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DETERMINING SEXUAL IDENTITY


For many people, there is no question at all about what their Sexual Orientation and Identity are, starting at a very young age.  But for many others, it can be very confusing and traumatic.  ALL of us are a blend of Straight and Gay. People who are almost completely Straight or Gay usually know how they are different from very young ages. Everyone else will have some someone degree of Confusion and Questioning.  Many young people have a small amount of latent homosexuality, enough to confuse them, but not enough to be a Bisexual. Others can be confused by having a friend they love dearly. Some young people are late bloomers, becoming sexually aware later than most others.  For others, there is also confusion about Gender.  For others, they may not have sexual feelings at all.

Some people may not become aware of their homosexual nature, or may not recognize, realize, or acknowledge their homosexual attractions, until their late teen years to their mid-twenties. Girls tend to be later in recognizing their homosexual nature.  For girls and young women, determining sexual orientation can be much more confusing than for boys.  Sexual development can start later or develop more slowly in some people.  Some people may slowly beacon aware of their homosexual nature, while others will suddenly start having homosexual feelings or fantasies.

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO OR HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE. Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had relationships and sex with a lot of women in the years he was trying to hide his homosexuality, saying that he even enjoyed most of it. But he now says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man." Relationships with women were not fulfilling for him, but relationships with men are fulfilling for him.  Sex regularly crosses Sexual Orientation boundaries, but not Romantic Love.

Sometimes Straight men have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, Lesbians have sex with men, and Straight women have sex with Lesbians.  Given the right circumstances, all kind of things can happen around sex.  For example, some Straight men will get oral sex from a Gay man, or be the penetrator in anal sex with a Gay man, simply for sexual relief between girls, or on a Navy ship, or in a prison. He will feel no attraction to the gay man, he is simply being serviced by the gay man.

For the vast majority of you, what matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  For some people, the initial attraction may be zero, low, or up to intense.  In my case, I was not physically or sexually attracted to my current partner at all. I pursued a friendship with him, liking his personality.  After spending some time together as freinds, I suddenly found myself both physically and sexually attracted to him.  LOVE keeps your partner looking beautiful and hot for a Lifetime.  LOVE keeps sex with your partner great for a lifetime.  Without Love and sex being bound together, sex becomes boring and your lover no longer turns you on.

I did not even know what straight sex was until age 19, and gay sex at age 20 (I was Autistic and very innocent). Nor did I know anything about Sexual Orientation, or what those words meant, like Fuck, Fag and Queer. At age 11, I consciously recognized that I was attracted to boys the way I was supposed to be attracted to girls, because I was following cute boys around at school. At age 12, I fell in love with Anton Wild, although I did not really know it at the time, because I had no reference point for it. But I knew I had a kind of ache and yearning around him, missing him even after just an hour apart, and I got HARD around him a lot. It all felt much more INTENSE than any friendship I had ever had. Out by the pool, Anton almost kissed me once, then my Mother burst out (she kept spying on us through the window). At age 13, I confessed to my Aunt, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls."  She dismissed it as a "Phase boys go through."  My youthful fantasies were not sexual, because I did not know what that was or looked like.  My fantasies were all around hugging and kissing other boys, and doing romantic things with boys.

CLUES TO HELP YOU DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
A big CLUE about out your sexual orientation is notice who you find yourself strongly attracted to in non-sexual situations, like when you are at school, out with freinds, grocery shopping, etc. ROMANTIC FANTASY, is your biggest clue of all about Sexual orientation.  Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself living together, etc.

ATTRACTION:
Within your sexual orientation, we are sexually attracted to other people based on a number of factors.  For example, the pitch and timber of a person's voice can affect attraction.  But one of the biggest factors of all are PHEROMONES, which are hormones exerted in our sweat and smelled by others. Each of us are only attracted to certain Pheromones. When two people have "Good Chemistry," this is what is being talked about.

You can be a Gay boy, but only find certain kinds of boys attractive, and maybe only guys your own age, or older guys, or younger guys.  Maybe you are only into bigger, more muscular and hairy guys, or maybe you like them more svelte and smooth.  You may be attracted to only certain personalities too.  If you are a Lesbian, Straight, or Bisexual, the same things apply.  Who you are attracted to in life often changes as you get older.  My first love set who I was attracted to for a long time.  If you are Straight and have a good relationship to your father and brothers, you may find yourself attracted to their body and personality type, because you associate good things with that.  Or it can go the opposite way if you have a terrible relationship with them.  I got picked on by jocks a lot, and to this day am totally turned off by guys who look or act like jocks.

WHAT NOT TO USE TO DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

HAVING SEX with someone is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a boy and have it be awful. This does not mean you are a Lesbian.  You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a girl, and have it be nice, but it does not make you a Lesbian.  You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a girl, and have it be awful. You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a guy, and have it be nice.

PORNOGRAPHY is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. Girls and young women can be sexually aroused by Straight, Lesbian and Gay Male Pornography, regardless of her Sexual Orientation. Boys and Young men are often sexually aroused by any pornography at all. Straight guys tend to get really hot over seeing Lesbian kissing and sex.  But a Gay guy can get easily excited by Straight porn, and not bother to notice that he is ficus on the guys. A gay guy might have an aversion to seeing Gay Porn, due to internalized homophobia, guilt or shame.

SEXUAL FANTASY can be misleading. Boys can sexually experiment in fantasy, and may fantasize about gay sex, or even fantasize themselves as a girl. Girls and young Women can especially do a lot of sexual experimentation in fantasy, and can even imagine themselves as the man having sex with a woman, as a man having gay sex with another man, as a woman having sex with another woman and even have rape fantasies (experimenting with control, domination, submission, etc.).

SEXUAL AROUSAL: If a boy is wresting around with another boy and gets an erection, this alone does not make him Gay—it is actually natural. Teenagers get sexually aroused very easily, due to 'raging hormones.'  If you are only getting aroused by one gender, this can be a hint about Sexual Identity, but you still need a lot more evidence before drawing conclusions.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ROMANTIC FEELINGS OR FANTASIES?
You may simply need to get older.  Sexual arousal develops first, before romantic desire and attraction.  Also, stress, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues can be shutting you down around romantic matters.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING SEXUALLY AROUSED BY MUCH OF ANYTHING?
Everyone matures sexually at a different rate.  If you feel little or no excitement or arousal by either boys or girls, then:

:bulletblue: Your sexuality may not finished developing yet.
:bulletblue: STRESS, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues could be shutting down your sexuality. Stress at home (like a messed up family or abuse) or in school (like being bullied) can shut down your libido. If you were or are a victim of rape, incest, or other form of sexual abuse, this would shut you down too.
:bulletblue: You could have low Testosterone (both boys and girls) or other medical conditions.  It would be a good idea to see a doctor, just to eliminate medical causes.
:bulletblue: Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants, some other antidepressants and antipsychotics, can shut down sexual desire, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).
:bulletblue: Fear of Intimacy, of AIDS or STDs, Body Shame, or raised to believe that sex is evil/dirty/disgusting can shut down your libido.
:bulletblue: Males reach the peak of their sex drive in their teens, while women reach it in their thirties.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN DETERMINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Probably the biggest problem of all in determining Sexual Orientation for a lot of people, is the conscious or subconscious suppression or denial of their homosexual nature, due to Internalized Homophobia.  Homosexual feelings, fantasies, and dreams can be suppressed, dismissed, ignored, or justified in another way. The emergence of your homosexual nature might be dallied by a few years, for decades (sometimes as late as age 50 to 70).  The desire to be NORMAL can be extremely powerful.  I was so Queer that I had no choice but to face it, but it was not easy and I tried to kill myself at age 13.

When kids are subjected to homophobia from birth, the message can be constant and clear that being homosexual or bisexual is a horrible thing. You face being an outcast, vilified, rejected by family and friends, thrown out of your home, and harassed and bullied at school.  If you are raised in a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family, you might face religious condemnation, being told that you are a sin, evil, disgusting pervert, an abomination in the eyes of God, and that you are going to go to hell for being born Homosexual, Bisexual, or Transgender.  For some kids, the first awakening moment of attraction to the same gender can be so horrifying that they are subconsciously or consciously suppressed, and thus the pattern can get set. If they can feel ANY attraction for the same gender, they may run with it.

Many HOMOPHOBIC men are Bisexual or Gay men with extreme Internalized Homophobia, acting-out against other Sexual Minorities. In a study at the University of Georgia, it was shown that homophobic men, claiming to be straight and claiming to have always engaged in heterosexual sex, got erections looking at Gay pornographic videos 30% more than non-homophobic straight men.  When youth are raised in a homophobic environment, or otherwise become homophobic, and they start to experience homosexual feelings and attractions, some respond to their homosexual feelings with HATE, despising that part of themselves.  They then blame homosexuals for making them have these unwanted feelings, hating other homosexuals, OR sometimes just feeling very uncomfortable around homosexuals and having negative feelings about them.



SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual Orientation is the Biological Sexuality Orientation that you are Born with.
Sexual Orientation is defined by your Gender Identity, what Genders you Sexually and Romantically Desire, and how much you desire each Gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY
Sexual Identity is how a person CHOOSES to identify their own Sexuality, and is not necessarily the same as their biological Sexual Orientation.  A Bisexual man who is both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, may decide that he feels most comfortable living with men, and choose a Gay identity.

A woman I know says that she is sexually attracted to both men and women equally, but only Romantically attracted to women. She chooses to identify her self as a Lesbian.  Rickey Martin was sexual with women for years, but now identifies himself as completely Gay, because his only romantic attachments have been with men.



BIOLOGICAL GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION,  SEXUAL LIBIDO, & MASCULINE/FEMININE SPECTRUMS

A person's Biological Sexual Orientation is NOT defined by discreet values like Heterosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual.  Instead, a person's Biological sexuality will fall anywhere across a continuous spectrum between 100% Heterosexual at one end and 100% Homosexual on the other end. The frequency of human sexuality across this spectrum is distributed over what looks like a bell shaped curve, with relatively few people being 100% Heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and with the greater majority of human being biased towards Heterosexuality.

Gender itself is also variable and distributed across a spectrum.  The amount of Sexual Desire (LIBIDO) we experience is also on a spectrum from no desire to extreme desire.  When it comes to masculinity and femininity, this crosses the boundaries of both Gender and Sexual Orientation. Some Straight men are effeminate. Some Straight women are masculine. Some Gay men are very masculine and some effeminate.  Some Lesbians are very feminine and some masculine.  Almost all Transvestites are Straight men who cross-dress for sexual pleasure, while Drag Queens, Boy Drag and Female Impersonators are almost all homosexuals who cross-dress for non-sexual reasons.

During fetal gestation, when the fetus is sexing-out in the brain first and then the body, with sexual organs, etc, many different things can happen in this process to create this wide diversity of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity.  There are very real differences between the brains of men and women and homosexual men and women and Transgender men and women.



WE ARE ALL MADE UP OF All OF THESE SEXUAL SPECTRUMS:
     :bulletred: —> :bulletpurple: SEXUAL ORIENTATION
     :bulletblue: —> :bulletpink: GENDER
     :bulletblack: —> :bulletorange: SEXUAL DRIVE
     :bulletgreen: —> :bulletyellow: & MASCULINITY/FEMININITY


It is people themselves who typically desire labels for their Gender and Sexual Identity. The problem is that human sexuality does NOT divide itself nicely into set groups.  LGBTQ or GLBTQ do come even close to including all of our community.  I much prefer to refer to us as SEXUAL MINORITIES.  I know there is a craving by some who seek ever more exotic labels to call themselves by, but there is NO label that exactly describes any of us. We are this amazing and wondrous mix of spectrums, all unique in our own ways.  

Human sexuality is a combination of Spectrums for Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive and Masculinity/Femininity:

Sexual Orientation Spectrum:. . . 100% Heterosexual —> to Bisexual to <— 100% Homosexual

Gender Spectrum:. . . . . . . . . . . Male —> Transgender1 —> 3rd Gender <— Female

Sexual Drive Spectrum: . . . . . . . Asexuality2 (0) —>  to Average to  <— Hypersexuality (∞)

Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum: Masculine —>  to <— Feminine: Applies to ALL Straight & Gay Males & Females3
Some Straight men are effeminate and some Straight women are masculine. Gay men & Lesbians run the entire range from hyper-masculine to uber-feminine.

ALL HUMANS fall somewhere within ALL of the above Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Sexual Drive & Masculinity/Femininity.

1 TRANSGENDER is NOT a Sexual Orientation, it is a Gender. Gender Identity is based on the gender of the person's brain, not their body.  After Sexual Reassignment, the gender of the brain can match the gender of the body. A Transgender person can have a:
  • Straight, Gay, or anything in between MALE BRAIN in a FEMALE BODY.
  • Straight, Lesbian, or anything in between FEMALE BRAIN in a MALE BODY.
2 See the section on Asexuality at the end of this paper.
3 For more information on Gay Mannerisms and on being Masculine, Feminine or Effeminate, see the section further below.



THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION SCALE (used by some sexologist): View the chart below as 7 columns:

Exclusively - - - - -Primarily Strait- - - - - Primarily Strait- - - - - - Bisexual- - - - - - - - Primarily Gay- - - - - - - -Primarily Gay- - - - - - Exclusively
Straight - - - - - - Incidentally Gay- - - - -Secondarily Gay- - - - - -Bisexual - - - - - Secondarily Straight- - - -Incidentally Straight- - - - - - - -Gay
-< 1 >- - - - - - - - - -< 2 >- - - - - - - - - - - - -< 3 >- - - - - - - -< 4 >- - - - - - - - - -< 5 >- - - - - - - - - -< 6 >- - - - - - - - - - -< 7 >-

MORE SEXUAL IDENTITY LABELS:
PANSEXUALITY is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Basically this is saying you are a bisexual who does not want to be constrained by other labels, so you give yourself another label.

GENDERQUEER is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman or as being neither man nor woman and therefore falling completely outside the gender binary. There are more labels people use, but there is not enough room here to describe them all.


NOTE: Sexual Identity and Relationships are actually very different things. You can be any of the of the sexual identities, including asexual, and choose to either be in a relationship, or to be single.



BISEXUALITY DEFINED:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

You could also be Bisexual Leaning Straight or Leaning Gay:

     :bulletwhite: Exclusively Straight [100% Straight, 0% Gay]
     :bulletgreen: Primarily Straight, Incidentally Gay [87.5% Straight, 12.5% Gay]
     :bulletyellow: Bisexual Leaning Straight [62.5% Straight, 37.5% Gay]
     :bulletblack: Bisexual [50% Straight, 50% Gay]</b>
     :bulletpurple: Bisexual Leaning Gay [62.5% Gay, 37.5% Straight]
     :bulletred: Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight [75% Gay, 25% Straight]
     :bulletorange: Primarily Gay, Incidentally Straight [87.5% Gay, 12.5% Straight]
     :bulletpink: Exclusively Gay [100% Gay, 0% Straight]

Anyone within 6.25% of any of the above categories, would fall within that category.

If you are on either side of Bisexuality, and not exclusively Straight or Gay, it can get very confusing to you about what your Sexual Orientation is.  You may have SOME Sexual Attraction to both genders, and can received SOME Sexual Pleasure from both genders, BUT, one gender is Just NOT Fulfilling Enough to desire regular Sexual or Romantic contact with that Gender.  When this happens, your Sexual identity and Sexual Orientation may be different.  For example, you may be technically a Primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight woman, but if you only date women and form relationships with women, your sexual identity will likely be Lesbian.

HAVING SEX WITH BOTH MEN & WOMEN DOES NOT MAKE YOU BISEXUAL.
Just because you CAN have sex with both Genders does not make you BISEXUAL.  Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had sex with a lot of women, and said that he even enjoyed most of it, but that only men romantically fulfill him.  He says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man."

If you are a boy and you had sex with a girl, this does not make you Straight, not in-of-itself.  In the Navy, Straight men have sex with Gay men on a regular basis. It is simply a way to release sexual energy, to fulfill a need. It is sex only, with no emotional component. It does not make the Straight men bisexual, simply because they had sex with a Gay man. Sexual Orientation goes far beyond who you have sex with.

:bulletblue: 17% of Heterosexual adult Men & Women admit being attracted to someone of the same gender! Of those respondents who indicated they have been attracted to someone of the same sex, a surprising 36% said they had acted on that attraction in a sexual way.

:bulletblue: A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual…more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight, secretly have sex with other men…"

:bulletblue: A 2006 survey in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70% of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

:bulletblue: As many as 46% of all guys, whether they identify as Straight, Gay, or Bi, have had sex of some nature with another guy to the point of orgasm (includes Mutual Masturbating). Many guys are curious and experiment. Some do it again and some don't.

For Example:

:bulletpink: A Straight man CAN have sex with a Gay man without Sexually DESIRING the Gay man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in the him.
:bulletpink: A Gay man CAN have sex with a woman without Sexually DESIRING the woman, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Straight woman CAN have sex with a Lesbian without Sexually DESIRING the Lesbian, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Lesbian CAN have sex with a man without Sexually DESIRING the man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in him.

How do you have sex with a person, if you do not Sexually Desire the person?

The answer is that the other person can get you sexually aroused, and/or you can make yourself sexually aroused in other ways, such as:

:bulletpink: You and/or the other person can sexually stimulate your body and sexual organs, using things like fingers, tongue, mouth, sex toys, objects, etc.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused using Pornography.
:bulletpink: You can fantasizing about someone else who sexually excites you, or you can fantasize about a person of a different gender.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused just from being in a sexual situation, and/or because you are very HORNY, and maybe you are intoxicated.
:bulletpink: You can be very easily aroused when you are young (Raging Hormones), by just about anything, especially when you want to experiment.
:bulletpink: Anything TABOO or exotic feeling can cause arousal.
:bulletpink: Sometimes your body will even respond sexually when being raped, unless high pain levels prevent it.  This can add to feelings of shame, which are not justified. Your body can react even against your will, when stimulated in certain ways, like when the prostate is being stimulated.
:bulletpink: Fear and suffocation can cause arousal, but using this is just plain idiotic and extremely dangerous.

Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.

Straight men will sometimes use Gay men to service their sexual needs, as a convenience, or out of need, when women are not available for periods of time, like on navy ships, in Prisons, or because of the culture you live in (Some Muslim countries).  On Navy Military ships, after months at sea, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but this does not make them Bisexual. A man having sex with a man does not make him Bisexual or Homosexual.  There are even circumstances when a primarily heterosexual man can be sexually excited by another man, but that does not make him Bisexual.

It should be noted that some people might be biologically Bisexual, but are mentally and emotionally unable to maintain a relationship with one of the genders.  For example, some Bisexual men and women may succumb to the pressures of society to not live a Homosexual lifestyle, and choose to live as Heterosexuals.  Some Bisexual women may have been abused by men so much that they choose to live as Lesbians.

HOMOPHOBIA & BISEXUALS
Unfortunately, boys and men who are borderline Bisexual or Homosexual, are still under great pressure to live as a Heterosexual. They will get married and maybe have kids, but be barely able to function sexually with their wife, so their sex life dries up, and it is the wife who really suffers, believing she is undesirable and unlovable, while he is slipping out having sex with men, but also not at all happy.  I know men who waited 30 to 40 years before divorcing and coming-out as a Gay man. Often the men love their wives, but just can't be sexual with her. When you are young, you can make it happen a lot easier than when you pass age 30 or so.

BISEXUALS WHO SEXUALLY DESIRE BOTH MEN & WOMEN BUT ONLY ROMANTICALLY DESIRE ONE GENDER:
If you sexually desire both men and women, but only romantically desire one Gender, then chances are your Sexual Identity will end up being based on the Gender you Romantically Desire. If you are a bisexual woman, but only romantically desire women, then your sexual identity will probably be Lesbian.  But it might take you time and dating both genders to figure this out.

Fantasy can be a clue, such as having sexual fantasies with both men and women, but having romantically fantasize with only one gender. When we fantasize, sometimes it is purely sexual, and sometimes it is more romantic. Fantasizing about doing fun things together, like swimming, hiking, and dancing, and fantasizing about non-sexual intimacy, like kissing, hugging and holding each other in bed, shows who you who you would probably be happier sharing your life with.



ARE YOU 15 YEARS OLD OR YOUNGER?
If you are around age 15 or younger (this is a very loose number), and reading this paper still leaves you very confused about your Sexual Orientation, you may very well need more time to let your sexuality develop and emerge. Give yourself some more time to see if your Sexual Orientation becomes more clear. Meeting a special person and falling in love can help make it clearer too.

NOTE: Your body and brain (particularly in the Frontal Cortex) continue to develop until around age 25.  For boys, your penis may continue to grow past the age of 18, slowing to a stop at around age 25.



ROMANTIC & SEXUAL FANTASIES REVEAL YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The best way to determine your own Sexual Orientation is to note which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about ROMANTICALLY, EROTICALLY or SEXUALLY.  Looking at Pornography to see what turns you on is not a very good indicator, because seeing nakedness and sex of any kind will turn you if you are not accustomed to it, and you might be turned on by only one aspect of the pornography, like if you are Gay and watching Straight porn, it could be the guys who are especially arousing you. I cover Pornography further below.  Romantic Fantasies are different from Sexual Fantasy, although Romantic Fantasy might turn into Sexual Fantasy.

Romantic Fantasies & Dreams tell us a lot about our Sexual Orientation & Identity, about who you are more likely to share your life with. Romance is linked to Feelings of LOVE, wanting a Romantic Relationship, wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend, or wanting to Share Your Life with someone, like imagining yourself seducing someone, or being seduced, falling in-love with someone, going on romantic dates, doing romantic things together with him or her, like going on a picnic, laying on the ground holding hands and looking up at the stars, seeing the world together, living together, and so on.  Romantic Fantasy can include SENSUAL and EROTIC Foreplay, like cuddling, kissing, rubbing bodies together, tongues on skin, bodies together, exploring each other's bodies, feeling loved and showing your love. Romantic Fantasies and Dreams are Non-Sexual, but can turn into Love-based Sexual Fantasy.

If you are not yet having Romantic Dreams or Fantasies, it is because you are still too young, but if you give it some time, they will start to happen. After Puberty starts, Sexual Dreams and Fantasies happen first, followed later by Romantic Dreams & Fantasy.  The age when Romantic Dreams and Fantasy start can vary a great deal, based on how early or later a bloomer you were.
If you are not remembering your Dreams, it is because you are dreaming before going into Deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, unless you happen to wake up before you go into REM Sleep.  Those who remember Dreams are Dreaming after their REM Sleep.

Sexual Fantasies & Dreams are also a good indicator of Sexual Orientation, but for some people, they can be deceptive and confusing.  Homosexual Sexual Fantasies may be either consciously or subconsciously suppressed by internal and/or external homophobia.  Sometimes, young minds may sexually experiment through fantasy.  For various reasons covered later, you can get sexually excited by pornography that is not in your nature, like a Gay guy getting aroused by Straight Porn, and the memory of this arousal can carry forward into fantasy.

Dreams and Fantasy are a safe way for our minds to Sexually Experiment and Explore, as well as seeking erotic experiences.  There can be a lot of sexual role changing and experimentation in your mind, especially when you are younger. Sexual dreams should not be immediately interpreted as literal expressions of sexual desire.

BOYS & MEN:
Straight Guys Can Have A Gay Sex Dream. If this only happens occasionally, then it is not saying you are Gay or Bisexual.  BUT, if it happens a lot, then you are probably Gay or Bisexual.
Gay Guys Can Have A Straight Sex Dream, but it will be a rare thing.
Guys Can Change Gender In Dreams. This is not as common, but does happen, and again it is your mind exploring and experimenting. Some say it is you getting in touch with your feminine side.

GIRLS & WOMEN: It is relatively common for Girls to dream about being a Guy having sex with a Girl. This is because the male role is often seen as dominant, the one in control, and one of power, and it is your desire to be in that role. These dreams and Fantasies seem more frequent in girls and young women who are Lesbian or Bisexual, but can also happen more frequently in straight girls and women who have issues of feeling dominated and controlled in her life.  Both Straight and Lesbian women dream of sexual encounters with another woman. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, it may not signify homosexual desire, but rather a need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side, or if you are in a relationship with a guy, it may reveal a need for more sensitivity or creativity from your partner, since we associate females with sensitivity and nurturing.  Some Girls even dream of being a Man having Gay sex with another Man.  Look at the kind of Dreams that are most frequent.  The younger you are, the more confusing it may seem.

VIRGINS: When you are a virgin, your mind has no reference point for sexuality, as to what things feel like, what would feel good, what would feel bad, what would be healthy or unhealthy. Even worse is when you use Pornography, because pornography is keyed to specific audiences and everything is done is to maximize angles, shots, and specific things that turn most people on. Even how sex is performed is heavily skewed, as is the size of breasts and penises. So porn can fuel some strange fantasies that later will be corrected naturally. There is no harm done, as long as you realize that the real experience may be different from what you See or Read in pornography.

RAPE FANTASY:
Just under 50% of Boys and Men say they have fantasized about being raped by a woman, and sometimes by a man, and if you are Gay, have fantasized about being raped by a man.
50 to 62% of Girls and Women have Rape Fantasies, more at younger ages and less at older ages (a 2009 study).
But it is very important to make a distinction about what is really being fantasized about. When women fantasize about forced-sex or rape, it is not really rape they are fantasizing about at all, it is about surrendering, submission, power, domination, and more rarely, sexual desire without responsibility, and sexual guilt.  BUT it is ALL PRETEND and you are STILL IN CONTROL. I have been raped, and the real thing had nothing to do with sex. Rape is a hate crime motivated primarily by Gender, Power, Dominance, and Control.  You really have zero control, you are POWERLESS. But in dreams and fantasy, we do have control, so it feels very different and it is a very different thing because of it.



ROMANTIC SEEMING FANTASIES, especially at younger ages, can be confused with feelings of high friendship, because friendship is about love too, and you can deeply love a friend.  It can be easy to imagine yourself sharing your life with your best friend, when everything else is there, except for sexual intimacy, which the mind can skip over.

This can be two boys who are best friends, and one boy wonders if he is Bisexual, because he is so fond of his friend. Confusion can also happen with a boy and a girl as best friends. For example, a boy has a girl for a best friend, someone he loves dearly, and his family is homophobic, so being Gay is the last thing he wants, so he believes he is Straight for many years, until he starts having intense Gay fantasies and dreams at 20 years old. He comes to realize that he really does not sexually desire his friend, and now has a Gay sexual identity and is in a long-term relationship with another man.



FOR BOYS, first ask yourself which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about romantically, erotically or sexually.  Then ask yourself if any of the boys and girls you have know or seen in your lifetime have sexually turned you on by giving you (not counting pornography):
  1. Romantic fantasies and/or dreams with specific girls or boys,
  2. Sexual fantasies about specific girls or boys,
  3. Desire to touch or hold specific boys and girls in a Romantic way,
  4. Desire to have sex with specific boys and girls,
  5. Erections when around boys or girls, or from their casual touch (separate from unrelated spontaneous erections)?
FOR GIRLS, sexual arousal does not usually help you determined Sexual Orientation. Therefore, for girls, use only 1 through 4 in list above.



WHY LOOK AT FANTASIES ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE?
Sometimes fantasies about a specific person may be in conflict with your Sexual Orientation. For example, a boy who is primarily Gay, might sexually fantasize about his best friend, who is a girl, out of his need to see himself as "Normal." If he loves her as a friend on many levels, his subconscious mind can superimpose the sexual fantasy.  This can greatly confuse him. The pressure that our society imposes on us all to be CONFORM and be NORMAL can creates a lot of problems in young people figuring out their sexuality.

It can go the other way too. For example, a boy who is primarily straight, with only some Homosexuality, who is very close in friendship with another boy, might have flashes of desire or fantasy for him in a sexual way. Yet if he were able to act out on it, he would not find it particularly satisfying.



SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION
You might think that sexually experimenting with a guy and/or girl would tell you if you are Straight, Bisexual, or Gay/Lesbian, but it can actually be very misleading. For example, a Gay guy might have his first sexual experience with another guy, and have it be totally dull, a horrible experience, or can't even get an erection (due to anxiety or nervousness).

A good way to avoid this confusion is to wait and have sex only with a person you have strong Romantic feelings for, and sexual desire for.  If you just Hook-Up with someone and have anonymous or indiscriminate sex, it might just confuse you even more, or lead you down the wrong path.



FEMALE SEXUAL AROUSAL:
Sexual Orientation can be much more difficult to figure out for Girls. This is because sexual arousal in a girl does not necessarily match her Sexual Orientation.  Recent research as shown a fundamental difference between male and female sexual arousal.  This is important because for men, sexual orientation is more alined to sexual arousal, but in women, it is different.  In the research, most of the young women were sexually aroused by watching videos of heterosexual sex, gay male sex, and lesbian sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.  No, not all women are bisexual.  What it means is that sexual arousal in females has little to do with sexual orientation.

Female Sexual Orientation is mostly determined by Romantic Feelings and Fantasies, and Sexual Desire.  However, if her Sexual Arousal is markedly greater toward one gender, then that is a valuable clue.



GAY MANNERISMS & WHY WE ARE MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE OR FEMININE:

GAY MANNERISMS:
Gay Mannerisms are different from Masculinity and Femininity and are like an underlying layer to those things. There is a subtle to not so subtle Gay mannerism language throughout the LGBTQ Community.  The more you are around other GLBTQ people, the more likely you will be to acquire this, like you would an accent, no matter how masculine or feminine you are.  Some Gay youth and those new to the Community will sometimes acquire exaggerated Gay Mannerisms on purpose, as a way of expressing their Gay identity, or as a way to fit-in with the others.  This should not be mistaken for Effeminacy.

BORN WITH A PREDISPOSITION TOWARD BEING MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE, OR FEMININE:
We can be born with a predisposition to be Masculine, Effeminate or Feminine, and/or it can be acquired later in life.

People can be born with a disposition towards Masculinity or Femininity, regardless of their Gender and regardless of their Sexual Orientation.  This is due to the same reasons for why we are born GLBT.  It happens due to fetal exposures to hormones while in the mother's womb, and depends on which hormones changed and at exactly what times during the two sexing-out phases of fetal development it happens.  The result can be any mix of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Transgender, Masculinity/Femininity, and all of those to any degree.

This means that a Straight man can be effeminate, by a little or a lot, or masculine to hyper-masculine, by a little to a lot.  A Straight woman can be masculine, by a little or a lot, or be feminine or hyper-feminine by a little of a lot.  The same is true of GLBT people.

ACQUIRED MASCULINITY, EFFEMINACY AND FEMININITY:
Gay Men and Lesbians can acquire Effeminacy, Masculinity or Femininity in a few ways.

You can acquire Effeminacy like I acquired a British accent from the first boy I fell in love with, a foreign exchange student from the UK.  When you hang-out with other effeminate guys, you may acquire their mannerisms even without you realizing it. Lipstick Lesbians and Strait women can have their feminine traits reinforced and even increased by hanging out with hyper-feminine women. This is also true of Lesbians who hang out with masculine Lesbians.  Who you hang-out with a lot or work with a lot can make a difference.

It can work the same way towards masculinity for Gay men.  I was influenced to be more masculine by association for 17 years of living in tight quarters with almost all masculine men, but I was also under threat of my life if my being Gay was discovered, so there was a lot of pressure to be perfectly masculine and even hyper-masculine. I went to an Academy and then out to sea on supertanker ships.  If my shipmates had discovered that I was Gay, they would have killed me by tossing me over the side of the ship to drown.  It was done and it was joked about. For 17 years I had to watch every word I said, how I said it and how I moved my body. I made a mistake once when I sat down and crossed my legs, one knee of the other knee. It was joked about for a week, about how I sat like a girl or a Faggot. When I talked about my family life, my partners, I had to keep changing 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she.'  This resulted in me becoming a bit towards the hyper-masculine, despite living with two effeminate husbands for 10 years, one a Drag Queen.

Finally, and especially for youth and young adults, you can acquire mannerisms of masculinity and femininity from those who are your Role Models, people you really respect or love, or those who mentor you.  I had a mentor and best friend, for many years, and I acquired some of his mannerisms, especially being able to maintain absolute calmness in face of crisis at sea, to lead my men. He was a very masculine man.



MY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY

  1. What do you daydream or fantasize about, sexually, when not Masturbating? You are looking for naturally occurring involuntary ones, not ones you try to purposely create in your mind.

  2. What do you fantasize about when you are Masturbating?  This does not include where you are FORCING YOURSELF to fantasize about a specific gender.

  3. If you watch Pornography, do you watch Straight Porn, Homosexual porn, or both, and if you watch both, which do you enjoy the most?  If you enjoy watching Straight porn, what do you focus on the most in the Straight porn, the male body parts and action, or the female body parts and action?

    Porn is not always a good measure of what is going on, because younger boys especially can get super-turned-on by anything sexual, which can be confusing to them.  But over time, the stuff contrary to their nature will really boring fairly quickly.

  4. Do you remember any of your dreams, and if so, can you remember the sexual ones? If you do remember them, are they Straight or Gay dreams, or both? Remembering dreams depends on if you dream before or after REM sleep.  If it is after, you can usually remember dreams.

  5. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit?  Do you get erections thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or vaginal sex, with a woman, or more?

  6. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or anal sex, with a guy, or more? Note: Some virgin Gay guys may think certain gay sexual acts sound disgusting, until they actually do it, then can't get enough. Therefore, if one or two things do not seem like a turn on to you, it does not mean you are not Gay.

  7. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude?  Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about sex with a woman?

  8. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude? Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about sex with a guy?

  9. If you are sexually aroused by both men and women, is one more intense than the other? If so, is one considerably more intense, or just a little more?

  10. Who would you rather wake-up cuddled up to and spooning with, a man or a woman? If you are trying to force yourself to be Straight, I want you to make an effort to remove your conscious drive to be heterosexual and live happily ever after with a woman. What does you heart say, not your mind?

  11. What kind of ROMANTIC dreams, fantasies and day-dreams do you have? Do they involve men or women or both? If both, which feels more comforting and fulfilling.

  12. Do you feel any guilt, shame or self-hatred around your sexual attractions, cravings, and feelings, and a desire not to have those sexual feelings, and do you feel like you are letting others down by being homosexual or bisexual?  I ask this question because it can show a motive for why you want to be straight, or why you are trying to force yourself to be straight, which can distort some of the answers you already gave above.



STRAIGHT GUYS & ANAL/PROSTATE STIMULATION

Straight Boys may be confused about their sexuality if they have discovered that playing with their anus is fun, including digital penetration, massaging their Prostate, or even using toys.  This is very normal and records of it go back thousands of years in Chinese and Indian texts, where women did this to men as part of normal sex. The Chinese considered the Prostate to be the third male sex organ (1-penis, 2-testicles/scrotum, 3-prostate) This area of the body is an erogenous zone, no matter if you are Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Some straight men even enjoy having their wives use a strap-on toy.



STRAIGHT GUYS GO WILD OVER LESBIAN INTIMACY & SEX.
STRAIGHT GIRLS GO WILD OVER GAY MALE INTIMACY & SEX


This is NORMAL to human sexuality. Obviously not everyone conforms to this, and religious and cultural training can interfere with it.



WHY PORNOGRAPHY CAN MISLEAD YOU

First of all, remember that pornography is designed to please as many customers as possible, so the things you see may not be typical of real sex at all.  For example, in Porn, ejaculation is always outside the body, because that is what people want to see, not because it is normal.  Anal penetrations are rapid in Porn because the models are already cleaned-out, prepped and stretched, otherwise you could really hurt someone. Oral sex may be very lacking in technique, because it is not easily filmed doing it right, etc.  There are also things in porn that are not typical at all, like porn with scenes involving urine, which is actually rather rare in the real world.

I am about as homosexual as you can get, yet when I was a boy, seeing pictures of a naked man or woman could arouse me, because of the TABOO factor—Forbidden fruit can be particularly arousing. As a Gay man, I can find the nude female body to be beautiful, but it does not sexually arouse me at all.  I did not even know what sex was until I was 19 years old, when another cadet smuggled a pornographic film and projector onto the ship. It sexually aroused me because of the Taboo factor, and because I focused on the men and their erections. I had never even seen another man aroused before.  When I went to sea (not military), there was a lot of straight porn in our staterooms.  After months at sea, I could use it for stimulation by focusing on the men, and with stories I could switch the woman to a man, most of the time.

What I am trying to show here is that Pornography alone may not tell you much.  Young people who are  in Denial, or are subconsciously or consciously pushed to be straight because of a homophobic environment, will use being able to be aroused by straight porn as absolute proof of being Straight. I must be straight because straight porn turns me on.

For girls and young women, pornography may not tell help you at all in determining sexual orientation, because most women can be sexually aroused when viewing Straight, Lesbian, or Gay pornography, REGARDLESS of her sexual orientation (based on a series of studies).

After viewing Straight, Lesbian or Gay pornography and finding it sexually arousing, it is possible that memory of that arousal and excitement might carryover to FANTASY and DAY-DREAMS, further confusing you.  What is much more significant is if you have a sexual response to real men or women you have met.

If pornography is confusing you about your sexual orientation, break it down and discover what is turning you on and what is turning you off.  If straight and homosexual porn sexually excites you, but you are unsure of your sexual orientation, ask yourself exactly what part of it is exciting you.  Do you find naked male bodies, without erections, to be sexually stimulating and arousing? Do guys only become stimulating to you when they have erections?  Do you find naked female bodies to be sexually stimulating and arousing?

If it is the act of penetration that is stimulating and arousing to you, and not necessarily WHO is doing it, this can be significant. A straight guy seeing a man penetrating another man anally might find it exciting, but it is not the gay part exciting him, it is penetrating someone anally that is exciting to him, and he can do this in straight sex, assuming she is willing (many women vend it pleasurable). On the other end, Straight men have been getting-off on anal stimulation for thousands of years, as found in ancient texts, although it is typically with fingers, toys, or a woman using a strap-on. For Lesbians, seeing penetration in Straight Porn might turn you on, but it is not the men that are the turn on, but rather the sexual act of penetration that is the turn-on.  If it is the act of penetration, this is something that can be done is Lesbian sex too, using toys, strap-ons, etc.

Finally, what if you think you are gay or lesbian, but after watching some gay porn, part of it turns you off or even seems disgusting?  Particularly if you are a virgin, certain acts might seem like a real turn off, but in the real world it will feel very different when you are crazy about a person and want every part of him. Some things like anal sex might seem dirty and disgusting, but it is typically very clean because the receptive person cleans himself out, and if you are crazy about the guy, who cares?  At the same time, some things might turn you on in a video that you would not want to do for real. Like maybe being spanked or bound and gagged turns you on  to see it, but you would never want to actually do it.  This is normal, because FANTASY is often about things we would not do for real.



WOMEN OFTEN FIND GAY MEN TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND

Some women and girls get frustrated because they fall for guys who turn out to be Gay.  Women and girls can often sense the underlying sexual tension of straight men and boys.  Some thrive in it, but it can get old, especially when women are working in a male dominated workplace, and especially so when women and girls have been sexually harmed by men.  For a woman or girl, being around a Gay man or boy can feel more comfortable and safe, even if they have no idea he is Gay.

Many Gay men and boys have women and girls as their best friends or a very close friends.



WHEN MEN or BOYS ARE RAPED

When Boys or Men are anally raped, especially when done over a period of time, like when kidnapped, in Juvenile Detention, or in Prison, or any time that the pain of forceable penetration is low, they may end up getting erections, orgasming, and ejaculating, which can cause an even deeper shame and a questioning of their sexuality, thinking they must be Gay. Further, most Boys and Men can experience an erection when feeling great fear. Unfortunately, boys and men almost always keep rape a secret and never learn the truth about why their body reacted that way.

When the prostate gland in boys and men is being rhythmically impacted or massaged during anal sex or rape, it is a natural response of the male body to get an erection, experience pleasure, and sometimes even orgasm and ejaculate without ever having touched himself during the sex or rape. If you are being raped, this can really make a guy think he is Gay, but again, it is purely mechanical.

Even worse is when the rapist or others accuse the victim of liking to be raped, further increasing feelings of guilt and shame, and questioning of their sexual orientation.

If you know any boys or men who are victims of rape, be sure to explain this to them. There is no cause for shame or the questioning of their sexuality.



WHEN GIRLS or WOMEN ARE RAPED

Something that can greatly add to the shame and guilt felt by Girls and Women who are raped, is if their body responds with an orgasm.  This is most likely to happen if held over a period time, or any time the pain of forceable rape is low.  It is again a Natural response of the body, and can happen to her even when she is terrified, feeling horrified, and in mental anguish.

Many people falsely assume and ACCUSE women who experience an orgasm in rape that she must enjoy being raped, which is a disgusting and outrageous thing to say, or accuse a woman of.  Even worse is when the Rapist himself is taunting her with the fact.  Even other women can be judgmental about this when a woman is raped, but is again a natural body response. Different women will respond in different ways, and fear and terror can affect people differently.



FORCED CHANGING OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

Sexual Identity can actually be changed against one's nature, but it is debatable about how much so.  For example, a person who is primarily heterosexual, but secondarily homosexual or incidentally homosexual, could be forced into changing sexual identity to homosexual.

In prison, rape is common, BUT relationships are also common, typically stemming from "protector" and "protected" relationships.  It is NOT just a matter of sex.  Most human beings will crave and NEED intimacy to survive. Additionally, there is chemistry involved. The hormone "Oxytocin," is secreted by both sexes during orgasm. Oxytocin, is the key to monogamy and long-term attachment. It has also been dubbed the "cuddling" chemical, which also helps new mothers make milk and bond with their babies. The longer two men or two women are having sex, even just out of necessity, the more they will bond and form a loving relationship.

When Straight men are incarcerated for very long time periods, or for life, they engage in homosexual sex out of necessity.  Many of the smaller less strong men do not do so out of desire, but do so out of the need for protection from rape and violence from the general prison population. But over time, there is also a need for intimacy and bonding for both, helped by the hormone Oxytocin. These relationships can become strong and loving. But on release from prison, they revert back to heterosexual behavior.

Some women are so brutalized by men that they cannot bring themselves to ever be intimate with a man again, and sometimes cannot even bear the touch of a man. But they still have a need for intimacy and bonding. Which is why some women adopt a Lesbian lifestyle, despite being primarily heterosexual.  There needs to be enough homosexuality in her sexual spectrum to allow this to happen.  If you encounter a Man-Hating Lesbian who even discriminates against Gay men, chances are she became a Lesbian by choice, due to abuse at the hands of men.

It is easier for Straight women to become Lesbians or Bisexuals than it is for Straight men to become Gay or Bisexual.  This is because women can be sexually aroused by either gender, regardless of her biological sexual orientation. Male sexual arousal is driven by their biological sexual orientation. Therefore, conditions have to be more extreme for men to change their sexual identity.



ASEXUALITY

ASEXUALITY is when you permanently lack a Sex-Drive (Libido). Asexuality is not a Sexual Orientation. Asexual people have a Sexual Orientation, and can have Romantic Attraction and Desire for a person, but have no Sexual Drive. If you never desire sexual intimacy, and never feel sexual attraction or arousal to anyone or from fantasy, then you are Asexual. You are not Asexual if you abstain from sex due to a fear of intimacy or sex, or aversion to sex, for other intimacy issues, for religious reasons or for psychological reasons.  People who are Celibate-by-Choice or who are Autosexual are not Asexual.   [Autosexual: Those who prefer masturbation over partnered sex.]

You are either born Asexual, or it can happen later in life, from problems in the brain at birth or that develop later, due to injury to the brain, tumor, etc.

THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL:

TESTOSTERONE: Sexual Drive (Libido) is driven and regulated by Testosterone in both males & females. If you have a low or zero sex-drive, Testosterone levels should be checked.  If Testosterone is too low, Testosterone supplements can be used to regain your sex-drive [available in gels, underarms (like a deodorant), patches, etc.].

MEDICATIONS: Some Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants and antipsychotics, some hormonal contraceptives, opioids and beta blockers can suppress Libido, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).

PSYCHOLOGICAL:
Sexual libido can also be completely shut down for psychological reasons—this is not Asexuality. Some of these reasons can be obvious, and others more hidden and subtle.
    FEAR: Fear of Intimacy, fear of sex, fear of being hurt and fear of the emotions and vulnerability of sex can easily shut down Libido. This can be especially true if you have already been emotionally damaged in dating, or witnessed it in others. Most are not even conscious of this process.  You might fear AIDS or STDs. Body Shame can shut you down.
    STRESS, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY in your life can easily shut libido off in some people. This can happen from your home or school environment, from tragedies in your life, stress from growing up LGBTQ, a dysfunctional family, home problems, living with an addict, being bullied, pressure for grades and career, and physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE can also get shut down sexually.
THE ASEXUAL MASTURBATION PARADOX:
The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis.

When you truly have No Libido, you typically have no desire to masturbate—I experienced this when drug treatments shut down my libido—but one may sometimes do it to alleviate discomfort. However, some Asexual-identified people say that the mechanical process of masturbation gives them physical pleasure, without experiencing desire or using fantasy or pornography. Because sexual nerves are only one component of the sexual pleasure equation, nothing but mechanical masturbation yields a lot less perceived sensation, and thus it tends to happen less and less frequently over time.

Some people who only engage in masturbation, tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, and use sexual fantasy or pornography to masturbate, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, but this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.



©Matthew Barry 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014

Updated Section on Sexual Spectrums 01-29-14, & general clean-up of deviation after DA changed its HTML coding.


Where are you on the Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive, and Masculinity/Femininity?


Gender-Sexuality is a wide and continuous spectrum:
A Spectrum from 100% Heterosexual to 100% Homosexual and everything in-between,
A Spectrum from Male to Female to 3rd Gender and Transgender,
A Spectrum from Masculinity to Femininity and Effeminacy,
A Spectrum from No Sex Drive (Asexual) to a Very High Sex Drive (Hypersexuality).
EVERY HUMAN BEING IS A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THE ABOVE SPECTRUMS.

For some of us, the journey to understanding our nature, and then to find self-acceptance of it, can be a confusing and difficult quagmire, often fraught with angst and turmoil, especially when denial and/or internalized homophobia are involved.

When I was 11 years-old, I knew that I was different from other boys and that I liked boys the way I was supposed to like girls. I did not even know what sex was until age 19, but I dreamed of holding another boy in my arms and kissing him. I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12, just to be torn apart when he returned to the UK.

For me, it was the journey to self-acceptance and self-love, at a time when almost everyone felt you were better off dead than Gay, that was full of turmoil, guilt, shame, depression, and self-hatred, before I finally was able to overcome it all and find the freedom to love myself as a Gay man.

To better understand what your Sexual Identity is, it is a good idea to first understand the different aspects of human sexuality.

Almost nothing of value is taught about human sexuality in school. My purpose here was to give you enough information to better understand yourself, while also being very brief.

Feel free to contact me with questions.



GENDER & SEXUAL IDENTITY SYMBOLS (For the Image at Top of Page)

It is important to make a distinction between Symbols for an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S Gender & Sexual Identity, and for a RELATIONSHIP’S Gender & Sexual Identity.

Top Row
    1. Male Homosexuality (Gay) or Gay Relationship 2. Female Homosexuality (Lesbian) or Lesbian Relationship 3. Intersexual or Transgender Person 4. Heterosexual Person 5. Transgender Person
Bottom Row:
    1. Transgendered 2. Heterosexual Relationship 3. Male Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with Two Males & One Female 4. Female Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with One Male & Two Females 5. Intersexual or Hermaphroditic
Not Shown:
    1. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Males: Three Interlocking Mars Symbols 2. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Females: Three Interlocking Venus Symbols 3. Asexuality, Sexless or Genderless: Medium White Circle Base 4. Neuter: This is in fact the shape of the original (medieval) "Venus" symbol (depicting a hand mirror - a circle with a vertical line at the bottom).



You may also find some of my other GLBT writings to be of interest:

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must have made
 CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968
THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality
SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC
SODOM & GOMORRAH DESTROYED BY ASTEROID ON 6-29-3129 BCE
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 
 SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC

The Following are all Hot linked, just click on a title to go there:





Add a Comment:
 
:iconslippymagnus:
Inspired Creativity?
You are a genius, and if not, I'd only feel comfy letting you recieve the title "More Tolerant Than Most". I am impressed with your ability to Cull the Unknown from the Fact.

You have an obvious talent for explaining Human Psychology, physical and otherwise, but this really shines once you view it through anothers eyes. I was never curious about my own gender or anything like that, but i'm sure that people are. You having the Gonads (proverbial or no) to dispell the fog-of-war surrounding these issues is Enlightening and influential.

Go forth and continue updating, editing and expanding upon the ideas listed inside of this "paper".... I'm off to go re-read this monster.

Ciao!
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:iconbluedude67:
Besides one technical error (at the top of where is says "within all of those spectrum, every combination is possible" was a little confusing. I wasn't sure what you meant or what those combinations were. this was very well written. It has helped me with thinking about everything I am and not only focusing on the Sex. I want to thank you for writing this, something so long must have been very hard.

The part where you are talking about sexuality and Sexual identity was a little confusing, the bisexual part might need a little more work. I think some more info, or details with the levels, also could be called labels, would be very helpful. I didn't completely understand your differences between Bisexual and "primarily gay secondary straight. Nor what incidentally straight/gay meant.

You did a fair job with the asexual, however maybe a supportive piece could be added or just add more info on why they are like that and how to "deal with it" or some more info on the way in which they are asexual but still in relationships.

OH! and the part about fantasies being about non-sexual things was a huge eye opener for me.

Overall well done and thank you for posting this.
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:iconhaipa-sonikku:
Haipa-Sonikku Featured By Owner 17 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm gay and have accepted it. I also believe that love is love.
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:iconthethousandthson:
TheThousandthSon Featured By Owner 2 days ago  New member
I'm still trying to figure myself out for the most part. there are some things I am more sure of, namely that my romantic feelings and desires to hold/be held by, cuddle-with and kiss someone within a romantic context are far more towards my own gender, other guys.
I know the Kinsey Scale is not the best way to measure things, originating in the 1940s-50s but I feel it has helped me feel out a good approximation.
Sexually I would say I fit around 3, with some fluctuation to 2 & 4 as well.
emotionally, romantically and Physically I'd say I'm closer to 4 or even 5.
I have had the desire to kiss other guys before, though I have never acted upon it, except for once when I was about 10 or so, (currently I'm 19, almost 20).

another thing is that I have noticed about myself is that breasts do pretty much nothing for me and I have even found myself repulsed by Images of Vaginas, though I have noticed I do find the male member more attractive to me.

I call myself Bi, even come out to a few friends as such (with the
Caveat that its what I consider the most likely orientation, though without utter certainty).

I'm also on the Autism spectrum, either High-Functioning-Autism or Aspergers-Syndrome, which has, as you would imagine, made it harder to explore my sexuality directly.
I've never had either a boyfriend or girlfriend and I'm a virgin.

hell, maybe I am Actually Gay but am too subconsciously afraid to fully accept it and I'm just using Bisexuality as a stepping stone.

for now I guess I'd have to say Bisexual-Homoromantic  would be the best discription of myself at this current juncture in time.
Reply
:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Hello Sir,  Sorry, but this is a very, very long reply, so I hope you do not mind.  If I never don't if I will be able to talk to a person again, I try to give a lot of information all at once.  I hope we can continue the conversation if you feel the need.

Did you know that I am Autistic, as well as being Gay?  I have a couple of deviations on Autism.  I was first diagnosed as being Mentally Retarded (their term back then), back in the 1950s.  Even in 9th grade (High School) they gave us Intelligence Tests and then told my parents and I that I was on the bottom of the Bell curve of intelligence (what they labeled as Mentally Retarded) and should not bother with college. I graduated in the top 15% of my class.  I went to a Merchant Marine Academy and compressed a 4-year Engineering Degree into 3 years, graduating number 1 in my class. I got a job before I even graduated, and advance quickly to the highest rank possible, Chief Engineer, then retired for live at age 34, just working 13.5 years (on my savings and investments).  I told you this to illustrate the huge misunderstandings about Autism.

I also have an autism gift that I did not really discover until I was about age 24, which is an ability to solve complex problems in almost any field. I do not regret being born autistic.  The challenges it gave me made me who I am now, and I happen to like who I am now—I am a better and stronger man for it.  It is up to us to make the most of what we have.  Other people have there own challenges.  But I do want to stress with you that if you let yourself be isolated and do not socialize, it will likely eventually lead to depression and limitations to your career.  I overcame (manage) most of my Autistic challenges, but had to almost die to push me change my life in such a major way.  I could no longer live like I was anymore, so I had to either change in a big way, or die.

One of my challenges was being physically uncoordinated for complex movement, like dancing (Sensory Processing Disorder).  So I took up the challenge and struggled with beginner dance lessons for over 3 months, 6 nights a week, with almost no progress.  Then suddenly I started improving rapidly.  I did so well that I decided to learn how to both Lead and Follow, eventually in some 13 dances (Two step, West Coast Swing, Tango, Rhumba, Waltz, Salsa, samba, mambo bolero, etc.).  This was supposed to be impossible for me.  It is called NEUROPLASTICITY.  It is the brain’s ability to rewire itself when you persistently challenge it.  My brain rewired itself around the faulty areas.  It took 3 months to get the initial improvement  and then I just kept getting better and found learning more dances easier and easier.  It is like what happens if you play video games hours a day for years.  Your brain rewires itself to get better and better at it.  When people have a stroke in the brain, and part of the brain dies, they can heal themselves through intensive therapy, their brains will rewire themselves to regain function in arms, legs and regain speech, etc.

I did this with Socializing as well.  At sea, the guys were like family, I connected through engineering and common things, but socializing shore was far different, a nightmare for me. Wen I finally challenged myself, it took days to force myself to go up to a stranger at the dance place and introduce myself and try to maintain a conversation. I set myself a quota to introduce myself to one stranger per night.  I knew I could not get the subtext, innuendo, secondary meanings, etc, in conversations, nor did I know all the many social rules, so I decided to simply be completely (and probably inappropriately) open and honest.  It turns out that most people find it endearing.  I am better at some of the rules because I keep asking friends to please tell me when I am missing things or doing something wrong, like not noticing when a person is done talking about a subject or who wants to break off our conversation and mingle with others.  I ended up with a very large circle of acquaintances and freinds and became known as a leader of in our local Gay community.  It was an amazing transformation that mostly took place over a one-year process, then improving from there. My philosophy was that some people will like me, and some will not, and to be Ok with that.

When I was depressed, I could not find a guy to date.  Once I got over my depression and started having a blast (fun, joy) dancing, white water rafting, hiking etc, I was getting asked on dates a few times a week, sometimes up to 8 guys a week. But I was married to Greg by then…sigh…such a waste, lol.  People are far more attracted to our personality than your looks.  Good looks may be a good initial hook to get attention, but good personality and positive energy is what attracts the healthiest (mentally) guys and keeps them, both as freinds and/or lovers.

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Asperger Syndrome is no longer an official diagnosis, nor is High Functioning Autism.  The reason for this is that no one completely fits any one of the Autism disorders. All of the various Autism Disorders are very similar and all have overlapping symptoms, and no one actually fits any one of them perfectly.  This is why we now refer to it as Autism Spectrum Disorders. We are all various mixes of the various disorders.

The best analogy to Autism is faulty wiring (the white matter of your brain).  Our computing and cognitive areas (the gray matter of your brain) works just fine, of not better than the average neurotypical person. Symptoms vary so greatly because the symptoms depend on where your faulty wiring is, how widespread the faults are, and how bad the faulty wiring is.  The great news is that you can overcome pretty much all of your Autistic challenges through Neuroplasticity, as I did. I suspect that you and I are similar in symptoms.

If you want to talk in more detail about your Sexual Identity or Autism, you can do so privately by sending me a Note (instructions at the end of this).

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SEXUALITY

First, I want to tell that I have no agenda when helping people understand their sexual identity. I have helped boys, girls, men and women figure out that they were straight or primarily straight, just as I have helped others discover that they are bisexual, various degrees of Gay, and Transgender Gay, Straight or Bi people.  My goal would be to help you to find out where you are on the 4 Sexuality Spectrums, so that you can better experience happiness and contentment in life. I also help with things like low self-worth, low self-confidence, depression, anxiety, Sexual issues, etc.  I am also trained in Sex Education and Safe-Sex Education (based in the real world, not government statement).  I also do couples counseling, all for free of course.  I mostly specialize in Sexual Minority Youth in crisis (suicide, life crisis).

I have some questions for you, further below, for just yourself, or if you want to discuss this more with me, perhaps you can give me your answers in a DA Note (which is private and completely confidential).

I was a virgin until age 23.  I hope you do not see your virginity as a bad thing.  I also hope that when you do have sex, it will be with someone you have at least some emotional connection with.  There is a big advantage to staying a virgin as long as you have.  When you do fall in love, love and sexuality will be tightly bound for you, and you will be able to experience sexual/romantic intimacy at the highest level possible, and you will be less likely to cheat over the years.

Love has an extremely important role in sexuality.  Love is what keeps sex from getting boring with the same person, decade after decade. Love is what keeps your lover looking beautiful and sexy, despite the ravages of time and gravity (which are so cruel).  People who become sexually active and promiscuous at young ages (hooking-up a lot) can suffer from Intimacy disorders in adulthood, where love and sex become separated or loosely bound. This limits their sexual experience.  In the worse cases, people fall in love, but sex with the same person become boring very quickly, even to the point of not being able to get an erection for the one you love, driven to be sexual with a constant stream of different people. It becomes very difficult for these people to sustain any relationships, unless it is a sexually open relationship, and these have a very high failure rate. Hooking-up occasionally will not ruin you, but making it a habit might.

I am a volunteer Peer Counselor with almost 26 years of experience and know a lot about human sexuality, including both gay & straight sex and sexuality, and have helped Straight & Gay men and women, and straight and gay couples with their issues, including sexual dysfunction issues.  I am completely non-judgmental and I have heard everything possible (it seems) around sexuality, so please do not be embarrassed or afraid to ask any question. Therefore, if you have any questions or concerns about your own body, healthy concerns, sex questions, mental healthy issues, feel free to ask (via Note).

There are things that both straight and gay Virgins should know, to avoid causing or receiving pain and discomfort during sex, due to ignorance. Please do NOT learn how to do Gay or Straight sex from Porn, or you will do very badly and possibly cause pain. Crucial steps are usually done off-camera.  Also, Porn does not teach you how to Make-love at all. Anyone can do sex, but Making Love is a big step above sex, something we could go over.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Kinsey Scale is really bad and was replaced by the Klein Scale.  But the Klein Scale is severely flawed because they measure who you socialize with as a major part of your sexuality, which is stupid. I have plenty of both straight and gay freinds, and the Klein Test rates me as bisexual or Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual because I socialize with Straight people, and I assure you I am very GAY, lol. But both of these scales are not very good because they are a one-dimensional look at sexuality.

Every Human beings Sexuality is described as a blend of FOUR sexual Spectrums: 1 Gender, 2 Sexual Orientation, 3 Masculinity/Femininity, and 4 Libido.  You can have a straight man who is effeminate to varying degrees, or a straight woman who is masculine to varying degrees.  You can have gay men who are hyper-masculine to Gay men who are very effeminate. there are multiple gender blends.  There are Asexual people with no Libido (no sex drive), up to people who are Hyper-sexual [nymphomaniac (female), Satyriasis or satyromania (male)].  I happen to have a rather high libido, but this never translated to me to me having large numbers of sexual partners, I've just had a lot of sex with a small number of people. Please note that this is a matter of choice and I am not making judgments about people with different sexual choices. 

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BISEXUALITY

The most misunderstood sexual orientation is Bisexuality.  If a bisexual is defined as someone who is attracted to both genders, it would cover at least two-thirds of the human population.  Plenty of Straight-identified men have some attractions to other guys, although it might not be interpreted by them that way, or it is not a strong enough attraction to act on, or they are too afraid to act on it, or their religious beliefs or cultural homophobia keeps them from acting on it.  The same is true of homosexual men and attractions to women.  Some gay men have had sex with women, and liked it.  I was in the Merchant Marine (Chief engineer on Supertanker ships) and US Navy Res, and I can assure that that lots of Straight men have sex with Gay men, although it is usually one-sides and without any romance or affection. For a millennia sailors have joked about, “Using any port in a storm.”  Translated, this means using any hole for sex, when no women are available.

The bigger question is what fulfills you?  This is still an unknown for you. You cannot judge much from how you watch Porn. Gay boys and men can get-off on straight porn.

I know a woman who is equally sexually attracted to both guys and girls, but after some years of dating both, she realized that only felt fulfilled by women, and she identifies herself as Lesbian.  Rickey Martin, the latin singer, had affairs with some of the most beautiful women in the world, and said he enjoyed them and the sex, BUT, he said he found he was only fulfilled by men.  He now identifies as Gay and say he is not bisexual.

So, what makes a person Bisexual in the real world? You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
    1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
    2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
    3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

SUPPRESSION OF SEXUALITY:

I worked with a young man who was just a bit younger than you.  He thought he was straight and even loved his best friend, who was a girl.  He masturbated to Straight Porn and about his girl-friend.  Then he suddenly started having homo-erotic dreams and fantasies and was being drawn to look at gay porn. He was totally Freaked-Out and contacted me. After much discussion, I suggested that he ask the girl out on a romantic date, which he did, and she said yes.  Eventually they went to have sex, although they were rather drunk at the time. He enjoyed being with her, but despite her best efforts, he could not maintain an erection. Some attempts later, over some 6 months, she asked him if he might be gay. I suggested he try dating a guy, and he did meet someone.  When he became sexual with the guy, he knew he was Gay without any doubt (the angels sang). He has been with the guy for a few years and identifies as Gay. By-the-way, when he thought he was straight and was masturbating to straight porn, it turns out he was really focusing on the men.

His subconscious mind played both a denial and suppression game from a young age. Any feelings or attractions for guys that made it to his conscious mind were simply denied or given an excuse.  But, eventually these barriers break down.

In a study at the University of Georgia, they brought in a lot of college guys who identified as Straight, to do what they thought was a sexual survey and study.  They were given an extensive survey to fill out, and in that survey were many questions secretly designed to find out how homophobic the men were.  Then the men were then shown Straight, Gay and Lesbian sex  pornography videos.  In case you do not know this already, most Straight men are generally very turned-on by female-on-female intimacy and sex, and most Straight women go gaga over male-on-male intimacy and sex (unless suppressed for religious or cultural homophobic reasons).

80% of Straight Identified Homophobic Men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men. Roughly the same percentage of homophobic men had no response to the Lesbian porn.  This points to at least 46% of the Straight-Identified Homophobic Men as being either Gay or Bisexual.

When a boy or girl is raised in a culture of extreme homophobia (often religious based), and they first start to feel attractions to those of the same gender, they can respond by despising and hating those feelings, and then blame homosexual people for making them that ways.  This is fed by the cultural lies fed to kids that homosexuals “Recruit” and turn kids Queer.  Their subconscious minds suppress those homosexual feelings and attractions and the kids actually believe they are Straight.  When a boy like this is attracted to another boy at school, he is bound to attack the other boy out of hatred, blaming the other boy for his own attractions.

In my generation, it was very common for Gay men to marry women, which was a crime against the women, who then felt rejected, ugly and sexually undesirable, after the constant sexual rejection of the husband, making her self-worth drop.  The gay husband can and will sometimes have sex with wife, even producing children.  One man told me about how he would fantasize about having sex with a boy he had been infatuated with in High School, while having sex with his wife.  Then many of these men will sneak off and have sex with men in parks and in restrooms. Most (more than half) of the men having sex in restrooms and parks are actually married to women.  The vast majority of gay-identified men go to gay places to find sexual/romantic partners, but if you are in the closet and afraid of being seen in a gay place…

Suppression and Denial of Homosexual feeling is still very common today.

Even I experienced internalized homophobia (guilt/shame and not wanting to be gay) in my young life, but then I also was growing up in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s (yes, I’m that old, lol).  I was so gay that I could not deny it.  I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12 and I confessed to my Aunt, at age 13, “I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls.”  Soon after that, our priest told us altar boys, “When a boy is attracted to another boy, he is an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna.” I was horrified when I realized that it was me he was talking about. It shattered my faith.

I had zero sexual attraction to girls.  I actually did not know what sex was until I was 19. A cadet smuggled a porn film-reel onto the Ship, along with a small projector.  It was hard to see in the crowd of guys, so I asked my buddy why that man was naked and doing push-ups on top of that woman. Thank God he thought it a grand joke.  I still did not know what gay sex was.  In the Academy, if they found out you were gay, it meant death, and yes, it happened.  There was so much fear that I suppressed all feelings.  In Jr. High and High School, in the showers, I perfected the art of never actually looking at the body of another boy.  Imagine it, being among many naked boys and never actually seeing their bodies?  That is how powerful the brain is.  But by the time I was 21 to 22, I could not suppress it anymore. I waited to graduate and get a job before looking to connect with gay men (it was all underground then and hard to find where to meet gay men).

I had a 67-year-old man come out to me as Gay, not Bi.  He had two ex-wives and two children.  He lived in denial all of that time.  He was crushed with regrets and beating himself up for what he called his cowardice.  Imagine living a lie and denying yourself for 67 years (he passed-away last year).

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THINGS THAT SEEM DISGUSTING WHEN YOU ARE A VIRGIN

I am unwilling to tell you that being repulsed by images of vaginas means you are Gay, because equality is far to complex for that.  We have to look at many factors to see your full story.  It is possible to be a straight virgin and not attracted to breasts, or be disgusted by visual porn of vaginas, although it very unusual.  The vast majority of straight men are sexually excited by at least certain female body types.  Most of these men will be extra turned on by particular things, like a guy might say he is especially into breasts, or women’s legs, or the female butt, or female feet, but it is rare for a straight man to be repulsed by any part of the female anatomy.  This can happen sometimes happen from trauma, like seeing vaginas far too young, or like being molested.

BUT, another possibility with a Virgin is FEAR.  Normally it would be a fear of sex, a fear of intimacy, or Performance anxiety, but fear can manifest in unusual ways. For example, if you are afraid of vaginal sex, then you brain makes you repulsed by the thing you fear.

Another possibility is that it is an indication of your subconscious mind, knowing you are Gay battling your conscious mind’s desire to be straight, or the battle could be going on completely within the subconscious mind.

Another possibility that can sometimes happen with virgins, is that a lack of romantic connection, or ever having been intimate with a girl, makes certain things seem disgusting.  This is usually not seen as repulsion to body parts, but rather feeling disgusted about certain sex acts, like giving a girl/woman oral sex, or a guy oral sex, or anal intercourse, etc.  I have had virgin girls and guys repulsed by the idea of sucking on a penis, because their brain associates it as a place urine comes out.  I have seen girls and guys visually repulsed by foreskins (in geographic areas where circumcision is common, such as the United States).  This is a matter of FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, or they hear rumors that it smells bad or tastes bad, etc.  Once they fall in love with a guy who has a foreskin, it turns out to not be an issue, assuming they are willing to date a guy with a foreskin. I assume that women and men in areas where foreskins are common, might not like seeing circumcised penises.  But again, Love is the great equalizer.

When you actual fall-in-love with a person, your central purpose is focused on pleasing the person you are crazy about. What looked disgusting in porn is suddenly incredibly sexy when you can make her or him moan and grain with pleasure, which is a super-turn on to you.

Let us use Oral Sex as an example. When you give oral sex to a woman or man, there is absolutely no direct sexual pleasure you get, no sexual nerves involved, as you would get do the other sexual things.  If you do it for a long time, your tongue, jaw and mouth get sore.  If you do it to a total stranger, you receive little pleasure.  But when you really like or love the other person, pleasuring them with oral sex can be hugely satisfying, sexy and pleasurable, because of how much pleasure you are giving, especially when you hear it their voices and feel it in the way their body is moving. This is the thing that you cannot see in Porn.  If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend just not into giving you oral sex, it might give you pause about how much they actually like/love you (assuming you are hygienic, lol).

When Making Love (as opposed to Having Sex), you can receive far more pleasure by giving pleasure, than you receive from your sexual nerves and prostate.  By-the-way, straight men have been receiving pleasure from having their prostate manipulated going back to ancient China (visual and text records).

I met a virgin gay boy at dancing who asked me all about sex.  When I told him about rimming, he said that was disgusting and he would NEVER do that (and made yucky faces). So I made a bet with him that when he fell-in-love with a man, he would try it a love it.  I won the bet.

WHO you are sexual with makes all the difference.  I have been working with a guy your age who has been very indiscriminately promiscuous since age 15. It was leaving him so empty feeling that he became depressed. After almost a year of dating and waiting for a guy you fell for, he said that the sex is incredible, compared to what it used be like with strangers. He still faces far more temptation than normal, but he is committed to staying faithful.

I was not even attracted to the man who became my husband of 25 years.  I did not find him physically attractive, nor was there any chemistry. But I liked his personality during the evening of dancing, and then I asked him if he had an interest in seeing if we could be friends. We did friend type things for a couple of months. We had gone canoeing on Lake Crescent, and when we got to his place, I looked at him and suddenly thought, “He looks kinda cute,” and noticed that I was hard. So I knew I had fallen in love. I told him what happened and asked if he would like to date me romantically. It took him 3 days to decide, lol. We abstained from sex so that we could get to know each other better, without the distraction and blindfold of sexual energy.  Five months later we decided to commit to each other.  I agree it was too fast.  We had some really difficult challenges in the beginning.

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QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
    :bulletgreen: When your romantic feelings and desires to hold/be held by, cuddle-with and kiss someone within a romantic context, are far more towards your own gender (other guys), it usually indicates your TRUE Sexual Identity. This is showing you who you feel the most comfortable with and more fulfilled by in daily life, to share your life with.  If you have sexual desires for both genders, but romantic desires for only one gender, it is the Romantic desires that show your true nature. If you have romantic and sexual desires for both genders, then you are Bisexual.  However, seldom in life is something set in stone, so other factors should still be looked at, but this is strong evidence toward a stronger homosexual nature than your Kinsey Scale numbers show.   Sometimes you do not get gay sexual fantasy or romantic fantasy, because you have no role model for how that would look, to fantasize about it, OR it could all be suppressed.

    :bulletyellow: Fantasies and Dreams are often a good indicator of sexuality.  You may not remember your dreams if they occur before your REM sleep, but if you do, what kind of ROMANTIC or erotic dreams/fantasies do you have, and what kind of involuntary fantasies do you have?  If it is both women and men, what percentage is each (approx.). Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself ding romantic things together, living together, etc.  Romantic fantasy/dreams can lead directly into Sexual fantasy dreams.

    Romance is Sexual Orientation blind.  If you can imagine dancing with a girl, you can imagine dancing with a guy, or sharing a romantic dinner, or fantasizing about cuddling together on a couch and watching a movie, or just about anything else together.  I have lived with the same man for almost 25 years.  Our relationship is probably very similar to many romantic straight couples who are not slaved to gender roles in relationships.

    It must also be noted that teenage brains will occasionally sexually experiment, although you are a bit old for that now.  For example, a Straight boy can fantasize/dream about having sex or being intimate with a guy, but the vast majority of his dreams and fantasies are Straight.  Girls especially sexually experiment in dreams/fantasy.  Girls have even been known to fantasize about being a boy having sex with a boy, and a boy having sex with a girl.  It is just experimentation, but could be confusing to kids who get them.

    Finally, there are big misconceptions about gay couples. for example, there is NOT usually a so-called ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’ fixed roles (most are versatile but may prefer one over the other), NOR are there typically gender roles (one man taking a female role and one taking the male role).  It is usually just two men who love each other and share their lives together, sharing chores and responsibilities depending on their own desires and talents. Greg and I financially share expenses and big purchases, but we actually keep separate financial accounts and investments (and we have never argues about money), although he will inherit most of what I have. In fact we have never shouted at each other, ever.  We NEGOTIATE, we do not fight.  If you  need more role-model material for gay romance, just ask.

    :bulletpurple: When you masturbate using fantasy, visual pornography or text pornography, who are you focused on the most, the guys or the girls, straight or gay?  Porn is a bad indicator, because when you are a virgin, you have no direct experience to link with what you see.  In other words, when you a man penetrating a woman and having intercourse with her, you have never experienced how that feels.  therefore, your brain is mostly responding to direct visual stimulus without real world association.

    :bulletred: You said that sexually you fit on the Kinsey scale around a 3, with some fluctuation to 2 & 4 as well.  Frankly that does no make mush sense as you stated it.  Since you have never been sexual before, it is harder to actually gauge Sexual Identity.  In boys and men, sSexual Identity used to be gauged on erections alone (Kinsey Scale).  But at your age, and being a virgin, erections can be triggered just by having sexual thoughts or seeing or imagining anything nude or sexual, like looking at a girl and wondering what sex with her might be like, then getting an erection. It was not actually the girl who triggered it.  Straight boys can get an erection from touching other boys, or wrestling around, and sometimes just hanging out together.

    Next, I am about as Gay as you can get, but I find some naked female bodies to be beautiful.  However, I feel no sexual desire for the women I find beautiful.  I have even been hot tubbing, swimming and socializing withe women, while we were all naked together, and I had no desire.  At the same time, A Straight man can find the bodies of some men to be handsome, but not feel any sexual desire for him.

    Watching straight porn, as a virgin, can get you erect if you are gay.  Seeing Penthouse magazine with naked women might give you an erection, because nudity and anything sexual, for a virgin, has what we call the Taboo-effect. A Gay boy or man could easily masturbate to a Penthouse girly magazine, or reading straight sex stories.  I could do it at 59.  It is so different from what I am used to, it would probably get me off.

    Therefore, exactly what are you using to determine that you are a 2, 3 or 4?

    :bulletpink: When you are out and about in the world, do you see guys and/or girls who give you erections so hard that it hurts, or otherwise pronounced erections with a real sexual desire? Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys or girls, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  You already said you do not get turned on by female body parts.

    :bulletblack: You mentioned that female breasts are not a turn-on for you and that you are repulse by vaginas.  Do penises turn you on, or certain shapes of male butts—does the male body turn you on?  Do you ever fantasize about moving your hands around on a female or male body, touching, feeling, stroking?

    :bulletgreen: A Bisexual Identity is very often a transitional identity that helps young people work towards accepting their Homosexual nature, however much there may be. It is obvious that you do have some homosexuality in you. Are you at a place now where you feel that you can accept and embrace your homosexual nature, however much it might turn out to be?  If not, where are you now (i.e. could you accept it if you were 25% Gay, 50% gay, 75% gay…)?

    :bulletyellow: Would you be willing to try to cuddle with a guy, to be physically imitate with him without being sexually intimate, to see how that goes?  You would be surprised by how many gay or bi guys there are, who do not want to be sexual unless it is with love, but mis intimacy in their lives and would love what we call a “Cuddle Buddy.”  This might help you figure things out.

    I would bet that you are starved for INTIMACY, simple touch and closeness. When you have had so little intimacy in your life, just being able to take a person’s hand and feel every inch of it, study it closely, press it against your face, smell it, taste it, can feel incredibly intimate. I learned to dance because I was alone then and craved intimacy, but did not want to do indiscriminate gay sex. All I had to do is ask, “Would you like to dance?” and I had a man or woman in my arms, or was being held in his or her arms.  We all NEED intimacy.  Even straight men in prison crave it, and if in for a very long time, will form intimate relationships that are not based in rape or exploitive in nature. Therefore, it would be nice if you get get more intimacy in your life.

    :bulletpurple: Do you feel any guilt or shame around your homosexual nature (however much it may be)?  Do you feel any guilt or shame when you find yourself having romantic thoughts about guys, or when you get turned on by a guy? If you have ever watched Gay Porn, has it made you feel guilt and shame (which might keep you from doing it very often)?

    :bulletred: Are you afraid to be gay, afraid of fitting in, afraid of rejection, afraid of possible career problems, afraid of discrimination?  Much of such fear is due to ignorance of what it is actually like to be gay. I am 59 years old and have faced few problems in my life because of it. I came out to my family and freinds.  The only bad one was my mother, who totally freaked out, called me a disgusting pervert, etc. But I kept at her, refused to play her game of me pretending I was not gay around her, or not talking about it around her. I told her that she had to choose to either accept me for the man I am, or not have me in her life.  It took about a year before she was fully supportive.  My father was surprisingly accepting.

    The worse thing that happened was when i was 34 (1989) I retired for life.  As I left my last ship, I mailed off some 53 letters to my closest freinds and shipmates at sea, coming out to them.  I got 2 death threats, others saying I should be dead and burning in hell and other such hate mail.  But I also got a lot of support.  Word spreads like a wildfire at sea, so I got mail from guys I don’t even remember sailing with writing to give me support.   I am told that it is different at sea now and much mrs accepting of gay people.  What hurt so much then was that I saw some of those men as very close freinds, who then rejected me.

    It is true that I live in an accepting area of the USA, Seattle, WA, and before that, California. Most gay americans are not discriminated against, although it is sadly true that some more effeminate gay men have troubles in certain careers.  But this is rapidly changing.  I was told that your country is pretty accepting, at least in the urban areas. I have been to New Zealand, but never made it to Australia.

    :bulletorange: Are you afraid of gay sex or straight sex?

    :bulletpink: Are you afraid other men and women might think less of you or reject you because you are a virgin?  Do you feel bad about being a virgin?  This is important.  I want you to know that the vast majority of men and women, feel that virginity is special and that being with a virgin is a special gift.  Only Players (seeking as much sex as possible) might see it otherwise.  Yes, virgins are going to be awkward and inexperienced, but that is completely Ok, because it is the innocence and naivety of virgins that is an aphrodisiac to most people, it is a huge turn-on.  Some people may try to exploit it, while others will see it as an honor and responsibility.  There is absolutely nothing bad about being a virgin, unless you remain a virgin for mental healthy reasons, like depression, anxiety, fear…

    The thing that virgins tend to be the most anxious about is disappointing their partner and Performance anxiety, and for boys, fear of erection problems.  The vast majority of the time, if you are being sexual with someone you like or love, and your partner Makes Love to you, with lots of foreplay, intimacy and loving attention, the fear goes away, there are no erection problems and everything proceeds in a very organic way.

      If you are with someone you like or love, and he or she likes and loves you, you cannot go wrong.  Even if you cannot get an erection out of terror, it is Ok.  Even if you cannot reach orgasm, it cannot fail. The entire point of Making love, is that sex is an expression of your love for someone.  If one of you is not feeling well or is too STRESSED (biggest cause of sexual problems), and if all you get to do is rub bodies, hold, cuddle, kiss, stroke, tease and be romantic, it is a success.

    LOVE & INTIMACY is all about sharing and connection. We can share and connect on many different levels: emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually, the heart, time and space, physically, sensually, sexually… You do NOT have to engage in vaginal, anal or even oral sex to Make Love. Just being together physically and sensually, being very intimate, skin contact, touching, looking, expression how beautiful he or she is to you, experiencing the moment…

    It is hugely important TO LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS IN SEX, because that only leads to disappointments.  Making Love is all about showing your love through physical, sensual, and sexual intimacy, but it also included emotional intimacy.   HAVING SEX is when you focus is on your own pleasure.  MAKING LOVE is when your focus is on giving your partner pleasure, which in turn gives you a more intense pleasure.

    :bulletblack: If you are religious or Spiritual, do you have a conflict between your faith and your homosexual nature?

BEING AUTISTIC & ROMANTIC LOVE

Your autism may manifest differently form mine, but I was very innocent and naive.  I still tend to get taken advantage of at times.  The first 3 men in my life used me, but then I guess it could be said that I let them use me (I had low self-worth).  I dated a guy for a year, thinking it was serious, then found out he was already in a relationship and I was his boy-toy on the side.  My first actual boyfriend/husband needed to be taken care of.  My second husband confessed to targeting me for my money, but then said he did fall in love with me when we dated. My goodness, he spent money as an addiction, along with his alcohol and drug addictions.  But obviously I had a role to play too.  It is really hard when you have to keep leaving every two months or so, and have no way to communicate (sometimes a phone cal be done once a month, sometimes not.

If you might be vulnerable to either women or men, we can talk about what to look for, how to know who you can trust, and how to form relationships where you are equal partners.  Love does NOT fix anything.  You can be madly on love with each other, and not be able to live together.  Relationships are more about negotiation, compromise, finding common ways to connect, respecting each other, value each other equally, no matter how much money each makes, or how important the jobs, or how smart the other seems, etc.  

Autistic people have the potential to be the best lovers you can find, or the worse, without much middle ground.  Are you overly trusting, or don’t trust at all? Do you give of yourself, or have tall walls of protection? Do you share about yourself easily with a friend or lover, or is it like pulling teeth out?  Are you willing to communicate on a regular basis, being open and honest, or would you rather say very little and not share what is going on?  If you are unable to communicate or connect or share, this can be turned around. How important is a relationship to you?  For some it is everything, and for some it is not even something desired.

ENGAGE SOCIALLY:

Usually potential lovers, men or women, don’t just fall in your lap as you hide in your room.  Your odds of finding Friends or a Lover go up exponentially the more you socially engage in the world.  Obviously it is very easy to Hook-up with men and women who want sex, but if you want more, it means going to activities and places where you can meet and socialize with people.  If you are looking for men, and you are in college, your college probably has a gay club, or there will be one in the town.  You can also meet Gay men in gay dance clubs and bars.  You can also use Grindr and other such apps to seek dating or friendship with guys who live near you (it is not just for sex), online dating, etc. Social networking is important. It also takes time and energy to accept invitations to dinners or home parties.  Serendipity is a wondrous thing, but the more opportunity you give it, the more likely you will meet someone special in a serendipitous way.

If you have some courage and an open heart, you can meet people just about anywhere, at school, in the grocery store, walking in the park, at work, etc.  A quick hint for spotting guys is to remember that the eyes can tell you a lot.  If you are walking along and see someone who looks hot, as you walk by, lock eye contact and linger just a bit too long, then keep walking and look back in 3 seconds, to see if he is looking back at you.  if so, stop and go talk to him. You can meet both potential freinds or partners this way. Even if you are in a Gay place, making eye-contact and holding it, then seeing if he is likes interested, is a way to know who is into you.

WHAT TO LOOK OR IN MR. OR MS. RIGHT:

There are many, many potential loves of your life.  The idea that there is only one special person for you is idiotic. There are millions of potential loves that could last a lifetime or at least many years.  I see men and women make up long check-off lists of what their potential mate must be like, their careers, level of education, looks, how wealthy they have to be, how they dress, and on and on, which is also a looser strategy.  Your requirements for a mate will constantly be changing, as you change. We are all constantly changing. Every five years I can the differences in myself.  In one year i became a very different person.  People kept saying, “I can’t believe you are they same person.”

My husband and I are very different people, almost opposites, with very different cultural backgrounds.  It is a challenge to find anything in common. But we also opened entire new worlds to each other.  We grew a lot from being with each other.  We also work well as a team because we have very different skill-sets and we cooperate towards common goals. Together, as a team, we are far more than each of us separately added together.

You cannot possible know who Mr. or Ms. Right will be like.  Therefore, we focus on really matters, such as (he can be replaced with she):
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who wants to do things for me to make me happy, a guy who will cherish me?
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who is open and honest about himself, who does not keep secrets from me, who talks about himself in a balanced way, who can freely share about his past, present and future?
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who is interested in who I am and listens intently to me?
    :bulletblue: Is he passionate with me and about me, in and out of bed?
    :bulletblue: Is he trustworthy and does he trust me?
    :bulletblue: Is he someone who can negotiate, compromise and discuss issues fairly, and not fight or compete?
    :bulletblue: Does he respect and honor me?
    :bulletblue: Does he accept and love me unconditionally, for who I am, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly, without trying to change who I am?
    :bulletblue: Does he see us as equal partners is all ways, (never measured by money, age, fame, status, body size, strength, intelligence, looks, public position, etc.).
    :bulletblue: Does he inspire me to be more and do better, does he support my dreams?
    :bulletblue: Do we have relatively equal sex drives and a willingness to sexually experiment and keep sex fluid and dynamic?
    :bulletblue: Do we share some common goals and interests?
    :bulletblue: Is he ready and capable of making a long-term commitment to me?
    :bulletblue: Is he willing, ready and able to fully participate in the relationship with me, to maintain it as both of our lives change and become hectic?
    :bulletblue: Does he have sexual limitations, like saying he will only top or bottom (cutting-out an entire aspect of my sexuality)?
    :bulletblue: Does he have any serious addictions, mental issues that he is not working on, or codependency?
    :bulletblue: Is he able and willing to respect my thoughts, beliefs, and spirituality?
    :bulletblue: Is he already in a relationship—double check this one?
    :bulletblue: Were he to ask these questions of me, can I equally fulfill them?
SAFE SEX:

Please consider talking to me about SAFE-SEX, either straight or gay. It is not just a matter of condoms for anal sex. Some things defy condoms, such as the various Herpes strains.  We can also talk about testing cycles for when you meet Mr. right and want to know when it is safe to stop using condoms (it takes at least two tests 3 to 6 months apart). 

Sex and Alcohol do not mix well.  You make stupid decisions you often regret later.  I can tell you that two hard alcohol drinks in one night will give you plenty of a good buzz, without drinking yourself sick.  

CONCLUSION: Our SEXUL IDENTITY reflects what we THINK our Sexual Orientation/Gender is at any given time.  As we learn more about ourselves, our Sexual Identity can therefore change.  It is a DISCOVERY process.

It would be arrogant and wrong of me to tell you what I think your Sexual Identity is. Only you can decide, and once you do decide, then later find out more about yourself, you can always change your Sexual Identity as many times as you need to.

INDICATORS OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

Please Note that I really do not believe I have enough information to advise you about your Sexual Orientation, but I feel that I should at least tell you what the small amount of information you gave me suggests about your Sexual Orientation, at this point in time. Based on the small amount that you have told me, the indicators suggest you are most likely Gay. This is based primarily on your Gay Romantic desires/attractions/fantasy, your lack of such romantic feelings for females, your lack of sexual attraction to breasts and being repulsed by vaginas.  IF you are primarily gay, your lack of sexual attraction to breasts and being repulsed by vaginas suggests that while your conscious mind desires you to be straight, or at least bisexual, then your desires for females may be a construct of the subconscious mind, reflecting your desire to be Straight and not be gay, while you brain is actually wired to be Gay.  However, there are many other factors, discussed above that could possibly explain this in another way.  If true, you could be Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight.  What we do not know for sure is if you really do have sexual desires for females, but other factors are preventing romantic interest in females, and causing you to feel no attraction and repulsion to naked female body parts.  This seems a rather unlikely path, but it should be investigated further.

If you answer the questions above, it might shed further light on your Sexual Orientation, and possibly change or confirm what I wrote above.

If you want to continue the discussion, please feel free to send me a NOTE.  To send me a Note on DA: There are two ways:
    1. Go to my site :iconinspiredcreativity: and in the upper right part of the page you will see a yellow icon labeled, “Send a Note.” Just enter a subject and your what you want to say and hit send.

    2. On YOUR Messages page, there is a tab for Messages and a tab for Notes. Click on the Notes tab.  In the upper-right-corner you will see a button that says: + Create a Note.

    TO FIND MY REPLY TO YOUR NOTE: On YOUR Messages page, click on the tab for Notes.  In the upper-left-corner, be sure that INBOX is selected. You will find my reply listed in the Left column.
I wish all you the best that live and love can bring you,   Matthew
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:iconredlotuspony:
RedLotusPony Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I am not really sure about this... I have fantasies about girls and I find girls attractive, when I walk by a girl in my class, I think she is wonderful, I don't know if I have a crush on her or not. I consider myself bi, but I prefer guys a lot. I have only had boyfriends (which might not be strange since my attraction to girls have only begun) and my current biggest crush is a boy. Does this mean I'm straight or bi? (Sorry, there was too much of it to read it all)
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Hi,  Sometimes it takes time for a person’s homosexual nature to emerge.  You could be anywhere on the Sexual Orientation Spectrum with a tiny amount of gay, or a lot of gay.  Basically, time will tell your Sexual orientation.  Probably over two-thirds of all humans feel some attraction to their own gender, but it might be so little they don’t notice it for what it is, or it might not be enough of an attraction to act on it.  

You have some attraction to another girl, but is it enough that you want to pursue it?  This question can be confused by our society’s homophobia and young people not wanting to be seen as bisexual or Lesbian. If there were no homophobia, wold you be more willing to explore that path?  One way to explore the possibility is to try to become freinds with the other girl and get to know her better.  Maybe you would be happy being freinds.

If you sometimes feel attracted to girls, but there is no real desire to kiss a girl or cuddle with a girl, then you are probably: Primarily Straight, Secondarily Gay.  This means you will live a Straight Lifestyle.

A strong indicator of your Sexual Orientation is to see who you dream and fantasize about sexually and romantically. But keep in mind that teenage brains experiment sexually through dreams and fantasy, so if you occasionally have a romantic/sexual dream/fantasy with a girl, it could be your mind experimenting.  Girls have also been known to fantasize or dream about being a guy having sex with a girl, and being a guy having sex with a guy.  Some girls even have rape fantasies.  This is all just the brain experimenting.  Therefore, you look at what the greater majority of your romantic and sexual dreams are about.

In your early teens, your brain is mostly having crushes on people based on physical attraction.  As you get older, you start becoming attracted to a person’s personality, and romantic feelings (love) play a larger role.  Some people feel sexual attraction to both genders, but find out that they only fall in love with people of just one gender.  It is more a question who you feel more fulfilled being with, guys or girls.

For example, there is a woman I know who did not notice her attraction to girls until she was 19.  She dated both guys and girls over the next few years.  She was equally sexually attracted to both guys and girls.  However, she was finding that her romantic attractions were much stronger with girls, who were making her feel more fulfilled and comfortable.  The guys were cute and fun to play with, but something was missing with them and they were not meeting her non-physical desires and needs.  She eventually identified as lesbian.  But of course it can go the other way too, where a girl feels more fulfilled by guys and identify as Straight.

Love is all about sharing and connecting on many different levels, such as emotionally, socially, intellectually, heart, spiritually, physically, and in romantic love, romantically and sexually.  

BISEXUALITY:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
    1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
    2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
    3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
In other words, bisexuality is not defined by who you feel sexually attracted to or who you have sex with (Straight men can have sex with Gay men, Gay men can have sex with women, A Lesbian can have sex with a man, a Straight woman can have sex with a woman, and all enjoy it to some degree).  

CONCLUSION: I cannot tell you what your Sexual Orientation is.  Only you can do that, and it might take more time for you to know for sure. What matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  If you later have very strong attraction to a girl, you can try to experiment with it if you want.  You said you have a boyfriend you like a lot, so for now, focus on him.

Please feel no pressure to decide your Sexual Orientation.  Let it happen organically. Accept and love your homosexual nature, no matter how little it is.  It is part of who you are and it adds some spice to your life.

If you are primarily straight, just because you have some attraction to girls does not mean you need to act on it and have sex with a girl.  If the attraction is powerful, then it is worth getting to know the person and see where it goes…

Sorry I can’t give you an exact answer, but I hope this helped.

Matthew
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:iconredlotuspony:
RedLotusPony Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, you are basically saying that my sexual orientation will reveal itself as I grow older? It works for me, thank you! :blowkiss: REVAMP 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Yes, time and your willingness to be open-minded and explore if need be.
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:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Writer
This is SO useful! Not just for comic ideas but for understanding life itself! Thank you for also leaving the link for God and homosexuality. I will definitely read it. Question though. What about pansexuality? In my comic I have a lead character who is pansexual. The other characters ask him what that means and he has to explain it, but from what I'VE understood, pansexual means you like everything (trans, bui, gay, straight, lesbian, etc). Now is what I'm understanding correct or no? I REALLY don't want to be wrong on this cause I could run the risk of insulting my readers.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, Actually, your definition of Pansexual is not correct.

But first, as an author, if you use an obscure label like Pansexual, it is indeed a good idea for you to define it for the reader, especially in this case, because as you have seen, there are variations in how it is defined on the internet.

Below, I will cover the following topics:
    :bulletblue: PANSEXUALITY DEFINED
    :bulletyellow: TRANSGENDER
    :bulletorange: SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES
    :bulletpink: EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON
    :bulletred: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?
    :bulletpurple: UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

PANSEXUALITY DEFINED

IMPORTANT NOTE: To understand Pansexuality fully, please read the explanations of Transgender and other Gender Identities further below. I give a ‘Pansexual Example’ below as well.

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is when you are have the ‘potential’ to be attracted to and desire people of both biological genders and all Gender Identities visually, romantically and sexually, and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people1. Some Pansexuals say that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.  

Pansexuality differs from Bisexuality in that Pansexuals are not just attracted sexually to males and females, but also to other gender identities.  For example, Transgender is just one of the Gender Identities, and even ‘Transgender’ has many variations.

1 I added the, “and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people,” to the definition, for the following reasons:

Bisexuality & Pansexuality do not mean you have 'some' attraction for both genders or to other Gender Identities, because if that were true, over 90% of the human population would be Bisexual or Pansexual. Sexual Orientation is on a spectrum, therefore almost every human being has 'some' attraction to both genders, but it might be so small it is not noticed, or not enough to act on (ask for date, have sex with).

Bisexuals and Pansexuals are people who can Romantically and sexually desire both genders and be able to have a fulfilling relationship with both genders.  There are people who are capable of having sex with both genders and maybe even enjoy having sex with both genders, but only feel fulfilled in a relationship with one gender. I have seen this many times, just as I have seen people have sex with others outside their sexual orientation, like a Gay man have sex with a woman.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Some young people can confuse GENDER NONCONFORMITY and Transgender, which is why they need time to fully development to know for sure. Gender Nonconformity is seen when a girl is a tomboy, wanting to play with boys & their toys, dress like boys, and otherwise identify in masculine ways; or seen in boys who want to play with girls and their toys, dress like girls and otherwise identify with girls.  However, this can vary in degree from a little to a lot.

What is important to understand is that some of these kids turn out to be heterosexual, although the majority turn out to be a Sexual Minority. To understand this, remember the Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum.  Straight men can be effeminate and straight women can be masculine.  Some of these children may wonder if they are Transgender, like a girl who is a tomboy

TRANSGENDER: To understand what Pansexual means, you must understand what Transgender and other Gender Identities means. Transgender basically means that your gender expression does not match your biological gender. A Transgender person feels trapped in the wrong gender body, like they are in an alien body, usually from a very young age.  However, there can be different degrees of how alienated a person feels, from just enough to realize he or she is Transgender, to intense feelings of needing to get Sexual Reassignment or die trying. We identify a Transgender person by the gender of his or her Brain, not his or her Body.

A Transgender person is either a Female Brain trapped in a Male body, or Male Brain trapped in a Female body. What is significant is that the BRAIN can be either Homosexual, Heterosexual or Bisexual, regardless of the gender of the body.

Some Transgender people choose to get partial to full Sexual Reassignment, via Hormone treatments, or Hormone treatments and/or surgery. If a man only gets hormone treatments but keeps her penis, she is a ’SheMale.’ I have also heard of men who had their penis turned into a vagina, but got no hormone treatments (to look like man in society, but have a vagina). Women can also go through partial to full sexual reassignment.  She can do hormone treatment, have breast reduction surgery (or not), but not have the vagina turned into a penis.  A person can identify as Transgender and never get any Sexual Reassignment treatments or surgery.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A Transgender person can be ANY Sexual Orientation. What happens is the the brain sexes-out in the mother’s womb as one gender and the body sexes-out as the opposite gender.

A Male to Female Transgender = A Female Brain in a Male body.
    • If she is attracted to women only, then she is a Lesbian, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If she is attracted to Men only, then she is Straight, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Gay to other people.
    • Or she is attracted to both men and women, then she be Bisexual.
A Female to Male Transgender = A Male Brain in a Female body.
    • If he is attracted to men only, then he is Gay, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If he is attracted to Women only, then he is Straight, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Lesbian to other people.
    • Or he is attracted to both men and women, then he is Bisexual.

SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES:
    Fa’afafine: In some Polynesian societies, fa'afafine are considered to be a "third gender" alongside male and female. They are biologically male, but dress and behave in a manner considered typically female. According to Tamasailau Sua'ali'i (see references), fa'afafine in Samoa at least are often physiologically unable to reproduce. Fa'afafine are accepted as a natural gender, and neither looked down upon nor discriminated against. The Samoan Prime Minister is patron of the Samoa Fa'afafine Association.

    Hijra: In the culture of the Indian subcontinent, a hijra is usually considered to be neither a man nor a woman. Most are biologically male or intersex, but some are biologically female. The hijra form a third gender, although they do not enjoy the same acceptance and respect as males and females in their cultures. They can run their own households, and their occupations are singing and dancing, working as cooks or servants, sometimes prostitutes (for men), or long-term sexual partners for men. Hijras can be compared to transvestites or drag queens of contemporary western culture.

    Third Gender: The terms third gender and third sex describe individuals who are categorized (by their will or by social consensus) as neither man nor woman, as well as the social category present in those societies who recognize three or more genders.

    Two-Spirit: Indigenous North Americans who fulfill one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women.

    Xanith: The xanith form an accepted third gender in Oman, a gender-segregated society. The xanith are male homosexual prostitutes whose dressing is male, featuring pastel colors (rather than white, worn by men), but their mannerisms female. Xanith can mingle with women, and they often do at weddings or other formal events. Xaniths have their own households, performing all tasks (both male and female). However, similarly to men in their society, xaniths can marry women, proving their masculinity by consummating the marriage. Should a divorce or death take place, these men can revert to their status as xaniths at the next wedding.

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EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON:
A Pansexual male or female would visually, romantically and sexually be attracted to and desire a SheMale (male who had hormone treatments, has breasts, but retains her penis), or to an M-F Transgender (a biological male who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or a F-M Transgender (a biological female who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or any of the other Gender Identities, some of which I show bellow:.

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HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?:

The only real way you can know you are Pansexual is if you have actually experience visual, romantic and sexual attraction and desire for a number of different Transgender and Gender Identities.

It is one thing to ‘believe’ that you would have these attractions to all of the different Transgender and Gender Identities, and it is another thing to actually experience such desires and attractions.

I suspect that a lot of young people identifying as Pansexual are doing so with the assumption, or hope, or desire that they can be Pansexual, without actually knowing if they are.

You know if you are gay when you start experiencing visual, romantic and sexual attractions and desires for those of your gender and not for those of the opposite gender.  Otherwise we would have no way of knowing we are Gay or Lesbian. It is like when I have had girls as young as 11 tell me they think they might be Asexual, because they feel not sexual attractions to boys or girls, but they are simply too young yet to have those feelings, so identifying as Asexual would be a false identity.

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UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS:

I think it is very important to understand that the boundaries for Sexual identity Labels are very arbitrary.  As you read in my deviation, every human being has a Gender/Sexual Identity comprised of 4 Spectrums: Gender, Sexual Orientation, Masculinity/Femininity & Libido.  Each person can be anywhere on each of the Spectrums.

Also, it is worth noting that Transgender and Asexuality are NOT Sexual Orientations.  Transgender is on the Gender Spectrum and Asexuality and Hypersexuality are on the Libido Spectrum.

If you are 80% Gay & 20% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 75% Gay and 25% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 70% Gay and 30% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 60% Gay and 40% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you? When we say a person is Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual, or Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual, or Primarily Heterosexual/Secondarily Homosexual, where are cutoff points when one label becomes another label?  We each choose where we think we are on the spectrum.  Where we see ourselves on the spectrum can change over time, as we learn more about ourselves and experience more relationships with people.  Our Sexual Orientation never changes, but our Sexual Identity can change.  It is not easy for many young people to figure out what their Sexual Identity is.  Some don't figure it out until well into their 20s.

I do not like Sexual labels.  When we see LGBT, or LGBTQ, or GLBTTSSQQI2, there is no way to include the many, many labels people have thought up to describe themselves, labels that the vast majority of the human population have no idea what they mean.  This is why I try to be more inclusive by saying Sexual Minorities.   I have a list of some 45 Sexual Identity Labels, one of which is Pansexual.  the vast majority of the Sexual Minority Community have no idea what Pansexual means.  99% or less of the human race has no idea what Pansexual means, or most of the other labels.

If I say I am a Gay man, most people make a LOT of bad assumptions about who I am.  That label tells very little about who I am, and misleads many.  Labels mislead others because labels OBJECTIFY people, it strips away humanity and turns you into an object that represents different things to different people.  For example, the label of ‘Gay man’ tells many Christians that he is a child molester, sexual pervert sinner, promiscuous, unable to love and countless other lies.  Even is the Sexual Minority Community, many assumptions are made by using ‘Gay.’  Therefore, what I am saying is that Labeling ourselves and other people has a big downside.  So, I caution getting too carried away with Labels.

We seek to label ourselves to get a sense of self-identity, about what tribe we belong to. When you are in a minority you can feel alone, outcast.  For me, finding the Gay Community was like finding a new family and it became my tribe.  When I was growing up, the Gay Community was underground and to be outed was the worst thing that could happen to you, often resulting in loss of your career, loss of family and friends, and too often, loss of your life.  Finding the Gay Community meant I was no longer alone.  It is my hope that eventually we will all belong to one tribe, and Gender/Sexual Identity will be no different from having different eye or hair color.


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I hope this answers your question.  Please feel free to ask any other questions.
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:iconegoff99:
egoff99 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014
Thanks for an informative piece on this when asking/learning about sexuality is so often taboo in modern society, as a highschooler just beginning to see different ideas in the world (and finding that they make more sense than what I was raised on, in many cases), I find that it's difficult to learn about controversial subjects without offending someone. So, for whatever a "child's" words are worth, thank you.
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