to love myself as a Gay man.

To better understand what your Sexual Identity is, it is a good idea to first understand the different aspects of human sexuality.

Almost nothing of value is taught about human sexuality in school. My purpose here was to give you enough information to better understand yourself, while also being very brief.

Feel free to contact me with questions.

GENDER & SEXUAL IDENTITY SYMBOLS (For the Image at Top of Page)

It is important to make a distinction between Symbols for an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S Gender & Sexual Identity, and for a RELATIONSHIP’S Gender & Sexual Identity.

Top Row
    1. Male Homosexuality (Gay) or Gay Relationship 2. Female Homosexuality (Lesbian) or Lesbian Relationship 3. Intersexual or Transgender Person 4. Heterosexual Person 5. Transgender Person
Bottom Row:
    1. Transgendered 2. Heterosexual Relationship 3. Male Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with Two Males & One Female 4. Female Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with One Male & Two Females 5. Intersexual or Hermaphroditic
Not Shown:
    1. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Males: Three Interlocking Mars Symbols 2. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Females: Three Interlocking Venus Symbols 3. Asexuality, Sexless or Genderless: Medium White Circle Base 4. Neuter: This is in fact the shape of the original (medieval) "Venus" symbol (depicting a hand mirror - a circle with a vertical line at the bottom).

You may also find some of my other GLBT writings to be of interest:

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must have made
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968
THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 

The Following are all Hot linked, just click on a title to go there:

Add a Comment:
Inspired Creativity?
You are a genius, and if not, I'd only feel comfy letting you recieve the title "More Tolerant Than Most". I am impressed with your ability to Cull the Unknown from the Fact.

You have an obvious talent for explaining Human Psychology, physical and otherwise, but this really shines once you view it through anothers eyes. I was never curious about my own gender or anything like that, but i'm sure that people are. You having the Gonads (proverbial or no) to dispell the fog-of-war surrounding these issues is Enlightening and influential.

Go forth and continue updating, editing and expanding upon the ideas listed inside of this "paper".... I'm off to go re-read this monster.

What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
50 out of 55 deviants thought this was fair.

Besides one technical error (at the top of where is says "within all of those spectrum, every combination is possible" was a little confusing. I wasn't sure what you meant or what those combinations were. this was very well written. It has helped me with thinking about everything I am and not only focusing on the Sex. I want to thank you for writing this, something so long must have been very hard.

The part where you are talking about sexuality and Sexual identity was a little confusing, the bisexual part might need a little more work. I think some more info, or details with the levels, also could be called labels, would be very helpful. I didn't completely understand your differences between Bisexual and "primarily gay secondary straight. Nor what incidentally straight/gay meant.

You did a fair job with the asexual, however maybe a supportive piece could be added or just add more info on why they are like that and how to "deal with it" or some more info on the way in which they are asexual but still in relationships.

OH! and the part about fantasies being about non-sexual things was a huge eye opener for me.

Overall well done and thank you for posting this.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
45 out of 46 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

kittipet Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2016
Wow, this is so... detailed! It took me a couple of days to finish reading and think through the information, and this is really amazing!
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  I am happy that you find it helpful.  Please know that there is actually much more on the subject, but DA has a set limit on how many characters (letters) you can type in one deviation.  For example, I was not able to cover very much about Transgender and Asexuality, and had planned to write about each separately.  Alas, I have not had the time.  All of my time goes into volunteer counseling for young LGBTQ people.

There are also people who are not Transgender, but like to float back and forth between male and female—today and I want to be male and tomorrow I want to be female. Some may use hormone treatments and limited surgery, and some do not.

Some people like to be androgynous, where you look partly male and partly female in appearance, where no one can tell what your gender is.  Human Sexuality is definitely on a rainbow spectrum.

There is the Sexual Identity your are born with, the Sexual Identity that you choose, and the one you end up living for periods of time.  One example is a woman who is physically and sexually attracted to both men and women, and enjoys both.  But romantically, she found men to be unfulfilling, and her serious relationships were with women.  She has now been married to her wife for some 18 years.  She was born Bisexual, but her practical and chosen Sexual Identity is Lesbian.  

Another example is a man who was born Bisexual, and he is both sexually and romantically attracted to men and women.  He spent over ten years with a woman, and when that did not work out, he later fell in love with a man and is with him now.  If that does not work out, he could fall in love with ether a man or woman.  He choses to keep his Sexual Identity as Bisexual, no matter who he is in love with.  By-the-way, some people think that Bisexuals have more temptations to cheat on their lover, because they re attracted to both women and men, but this in 'not' true.

There is another example of someone I know well. This person was born a boy, and there are a number of aspects that he likes about being a boy.  But he also feels that he is Transgender, where her body was born male but her brain was born female, and she is planning to start her transition to become a woman.  If it was possible, he/she would like to be a man at times, with a man's body, and also be a woman for periods of time, with a woman's body.  This is not possible at this time, although you could transition half-way and be a bit of both, which is far from ideal.  She has decided to become a woman, since that 'pull' on her is the stronger.  She is completely attracted to men.  As a man, he is Gay (homosexual), and once she transitions into a woman, she will be Straight (heterosexual). Notice that 'Gay' and 'Straight" are just labels to describe your attractions.

Something else to consider is than many teenagers and young adults have a period in there lives where they are seeking their identity and experimenting for what identity fits them best.  This phase may be very short, or last until they are out of college, or last all their lives.

I encourage all young people to not worry so much about your sexual identity and just let things develop as they will, keeping an open mind and willingness to love yourself, no matter what your identity turns out to be.  When I was a 13-year-old boy, I prayed and begged God to make me 'Normal.'  When I accepted and embraced my homosexuality, I realized that i LOVED being Queer, and I am proud of who I am.  I begged God to make me 'normal' because I was terrified of being different and how I would be hated.  Remember, I grew up in the 1950s through the 1970s, when being Gay could get you put in prison, tortured, beat-up, lose your career, and be badly discriminated against.  But I found this amazing LGBT community who became family to me.  I found that I could be happy and thrive in a world seemingly full of hate for people like us.  I started living completely open as a Gay man in 1989, at age 34, and it finally set me free.   

To be a happy person, it is critical to accept and love who you are.  Some people will get upset at you for having green and purple spiked hair, but others will appreciate the diversity and the wild spirit and personality it represents.  I love diversity in life.

Remember the motto of the Sexual Minority community: We do not tolerate diversity, we celebrate it.
kittipet Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2016
If you are unsatisfied with the limit, you can always divide it in chapters.

And I promise not to worry :)
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
Another plan I had was to author it to a PDF Booklet.  Alas, I need time.   This may happen in the coming year.  If you meet anyone who is confused about Sexual identity, please feel free to copy this deviation to them, or give them the link.

The reason why I wrote this deviation is because I kept getting so many questions about Sexual Identity from young people, and realized there was a great need for honest and factual information.  There is a lot of garbage on the internet.  I have even found Fundamentalist Christian sites pretending to be there to help Gay Youth, then list lie after lie to scare youth about being homosexual. I got internet providers to drop two such sites, but they just pop-up under another name. They said things like homosexuals cannot have long-term loving relationships, and Gay couples just quickly break-up. Considering that 55% of straight marriages end in divorce, I think Gay couples are doing very well.

These sites will list references to scientific studies. I followed these reference links and found them to be studies about something completely different.  They were bogus references.  Remember, just because a web site gives references, it does not mean the references are legitimate.  There were also links to studies about homosexuals from the 1960 through 1970s, all of which have been proven false.  For example, one study only looked at 25 gay men going to one Gay bar, then claimed that all homosexuals were just like them.  Another site was telling boys that their life spans would be far shorter than straight people, and that anal sex would lead to anal inconstancy (leaking), which is completely false. Every point they made were lies.

Anyway, please beware of information you find on the internet.  Sorry, I guess I got off topic and wrote too much.
kittipet Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2016
The things you write are awesome. Those stories about real people actually help. I liked the story about that friend of yours who was born male and sometimes felt male, but decided to be female, because it is very much alike my case. The only difference is that I was born female and I'm not planning to change anything yet. Maybe later there will be options to be both male and female like Yime Nsokyi from "Surface Detail" by Iain M. Banks, because the more we live, the faster the progress goes. It's great to know for sure that there is someone who faced the same problems and figured out a solution. To be the only one is a secret fear of every person. When I was younger I knew very little about Gender Identity, and I was worried that I couldn't make an ultimate decision, but now I define myself as a Genderfluid and peacefully wait for the Science to catch up with my dreams.
And I never treat seriously those studies which are older than me:D (I was born in 90s).

I don't mind off topic, I also get carried away quite often. 
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
I am not sure how well the solution will be if she changes her mind about becoming a full-time woman.  This is why she will do a full year of living as a woman full time.  Typically, those who choose full Transgender surgery are experiencing Gender Dysphoria (distress about their birth gender).  If you desire being both male and female, the 'push' to save money and go through surgeries is less defined.  Time will tell.

I am currently working with two Transgender people, one male and one female.  For pre-pubescent girls who are experiencing severe Gender Dysphoria, and are very sure about being Transgender, it is far better to have puberty stopped (with hormones), before their breasts develop,  to buy time before transitional hormone therapy can be legally started.  But if it is either too late or a girl's parents won't let it happen, then there is a surgical solution later, to remove the breasts.  I have to say that the full transition from female-to-male is a far harder road to travel (with multiple surgeries) compared to male-to-female.  It is a lot harder to make a penis than it is to take one away.  This might change with time.  Some F to M Transgenders will stop after removing their breasts and maybe some cosmetic surgery to look more male.

If you are not experiencing Gender Dysphoria, you may be happy with transitioning through appearance only, rather that using surgery or even hormones. Although, if you naturally have very large breast, binding becomes a problem and then breast reduction might be an option.  There are very realistic male prosthetics that even allow you to use a urinal in a men's room, and give you the correct bug in your pants. 

The advice I gave the girl who is transitioning to male, it to carefully study boys around her, looking at the small nuances of body and facial movements, expression, reactions to others, eye contact habits, mannerisms, how they socialized, etc.  When she eventually starts going to school as a boy, she will want to be able to blend in.  She is very pleased when people think she is a boy, so she is getting better at it. The hours of binding is worrisome, but she is working with a doctor to monitor it.  

I am autistic and had a huge challenge in learning to dance (ballroom, west-coast swing, etc).  I had to push my brain hard to form new neural pathways (neuroplasticity).  Months later, suddenly I was rapidly improving.  I decided I wanted to both lead (typical male role) and follow (typical female role).  I was afraid that constantly switching from leading to following would be extremely difficult.  But it turned out to be easy with some practice.

I mention this because I fully believe you could switch between the female and male roles, with the changes in speech, mannerisms, body and fail language and social patterns.  It just takes studying the male patterns, seeing how they are different from female patterns, then a ton of practicing.  If you do it in a safe environment, it could be fun.  this is why I was able to do the dancing challenges, because it was fun. 
kittipet Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016
No, I'm not experiencing Gender Dysphoria (or very rarely and in a mild form), but I live in a small Russian town, and there are other problems. For example, a woman can't buy a bra that wouldn't be push-up, or trousers that wouldn't be tight. In a bigger cities there are more options, but there are stories about women who looked or dressed very manlike and were beaten because of it. I can't pass for a man, though I have small breasts, I have a feminine appearance, and I'm only 155 centimeters tall (that's about 5 feet and 1 inch).

I never went to school because of health issues, so I hadn't seen any people of my age untill I turned 17 (about a year and a half ago). It's not only boys, I had no clue how girls act too, information from books isn't enough. When I finally saw them I realized that I may sit or smile like a girl, but I make less movements, my intonation doesn't change so often, and I don't sing, don't laugh just out of the blue. I guess it places my behavior somewhere in between the two genders.

And yes, sometimes I do switch. I even make better jokes when I feel male.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
I am happy to hear that you do not have gender dysphoria, which can make life very difficult.   I also know what it is like to be in a smaller town.  I worked with a girl who was going to an all girl school, so it was very hard for her to observe boys and masculine behavior and mannerisms, but now she is in a mixed gender school.   I have also worked with young people in Russia and Serbia before, and know how challenging the situation can be for any Sexual Minorities.  It is almost the same as when I grew up, when you were always a bit scared, where you were surrounded by hate and intolerance, where you could loose everything, including your career and your life, and even go to prison or face torture (electric shock), if you were found out.  When I found the Gay community, it really helped me.  I had to go to an Academy and 14 years at sea on ships, knowing that if they found out I was Gay, they would kill me.  I saw it happen.  When I got off my last ship, I swore and oath to never hide again, and I lived as an openly gay man after that. But by 1989, things were improving for Sexual Minorities in the United States, but had a long way to go yet.  We were being decimated by AIDS.  Our battle to get help for our dying brothers and sisters is what really brought our community together in an activist way, to fight hard for equal rights.  I am very afraid for my Russian brothers and sisters and can only hope that things will get better in the next 10 years.  

I have seen feminine women look masculine.  We used to have something we called a 'Closet Ball' in Seattle, Washington, USA.  Men and women came on stage dressed in their birth gender, and the men tried to act and look as masculine as possible and the women tried to look and act as feminines possible.  Then they had 1 hour to transition to the opposite.  The one who had the greatest transition won the contest.  Some of the transitions seemed almost unbelievable. It is not the clothing, wigs, hair cuts, or make-up that seems the transition, it is 'being' that gender, the subtle language of your body and face, your mannerisms, how you walk, how you hold yourself, which have much more to do with transmitting cues of masculinity and femininity. Subtle makeup can also harden edges of the face.  

You would probably pass more as a teenage boy. Boys have softer and more rounded features.  I am only trying to let you know not to assume anything and try to live in the world of all possibilities.  Perhaps you will be able to move to a larger city, with greater possibilities.  In the mean time, there is fantasy.

You mentioned "feeling male," and this is also important.  When you feel male, or female, in your core, at that moment, like this is who I am and I know it that can convince people. It is not the same as acting in a move, it is actually becoming someone else different.  My ex-husband was a Drag Queen and Female Impersonator.  He actually won a bikini contest one time. We had special hip and breast prosthetics made for him that blended well.  Anyway, he was a different person as a woman.  He actually became more self-confident, loved himself, had a sassy personality, stood up for herself, and she danced and pranced and sang in her real voice on stage.  But as a man, he had little self-confidence, he did not like himself and he was very shy. He would not sing unless he was alone, and his voice was good.  HIs personality as a man and as a woman were very different, but I still loved the male one better, although I wished he would feel better about himself, lol.  Alas, he cheated on me too many times to even count, and for a time was addicted to pot and an alcoholic. Such is life.

In conclusion, I have seen what is possible and you have not.  So please trust me when i say your dreams can come true.  In the mean time, enjoy each day as much as you can, instead of just existing and waiting for something better. I am in a slow and very painful dying process (joint and nerve disease), but I do not dwell in the past or the future.  I work to get the most out of each day.  I appreciate the small things most people take for granted, like the sun suddenly shining on my face, hearing kids laughing down the street, hearing a great song or seeing something artistic, seeing my husband smile…  All the small things add up to a positive day, despite the pain, despite the inability to much of anything with my body.  I wasted too much of my life being depressed and just existing.  I wish there had been some help for me when I was a boy and young man.  But we make do with what we have.  All the best.
(1 Reply)
101101EV-C Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2016  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
This is wonderful! It was very helpful to have all the facts arranged neatly and in one place. I identify as bisexual but I had always questioned that because I lean more towards gay than straight romantically, but not sexually. And not to mention all the gender difficulties. So, over all I found your work very helpful in many regards. Thank you.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2016  Professional Digital Artist
You are most welcome.  Sexual Identity can change as you discover more about yourself and as you form friendships and romantic relationships.  Some people do not settle on their Sexual identity until their 30's, while other are absolutely certain at age 13.

There is a difference between romantic 'attraction' and romantic 'love.'  Most often, two people start with a physical and sexual attraction with each other, and then hope they fall romantically in love.  But it often works the other way around too. As an example, I was not physically or sexually attracted to the man who became my husband of over 25 years.  We met and started forming a friendship when taking dance lessons. Then one day, after spending the day canoeing on a lake together, the sun fell across his face and I had a sudden thought that he was kind-of cute in this light, and then noticed I had a sexual response to him.  This is when I realized that I had fallen in love with him.  I explained what happened and asked him if he had an interest in dating me romantically.  He took three days to decide yes.

When we fall romantically in love with a person, the sexual attraction follows automatically.  He was not someone I was physically or sexually attracted to in any way, but as we became freinds and got to know each other, I became attracted to his personality and character, which developed into romantic feelings and then falling in love. I was not noticing this process because forming a close friendship involves love too.  It was not until my body sexually responded to him that I was able to see the transition that had happened with how I felt about him.  His romantic attraction for me took longer to develop.

In conclusion, when you say, "I lean more towards gay than straight romantically, but not sexually," you may find this line more blurry when actually dating and forming friendships, in either direction.

I have also known girls who a difficult connecting romantically with men, due to their alien nature (Men are from Mars and women are from Venus).  It might be far easier to form social and friendship bonds, to feel comfortable with those of your own gender.  One woman told me that men were super-hot sexually, but were not meeting her other needs, and she found herself drifting more towards relationships with women, although she is technically bisexual.

Time will tell. No matter what, try to enjoy the process of discovery.  Many young people feel a lot of angst from 'not knowing' exactly what their sexual identity is.  If you 
cannot find your sexual identity, it will find you, lol.  All the best…
tiddyoggy Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2015
Matthew I loved your article. I hope and believe it could help many. I assume it is OK to copy - intact with copyright?

Realised my gay attraction in early teens (1950s). Distressingly complicated by ultra religious upbringing. Suicide attempt at 14. Engaged to girl at 17 to try to 'cure' myself. Realised I could ruin her life so split. Still disowned over 50 years later by some family members.

Met first gay partner at 19 - it lasted 17 years. He was very promiscuous and left for another (he died some years ago). Took many years to overcome my childhood brainwashing and realise I am not the problem. It is the distorted views religion or parents are allowed to instil.

Today is my 36th anniversary with my loving gay partner. In my 70s and still waiting for marriage equality in Australia.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Sir,  Thank you.  Yes, you may copy it and give it to anyone it might help. If you want to publish it somewhere, let me know, since you will need a written please form.  I do update it occasionally, so you might want to check for updates before giving it out. If you did not already know, I have been a volunteer Peer Counselor to the Sexual Minority Community for over 25 years, with the latter 15 years specializing in sexual Minority Youth (about ages 12 through 24).  The most questions I was receiving through my DA portal were around sexual identity, which is why I decided to write this piece. The number of characters is limited by DA.  I could author it to PDF, but decided I needed to keep it as short as possible, since most young people will not want to read much.  Unfortunately, this limits what I can say about certain aspects of Sexual Identity that some are currently using for identity, such as Pansexuality.  The really thorny issue is Asexuality, since I keep getting complaints by many who label themselves as Asexual, despite not fitting into its medical term. I have had to keep deleting other things I wrote in the paper to make room for more about Asexuality.

You were very courageous and good to spare the girl you almost married.  So many Gay men married and cause not only themselves but this women they married, many years or decades of misery. I am very sorry to hear that you have some family who still have not embraced you.  That said, I imagine you have built yourself your own extended family.

It sounds like you and I are of the same generation.  I am 60. I have been with my husband Greg (legally married now) for over 25 years. Many CONGRATULATIONS on your 36 years with your husband.  I live in Washington State, where we had Gay Marriage before it acme legal in all of the United States.  Soon after Greg and I committed to each other, we created living Trusts, Powers of Attorney for financial and medical (deferred), Last Wills, etc, to legal protect each other in case something happened. I assume you have done the same.  My first two partners, D (4 years) and P (6 years) were extremely promiscuous each time I went to sea.  I worked up to Chief Engineer on supertanker ships, and I would go to sea roughly 2 to 3 months and then came home for the same amount of time.  My second partner could not even say how many men he was with, other than over 70 or so. I am just not that way.  I have always been faithful.  I have a very high sexual Libido, so I don't accept that as an excuse.  I have been partnered with men almost continuously for 38 years, with a 1 year break between P and my current husband Greg.  I decided I needed a year with no dating or sex, to work at overcoming the worse limitations of my autism, to overcome my depression, and to learn how to be happy on my own and to love myself.  I had become codependent, taking care of guys, while also 'needing' a man to complete myself and in make me happy.  This was very unhealthy. I succeeded and was happy and having fun when I met Greg.  

I was not attracted to Greg at all.  I needed a partner for a dance lesson and he was alone, so i asked him if he would like to partner for the lesson. We did a number of ordinary friendship things like hiking and whatnot. One Saturday we went to a Lake to go canoeing, and got back to his place in late afternoon.  A rare beam sunlight broke through perpetually overcast skies of Seattle, shining on greg, and I had this sudden thought, "Hmm, he looks rather cute in this light," and also realized I was rather hard. I immediately knew that the only way he could suddenly seem hot to me, when I had not been attracted at all, was love. Naturally Immediately explained what had happened, then asked him if he would consider dating me romantically.  He took 3 days to say yes.

I am sorry to hear that things were so bad you tried to take your own life at age 14.  I tried to do the same at age 13. Besides growing up gay, I was growing up Autistic in a time it was considered a form of Mental Retardation. We both know how very difficult it was to grow up gay in the 1950s, 60s and 70s.  My own mother told me she would rather me be dead than one of those disgusting perverts.  Thankfully, she came to accept me fully and even advocate for us. Like you, I was raised in a strict religious home.  I was raised Catholic and wanted to be a priest.  Being autistic and very isolated by my family, I was extremely innocent and naive, not even learning what straight sex was until age 19.  However, by age 11, I had figured out that I was different from other boys, and how.  I confessed to my aunt the day after I turned 13, saying, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls." Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity  Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968

I had fallen in love with Anton Wild, and exchange student from the UK, at age 12, then lost him when he returned home. then at age 13, my priest told us altar boys that boys like me wore abominations doomed to burn in hell.  I tried to jump off a highway overpass days later, only to be stopped by a man who jumped out of his car and grabbed my feet as I was going over the top of the chained-link fence.  It all shattered my faith.  Yet the religious brain-washing persisted, in the form of internalized homophobia (self-hatred and hating being gay), until I was around age 24 to 25.  Consciously, I had come to love being Gay, but guilt and shame keep popping up in me.  I decided to go on a journey of discovery about Homosexuality and the Bible, to help others reconcile their faith with homosexual nature. I discovered that the original New Testament, written in coptic Greek, never said anything against homosexuality, although translators did.  I later wrote a series of papers on the subject:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity  New Testament & Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity  Old Testament & Homosexuality
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 

In Junior high and High School, I had to shower with other all of the other boys at school, after Physical Education classes.  You may find this hard to believe, but I was so terrified of getting an erection that I was able to shower surrounded by naked boys, and never actually 'see' anything that would excite me.  It was an induced and selective blindness.  When I was 18, I went into a Merchant Marine Academy, which looked like the military, but was civilian. There was zero privacy, not even partitions between toilets.  I slept nose-to-nose with another guy, and another above me (in long rows or hanging racks/bunks).  I hat to not only hide being Gay, I had to hyper-masculinize myself. In the Academy and in the American Merchant Marine (back then), if they found out you were Gay, they killed you by tossing you over the side of the ship.  Not only was this well-known, but I saw it happen and got in trouble for sounding the alarm for 'man overboard.'  I lived with this fear for some 17 years.  Even your mail is not private, so the male names of my partners had to be changed to female equivalents.  I once got caught sitting down and crossing one knee over the other, and had it joked about how I sat like a girl, for a week. When talking, I had to make sure that I kept changed her to him and he into she.  I had to watch how I talked, how I moved, attitude, mannerisms, etc.  

At age 34, I retired from the sea and did not have to get a job for the rest of my life. I had saved and invested religiously. Leaving my last ship, I made a big deal of going down the gangway (as the steam whistle blew for each year of service) and got down on my knees and kissed the dock.  I then swore an oath to never hide who I am again.  I have never regretted it.

I am very happy to hear that you feel good about who you are and are no longer bothered by the religious training of your childhood.  I was very scared to tell my father, who used to the head of CCD (religious instruction classes for Catholic kids in public school) in Las Angeles. Yet he turned out to be very supportive.  He is the one who challenged me to read every word of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John of the New Testament, to see that Jesus never once mentioned or even hinted that homosexuality was bad.  He was well-traced in Catholic theology, but he was also a 'thinking' and intelligent man.  By the way, my younger sister is a Lesbian, so the youngest two kids out of five are homosexual.

My doctors tell me that when I was around age 11 to 12 (onset of puberty) arthritis started to set-in. By the time I was age 30, pain was becoming persistent, and by age 40, the arthritis and nerve degeneration were crippling me.  Now I am homebound.  Despite that I am relatively happy and content, as long as I pretend I am not going to die sooner than later from it.   I continue to do Peer counseling full time, from home, via the internet, Skype and phone., but I am trying to slow it all down.  I am able to do less and less each year.  I hope that you are also relatively happy and content.

I wrote a number of other pieces.  Here are a few you might have an interest in:

THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity  The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE by inspiredcreativity 

The Faces of Teen Suicide by inspiredcreativity 
The Faces of Teen Suicide

HAPPINESS, Fulfillment and Contentment by inspiredcreativity HAPPINESS, Fulfillment & Contentment

All the best,

MidnightBlaze16 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2015
Welp, looks like I'm gay XD I'm 13, the only times I have dreamt or thought romantically about someone it was a person of the same gender. I haven't had to much romantic and zero sexual inclination though I suffer from stress and some anxiety and depression so it makes sense. No definite answer yet, but this definitely helped
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi,  Stress, anxiety and depression can definitely shut down sexual libido, but it is also possible that you are a late bloomer.  Give yourself some time. If you ever feel the need to ask questions or talk about issues, feel free to contact me.  If you send me a DeviantArt Note, it will be completely private and confidential. I have been a volunteer Peer Counselor to the Sexual Minority Community for around 25 years. I am also Gay and I have been with my husband for over 25 years.  We prove that you can be gay and be successful in life, successful in career and successful in love.  I first came-out in 1968 when I was 13, but my aunt dismissed it as a phase boys go through.  I was very sheltered and knew nothing of sexuality, so I told her that I felt about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls. It was very rough being Gay back then, but it far better now.  Even back in the 1970s, when it was very challenging to be gay, I still easily found love, although I did not go looking for it until I was 23.  But I was also autistic and very shy.

If you are having a lot of stress in school, know that life gets far better after you get out of High School.

If you want to talk to someone else, at any time day or night (24/7), you can call the TREVOR HOTLINE for GLBT teens at 1-866-488-7386

This is NOT just for crisis or suicide.  You can call to talk to someone if you have questions, if need someone to talk to, if you are having a bad night, having an anxiety attack, and so on.  They will listen without judgment.

Their phones are set up to BLOCK YOUR PHONE ID.  Your Identity and Phone info are 100% Anonymous.

You can also talk to them through Chat or Text.  They also have TrevorSpace, a Social networking sight for LGBTQ youth ages 13 to 24, and their freinds and allies.

Trevor Home Page

TrevorChat A free, confidential secure instant messaging support service
TrevorText A free, confidential text messaging service
TevorSpace An online community for LGBTQ young people and their friends
Trevor Support Center Where LGBTQ youth and allies can find answers to FAQs and explore resources related to sexual orientation, gender identity and more

I wish you the very best,


the-llama-sama Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2015
Sexual Orientation IS about sexual feelings towards a certain gender(s)/sex(s). Lemme put it to ya this way, I am NO WAY, shape or form, whatsoever LGBTphobic, okay? Now with that out of the way, let's get on with it. (Warning: I am about to be VERY blunt about my phrasing in this, so be prepared) If you are gay, that means your dick will solely get hard over other men. Same this goes with a lesbian woman. If you're bisexual, you can be aroused by BOTH members. If you're pansexual, you can get your dick hard or pussy wet with both sexes, and even all GENDERS. (there's a difference motherflockers. "Sex" is the scientific male or female. "Gender" is the social rather than scientific identification of male or female, such as transgendered and transsexual people, the latter being taking the big step over.) Asexual people can't get their dick hard, or pussy wet towards any gender or sex whatsoever. It's not just the romantic side that makes up your sexuality; for example, I could be an aromantic bisexual, meaning I can feel sexually attracted to both sexes, but I cannot feel romantic emotions. And so on forth. I do believe that I am an aromantic bisexual (swinging more towards the llllladies, but feeling no romantic emotions towards anything.) Make sense? Or do I just have my head stuck so far up my ass I'm risking choking in my windpipe?
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2015  Professional Digital Artist

You are not actually correct in your conclusions.  I am well versed in the latest research in human sexuality, as well as direct empirical experience in working with people for 25 years, as a counselor.

Sexual Orientation is NOT a matter of WHO you have sex with. Sometimes Gay men have sex with women, and sometimes Straight men have sex men.  Sometimes Lesbians have sex with men, and sometimes Straight women have sex women.  If you have been in places like the Navy, or prison, isolated situations, or even in certain college situations, you would see how often Straight men have sex with Gay men, but it has nothing to do wth attraction, it is simply a way to ease a sexual need, and sometimes a hidden need for intimacy (human touch and connection).

FEMALE AROUSAL:  Research has shown that girls and women shown Straight, Gay Male and Lesbian pornography became aroused by all of it, regardless of their individual Sexual orientation. Female Sexual arousal is a different mechanism from male sexual arousal. Female sexuality is not at all defined by her sexual arousal.

Far too many Straight men do not fully sexually satisfy women, due to a fundamental lack of understanding female sexuality and female sexual arousal. Too many guys are just too clueless or don’t care enough to learn more, even just to get information and feedback from their partner, to increase her pleasure.  There is no training in school for sexuality, so many guys just assume girls respond sexually like they do.  Most are clueless about the need for proper foreplay in female arousal, or even in prior romantic and seductive play in the hours before.

MALE AROUSAL: Male erections are nit just triggered based on Sexual orientation.  Erections can even be triggered by non-sexual things or just spontaneously.  Gay men can be sexually aroused by a naked woman and by seeing Straight sex, and Straight men can be aroused by a naked man and seeing Gay sex.

In a study done by the University of Georgia, they found that a large percentage of Straight men got full erections from watching a Gay Pornography video.  They all filled out extensive questionnaires, which secretly determined their level of homophobia.  80% of Straight identified homophobic men (who only had sex with women) got full erections when watching Gay Porn, while 34% of non-homophobic Straight men got full erections watching Gay Porn. This is a huge percentage of Straight men getting erections from Gay sex, regardless or being homophobic or not.

In Human Sexuality, there are no definitive cut-off points that says you are Gay, your are Straight and you are Bisexual, because every human is on an analog spectrum between two extreme points of100% Straight and 100% Gay.  The distribution is on q classic statistical Bell Curve, which is biased strongly towards Heterosexuality. The reality is that there are relatively few people who are 100% Straight or Gay.  Everyone is a blend of the two.  You usually label yourself based on what is the most DOMINANT in you, and if Straight and Gay seem almost equally dominant, then you are bisexual.  But obviously these LABELS are fuzzy in their boundaries.

If you are very much towards the Straight or Gay, then you know your preferences from a young age, as I did from age 11.  But for many other young people, there is confusion and uncertainty, and some do not figure out their Sexual orientation until in their late 20s or even early  30s.  Some may have to try out some relationships to figure it out.

ASEXUAL: They become sexually aroused on a regular basis, much to their discomfort, and often have to resort to masturbation to receive the discomfort.  Ever had an erection that was actually painful, especially after a long period without masturbation?  However, Asexuals are not specifically sexually aroused by being any particular male or female.  Asexual arousal is from a biological demand of the human body.  However, Asexual people can and often do form ROMANTIC relationships, only without any sex.

STRAIGHT: As you can see in situations and places like the Navy, in prisons, isolated situations, or even in certain college situations, etc, there are fully Straight men who not only get hard for other men, they have sex with other men.  It has nothing to do with sexual attraction, it is a way to get off when women are not otherwise available. [I was in the Navy and Merchant Marine for 17 years.]  In a survey of adult men, it is surprising to see how many Straight-identified men said that they had at least one same-sex experience in their life (I can’t remember the the numbers).

GAY / LESBIAN: Gay men have hidden their sexuality for centuries by marrying women and having sex with them, although it usually is not very often, and then tapers to nothing, leaving her in the lurch.  I am about as gay as you can get on the sexuality scale, but by cock can get hard for certain females and certain sexual situations involving females.  However, this arousal does not arise (so as to speak) sufficiently to desire sexual intercourse with a female, or to feel romantic feelings for a female.

BISEXUAL: There are plenty of people who are sexually attracted to both genders, but only romantically attracted to one gender. In this case, most of those people label them as either Gay or Straight, based on who they are constantly romantically attracted to.

If you are Romantically and sexually attracted about the same amount with both genders, you are bisexual.  If you are 60% Straight and 40% Gay, you are attracted to both genders, and may even sexually experiment, but the reality is that your romantic relationships will likely always be Straight.  If you are more like 65/45% then that is probably close enough to be bisexual, but of course you don’t what your sexuality is, with that kind of precision.  Therefore, it may take some years of experiencing life to figure it out.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There are zones between Straight and Bisexual, and between Gay and Bisexual:

Primarily Straight, Secondarily Gay: This is when you have ‘some’ attracted to members of the same gender, which can vary from very little to enough to experiment sexually.  They might even have sex with someone of the of same gender, but would not form romantic attachments with those of the same gender.

Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight: This is when you have ‘some’ attracted to members of the opposite gender, which can vary from very little to enough to experiment sexually.  They might even have sex with someone of the of opposite gender, but would not form romantic attachments with those of the opposite gender.

TRANSGENDER: During gestation of the fetus, the sexing-out of brain and of the body are normally in sync, but rarely this gets does not happen, and you have the brain sex-out as one gender and the body sex-out as the opposite gender.  This difference between the brain and body can generate a great deal of gender-dysphoria.  Since the structures of the brain cannot be changed at this time, the easiest thing to do is to match the gender of the body to the gender of the brain, via hormones and surgery.  Note that the hormones further changes in the brain towards the chosen gender.

OTHER GENDERS:  Some genders are not by birth, by are based on societal customs and traditions, such as the traditional form of Polynesian Fa’afafines.

Fa’afafine: In some Polynesian societies, fa'afafine are considered to be a "third gender" alongside male and female. They are biologically male, but dress and behave in a manner considered typically female.  Traditionally, in families of all male children (or where the only daughter was too young to assist with the 'women's' work), parents would often choose one or more of their sons to help the mother. This was also done due to scarcity of land and having only the eldest son inheriting land.  Because these boys would perform tasks that were strictly the work of women they were raised as if they were female. Although their true gender was widely known, they would usually be dressed as girls.

These boys, were not necessarily homosexual, or noticeably effeminate, and they may never have felt like dressing as women, but had no choice.  As they grew older, their duties would not change. They would continue performing 'women's' work, even if they eventually married (which would be to a woman).

Modern fa'afafine differ in two fundamental ways from their traditional counterparts. First, they are more likely to have chosen to live as women, and, secondly, they are more likely to be homosexual. These days, young Samoan boys who appear effeminate, or enjoy dressing as girls, may be recognized as fa'afafine by their parents. If they are, they will usually be neither encouraged nor discouraged to dress and behave as women. They will simply be allowed to follow the path they choose.

If it becomes apparent that a boy wants to become a fa'afafine, he will be taught the duties and crafts of women. Coupling those skills with the strengths of Samoan men can make a fa'afafine an extremely valuable member of society.

Fa'afafine are accepted as a natural gender, and neither looked down upon nor discriminated against. The Samoan Prime Minister is patron of the Samoa Fa'afafine Association.

Hijra: In the culture of the Indian subcontinent, a hijra is usually considered to be neither a man nor a woman. Most are biologically male or intersex, but some are biologically female. The hijra form a third gender, although they do not enjoy the same acceptance and respect as males and females in their cultures. They can run their own households, and their occupations are singing and dancing, working as cooks or servants, sometimes prostitutes (for men), or long-term sexual partners for men. Hijras can be compared to transvestites or drag queens of contemporary western culture.

Third Gender: The terms third gender and third sex describe individuals who are categorized (by their will or by social consensus) as neither man nor woman, as well as the social category present in those societies who recognize three or more genders.

Two-Spirit: Indigenous North Americans who fulfill one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women.

Xanith: The xanith form an accepted third gender in Oman, a gender-segregated society. The xanith are male homosexual prostitutes whose dressing is male, featuring pastel colors (rather than white, worn by men), but their mannerisms female. Xanith can mingle with women, and they often do at weddings or other formal events. Xaniths have their own households, performing all tasks (both male and female). However, similarly to men in their society, xaniths can marry women, proving their masculinity by consummating the marriage. Should a divorce or death take place, these men can revert to their status as xaniths at the next wedding.


I know from my sisters and some other women that some women develop romantic attractions later than one might assume, as late as in their 20s.  The most common reason why some people cannot feel romantic attractions, or form romantic relationships, or in some cases are not able to feel sexual attraction for anyone, is psychological in nature. I have treated these things in others, and have observed others like this.  Some are happy being alone or living with friends, and other suffer with it, and they are the ones typically looking for help.

As an example, you can have a fully mature male who is aroused by women in porn and masturbates to this successfully, but he feels NO sexual or romantic attraction to real people that he sees or meets.  He is not Asexual.  His inability to feel sexual or romantic attractions is a psychological block, usually based in subconscious fear, caused by various reasons.

In some cases, the person is simply not ready for the kind of intimacy or commitment that comes with romance.  There are cases where kids witness bad relationships and terrible break-ups (sometimes multiple ones), in their own family and perhaps others they observed as well.  I am one of five kids in my family, and the only two with a long-term romantic relationships are homosexual, and mine started much younger (age 24).  Our parents had a bad relationship, which made our family a really rough one to grow up in.  I have been with my current partner over 25 years.  I broke the chain, possibly due to my autism and my struggle for intimacy.

IN CONCLUSION, if you have no romantic attractions and enjoy living alone or with friends, there is no reason to do anything.  However, if a person is unhappy, craving romantic intimacy and a romantic relationship, he or she can seek help to overcome their block.

I know that there is a LOT of controversy in the discussion of things like Asexuality, romantic and sexual attraction, and the many, many, many LABELS you can give yourself.  I currently have a list of about 40 Sexual Labels that young people identify themselves with, but the list is constantly growing over the years.  Young people are especially interested in unique and special labels, then get angry at people for not knowing what their label even means.

I feel there are far too many labels and could even life without the labels of gay or straight. It would be cool to have a society where everyone can simply indicate what they are looking for or desiring with something they wear, with symbols. Gay men used to do this with handkerchiefs of different colors in a back right or left pocket, but obviously this is not very useful in daily life.

LABELS separate us.  Too often labels are also use to objectify people.  We are NOT a label.  I can say I am a Gay man, but this does not define who I am, it is simply as aspect of who I am.  While you may feel no romantic feelings now, who is to say how you will feel in 5 or ten years?  I have seen people who are bisexual, who label themselves as Straight, then Gay, then bisexual, then Straight or Gay, depending on who they are with.

Therefore, there is a difference between Sexual Orientation and Sexual Identity.

We obviously do not agree with each other, and hopefully that is Ok with you, as it is with me.  On the factual things about human sexuality, I highly recommend being as current as possible, to better represent your views.

gwarnage Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2015
i'm omnisexual
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I guess it is nice to have many options.  I am very sexually and romantically flexible, but limited to men only.
gwarnage Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2015
i don't care who i fuck , just so long as they have nice parts
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
When it comes to sexual orientation, it is not who you have sex with that determines Sexual Orientation but rather who romantically love.  Sexual boundaries get crossed a lot, where Straight men have sex with Gay men (check out the Navy), and Gay men have sex with women, etc.  There are some fortunate people in the world who can romantically love someone of any gender identity or biological configuration.  If you are one such person, then I congratulate you. 
gwarnage Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2015
i only really care about attractiveness
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Such is youth…lol
gwarnage Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2015
BlueWolfieART Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
i'm bisexual tho.... 
Watthews-Matthews Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Straight as hell, thanks for posting this!
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  It sounds like you are supportive of those who are different, which is always nice to see, and appreciated.
Watthews-Matthews Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2015  Student Digital Artist
BlackStorm62 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
This is amazing and enlightening. Thank you very much for posting this.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
You are most welcome.  Unfortunately, DA limits the size of text deviations.  I would have liked to cover Gender, Transgender, Gender Dysphoria and Third Gender more, as well as more about Asexuality.
ComixThreeSevens Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Rather shameless and doesn't seem to be based on facts.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
This is actually very well researched.  Is there anything in specific you think is incorrect, or is this a homophobia thing?

This deviation is limited in size by DA, by how many characters are allowed.  I therefore was limited in what and how much I could talk about.  I therefore geared it for those who would be mostly likely helped the most.  Many young people suffer because they cannot figure out what their sexual identity is, and they face a lot of confusion.  People like me who knew how they were different from a young age, don't typically need help figuring out their sexual identity. The young people most confused about their sexual identity tend to be those who are enough of both Gay and Straight in them to be confusing. This pice is geared towards helping them.  

For those who already know their Gender and Sexual Identity, reading this paper might help them understand other people better.
ComixThreeSevens Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It's funny how all of this suddenly appeared out of nowhere along with all the funny, new age feminists.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I don't understand your meaning.
nobodyofdistinction Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2015
How sensitive and wishywashy you're trying to be in the first parts, reassuring people that just because they want gay sex, that doesn't mean they're gay, and whatnot, and how wrong and callous you are on the asexual part. So let me tell you about me, a little bit. More than I'd normally like to admit to. I am first of all, asexual. Though you would refuse to acknowledge me as such. You would claim that I am "afraid or averse to" sexual intimacy with others. And to that, I say, fuck you, that's not the only explanation or alternative, that's an argument from ignorance to say "you're either this or that and there are no alternatives because my puny imagination can't conceive of one". I have no desire to have actual sex with anyone. Never did. It's certainly not due to fear, though I would certainly say I don't want any venereal diseases and if I was forced at gunpoint to have sex with someone that is what I would be afraid of most. But I don't WANT masturbation either. To me, it's just an addiction. Also, I don't experience physical pleasure. I didn't even understand that there was this feeling that other people experience until I was like 30 called "pleasure" which was a PHYSICAL FEELING and in some way the opposite of pain. Until then, I thought pleasure was just a synonym for happiness, an emotion. So I am rather like the rare person who is unable to experience pain, and there are such people, but I don't experience pleasure. But to me, sexual anything is just an addiction. With withdrawal symptoms that tie me up and make it almost impossible to do anything. It's not what I WANT. It's not what I DESIRE. It's not what I ENJOY. It's a nasty addiction. One I would very much like to be rid of completely. One I have gone more than a year without at a time, at stretches, by the way, like not once between January 17 2011 and late April 2012. And it is exactly like an addiction in every way, it's just an addiction to a chemical cocktail produced by my own brain, that's the only difference between it and heroin, that you don't have any heroin glands inside your body already. For the first month, the withdrawal symptoms increase, they hang around for another month, but after the first 2 months, it rapidly disappears again. If only the guy in that movie "40 days and 40 nights" had lasted just a LITTLE longer. After 2 months, the longer I go without from then, the less I need it. The more FREE I am. My health actually improves. I have more energy. My resting heartrate lowers. And then, one day, generally in spring, there comes a day when for some reason my blood is FLOODED with acetylcholine, to the extent that it is actually putting me into shock. Actual, physical shock, with my heartrate erratic, a massive headache, a similar feeling to a massive sugar overdose or a caffeine overdose. And I know there's only one thing that will save me from this. And then I'm addicted once again. That time in April 2012, my mind didn't want it, but my body sure did, to the extent that that first time after the year and a half gap, I had a multiplicity ten multiple orgasm in a period of 5 minutes, and then later that night, a multiplicity eleven one. And I'm male. Nothing enjoyable about it, mind you, to me, it's just an involuntary contraction of a few sphincter muscles. And then once again I'm enslaved. Often for months or years once again. And I hate it. But don't you dare tell me that I'm not a true asexual person and that I'm merely "afraid or averse" to sexual contact with another human being. Let me tell you what ACTUALLY is happening here, why it's possible for me to be this way. You see, humans were produced by a process called evolution. Perhaps you've heard of it. Their distant ancestors, more than 100 million years ago, were not mammals, they were reptiles. These reptiles had much simpler brains, without much of an ego or conscious agency, they were just a pack of instinct and impulses. The funny thing that happened when they gained the ability to reason as a result of evolving to be able to reason, is it's not so much the case that the brains evolved to become more complicated, but rather than that, another brain was built up AROUND the old one. The old one is still there, much unchanged. Much like the core of the Earth, your brain has a core to it, so to speak, which is the reptile brain. And it's truly a different entity than your conscious mind, though you may think otherwise. In my case, I'm not exactly friends with my reptile brain. It wants something, and I want something completely different and to be completely free of what it wants. Maybe some asexuals are completely free of this thing like I was until I was 15 years old (and I had no desire for it whatsoever, and no instinct on the mechanics of sex or masturbation until that time when I read about it in an encyclopedia, and I have no doubt I would have continued to be free of it if I had not read that out of pure boredom, it was only after I had done it once, just once, that I found I was addicted to it - I would have appreciated a just say no campaign for that in my case, abstinence only education doesn't work for most people but it certainly would have worked for me, if someone had just warned me beforehand of what would happen if I did this thing even just once) and I envy those people, but don't you dare tell me I'm some kind of closeted heterosexual or homosexual because you deny I'm asexual because I don't fit your image of it and that I'm merely "afraid" or "averse" to sex with others. I. DO. NOT. WANT. THIS. THING.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, First of all, I try to respond to everyone who writes me, and do so by treating them with dignity and respect.  You wrote to me in an attacking, insulting and hateful way. Should you choose to write to me again in a hateful, attacking and insulting way, I will not respond and will simply delete your comments and ban you.  Everyone here on DA deserves to be treated with Dignity and Respect, including you and I.  Perhaps internet anonymity has made you grown used not behaving and treating others in a decent way, but kindly do not treat me this way again.

Selective quoting and changing the meaning of what people say is not honest. You kept claiming I said things that I did not say.  You have interpreted what I said in a very distorted way.  I wish you would read my section on Asexuality more careful after reading this comment.

I wrote about Asexuality in three sections:

1) What Asexuality is and is not. For example, if a man decides to become a priest and abstain from sex, he is not asexual.

2) How you can be Asexual and masturbate.  I included this because masturbation is controversial in the Asexual Community, with some claiming you cannot masturbate and be asexual. I refuted this and said: Asexuals feel no desire or need to masturbate, but can enjoy the sensations of doing it, and masturbation can relieve discomfort of your body’s natural sexual reactions. The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis. Nothing here says you must or must not masturbate if you are Asexual.  Please note that my use of the word can above (in italics) means that some asexuals may feel pleasure, but does not say that all do.

3) This section is labeled: THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL. This section describes cases where a person might think that they are asexual, but have another issue that is making them think they are asexual, when they are not. For example, if you have unusually low Testosterone, this could result in you having no desire for sex or masturbation, without you being asexual.

Why in the world would you read what I wrote, and conclude it applied to you?  I talked about how SOME people label themselves as Asexual, when there was actually something else going on, like fear or aversion of intimacy, etc. Where does this suggest that you are this way?

You said, “I am first of all, asexual. Though you would refuse to acknowledge me as such.”  How could I refuse to acknowledge you as an asexual, when I know nothing about you?  

You said, “You would claim that I am "afraid or averse to" sexual intimacy with others.”  I never said that at all. Again, I do not know you.  What I was saying is that IF you abstain from sex because you are afraid or adverse to sexual intimacy with others, then you are probably not asexual.  Do ‘you’ personally abstain from sex because you are afraid or adverse to sexual intimacy with others?  If the answer is NO, and the same with the other conditions I mentioned, then you are probably Asexual (you would know best).  But if you answer YES, then it is possible you are not asexual.  I do not speak in absolutes, because there are too many other factors.  These are GUIDELINES only.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What you know about the human body and modern medicine badly needs some correction:

Human nature naturally pushes people to be self-centered and selfish, to be greedy, jealous, desire power of others, to feel superior to others, etc.  But on the good side, we are also programmed for ‘Human Cooperation.’ As a species, this was key to survival, to forming cooperative groups and tribes, which greatly increased survivability, as well as making us more productive and able to specialize skills.  When you are creative, when you emotionally bond with others (including animals), when you socialize and cooperate with others towards common goals, your brain is genetically programmed to REWARD you, and this is a fundamental survival mechanism for the species.

When sexual nerves in the penis and clitoris are stimulated (including the prostate in males and similar nerve bundle found in women) this also triggers a reward response, designed to do TWO things, to perpetuate the species and to promote long-term bonding.  Did you know that when you engage in sex, your brain produces a hormone called Oxytocin, nicknamed the ‘bonding hormone’ because it promotes long-term bonding (relationships/marriage).  Oxytocin is also found in a mother’s milk, to promote mother-to-child bonding.  The more sex you have with one person, then chemical bonding you have.

The brain rewards you with feeling good, happy, joy, pleasure or a ‘natural high,’ and it does this by increasing the brain’s dopamine level (a neurotransmitter). As the brain’s dopamine level increases, dopamine then attaches to dopamine receptor sites in the brain, which trigger the ‘central nervous system’ and ‘pituitary gland’ to produce Endorphins, which result in what we know of as happiness, joy, a ‘natural high’ and pleasure, depending on how much is produced.

There are 6 different classes of endorphins, and some function to inhibit the transmission of pain signals, while some produce a feeling of euphoria.  Endorphins were originally named as  endogenous (end) and morphine (orphin), meaning a ‘morphine-like substance originating from within the body.’  However, endorphins are not actually opioids like you find in poppies or artificially synthesized in drugs.  They are named as an ‘opioid-like substance’ based only on their resulting euphoria and pain killing properties, not on their chemical structures. Therefore, endorphins are not opioids, but are a ‘opioid-like substance,’ based on their pain stopping and euphoria inducing effects.

There is no addiction going on with natural sexual drive or other natural causes of endorphins releases.  It is genetic programing to ensure the continuation of the species and long-term bonding.  Drinking alcohol and taking opioid drugs do make you an addict.  You can become addicted to sex, and masturbation just like you can become addicted to gambling and alcohol, but these are an illness and not the normal functioning of a healthy brain.  Addiction happens when your needs are out of balance and you become mentally dependent on something, be it a substance, a habit, gambling, or even a hobby gone compulsive.  If you become overly dependent on a person, it is called Codependency.

Your body can become 'Chemically Dependent' on nose spray, laxatives or thousands of other chemicals, including narcotics for chronic pain, without becoming ‘mentally dependent.’  Addiction therefore comes down to a ‘Mental Dependance’ on something or someone.

Most people masturbate based on what their body is asking for, OR to relieve discomfort from the body’s natural sexual responses.  If a person is not getting pleasure from other areas of their life, they may masturbate more to get more pleasure in their lives.  Addiction happens when masturbation is happening so much that it is doing bodily damage, and/or interfering with, damaging or preventing relationships and friendships, interfering with work/profession, interfering with other ways of getting pleasure in life, and you cannot control it.  In other words, you are addicted to masturbation when the level of masturbation is such that it interferes with your life, and you cannot control it.  Another way to say it is that you are addicted to masturbation when you no longer control masturbation, masturbation controls you.

You can substitute any substance, person or process into what I wrote above, to describe any addiction.  You can drink alcohol and even do drugs and not be addicted.  It is when something like alcohol controls you and interferes with your life that you have an addiction. You can have a person on high levels of narcotics, continuously, 24/7, and not be addicted.  The person will be 'Chemically Dependent' and experience withdrawal when tapering off of the narcotics, but have no addictive hook.  How is this possible? The answer is that when pain is present, narcotics attach to pain receptor sites in the brain, instead of increasing dopamine.  Only when you get too much narcotics would you get a hook, like having an injury, getting narcotics, and continuing to take the pills even after the pain goes away, and thus getting addicted to the euphoria.

You said that Masturbation did not feel good to you at all, so it is hard to imagine how you can become addicted to it.  Every addiction has to have a HOOK, something that makes you want to do it again and again.  With masturbation and sexual addictions, this hook is normally the sexual pleasure your sexual nerves trigger in you.   If you do not have a sexual pleasure hook, then try to figure out what the mechanism is that makes you do it again and again.

If you can identify what the hook is, you can have a better chance of controlling it.  If it is only your body trying to make you do what it is programmed genetically to do, then it is not an addiction, it is something you have to learn to live with.

Most men have a testosterone cycle, although this can vary a lot from being barely noticeable to being very noticeable.  A man might have 2 or 3 weeks of more intense sensation and drive, then level out for weeks and have less for some weeks. It is possible you are seeing a rise and fall of testosterone in your body.

I have no idea why you would get acetylcholine fluctuations, as this is not an area I am familiar with, but hopefully you have talked to a neurologist about it, so that you can avoid it in the future, if possible.  I also do not know if there is any relationship between sexual function and acetylcholine.  In a way, all of the neurotransmitters affect each other, so there may be a link.

Sperm does not last long in the testes.  Old sperm can cause birth defects.  The male body is therefore designed to get rid of old sperm to make room for new sperm.  If you do not masturbate or have sex regularly, your body will purge semen, typically during sleep (nocturnal emissions), along with getting erections during sleep.  

The longer you go without masturbation or sex (stimulation of sexual nerves), the sexual nerves become more and more sensitive, which can result in more unwanted spontaneous erections and even orgasm/ejaculation, just from natural movements during the day.  Regular masturbation can reduce the numbers of spontaneous unwanted erections, but if you don’t like doing that then you just have to live with the body’s natural needs, like a girl has to live with her cycle.

I understand that what your body is doing to you is unwanted, undesirable and downright uncomfortable. All I can say is that I am sorry you are suffering with this. I have had a lifetime of dealing with autism and early onset arthritis, and all I can say is that if your problem cannot be fixed, you have to learn how to live with it and work around it, and not let it hold you back or cause you unhappiness in life.  Life definitely is not fair.

I can tell you that when I have had to abstain for very long, I can get erections so intense that they hurt and are very uncomfortable. Perhaps periodic masturbation, like once every two weeks, might help.

I did not know what sex was until I was 19 years old (I was raised in the 1950s to 1970s and was also autistic and isolated) and was a virgin until 23.  Yet, I was masturbating from around age 11 to 12.  It was purely mechanical, without fantasy (porn was a very rare thing for a child to see back then).  As an older teen, I sometimes fantasized about kissing another guy, but I did not even think there were other guys like me out there.

Young teens and even a number of pre-teens are drawn to play with themselves due to a pleasurable nerve response they discover through natural touch.  This is how most youth come to masturbate, unless they are exposed to it sooner, by someone showing them, seeing porn, other kids talking about it at at school, etc.

Kids might abstain or be delayed from masturbation if they are asexual, or there is a powerful fear/shame/guilt associated with masturbation, from parents and church.

Please note that when I talk about ‘typical’ and ‘most people’ I am NOT talking about all people.  All things human exist on a spectrum.

I wrote about this because it is the one topic that causes the greatest controversy in Asexual circles.  Some asexuals claim that if you masturbate, you can’t be asexual.  I was actually explaining how and why you can be asexual and also masturbate.  I do not suggest in any way that asexuals should or should not masturbate.

. . . . . .

The sexual response parts of our brain are very much mammalian in genetic code, just so you know.  The Amygdala is the most primitive part of our brain and more associated with a retail response. This is where ‘Fight or Flight’ response comes from, fear responses, reactive responses and other such things.

. . . . . .

This paper on sexuality is limited in length by DeviantArt, and it is as big as it can be.  There is much more that could be said about Asexuality, but since it affects such a small percentage of the population, I gave more space to sexual identities that will apply to most of the young people reading it.  This paper used to have less about asexuality, but due to interest, I deleted other parts of the paper to make room for more about Asexuality. An entire paper could be written about Asexuality, and if I had the time, I would.

I have also found out that no matter what I write about Asexuality, people will object, some obnoxiously.  I made a change to satisfy one person, then got attacked by another for the change.  The reality is that there is NO consensus amongst Asexual-identified community concerning exact definitions.  I therefore reverted to medical definitions.

Since I do not know you, I could hardly say anything about your sexual identity.

Finally, you are reading my paper with a filter in place, due to you already having chip on your shoulder.  You probably skipped over the places where I was talking about certain things being an exception, and saw it only as this what is being said about ALL asexuals and about you.  Read it again carefully to see what it really says.

If you want to talk about anything in private, you may send me a DA Note, which is private and confidential.  If you do reply or send a Note, kindly be civil and respectful.  In this life, you get back what you give. Spew out hate and disrespect and you are likely to get hate and disrespect back.

I am not your enemy.  I have given the last 26 years of my life to full-time volunteer work, helping others. Not everyone is after you or against you.

I hope I have answered your concerns.



NOTE: Alcohol and some drugs artificially cause dopamine to rise, often dangerously so with overuse, flooding and overwhelming the brain’s dopamine receptors, causing the brain to permanently ‘prune-away’ (kill) some of these dopamine receptors.  Over time, with high usage of alcohol and some drugs, the brain loses more and more dopamine receptors, and this is losing the ability to naturally produce normal levels of endorphins, making the user need more and more alcohol or drugs, just to feel normal.  If they eventually become clean and sober, life can seem very dull, because their own body is no longer able to produce much in the way of endorphins, and they are no longer getting it from drugs or alcohol, and this can result in a higher chance of relapse. Bing drinking and drug taking causes the worse damage to the brain.  Once you start getting a buzz from alcohol, after one or two hard drinks, continual drinking will not make you feel any better.
nobodyofdistinction Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2015
You tell me I wrote to you in a hateful way? Well I say, you did it
first. Expect hateful responses when you put words (or classifications)
in other peoples' mouths, and pen them into your obtuse
categories with lacking consideration to reality.

Let me tell you how you have missed the point. The point is ultimately fairly simple. And everything after this paragraph is just a footnote to it. The point is that there are ultimately only 4 combinations, since there are 2 questions and each one is a yes/no choice, the 2 questions are do you want to have sex with men and do you want to have sex with women. (homo, hetero, bi, a)sexual. And if you tell me that I fail to meet the definition of "a" despite claiming to be because you define it in a completely different way, then you are telling me that I am a closeted member of one of the other 3 sets. That's it. That is what I found offensive. You don't get to sit there and tell me that without me giving you a piece of my mind for it. That's what's called a strawman.

That and how persistently sensitive you were trying to be in all your wording to everyone else but me, but when it came to me, you said nope, you're not what you are, you're a closeted member of the other 3 by default since you fail to meet the criteria of the 4th. I mean, you could, if your definition was reasonable and mine was ridiculous and contradictory, if I said that I wanted to have sex with men or women and dreamed of having sex with men or women and that I frequently had sex with men or women and that I enjoyed it, it would be a silly semantic game if I tried to identify as asexual, it would be like a vegetarian claiming to be a vampire, as ridiculous as those people who call themselves "otherkin" and identify as demons or raindrops, it would be my own delusion to call myself that and it would be a game of calling a rose by another name. But such is not the case with me. In case you didn't figure it out with my prior comment, I'm not a closeted anything, I have no emotional vested interest in lying about it, I am quite open to admitting practically anything that would be considered embarrassing, so long as it is true. And what is true is that I am largely unchanged in certain ways since I was 10, 5, 2 years old, ways that most people change in when they start growing hair in certain places.

If you think that I'm not asexual because I'm not frequently addicted to a cocktail of chemicals produced by my own brain and can't always tolerate the withdrawal symptoms, and you yourself claimed you were "temporarily" asexual because you killed your own sex drive with some external chemical treatment of your own, then you are either saying that's all it takes to change a person's sexual orientation, or you are denying it as valid actual orientation and that asexuality/everything else is fundamentally different between heterosexuality/homosexuality for instance, apples vs oranges. Or do you think gays can stop being gay by taking some chemical to kill their sex drive towards the same gender and induce it for the other, if that's what the definition of orientation is? Now such chemicals could of course be possible, there are possible chemicals that hijack the human mind in many other manners, there could be a real love potion or a potion that makes people afraid of snakes too, but those chemicals certainly are unknown to man, and not for lack of trying, especially when you hear about the "treatments" attempted to "cure" homosexuals. But asexuality/everything else is not about whether libido, as nothing more than a nagging, unpleasant, addictive imperative is there or not, that would be some sort of physiological thing, and it doesn't change the fact that I don't want to have sex with men and I don't want to have sex with women, if you're a straight man, imagine what an ucky notion it is for you have sex with a man, that's how I see it either way. And it doesn't matter if I can't concentrate on anything else until I get some nasty chore over and done with, the best you can do is either change your definition or admit that I'm something that completely falls outside anything you even have a definition for.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Don’t try to excuse your behavior.  We can disagree and be civilized about it.  if you want to be taken seriously by anyone, be civilized, or you will get nowhere with your arguments.

Let us get something straight immediately.  I have NEVER told you that you are Not Asexual.  This is purely a figment of your imagination.  You keep saying it, but it is still a lie every time you say it. I pose possibilities.  Even in a question I proposed to you in my last comment, saying that IF you asked yourself if you were afraid or averse to sexual intimacy with others, and you answered YES, then it is POSSIBLE you are not asexual.  Then I added that I do not speak in absolutes, because there are too many other factors, I offer Guidelines only.

You keep accusing me of saying things that I never said.  When you read what I have written, you have preconceived biases and beliefs (formed before having the evidence for its truth) and you are predisposed to conclude, before even reading what I write that you are being wronged, nobody believes that you are asexual, nobody understands you, you are the victim, asexuals are discriminated against, etc.  Then you twist and distort what you read and interpret it to meet these preconceived biases and beliefs and predisposition.

Your interpretation of what I said about the chemical processes of our brains, with dopamine and endorphins, is bizarre and downright crazy. Your ideas of being addicted to the chemicals in your brain is a fantasy and also crazy.  there is absolutely no basis in fact or science to support what you say.  Then you launch into something about curing gays or not.

NEVER have I ever said or suggested that an Asexual person could be treated or fixed. To say I did is a lie.  People are either BORN Asexual, or develop that way for genetic reasons, OR it is due to permanent injury of the brain or body, NOT anything that would be or could be fixed.

The only instances I talk about TREATING some people who THINK they are Asexual, is when the lack of sex drive is due to ‘psychological issues’ or ‘low Testosterone,’ or cases of temporary low libido due to certain drugs being taken (that have a side effect of suppressing libido), or due to things like stress, etc.

I was born with a certain Libido, as are all people.  This is what the spectrums are about.  We are all BORN with a certain GENDER (including Transgender etc), SEXUAL ORIENTATION, LIBIDO, and MASCULINITY/FEMININITY.  

Note that Environmental Influences might effect many of the things we are born with. A person may ACQUIRE further masculinity or femininity during their lifetimes, or train out some traits.  I was trained to be hyper-masculine, past my natural masculinity level, which I was later able to shed.  Many Gay men acquire ‘Gay Mannerisms’ which are like an accent, and seen by others as a bit effeminate, although it is actually different. This can be very subtle or very exaggerated.

Even if you are born Gay, pressures of society forces many people in the world to marry a person of a gender they are not attracted to, simply to survive.

Libido can be affected by psychological factors and pharmaceuticals, injuries, etc.  Some island societies automatically raise a son as a third gender, regardless of how they were born. Injury to brain or body might also cause Asexuality sometime in a life, and if this is a permanent effect, they have become Asexual.  An INHIBITED SEXUAL MATURITY might be treatable in some cases, but this is typically genetically induced, making it inborn and probably permanent, so a person can be Asexual for this reason.  None of this is rocket science.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Are you refuting that an ASEXUAL person can have romantic attractions to others?  Because if so, you are absolutely WRONG.  Asexual people can be physically and romantically attracted to others based on gender.  The only difference is in having NO DESIRE FOR SEX OR MASTURBATION.

Asexual people can have romantic relationships that are celibate (no sex), and even get married or have long-term committed relationships. Asexual people do have a Sexual Orientation, regardless of if they feel anything or not.

Asexual people may feel attractions to others, from almost nothing to a great deal.  If ‘you personally’ do not feel attraction to others, either romantically or physically, this does not mean that many other Asexual people can’t feel those things, because many do feel physical and/or romantic attractions.  These feeling have NOTHING to do with Asexuality.  Asexuality is the permanent lack of desire for sex or masturbation, either inborn or induced by permanent injury to brain or body.  Note than I am NOT saying anything about if you are asexual or not.

. . . . . . . . . . .

You are completely WRONG about my Questions being about Yes or NO choices.  My Section of Questions is titled: My Questions To Help You Determine Your Sexuality.  These questions are designed to HELP guide young people to figure out their feelings and attractions.  I stressed earlier in the paper how everyone is a blend of sexual spectrums, and can be ‘anywhere’ on those spectrums.  As I said at the beginning of my paper, many young people have little to no doubt about their Sexual Identity.  My paper is designed to help those who are confused and unsure about their Sexual Identity.

For example, a person can be any mix of what we think of as Heterosexual and Homosexual, a near infinite number of possible blends.  The same is true of LIBIDO.  A person can be primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight, and have a very small or no libido, or have a massive libido, or average, or anything in-between.

I had a very young girl ask me if she was Asexual, but she was pre-pubertal and therefore still too young to feel any strong romantic attractions to anyone.  In contrast, Transgender youth can feel the differences by age 4 to 5. There is a lot of angst and suffering by many young people who are confused about their Sexual Identity.  So I even mentioned about giving yourself time to figure out your Sexual Identity.

Sexual Identity is extremely complex, and there is NO easy way to describe it, and NO way to create a check-off list for Sexual Identity. My approach is one of education about sexuality, to help young people figure out their Sexual identity, ON THIER OWN.

You can go through everything I wrote and decide that you are Asexual, based on what I wrote.  You seem insulted by the suggestion that Asexual people might have romantic or even physical attractions to people based on gender.  Just because you do not does not mean that all Asexual people have to be like you.  You personally might not feel any attractions at all, and and some Asexual people are like that, but certainly not all or most.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


The word SPECTRUM is NOT about a ‘Yes’ or ’No’ choice at all.  A Spectrum is a gamut (a complete range between to points), an analog of INFINITE possibilities between two points.


• The Spectrum for Sexual Libido has Asexuality at one end (starting with zero libido), and Hyper Sexuality at the other end of the spectrum (of extreme sexual drive) and every possible amount of libido in-between.

• The Spectrum for Gender has 100% Female at one end, third Genders, Transgender, 100% Male at the other end, and every possible gender-blend in-between.

• The Spectrum for Sexual Orientation has 100% Heterosexuality at one end (fairly rare), 100% Homosexuality at the other end (also fairly rare), Bisexuality in the middle, and every possible blend in-between.

• The Spectrum for Masculinity & Femininity has 100% Masculinity at one end, 100% Femininity at the other end, and every possible blend in-between.

There are numerous cases of Straight males being effeminate to varying degrees, Straight females who are masculine to varying degrees, Gay Males who are very masculine and Lesbians who are very feminine.  Every bless is possible.

All Humans, as far as Human Sexuality goes, including you, exist on 4 Spectrums:

• Gender

• Sexual Orientation

• Libido (sexual Drive)

• Masculinity / Femininity

YOU can be anywhere on all or the spectrums, and almost INFINITE number of possible blends:

1) You identified yourself as Male.

2) I don’t recall you saying if you feel a Sexual Orientation.  Sexual Orientation is actually NOT directly about sexual attraction, although most people seem think of it that way.  It is really more of a romantic attraction, or for some, a gender attraction, to oversimplify it.  Therefore, Asexual people can be anywhere on the sexual orientation spectrum, and either notice it or not notice it.

3) You say you have zero sexual libido, therefore you must be Asexual [assuming your sexual libido is not being suppressed by other factors (medical or psychological)].

4) You have not said where you on the Masculinity/Femininity spectrum.  This is independent of Gender.

A person can be male, straight, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be male, Gay, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be male, Bisexual, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be Transgender F-M, Bisexual, asexual, and masculine.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


People can be born both male and female (Hermaphrodites or Intersex), or Androgynous, or born with Ambiguous Genitalia, or born with No Genitalia at all.


Yet they all have places on the 4 Spectrums of Human Sexuality.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


I see no point in continuing a conversation with someone who deliberately distorts what you say to suit their own agenda.  There is nothing I could ever say to satisfy your victimization of yourself, your rage, the chip on your shoulder, your preconceived biases and beliefs (formed before having the evidence for its truth) and how you are predisposed to conclusions, before even reading what I have written.

There is no way to hold a reality-based conversation with you. So I am ending it here.

I offered to work with you by Note, but that seems very unlikely to happen.  There are those who choose to believe in Fantasy-Science, and there is no way to hold logical conversation with such people, as they are anchored in fantasy, and not reality.

I wish you the best,

Vilshanka Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
There are many holes in this explenation.

I recommend for everyone to take this with a grain of salt.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
What holes do you see?  Human Sexuality is very complex and I can only fit so much in the space allowed for a text Deviation on DA.

When offering a critique on DA, it is customary to offer specific critique, not offer subjective opinions.  This way, if you believe something is incorrect, and offer supporting information, I can check it and then correct the deviation if that is called for.  I have worked hard to provide accurate information.

I am hoping this is not a typical homophobic or radical Christian attack.
Vilshanka Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist

Well, judging by the text above and your replies to other comments, I feel as if you've stated the entire thing based on your own personal logistics and opinions.

You describing homosexuality was spot on (perhaps because you are within the community), but your description oh bisexuality was, to say the least, kind of ridiculous. For starters, I'd like to inform you that the definition of bisexuality was changed from ''being attracted to two genders'' to ''being attracted to two or more genders''. 

Secondly, can you please stop saying that the majority of people on Earth are bi? Considering the bisexual people are discriminated against not only by the public but also within the community, it's generalizing our issues. Also there is a large spectrum of sexuality that doesn't just start with hetero and ends with homo, how about doing further research and explaining each known sexuality. Too much to handle? Then don't even start a journal explaining sexuality. 

Thirdly, stoooooop smashing together sexual and romantic orientation. No one cares about your personal opinion, the LGBT community separates these two for a good reason; some people can be polyromantic as well as asexual, why would you erase a part of a person just because you don't like people using more than one label for themselves. Let people do what they want, some prefer labels for reasons justifiable to them, so how about you introducing to your watchers the agreed terms by the LGBT community (and then expressing your personal opinion, if it's so damn important for you to give one).

Fourthly, oh my goooood, asexuality is a sexual orientation??????????????????? Stop sexualizing it????????????????? Asexual people can still enjoy sex, can still have a libido, can still want to have kids, can still do everything else concerning libido and sexual drive, the only difference is literally ''not sexually attracted to anyone''!!!!

Please stop building entire journals explaining sexuality on your personal opinion, please realize that gay men have it the easiest within the LGBT community, give agreed upon and official definitions, yes many people don't fit into given labels but that's why the community is still expanding and evolving, again stop stating your personal opinions because they are mildly ignorant and not professional enough to be taken seriously by young people still figuring themselves out (seriously, do you even realize how much damage you can do with that??? please I beg of you, give the official definitions and then your personal one, god).
Also what's with the ''women think they have it so bad, well men do to!!!!!!'' way of thinking?

Well, if you bothered to click my profile you would find I'm idemromantic bisexual, and if you don't want to receive negative criticism, don't upload anything ever again.

inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I see that your language is hostile in tone and lacks respect for another human being and shows a lot of arrogance on your part.  Normally this would mean that I do not respond to you, but I like to at least give discussion a chance.  However, if your language is hostile again, you will get no reply and I will hide your comment.  I am very willing to discuss issues with people, but not in a hostile and disrespectful environment, as that does not deserve respect in turn.

Some of your views are held by some in the Sexual Minority Community, but not by any means the greater majority.  Here are the responses to your points.

1) I can accede to changing Bisexuality to “being attracted to two or more genders,” within my current definitions.  Up to now, I believe most people in the Sexual Minority Community applied common sense to the official definition of Bisexuality, when applied to Third Gender and alternative genders situations.  But we do need to stay politically correct, when possible. The dictionary still defines Bisexuality as, “Sexually attracted to both men and women,” which is extremely generalized.

2) What I said was, “Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.”  IF Bisexuality is defined as, “Any attraction to more than one gender,” then the vast majority of human beings fall into the category of Bisexuality.  If you had kept reading, I made the case that this is NOT the definition of Bisexuality that I use.  In REALTY, most people do not notice this attraction second attraction, because it is too low, or they do not recognize it for what it is.  I want into it in more detail in the deviation.

When speaking strictly of just the Sexual Orientation Spectrum, there is in fact no fixed or set boundaries between 100% Heterosexual and 100% Homosexual.  This is because there is currently no way to know or measure what a person’s Sexual Orientation is, because this is a personal journey of self-discover for most.  We place artificial lines on a graph and say that is Heterosexual, that is Bisexual and that is Homosexual, plus the sub-categories.

The purpose of labels like Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Transgender, etc, is to help people label and identify their Orientation in an abbreviated way. If you are 56% Straight and 44% Homosexual, are you Bisexual?  Nobody can say, because it varies from person-to-person.

The bigotry against Bisexuality, both outside and within the Sexual Minority Community, as some common roots.  Within the community, bigotry agains bisexuals is ignorance-based.  Without being educated not he matter, some people say, “Bisexuals are just people two cowardly to call themselves homosexual.”  This is obviously ridiculous, but the solution is better community education.

Another problem is in how very common Bisexuality is used as a transitionary phase in youth.  For some, this is intensional, as a way to ease Coming-Out, while for many others, there is genuine confusion and it might take them years to figure out their Identity.  The end result is that some younger Gays and Lesbians see bisexuality as a wishy-washy temporary state.

3)  When it comes to how people choose to labels themselves, even using esoteric labels few in the world would ever know, it is obviously their prerogative, as it is for all of us.  I believe that my views are compatible with things like ‘polyromantic,’ but you obviously read my deviation with pre-convened bias and a closed mind.

It is true that some people try to separate Sexuality (NOT Sex) and Romantic Love, which leads to a Sexuality/Love Disassociation, which in turn leads to serious intimacy issues (psychological disorder), which is a discussion for another time.  I suspect that you playing with the definition of what romantic love is verses friendship love, which are actually very similar and can be just as intense.

All I can say now is that I think you misunderstand what I was talking about.

4)  No matter how many times you scream it or people post about it, Asexuality is NOT an Orientation and never has been.  Asexual people have Sexual Orientations.  You can be be Straight, Gay, Bi, etc, and be Asexual.  Asexuality only means that you lack the drive and desire to be sexual. If you have a drive to be sexual, then you are not Asexual. Why in the world is it so important to for you to associate Asexuality with being an Orientation.  It is meaningless.  It does not lesses, diminish or demean what Asexuality is.

Of Course Asexual People Can Enjoy Sex.  Asexuality is a lack of LIBIDO, sex drive.  
They do not feel the NEED or DRIVE or DESIRE to be sexual, but if they choose to engage in sex, they can certain enjoy it.  The same is true of masturbation.  It is YOU sexualizing Asexuality, not me.

Yet again, if people choose to call themselves asexual, when they re not, and it makes them happy, I certainly have no problems with it.  They can do what they want, as can you.

5) You asked me, “What's with the ''women think they have it so bad, well men do to!!!!!!'' way of thinking?”  I have no idea what you are talking about.  Why, do you believe women have it worse in your country? I can say that men and women each face challenges of their gender, both biological and sociological, and the hope is that the sociological challenges are starting to slowly decrease over time.  This includes expected roles, expected behaviors, social rules and emotions, based on gender.

As for opinions, I state that something is in my opinion, letting the reader know that it is opinion and fact.

I should also point out that much of what you say is opinion and personal interpretation, not fact.

I have spent 25 years counseling in the Sexual Minority Community, and at age 34, gave my life to helping our community, in caring for the dying, feeding the hungry and giving free counseling.  I have a very high exposure rate to the wide population base of the Sexual Minority Community, including Sexual Minority Youth.

I wrote a number of deviations on my page to help Sexual Minority Youth.  You seem to be certain of your sexual identity, but far more face confusion.  Adding 50 more labels will not help anyone.  

Labels Objectify people, yet humans want to label themselves so that they can feel a sense of identity.  But we do not need these labels at all to know who we are.  Fat too much emphasis is put on the labels.  I am heck of a lot more than just a gay male.  We seems to need at least minimal labels, but I suggest not letting the labels identify who you are.

As I said, if you want any more discussion, kindly be less hostile, insulting and disrespectful. Maybe this is how you are used to treating your fellow human beings, but I choose not to participate in your anonymous hostility.
ClanMalkovian Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Bisexual. I mean really Bisexual and Kinky. 
JimmyAstroid Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2015
Same, I'm Bi.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hey, I'm very happy for you—ENJOY!  I see we both have birthdays in August.  I think I was born of a Friday the 13th, what with all the bad luck…

Kink is very relative, LOL.  One person's kink might be normal and mundane to another, super hot to another, disgusting to another.  KINK basically means: Unconventional sexual concepts or practices.  A girl might think any position other than missionary is kinky, but the vast majority of sexual positions is not really Kinky. Being in a Bisexual three-way sandwich would be more normal than kink. Having a woman use a strap-on to do you would be safely kinky (a fair number of straight couples do this); liking to be dominated by a dominatrix would be kinky, especially in stiletto pumps, or you being the dominatrix in pumps; liking to be tied up, or to tie someone up, spank or be spanked, golden showers, double-penetration, mixing food and sex, etc, are all things safely in the Kink category.  Dressing in female underthings and clothes for sexual pleasure would come under the transvestite heading, not to be confused with liking to go in Drag or doing female impersonation. 

So many ways to have fun…  I am relatively tame, but passionate, versatile and have always been open to experimentation.  I think that having an open mind with all things, including sexuality, puts you in the world of all possibilities. I have been with my husband for 25 years this month.  Does that blow your mind?  It does mine, good grief that is a very long time…

All the best…
johnchadjohn Featured By Owner May 27, 2015
I'm a Pansexual, Gray A, cisgender male who is 15 years old (16 June 7th 2015) and currently my only fantasy is finding someone to love and be loved by, who will cuddle me and hold me as well as let me protect them from harm. I realize that isn't much but It's what I want. That is all that I want from life yet I feel undeserving of the slightest happiness because I suffer from depression, anxiety, and memory issues, etc. The depression is the reason for feeling undeserving but the other things may be a factor.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner May 29, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi John,

Sorry this is late.  I thought for sure I sent you a reply, and I even had a copy of what I sent.  So, if you never got a reply from me, he it is:

 Hi John,

Wow, that’s a lot of labels you have.  Something I can tell you is that your identity is likely to be fluid for more years, as your brain continues to develop and hormone balances resolve.  For some of us, even Gay one, our sexuality and gender identities were fairly clear even as young as age 11, but for many others, their identities are confused, something onto their early to mid twenties.

The reason for this has to de with where you are on the spectrums of Gender, Orientation, Masculinity/Femininity and Libido.  If you are not at the far end of either end of the spectrums, there will be confusion for awhile.

This confusion can cause depression or add to it.  Just realizing that you are not like most others, at a young age, can set you up for depression.

MEMORY:  When you are under high stress (infusing from Anxiety and Depression), your body produces a Stress hormone called Cortisol.  Cortisol is bad for your body, and even worse for your memory. It is your Hippocampus in your brain that controls memory, and cortisol suppresses it, messing up your memory.  Therefore, it is very important that you get help for your depression and anxiety.

The way you describe yourself and what you want in life is about the way I was and what I wanted.  I grew up with depression and had it for over 34 years, until I almost died from a suicide attempt, and finally got some help.  I also did not think I undeserving and even had trouble buying clothing for myself.  

I would look in the mirror and see UGLY, even though others at school, and the girls that stalked me, said I was good looking.  But I saw ugly because I pretty much hated myself.  Once I got over depression, I could look in the mirror and like what I saw and feel good about myself.  I found happiness and I found a guy to share my life with these last 25 years.  Hey, your birthday is close to 25th Anniversary with my partner Greg.

I feel it is very important that you get a good therapist, one who is very pro-active with Cognitive and Behavioral therapy.  Too many therapists just let you talk for 45 minutes each time, and this does not help you get better. A good therapist helps you change the patterns of your thinking from negative to positive, and to change your behaviors form negative to positive.

Therapy is useless if you are not committed to it and committed to get better.  Depression does not want you to get better, it does not want you to get therapy, and you will keep thinking of reasons why not to do it. Please remember that what depression and anxiety does is change the chemical balances in your brain.  This twists and distorts your thinking and behavior in irrational and illogical ways.  Depressed-John is NOT the real John, it is like you are a different person.  Everything you see and hear passes through a depression filter. You might think things like nobody loves you, when that is not actually true.

Antidepressant Drugs are NOT the answer to your depression.  In fact, they flatten your mood, so you don’t feel really bad, but you also never feel very good.  Therapy is the way to permanently overcome depression.

I am also Autistic, which kept me isolating myself, unable to socialize well, so I also had to overcome that.  After trying to kill myself at age 34, I went onto counseling and decided to give it everything I had. In 3 months, I was over the worse of it, and in 6 months I was having a lot of up periods, had made new freinds and was starting to enjoy life more. By 9 months are was a different person and I was having a blast.  I continued with therapy for a few more years, because after 34 years of depression, negative thinking is set pretty hard int he brain, and I did not want to relapse.

I forced myself to do new behaviors, like forcing myself out of the house and out to a gay dance place (ballroom dancing in this case).  I made myself a promise and a quota to introduce myself to at least one stranger a night, then eventually 2.  I actually rehearsed how to do it [Hi, I’m Matthew, how you tonight? (holding out my hand)].  It was a bit terrifying.  Once introduced, then what do I say?  I decided that since I have no idea how to play the usual social games, or follow social rules I don’t get, I’ll just be completely open and honest.  I have to say that people were completely kind and receptive.  It got easier and easier to do.

With my autism, dancing was supposed to be impossible, but I wanted to be able to hold people in my arms and dance, because everyone doing was having so much fun.  Most people took lessons for a month or two, but I was not improving at all.  I just keep pushing myself and practicing at home, and then about 3 moths later, I suddenly started improving rapidly.  I did so well that I decided to start learning how to both lead and follow in the various dances.

It turns out that if you push your brain hard enough and long enough to learn something, your brain has the ability to form new neural pathways, even around autistic damaged areas.  It is called NEUROPLASTICITY.

Anyway, my point to you is that you can accomplish just about anything if you push yourself hard enough to do it and stick with it.

Another thing worth mentioning is that when I was really depressed after my partner (6 years) left me for another guy, while I was still on a ship at sea, I was trying to find someone to date, but no one seemed interested.  After I got over my depression, I was being asked out on dates an average of a few tomes a week, and you don’t want to know how many propositioned me for sex. But I am only ever sexual with someone I have feelings for.

As you are now, I suspect you would be Codependent in a relationship.  This is where you need another person to be happy, to fulfill you.  Ideally, you do NOT NEED anyone, but you DESIRE someone. I needed someone to take care of and someone to fill the emptiness and loneliness.  I had to learn how to love myself and learn how to have a FULL life and be happy on my own, by myself.  This way, I was a ‘Complete Man’ when I met Greg, and we were able to have a healthy relationship.

There is no reason why you cannot become a happy and content young man.  Please talk to your parents about seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Counselor.  If you are already seeing one, are you being given regal homework for changing your thinking patters, or do you just go and talk about your week?  Also is best to try to go 2 to 3 times per week at first, to kick-start things. I would avoid antidepressant drugs.

I wish you the very best and hope you feel better soon.  If you want to talk about anything private, you can send me a Note.

All the best,

johnchadjohn Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2015
Hi Matthew,
Thanks for this. You're really nice and I hope your anniversary is the best you guys have ever had. I will get help for myself eventually, the reason that I am not going to now is my mom doesn't seem to care about or take mental Illnesses seriously. I know that I will get myself help once I can move out and live my life the way I need to. (Just to sway any questions about this my dad killed himself when I was 8) Anyway I'm moving from America to England with my sister once we save up enough for plane tickets and also enough to live there while we look for jobs. Also I'm not out to many people but I've finally accepted myself for who I am after nearly 5 years. While I'm on that topic. The labels that I used are just that, labels I am not even fully sure of all of them because I've been single for so long. In addition to that I know that my body is going through changes and that in a few years I could find out that rather than being pansexual I'm actually gay or straight or something else, I could even find that I'm not a cisgender male but rather transgender female. Most anything can happen, and now I learned how to finally accept myself for all that I am. This is regardless of what anyone else thinks. Anyway thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful response, and once again I hope your anniversary is amazing.
(My name in real life is Chase)
Goodbye. ~ Chase
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Chase,  

Thank you for your kind words and anniversary wishes.  Someday you will also know what it feels like to share you life with someone you love, for a very long time.

You sound very mature and obviously have a good understanding of human sexuality.  What I especially like seeing is how very open you are to letting yourself develop as you will, and be accepting of yourself, no matter what.

Anytime you have any questions or feel a need to talk, please feel free to send me a DeviantArt Note, which is private and confidential.  I am a Volunteer Peer Counselor and have been helping those in the Sexual Minority Community for over 20 years now.  I can also communicate via email if that works better for you.  I thought to offer this since you are unable to get counseling locally.  Just remember that you never need feel alone, because there are always people who do care about you, even complete strangers.  In the Gay Community of old, we used to refer to each other as 'Family,' and it really felt that way.

If this is the last time we talk, I wish you the very best that life and love can offer you,
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow, I never loved anyone or so think I, and I don't have any sexual fantasy really.... According to what you said I wouldn't be able to know my sexual identity..?

I feel I am absolutely no complete hetero, and I woudn't like my first relationship to be a woman. I feel I'm mostly bisexual but I prefer males... pff fucking life...

And the only person I really had a crush on is a model I never knew. I suffered a lot and I still do since he became a biological she.
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
It can take much longer for some people to discover their gender and sexual identity. For some women it can take into their early 20s to figure out. Girl's sexual identity does not typically fully correlate to her sexual arousal , like it does for boys. Romantic attraction is a better indicator in girls, and because this can develop later in both girls and boys, it can take longer for some girls to figure out who they are really sexually and romantically attracted to.  With boys, their sexual identity usually matches their sexual arousal, but sometimes they can't tell until their puberty settles down, if they are not solidly heater or homo.

It was very clear for me because I was attracted to boys before puberty, and when puberty started I was following around cute boys.  I did not find out what sex was until I was 19.  It was another time in history, no sex education, no internet, and I was autistic, very innocent and naive, and isolated.  Yet, I confessed to my Aunt, "I like boys the way I'm supposed to like girls" on my 13th birthday. I fell in love with Anton at age 12, long before I knew anything of sex.  I was completely drawn to boys and had zero attraction to girls, and even though they would be pretty, I would not gaze at them and keep sneaking looks at them, or dream about them or fantasize. I could not have sexual fantasy because I knew nothing sexual, but I could fantasize of holding hands, hugging and kissing. 

I had a woman tell me she did not notice any attractions to boys or girls and had no romantic thought until mostly through college.  She said she was so focused on school and career in science she had to time for thinking about boys or girls that way, but it really sounds like she was simply a late bloomer in the world of romance and attraction. Because once she noticed, it was suddenly a big deal.

I have also had virgin girls and boys tell me they prefer one gender sexually and the other gender romantically, but this shows confusion from not being able sort-out and interpret the various feelings.  With tome and experience it sorts itself out.

So, give yourself more time.  You brain does not even finish developing until about age 25.
Add a Comment:

:iconinspiredcreativity: More from inspiredcreativity

Featured in Collections

LGTBAQ by dark-knight-thor

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
July 17, 2010
File Size
64.0 KB


45,392 (5 today)
809 (who?)