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DETERMINING SEXUAL IDENTITY


For many people, there is no question at all about what their Sexual Orientation and Identity are, starting at a very young age.  But for many others, it can be very confusing and traumatic.  ALL of us are a blend of Straight and Gay. People who are almost completely Straight or Gay usually know how they are different from very young ages. Everyone else will have some someone degree of Confusion and Questioning.  Many young people have a small amount of latent homosexuality, enough to confuse them, but not enough to be a Bisexual. Others can be confused by having a friend they love dearly. Some young people are late bloomers, becoming sexually aware later than most others.  For others, there is also confusion about Gender.  For others, they may not have sexual feelings at all.

Some people may not become aware of their homosexual nature, or may not recognize, realize, or acknowledge their homosexual attractions, until their late teen years to their mid-twenties. Girls tend to be later in recognizing their homosexual nature.  For girls and young women, determining sexual orientation can be much more confusing than for boys.  Sexual development can start later or develop more slowly in some people.  Some people may slowly beacon aware of their homosexual nature, while others will suddenly start having homosexual feelings or fantasies.

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO OR HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE. Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had relationships and sex with a lot of women in the years he was trying to hide his homosexuality, saying that he even enjoyed most of it. But he now says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man." Relationships with women were not fulfilling for him, but relationships with men are fulfilling for him.  Sex regularly crosses Sexual Orientation boundaries, but not Romantic Love.

Sometimes Straight men have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, Lesbians have sex with men, and Straight women have sex with Lesbians.  Given the right circumstances, all kind of things can happen around sex.  For example, some Straight men will get oral sex from a Gay man, or be the penetrator in anal sex with a Gay man, simply for sexual relief between girls, or on a Navy ship, or in a prison. He will feel no attraction to the gay man, he is simply being serviced by the gay man.

For the vast majority of you, what matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  For some people, the initial attraction may be zero, low, or up to intense.  In my case, I was not physically or sexually attracted to my current partner at all. I pursued a friendship with him, liking his personality.  After spending some time together as freinds, I suddenly found myself both physically and sexually attracted to him.  LOVE keeps your partner looking beautiful and hot for a Lifetime.  LOVE keeps sex with your partner great for a lifetime.  Without Love and sex being bound together, sex becomes boring and your lover no longer turns you on.

I did not even know what straight sex was until age 19, and gay sex at age 20 (I was Autistic and very innocent). Nor did I know anything about Sexual Orientation, or what those words meant, like Fuck, Fag and Queer. At age 11, I consciously recognized that I was attracted to boys the way I was supposed to be attracted to girls, because I was following cute boys around at school. At age 12, I fell in love with Anton Wild, although I did not really know it at the time, because I had no reference point for it. But I knew I had a kind of ache and yearning around him, missing him even after just an hour apart, and I got HARD around him a lot. It all felt much more INTENSE than any friendship I had ever had. Out by the pool, Anton almost kissed me once, then my Mother burst out (she kept spying on us through the window). At age 13, I confessed to my Aunt, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls."  She dismissed it as a "Phase boys go through."  My youthful fantasies were not sexual, because I did not know what that was or looked like.  My fantasies were all around hugging and kissing other boys, and doing romantic things with boys.

CLUES TO HELP YOU DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
A big CLUE about out your sexual orientation is notice who you find yourself strongly attracted to in non-sexual situations, like when you are at school, out with freinds, grocery shopping, etc. ROMANTIC FANTASY, is your biggest clue of all about Sexual orientation.  Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself living together, etc.

ATTRACTION:
Within your sexual orientation, we are sexually attracted to other people based on a number of factors.  For example, the pitch and timber of a person's voice can affect attraction.  But one of the biggest factors of all are PHEROMONES, which are hormones exerted in our sweat and smelled by others. Each of us are only attracted to certain Pheromones. When two people have "Good Chemistry," this is what is being talked about.

You can be a Gay boy, but only find certain kinds of boys attractive, and maybe only guys your own age, or older guys, or younger guys.  Maybe you are only into bigger, more muscular and hairy guys, or maybe you like them more svelte and smooth.  You may be attracted to only certain personalities too.  If you are a Lesbian, Straight, or Bisexual, the same things apply.  Who you are attracted to in life often changes as you get older.  My first love set who I was attracted to for a long time.  If you are Straight and have a good relationship to your father and brothers, you may find yourself attracted to their body and personality type, because you associate good things with that.  Or it can go the opposite way if you have a terrible relationship with them.  I got picked on by jocks a lot, and to this day am totally turned off by guys who look or act like jocks.

WHAT NOT TO USE TO DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

HAVING SEX with someone is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a boy and have it be awful. This does not mean you are a Lesbian.  You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a girl, and have it be nice, but it does not make you a Lesbian.  You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a girl, and have it be awful. You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a guy, and have it be nice.

PORNOGRAPHY is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. Girls and young women can be sexually aroused by Straight, Lesbian and Gay Male Pornography, regardless of her Sexual Orientation. Boys and Young men are often sexually aroused by any pornography at all. Straight guys tend to get really hot over seeing Lesbian kissing and sex.  But a Gay guy can get easily excited by Straight porn, and not bother to notice that he is ficus on the guys. A gay guy might have an aversion to seeing Gay Porn, due to internalized homophobia, guilt or shame.

SEXUAL FANTASY can be misleading. Boys can sexually experiment in fantasy, and may fantasize about gay sex, or even fantasize themselves as a girl. Girls and young Women can especially do a lot of sexual experimentation in fantasy, and can even imagine themselves as the man having sex with a woman, as a man having gay sex with another man, as a woman having sex with another woman and even have rape fantasies (experimenting with control, domination, submission, etc.).

SEXUAL AROUSAL: If a boy is wresting around with another boy and gets an erection, this alone does not make him Gay—it is actually natural. Teenagers get sexually aroused very easily, due to 'raging hormones.'  If you are only getting aroused by one gender, this can be a hint about Sexual Identity, but you still need a lot more evidence before drawing conclusions.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ROMANTIC FEELINGS OR FANTASIES?
You may simply need to get older.  Sexual arousal develops first, before romantic desire and attraction.  Also, stress, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues can be shutting you down around romantic matters.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING SEXUALLY AROUSED BY MUCH OF ANYTHING?
Everyone matures sexually at a different rate.  If you feel little or no excitement or arousal by either boys or girls, then:

:bulletblue: Your sexuality may not finished developing yet.
:bulletblue: STRESS, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues could be shutting down your sexuality. Stress at home (like a messed up family or abuse) or in school (like being bullied) can shut down your libido. If you were or are a victim of rape, incest, or other form of sexual abuse, this would shut you down too.
:bulletblue: You could have low Testosterone (both boys and girls) or other medical conditions.  It would be a good idea to see a doctor, just to eliminate medical causes.
:bulletblue: Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants, some other antidepressants and antipsychotics, can shut down sexual desire, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).
:bulletblue: Fear of Intimacy, of AIDS or STDs, Body Shame, or raised to believe that sex is evil/dirty/disgusting can shut down your libido.
:bulletblue: Males reach the peak of their sex drive in their teens, while women reach it in their thirties.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN DETERMINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Probably the biggest problem of all in determining Sexual Orientation for a lot of people, is the conscious or subconscious suppression or denial of their homosexual nature, due to Internalized Homophobia.  Homosexual feelings, fantasies, and dreams can be suppressed, dismissed, ignored, or justified in another way. The emergence of your homosexual nature might be dallied by a few years, for decades (sometimes as late as age 50 to 70).  The desire to be NORMAL can be extremely powerful.  I was so Queer that I had no choice but to face it, but it was not easy and I tried to kill myself at age 13.

When kids are subjected to homophobia from birth, the message can be constant and clear that being homosexual or bisexual is a horrible thing. You face being an outcast, vilified, rejected by family and friends, thrown out of your home, and harassed and bullied at school.  If you are raised in a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family, you might face religious condemnation, being told that you are a sin, evil, disgusting pervert, an abomination in the eyes of God, and that you are going to go to hell for being born Homosexual, Bisexual, or Transgender.  For some kids, the first awakening moment of attraction to the same gender can be so horrifying that they are subconsciously or consciously suppressed, and thus the pattern can get set. If they can feel ANY attraction for the same gender, they may run with it.

Many HOMOPHOBIC men are Bisexual or Gay men with extreme Internalized Homophobia, acting-out against other Sexual Minorities. In a study at the University of Georgia, it was shown that homophobic men, claiming to be straight and claiming to have always engaged in heterosexual sex, got erections looking at Gay pornographic videos 30% more than non-homophobic straight men.  When youth are raised in a homophobic environment, or otherwise become homophobic, and they start to experience homosexual feelings and attractions, some respond to their homosexual feelings with HATE, despising that part of themselves.  They then blame homosexuals for making them have these unwanted feelings, hating other homosexuals, OR sometimes just feeling very uncomfortable around homosexuals and having negative feelings about them.



SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual Orientation is the Biological Sexuality Orientation that you are Born with.
Sexual Orientation is defined by your Gender Identity, what Genders you Sexually and Romantically Desire, and how much you desire each Gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY
Sexual Identity is how a person CHOOSES to identify their own Sexuality, and is not necessarily the same as their biological Sexual Orientation.  A Bisexual man who is both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, may decide that he feels most comfortable living with men, and choose a Gay identity.

A woman I know says that she is sexually attracted to both men and women equally, but only Romantically attracted to women. She chooses to identify her self as a Lesbian.  Rickey Martin was sexual with women for years, but now identifies himself as completely Gay, because his only romantic attachments have been with men.



BIOLOGICAL GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION,  SEXUAL LIBIDO, & MASCULINE/FEMININE SPECTRUMS

A person's Biological Sexual Orientation is NOT defined by discreet values like Heterosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual.  Instead, a person's Biological sexuality will fall anywhere across a continuous spectrum between 100% Heterosexual at one end and 100% Homosexual on the other end. The frequency of human sexuality across this spectrum is distributed over what looks like a bell shaped curve, with relatively few people being 100% Heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and with the greater majority of human being biased towards Heterosexuality.

Gender itself is also variable and distributed across a spectrum.  The amount of Sexual Desire (LIBIDO) we experience is also on a spectrum from no desire to extreme desire.  When it comes to masculinity and femininity, this crosses the boundaries of both Gender and Sexual Orientation. Some Straight men are effeminate. Some Straight women are masculine. Some Gay men are very masculine and some effeminate.  Some Lesbians are very feminine and some masculine.  Almost all Transvestites are Straight men who cross-dress for sexual pleasure, while Drag Queens, Boy Drag and Female Impersonators are almost all homosexuals who cross-dress for non-sexual reasons.

During fetal gestation, when the fetus is sexing-out in the brain first and then the body, with sexual organs, etc, many different things can happen in this process to create this wide diversity of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity.  There are very real differences between the brains of men and women and homosexual men and women and Transgender men and women.



WE ARE ALL MADE UP OF All OF THESE SEXUAL SPECTRUMS:
     :bulletred: —> :bulletpurple: SEXUAL ORIENTATION
     :bulletblue: —> :bulletpink: GENDER
     :bulletblack: —> :bulletorange: SEXUAL DRIVE
     :bulletgreen: —> :bulletyellow: & MASCULINITY/FEMININITY


It is people themselves who typically desire labels for their Gender and Sexual Identity. The problem is that human sexuality does NOT divide itself nicely into set groups.  LGBTQ or GLBTQ do come even close to including all of our community.  I much prefer to refer to us as SEXUAL MINORITIES.  I know there is a craving by some who seek ever more exotic labels to call themselves by, but there is NO label that exactly describes any of us. We are this amazing and wondrous mix of spectrums, all unique in our own ways.  

Human sexuality is a combination of Spectrums for Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive and Masculinity/Femininity:

Sexual Orientation Spectrum:. . . 100% Heterosexual —> to Bisexual to <— 100% Homosexual

Gender Spectrum:. . . . . . . . . . . Male —> Transgender1 —> 3rd Gender <— Female

Sexual Drive Spectrum: . . . . . . . Asexuality2 (0) —>  to Average to  <— Hypersexuality (∞)

Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum: Masculine —>  to <— Feminine: Applies to ALL Straight & Gay Males & Females3
Some Straight men are effeminate and some Straight women are masculine. Gay men & Lesbians run the entire range from hyper-masculine to uber-feminine.

ALL HUMANS fall somewhere within ALL of the above Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Sexual Drive & Masculinity/Femininity.

1 TRANSGENDER is NOT a Sexual Orientation, it is a Gender. Gender Identity is based on the gender of the person's brain, not their body.  After Sexual Reassignment, the gender of the brain can match the gender of the body. A Transgender person can have a:
  • Straight, Gay, or anything in between MALE BRAIN in a FEMALE BODY.
  • Straight, Lesbian, or anything in between FEMALE BRAIN in a MALE BODY.
2 See the section on Asexuality at the end of this paper.
3 For more information on Gay Mannerisms and on being Masculine, Feminine or Effeminate, see the section further below.



THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION SCALE (used by some sexologist): View the chart below as 7 columns:

Exclusively - - - - -Primarily Strait- - - - - Primarily Strait- - - - - - Bisexual- - - - - - - - Primarily Gay- - - - - - - -Primarily Gay- - - - - - Exclusively
Straight - - - - - - Incidentally Gay- - - - -Secondarily Gay- - - - - -Bisexual - - - - - Secondarily Straight- - - -Incidentally Straight- - - - - - - -Gay
-< 1 >- - - - - - - - - -< 2 >- - - - - - - - - - - - -< 3 >- - - - - - - -< 4 >- - - - - - - - - -< 5 >- - - - - - - - - -< 6 >- - - - - - - - - - -< 7 >-

MORE SEXUAL IDENTITY LABELS:
PANSEXUALITY is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Basically this is saying you are a bisexual who does not want to be constrained by other labels, so you give yourself another label.

GENDERQUEER is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman or as being neither man nor woman and therefore falling completely outside the gender binary. There are more labels people use, but there is not enough room here to describe them all.


NOTE: Sexual Identity and Relationships are actually very different things. You can be any of the of the sexual identities, including asexual, and choose to either be in a relationship, or to be single.



BISEXUALITY DEFINED:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

You could also be Bisexual Leaning Straight or Leaning Gay:

     :bulletwhite: Exclusively Straight [100% Straight, 0% Gay]
     :bulletgreen: Primarily Straight, Incidentally Gay [87.5% Straight, 12.5% Gay]
     :bulletyellow: Bisexual Leaning Straight [62.5% Straight, 37.5% Gay]
     :bulletblack: Bisexual [50% Straight, 50% Gay]</b>
     :bulletpurple: Bisexual Leaning Gay [62.5% Gay, 37.5% Straight]
     :bulletred: Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight [75% Gay, 25% Straight]
     :bulletorange: Primarily Gay, Incidentally Straight [87.5% Gay, 12.5% Straight]
     :bulletpink: Exclusively Gay [100% Gay, 0% Straight]

Anyone within 6.25% of any of the above categories, would fall within that category.

If you are on either side of Bisexuality, and not exclusively Straight or Gay, it can get very confusing to you about what your Sexual Orientation is.  You may have SOME Sexual Attraction to both genders, and can received SOME Sexual Pleasure from both genders, BUT, one gender is Just NOT Fulfilling Enough to desire regular Sexual or Romantic contact with that Gender.  When this happens, your Sexual identity and Sexual Orientation may be different.  For example, you may be technically a Primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight woman, but if you only date women and form relationships with women, your sexual identity will likely be Lesbian.

HAVING SEX WITH BOTH MEN & WOMEN DOES NOT MAKE YOU BISEXUAL.
Just because you CAN have sex with both Genders does not make you BISEXUAL.  Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had sex with a lot of women, and said that he even enjoyed most of it, but that only men romantically fulfill him.  He says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man."

If you are a boy and you had sex with a girl, this does not make you Straight, not in-of-itself.  In the Navy, Straight men have sex with Gay men on a regular basis. It is simply a way to release sexual energy, to fulfill a need. It is sex only, with no emotional component. It does not make the Straight men bisexual, simply because they had sex with a Gay man. Sexual Orientation goes far beyond who you have sex with.

:bulletblue: 17% of Heterosexual adult Men & Women admit being attracted to someone of the same gender! Of those respondents who indicated they have been attracted to someone of the same sex, a surprising 36% said they had acted on that attraction in a sexual way.

:bulletblue: A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual…more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight, secretly have sex with other men…"

:bulletblue: A 2006 survey in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70% of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

:bulletblue: As many as 46% of all guys, whether they identify as Straight, Gay, or Bi, have had sex of some nature with another guy to the point of orgasm (includes Mutual Masturbating). Many guys are curious and experiment. Some do it again and some don't.

For Example:

:bulletpink: A Straight man CAN have sex with a Gay man without Sexually DESIRING the Gay man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in the him.
:bulletpink: A Gay man CAN have sex with a woman without Sexually DESIRING the woman, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Straight woman CAN have sex with a Lesbian without Sexually DESIRING the Lesbian, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Lesbian CAN have sex with a man without Sexually DESIRING the man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in him.

How do you have sex with a person, if you do not Sexually Desire the person?

The answer is that the other person can get you sexually aroused, and/or you can make yourself sexually aroused in other ways, such as:

:bulletpink: You and/or the other person can sexually stimulate your body and sexual organs, using things like fingers, tongue, mouth, sex toys, objects, etc.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused using Pornography.
:bulletpink: You can fantasizing about someone else who sexually excites you, or you can fantasize about a person of a different gender.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused just from being in a sexual situation, and/or because you are very HORNY, and maybe you are intoxicated.
:bulletpink: You can be very easily aroused when you are young (Raging Hormones), by just about anything, especially when you want to experiment.
:bulletpink: Anything TABOO or exotic feeling can cause arousal.
:bulletpink: Sometimes your body will even respond sexually when being raped, unless high pain levels prevent it.  This can add to feelings of shame, which are not justified. Your body can react even against your will, when stimulated in certain ways, like when the prostate is being stimulated.
:bulletpink: Fear and suffocation can cause arousal, but using this is just plain idiotic and extremely dangerous.

Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.

Straight men will sometimes use Gay men to service their sexual needs, as a convenience, or out of need, when women are not available for periods of time, like on navy ships, in Prisons, or because of the culture you live in (Some Muslim countries).  On Navy Military ships, after months at sea, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but this does not make them Bisexual. A man having sex with a man does not make him Bisexual or Homosexual.  There are even circumstances when a primarily heterosexual man can be sexually excited by another man, but that does not make him Bisexual.

It should be noted that some people might be biologically Bisexual, but are mentally and emotionally unable to maintain a relationship with one of the genders.  For example, some Bisexual men and women may succumb to the pressures of society to not live a Homosexual lifestyle, and choose to live as Heterosexuals.  Some Bisexual women may have been abused by men so much that they choose to live as Lesbians.

HOMOPHOBIA & BISEXUALS
Unfortunately, boys and men who are borderline Bisexual or Homosexual, are still under great pressure to live as a Heterosexual. They will get married and maybe have kids, but be barely able to function sexually with their wife, so their sex life dries up, and it is the wife who really suffers, believing she is undesirable and unlovable, while he is slipping out having sex with men, but also not at all happy.  I know men who waited 30 to 40 years before divorcing and coming-out as a Gay man. Often the men love their wives, but just can't be sexual with her. When you are young, you can make it happen a lot easier than when you pass age 30 or so.

BISEXUALS WHO SEXUALLY DESIRE BOTH MEN & WOMEN BUT ONLY ROMANTICALLY DESIRE ONE GENDER:
If you sexually desire both men and women, but only romantically desire one Gender, then chances are your Sexual Identity will end up being based on the Gender you Romantically Desire. If you are a bisexual woman, but only romantically desire women, then your sexual identity will probably be Lesbian.  But it might take you time and dating both genders to figure this out.

Fantasy can be a clue, such as having sexual fantasies with both men and women, but having romantically fantasize with only one gender. When we fantasize, sometimes it is purely sexual, and sometimes it is more romantic. Fantasizing about doing fun things together, like swimming, hiking, and dancing, and fantasizing about non-sexual intimacy, like kissing, hugging and holding each other in bed, shows who you who you would probably be happier sharing your life with.



ARE YOU 15 YEARS OLD OR YOUNGER?
If you are around age 15 or younger (this is a very loose number), and reading this paper still leaves you very confused about your Sexual Orientation, you may very well need more time to let your sexuality develop and emerge. Give yourself some more time to see if your Sexual Orientation becomes more clear. Meeting a special person and falling in love can help make it clearer too.

NOTE: Your body and brain (particularly in the Frontal Cortex) continue to develop until around age 25.  For boys, your penis may continue to grow past the age of 18, slowing to a stop at around age 25.



ROMANTIC & SEXUAL FANTASIES REVEAL YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The best way to determine your own Sexual Orientation is to note which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about ROMANTICALLY, EROTICALLY or SEXUALLY.  Looking at Pornography to see what turns you on is not a very good indicator, because seeing nakedness and sex of any kind will turn you if you are not accustomed to it, and you might be turned on by only one aspect of the pornography, like if you are Gay and watching Straight porn, it could be the guys who are especially arousing you. I cover Pornography further below.  Romantic Fantasies are different from Sexual Fantasy, although Romantic Fantasy might turn into Sexual Fantasy.

Romantic Fantasies & Dreams tell us a lot about our Sexual Orientation & Identity, about who you are more likely to share your life with. Romance is linked to Feelings of LOVE, wanting a Romantic Relationship, wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend, or wanting to Share Your Life with someone, like imagining yourself seducing someone, or being seduced, falling in-love with someone, going on romantic dates, doing romantic things together with him or her, like going on a picnic, laying on the ground holding hands and looking up at the stars, seeing the world together, living together, and so on.  Romantic Fantasy can include SENSUAL and EROTIC Foreplay, like cuddling, kissing, rubbing bodies together, tongues on skin, bodies together, exploring each other's bodies, feeling loved and showing your love. Romantic Fantasies and Dreams are Non-Sexual, but can turn into Love-based Sexual Fantasy.

If you are not yet having Romantic Dreams or Fantasies, it is because you are still too young, but if you give it some time, they will start to happen. After Puberty starts, Sexual Dreams and Fantasies happen first, followed later by Romantic Dreams & Fantasy.  The age when Romantic Dreams and Fantasy start can vary a great deal, based on how early or later a bloomer you were.
If you are not remembering your Dreams, it is because you are dreaming before going into Deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, unless you happen to wake up before you go into REM Sleep.  Those who remember Dreams are Dreaming after their REM Sleep.

Sexual Fantasies & Dreams are also a good indicator of Sexual Orientation, but for some people, they can be deceptive and confusing.  Homosexual Sexual Fantasies may be either consciously or subconsciously suppressed by internal and/or external homophobia.  Sometimes, young minds may sexually experiment through fantasy.  For various reasons covered later, you can get sexually excited by pornography that is not in your nature, like a Gay guy getting aroused by Straight Porn, and the memory of this arousal can carry forward into fantasy.

Dreams and Fantasy are a safe way for our minds to Sexually Experiment and Explore, as well as seeking erotic experiences.  There can be a lot of sexual role changing and experimentation in your mind, especially when you are younger. Sexual dreams should not be immediately interpreted as literal expressions of sexual desire.

BOYS & MEN:
Straight Guys Can Have A Gay Sex Dream. If this only happens occasionally, then it is not saying you are Gay or Bisexual.  BUT, if it happens a lot, then you are probably Gay or Bisexual.
Gay Guys Can Have A Straight Sex Dream, but it will be a rare thing.
Guys Can Change Gender In Dreams. This is not as common, but does happen, and again it is your mind exploring and experimenting. Some say it is you getting in touch with your feminine side.

GIRLS & WOMEN: It is relatively common for Girls to dream about being a Guy having sex with a Girl. This is because the male role is often seen as dominant, the one in control, and one of power, and it is your desire to be in that role. These dreams and Fantasies seem more frequent in girls and young women who are Lesbian or Bisexual, but can also happen more frequently in straight girls and women who have issues of feeling dominated and controlled in her life.  Both Straight and Lesbian women dream of sexual encounters with another woman. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, it may not signify homosexual desire, but rather a need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side, or if you are in a relationship with a guy, it may reveal a need for more sensitivity or creativity from your partner, since we associate females with sensitivity and nurturing.  Some Girls even dream of being a Man having Gay sex with another Man.  Look at the kind of Dreams that are most frequent.  The younger you are, the more confusing it may seem.

VIRGINS: When you are a virgin, your mind has no reference point for sexuality, as to what things feel like, what would feel good, what would feel bad, what would be healthy or unhealthy. Even worse is when you use Pornography, because pornography is keyed to specific audiences and everything is done is to maximize angles, shots, and specific things that turn most people on. Even how sex is performed is heavily skewed, as is the size of breasts and penises. So porn can fuel some strange fantasies that later will be corrected naturally. There is no harm done, as long as you realize that the real experience may be different from what you See or Read in pornography.

RAPE FANTASY:
Just under 50% of Boys and Men say they have fantasized about being raped by a woman, and sometimes by a man, and if you are Gay, have fantasized about being raped by a man.
50 to 62% of Girls and Women have Rape Fantasies, more at younger ages and less at older ages (a 2009 study).
But it is very important to make a distinction about what is really being fantasized about. When women fantasize about forced-sex or rape, it is not really rape they are fantasizing about at all, it is about surrendering, submission, power, domination, and more rarely, sexual desire without responsibility, and sexual guilt.  BUT it is ALL PRETEND and you are STILL IN CONTROL. I have been raped, and the real thing had nothing to do with sex. Rape is a hate crime motivated primarily by Gender, Power, Dominance, and Control.  You really have zero control, you are POWERLESS. But in dreams and fantasy, we do have control, so it feels very different and it is a very different thing because of it.



ROMANTIC SEEMING FANTASIES, especially at younger ages, can be confused with feelings of high friendship, because friendship is about love too, and you can deeply love a friend.  It can be easy to imagine yourself sharing your life with your best friend, when everything else is there, except for sexual intimacy, which the mind can skip over.

This can be two boys who are best friends, and one boy wonders if he is Bisexual, because he is so fond of his friend. Confusion can also happen with a boy and a girl as best friends. For example, a boy has a girl for a best friend, someone he loves dearly, and his family is homophobic, so being Gay is the last thing he wants, so he believes he is Straight for many years, until he starts having intense Gay fantasies and dreams at 20 years old. He comes to realize that he really does not sexually desire his friend, and now has a Gay sexual identity and is in a long-term relationship with another man.



FOR BOYS, first ask yourself which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about romantically, erotically or sexually.  Then ask yourself if any of the boys and girls you have know or seen in your lifetime have sexually turned you on by giving you (not counting pornography):
  1. Romantic fantasies and/or dreams with specific girls or boys,
  2. Sexual fantasies about specific girls or boys,
  3. Desire to touch or hold specific boys and girls in a Romantic way,
  4. Desire to have sex with specific boys and girls,
  5. Erections when around boys or girls, or from their casual touch (separate from unrelated spontaneous erections)?
FOR GIRLS, sexual arousal does not usually help you determined Sexual Orientation. Therefore, for girls, use only 1 through 4 in list above.



WHY LOOK AT FANTASIES ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE?
Sometimes fantasies about a specific person may be in conflict with your Sexual Orientation. For example, a boy who is primarily Gay, might sexually fantasize about his best friend, who is a girl, out of his need to see himself as "Normal." If he loves her as a friend on many levels, his subconscious mind can superimpose the sexual fantasy.  This can greatly confuse him. The pressure that our society imposes on us all to be CONFORM and be NORMAL can creates a lot of problems in young people figuring out their sexuality.

It can go the other way too. For example, a boy who is primarily straight, with only some Homosexuality, who is very close in friendship with another boy, might have flashes of desire or fantasy for him in a sexual way. Yet if he were able to act out on it, he would not find it particularly satisfying.



SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION
You might think that sexually experimenting with a guy and/or girl would tell you if you are Straight, Bisexual, or Gay/Lesbian, but it can actually be very misleading. For example, a Gay guy might have his first sexual experience with another guy, and have it be totally dull, a horrible experience, or can't even get an erection (due to anxiety or nervousness).

A good way to avoid this confusion is to wait and have sex only with a person you have strong Romantic feelings for, and sexual desire for.  If you just Hook-Up with someone and have anonymous or indiscriminate sex, it might just confuse you even more, or lead you down the wrong path.



FEMALE SEXUAL AROUSAL:
Sexual Orientation can be much more difficult to figure out for Girls. This is because sexual arousal in a girl does not necessarily match her Sexual Orientation.  Recent research as shown a fundamental difference between male and female sexual arousal.  This is important because for men, sexual orientation is more alined to sexual arousal, but in women, it is different.  In the research, most of the young women were sexually aroused by watching videos of heterosexual sex, gay male sex, and lesbian sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.  No, not all women are bisexual.  What it means is that sexual arousal in females has little to do with sexual orientation.

Female Sexual Orientation is mostly determined by Romantic Feelings and Fantasies, and Sexual Desire.  However, if her Sexual Arousal is markedly greater toward one gender, then that is a valuable clue.



GAY MANNERISMS & WHY WE ARE MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE OR FEMININE:

GAY MANNERISMS:
Gay Mannerisms are different from Masculinity and Femininity and are like an underlying layer to those things. There is a subtle to not so subtle Gay mannerism language throughout the LGBTQ Community.  The more you are around other GLBTQ people, the more likely you will be to acquire this, like you would an accent, no matter how masculine or feminine you are.  Some Gay youth and those new to the Community will sometimes acquire exaggerated Gay Mannerisms on purpose, as a way of expressing their Gay identity, or as a way to fit-in with the others.  This should not be mistaken for Effeminacy.

BORN WITH A PREDISPOSITION TOWARD BEING MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE, OR FEMININE:
We can be born with a predisposition to be Masculine, Effeminate or Feminine, and/or it can be acquired later in life.

People can be born with a disposition towards Masculinity or Femininity, regardless of their Gender and regardless of their Sexual Orientation.  This is due to the same reasons for why we are born GLBT.  It happens due to fetal exposures to hormones while in the mother's womb, and depends on which hormones changed and at exactly what times during the two sexing-out phases of fetal development it happens.  The result can be any mix of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Transgender, Masculinity/Femininity, and all of those to any degree.

This means that a Straight man can be effeminate, by a little or a lot, or masculine to hyper-masculine, by a little to a lot.  A Straight woman can be masculine, by a little or a lot, or be feminine or hyper-feminine by a little of a lot.  The same is true of GLBT people.

ACQUIRED MASCULINITY, EFFEMINACY AND FEMININITY:
Gay Men and Lesbians can acquire Effeminacy, Masculinity or Femininity in a few ways.

You can acquire Effeminacy like I acquired a British accent from the first boy I fell in love with, a foreign exchange student from the UK.  When you hang-out with other effeminate guys, you may acquire their mannerisms even without you realizing it. Lipstick Lesbians and Strait women can have their feminine traits reinforced and even increased by hanging out with hyper-feminine women. This is also true of Lesbians who hang out with masculine Lesbians.  Who you hang-out with a lot or work with a lot can make a difference.

It can work the same way towards masculinity for Gay men.  I was influenced to be more masculine by association for 17 years of living in tight quarters with almost all masculine men, but I was also under threat of my life if my being Gay was discovered, so there was a lot of pressure to be perfectly masculine and even hyper-masculine. I went to an Academy and then out to sea on supertanker ships.  If my shipmates had discovered that I was Gay, they would have killed me by tossing me over the side of the ship to drown.  It was done and it was joked about. For 17 years I had to watch every word I said, how I said it and how I moved my body. I made a mistake once when I sat down and crossed my legs, one knee of the other knee. It was joked about for a week, about how I sat like a girl or a Faggot. When I talked about my family life, my partners, I had to keep changing 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she.'  This resulted in me becoming a bit towards the hyper-masculine, despite living with two effeminate husbands for 10 years, one a Drag Queen.

Finally, and especially for youth and young adults, you can acquire mannerisms of masculinity and femininity from those who are your Role Models, people you really respect or love, or those who mentor you.  I had a mentor and best friend, for many years, and I acquired some of his mannerisms, especially being able to maintain absolute calmness in face of crisis at sea, to lead my men. He was a very masculine man.



MY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY

  1. What do you daydream or fantasize about, sexually, when not Masturbating? You are looking for naturally occurring involuntary ones, not ones you try to purposely create in your mind.

  2. What do you fantasize about when you are Masturbating?  This does not include where you are FORCING YOURSELF to fantasize about a specific gender.

  3. If you watch Pornography, do you watch Straight Porn, Homosexual porn, or both, and if you watch both, which do you enjoy the most?  If you enjoy watching Straight porn, what do you focus on the most in the Straight porn, the male body parts and action, or the female body parts and action?

    Porn is not always a good measure of what is going on, because younger boys especially can get super-turned-on by anything sexual, which can be confusing to them.  But over time, the stuff contrary to their nature will really boring fairly quickly.

  4. Do you remember any of your dreams, and if so, can you remember the sexual ones? If you do remember them, are they Straight or Gay dreams, or both? Remembering dreams depends on if you dream before or after REM sleep.  If it is after, you can usually remember dreams.

  5. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit?  Do you get erections thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or vaginal sex, with a woman, or more?

  6. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or anal sex, with a guy, or more? Note: Some virgin Gay guys may think certain gay sexual acts sound disgusting, until they actually do it, then can't get enough. Therefore, if one or two things do not seem like a turn on to you, it does not mean you are not Gay.

  7. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude?  Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about sex with a woman?

  8. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude? Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about sex with a guy?

  9. If you are sexually aroused by both men and women, is one more intense than the other? If so, is one considerably more intense, or just a little more?

  10. Who would you rather wake-up cuddled up to and spooning with, a man or a woman? If you are trying to force yourself to be Straight, I want you to make an effort to remove your conscious drive to be heterosexual and live happily ever after with a woman. What does you heart say, not your mind?

  11. What kind of ROMANTIC dreams, fantasies and day-dreams do you have? Do they involve men or women or both? If both, which feels more comforting and fulfilling.

  12. Do you feel any guilt, shame or self-hatred around your sexual attractions, cravings, and feelings, and a desire not to have those sexual feelings, and do you feel like you are letting others down by being homosexual or bisexual?  I ask this question because it can show a motive for why you want to be straight, or why you are trying to force yourself to be straight, which can distort some of the answers you already gave above.



STRAIGHT GUYS & ANAL/PROSTATE STIMULATION

Straight Boys may be confused about their sexuality if they have discovered that playing with their anus is fun, including digital penetration, massaging their Prostate, or even using toys.  This is very normal and records of it go back thousands of years in Chinese and Indian texts, where women did this to men as part of normal sex. The Chinese considered the Prostate to be the third male sex organ (1-penis, 2-testicles/scrotum, 3-prostate) This area of the body is an erogenous zone, no matter if you are Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Some straight men even enjoy having their wives use a strap-on toy.



STRAIGHT GUYS GO WILD OVER LESBIAN INTIMACY & SEX.
STRAIGHT GIRLS GO WILD OVER GAY MALE INTIMACY & SEX


This is NORMAL to human sexuality. Obviously not everyone conforms to this, and religious and cultural training can interfere with it.



WHY PORNOGRAPHY CAN MISLEAD YOU

First of all, remember that pornography is designed to please as many customers as possible, so the things you see may not be typical of real sex at all.  For example, in Porn, ejaculation is always outside the body, because that is what people want to see, not because it is normal.  Anal penetrations are rapid in Porn because the models are already cleaned-out, prepped and stretched, otherwise you could really hurt someone. Oral sex may be very lacking in technique, because it is not easily filmed doing it right, etc.  There are also things in porn that are not typical at all, like porn with scenes involving urine, which is actually rather rare in the real world.

I am about as homosexual as you can get, yet when I was a boy, seeing pictures of a naked man or woman could arouse me, because of the TABOO factor—Forbidden fruit can be particularly arousing. As a Gay man, I can find the nude female body to be beautiful, but it does not sexually arouse me at all.  I did not even know what sex was until I was 19 years old, when another cadet smuggled a pornographic film and projector onto the ship. It sexually aroused me because of the Taboo factor, and because I focused on the men and their erections. I had never even seen another man aroused before.  When I went to sea (not military), there was a lot of straight porn in our staterooms.  After months at sea, I could use it for stimulation by focusing on the men, and with stories I could switch the woman to a man, most of the time.

What I am trying to show here is that Pornography alone may not tell you much.  Young people who are  in Denial, or are subconsciously or consciously pushed to be straight because of a homophobic environment, will use being able to be aroused by straight porn as absolute proof of being Straight. I must be straight because straight porn turns me on.

For girls and young women, pornography may not tell help you at all in determining sexual orientation, because most women can be sexually aroused when viewing Straight, Lesbian, or Gay pornography, REGARDLESS of her sexual orientation (based on a series of studies).

After viewing Straight, Lesbian or Gay pornography and finding it sexually arousing, it is possible that memory of that arousal and excitement might carryover to FANTASY and DAY-DREAMS, further confusing you.  What is much more significant is if you have a sexual response to real men or women you have met.

If pornography is confusing you about your sexual orientation, break it down and discover what is turning you on and what is turning you off.  If straight and homosexual porn sexually excites you, but you are unsure of your sexual orientation, ask yourself exactly what part of it is exciting you.  Do you find naked male bodies, without erections, to be sexually stimulating and arousing? Do guys only become stimulating to you when they have erections?  Do you find naked female bodies to be sexually stimulating and arousing?

If it is the act of penetration that is stimulating and arousing to you, and not necessarily WHO is doing it, this can be significant. A straight guy seeing a man penetrating another man anally might find it exciting, but it is not the gay part exciting him, it is penetrating someone anally that is exciting to him, and he can do this in straight sex, assuming she is willing (many women vend it pleasurable). On the other end, Straight men have been getting-off on anal stimulation for thousands of years, as found in ancient texts, although it is typically with fingers, toys, or a woman using a strap-on. For Lesbians, seeing penetration in Straight Porn might turn you on, but it is not the men that are the turn on, but rather the sexual act of penetration that is the turn-on.  If it is the act of penetration, this is something that can be done is Lesbian sex too, using toys, strap-ons, etc.

Finally, what if you think you are gay or lesbian, but after watching some gay porn, part of it turns you off or even seems disgusting?  Particularly if you are a virgin, certain acts might seem like a real turn off, but in the real world it will feel very different when you are crazy about a person and want every part of him. Some things like anal sex might seem dirty and disgusting, but it is typically very clean because the receptive person cleans himself out, and if you are crazy about the guy, who cares?  At the same time, some things might turn you on in a video that you would not want to do for real. Like maybe being spanked or bound and gagged turns you on  to see it, but you would never want to actually do it.  This is normal, because FANTASY is often about things we would not do for real.



WOMEN OFTEN FIND GAY MEN TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND

Some women and girls get frustrated because they fall for guys who turn out to be Gay.  Women and girls can often sense the underlying sexual tension of straight men and boys.  Some thrive in it, but it can get old, especially when women are working in a male dominated workplace, and especially so when women and girls have been sexually harmed by men.  For a woman or girl, being around a Gay man or boy can feel more comfortable and safe, even if they have no idea he is Gay.

Many Gay men and boys have women and girls as their best friends or a very close friends.



WHEN MEN or BOYS ARE RAPED

When Boys or Men are anally raped, especially when done over a period of time, like when kidnapped, in Juvenile Detention, or in Prison, or any time that the pain of forceable penetration is low, they may end up getting erections, orgasming, and ejaculating, which can cause an even deeper shame and a questioning of their sexuality, thinking they must be Gay. Further, most Boys and Men can experience an erection when feeling great fear. Unfortunately, boys and men almost always keep rape a secret and never learn the truth about why their body reacted that way.

When the prostate gland in boys and men is being rhythmically impacted or massaged during anal sex or rape, it is a natural response of the male body to get an erection, experience pleasure, and sometimes even orgasm and ejaculate without ever having touched himself during the sex or rape. If you are being raped, this can really make a guy think he is Gay, but again, it is purely mechanical.

Even worse is when the rapist or others accuse the victim of liking to be raped, further increasing feelings of guilt and shame, and questioning of their sexual orientation.

If you know any boys or men who are victims of rape, be sure to explain this to them. There is no cause for shame or the questioning of their sexuality.



WHEN GIRLS or WOMEN ARE RAPED

Something that can greatly add to the shame and guilt felt by Girls and Women who are raped, is if their body responds with an orgasm.  This is most likely to happen if held over a period time, or any time the pain of forceable rape is low.  It is again a Natural response of the body, and can happen to her even when she is terrified, feeling horrified, and in mental anguish.

Many people falsely assume and ACCUSE women who experience an orgasm in rape that she must enjoy being raped, which is a disgusting and outrageous thing to say, or accuse a woman of.  Even worse is when the Rapist himself is taunting her with the fact.  Even other women can be judgmental about this when a woman is raped, but is again a natural body response. Different women will respond in different ways, and fear and terror can affect people differently.



FORCED CHANGING OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

Sexual Identity can actually be changed against one's nature, but it is debatable about how much so.  For example, a person who is primarily heterosexual, but secondarily homosexual or incidentally homosexual, could be forced into changing sexual identity to homosexual.

In prison, rape is common, BUT relationships are also common, typically stemming from "protector" and "protected" relationships.  It is NOT just a matter of sex.  Most human beings will crave and NEED intimacy to survive. Additionally, there is chemistry involved. The hormone "Oxytocin," is secreted by both sexes during orgasm. Oxytocin, is the key to monogamy and long-term attachment. It has also been dubbed the "cuddling" chemical, which also helps new mothers make milk and bond with their babies. The longer two men or two women are having sex, even just out of necessity, the more they will bond and form a loving relationship.

When Straight men are incarcerated for very long time periods, or for life, they engage in homosexual sex out of necessity.  Many of the smaller less strong men do not do so out of desire, but do so out of the need for protection from rape and violence from the general prison population. But over time, there is also a need for intimacy and bonding for both, helped by the hormone Oxytocin. These relationships can become strong and loving. But on release from prison, they revert back to heterosexual behavior.

Some women are so brutalized by men that they cannot bring themselves to ever be intimate with a man again, and sometimes cannot even bear the touch of a man. But they still have a need for intimacy and bonding. Which is why some women adopt a Lesbian lifestyle, despite being primarily heterosexual.  There needs to be enough homosexuality in her sexual spectrum to allow this to happen.  If you encounter a Man-Hating Lesbian who even discriminates against Gay men, chances are she became a Lesbian by choice, due to abuse at the hands of men.

It is easier for Straight women to become Lesbians or Bisexuals than it is for Straight men to become Gay or Bisexual.  This is because women can be sexually aroused by either gender, regardless of her biological sexual orientation. Male sexual arousal is driven by their biological sexual orientation. Therefore, conditions have to be more extreme for men to change their sexual identity.



ASEXUALITY

ASEXUALITY is when you permanently lack a Sex-Drive (Libido). Asexuality is not a Sexual Orientation. Asexual people have a Sexual Orientation, and can have Romantic Attraction and Desire for a person, but have no Sexual Drive. If you never desire sexual intimacy, and never feel sexual attraction or arousal to anyone or from fantasy, then you are Asexual. You are not Asexual if you abstain from sex due to a fear of intimacy or sex, or aversion to sex, for other intimacy issues, for religious reasons or for psychological reasons.  People who are Celibate-by-Choice or who are Autosexual are not Asexual.   [Autosexual: Those who prefer masturbation over partnered sex.]

You are either born Asexual, or it can happen later in life, from problems in the brain at birth or that develop later, due to injury to the brain, tumor, etc.

THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL:

TESTOSTERONE: Sexual Drive (Libido) is driven and regulated by Testosterone in both males & females. If you have a low or zero sex-drive, Testosterone levels should be checked.  If Testosterone is too low, Testosterone supplements can be used to regain your sex-drive [available in gels, underarms (like a deodorant), patches, etc.].

MEDICATIONS: Some Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants and antipsychotics, some hormonal contraceptives, opioids and beta blockers can suppress Libido, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).

PSYCHOLOGICAL:
Sexual libido can also be completely shut down for psychological reasons—this is not Asexuality. Some of these reasons can be obvious, and others more hidden and subtle.
    FEAR: Fear of Intimacy, fear of sex, fear of being hurt and fear of the emotions and vulnerability of sex can easily shut down Libido. This can be especially true if you have already been emotionally damaged in dating, or witnessed it in others. Most are not even conscious of this process.  You might fear AIDS or STDs. Body Shame can shut you down.
    STRESS, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY in your life can easily shut libido off in some people. This can happen from your home or school environment, from tragedies in your life, stress from growing up LGBTQ, a dysfunctional family, home problems, living with an addict, being bullied, pressure for grades and career, and physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE can also get shut down sexually.
THE ASEXUAL MASTURBATION PARADOX:
The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis.

When you truly have No Libido, you typically have no desire to masturbate—I experienced this when drug treatments shut down my libido—but one may sometimes do it to alleviate discomfort. However, some Asexual-identified people say that the mechanical process of masturbation gives them physical pleasure, without experiencing desire or using fantasy or pornography. Because sexual nerves are only one component of the sexual pleasure equation, nothing but mechanical masturbation yields a lot less perceived sensation, and thus it tends to happen less and less frequently over time.

Some people who only engage in masturbation, tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, and use sexual fantasy or pornography to masturbate, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, but this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.



©Matthew Barry 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014

Updated Section on Sexual Spectrums 01-29-14, & general clean-up of deviation after DA changed its HTML coding.


Where are you on the Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive, and Masculinity/Femininity?


Gender-Sexuality is a wide and continuous spectrum:
A Spectrum from 100% Heterosexual to 100% Homosexual and everything in-between,
A Spectrum from Male to Female to 3rd Gender and Transgender,
A Spectrum from Masculinity to Femininity and Effeminacy,
A Spectrum from No Sex Drive (Asexual) to a Very High Sex Drive (Hypersexuality).
EVERY HUMAN BEING IS A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THE ABOVE SPECTRUMS.

For some of us, the journey to understanding our nature, and then to find self-acceptance of it, can be a confusing and difficult quagmire, often fraught with angst and turmoil, especially when denial and/or internalized homophobia are involved.

When I was 11 years-old, I knew that I was different from other boys and that I liked boys the way I was supposed to like girls. I did not even know what sex was until age 19, but I dreamed of holding another boy in my arms and kissing him. I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12, just to be torn apart when he returned to the UK.

For me, it was the journey to self-acceptance and self-love, at a time when almost everyone felt you were better off dead than Gay, that was full of turmoil, guilt, shame, depression, and self-hatred, before I finally was able to overcome it all and find the freedom to love myself as a Gay man.

To better understand what your Sexual Identity is, it is a good idea to first understand the different aspects of human sexuality.

Almost nothing of value is taught about human sexuality in school. My purpose here was to give you enough information to better understand yourself, while also being very brief.

Feel free to contact me with questions.



GENDER & SEXUAL IDENTITY SYMBOLS (For the Image at Top of Page)

It is important to make a distinction between Symbols for an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S Gender & Sexual Identity, and for a RELATIONSHIP’S Gender & Sexual Identity.

Top Row
    1. Male Homosexuality (Gay) or Gay Relationship 2. Female Homosexuality (Lesbian) or Lesbian Relationship 3. Intersexual or Transgender Person 4. Heterosexual Person 5. Transgender Person
Bottom Row:
    1. Transgendered 2. Heterosexual Relationship 3. Male Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with Two Males & One Female 4. Female Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with One Male & Two Females 5. Intersexual or Hermaphroditic
Not Shown:
    1. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Males: Three Interlocking Mars Symbols 2. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Females: Three Interlocking Venus Symbols 3. Asexuality, Sexless or Genderless: Medium White Circle Base 4. Neuter: This is in fact the shape of the original (medieval) "Venus" symbol (depicting a hand mirror - a circle with a vertical line at the bottom).



You may also find some of my other GLBT writings to be of interest:

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must have made
 CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968
THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality
SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC
SODOM & GOMORRAH DESTROYED BY ASTEROID ON 6-29-3129 BCE
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 
 SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC

The Following are all Hot linked, just click on a title to go there:





Add a Comment:
 
:iconslippymagnus:
Inspired Creativity?
You are a genius, and if not, I'd only feel comfy letting you recieve the title "More Tolerant Than Most". I am impressed with your ability to Cull the Unknown from the Fact.

You have an obvious talent for explaining Human Psychology, physical and otherwise, but this really shines once you view it through anothers eyes. I was never curious about my own gender or anything like that, but i'm sure that people are. You having the Gonads (proverbial or no) to dispell the fog-of-war surrounding these issues is Enlightening and influential.

Go forth and continue updating, editing and expanding upon the ideas listed inside of this "paper".... I'm off to go re-read this monster.

Ciao!
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:iconbluedude67:
Besides one technical error (at the top of where is says "within all of those spectrum, every combination is possible" was a little confusing. I wasn't sure what you meant or what those combinations were. this was very well written. It has helped me with thinking about everything I am and not only focusing on the Sex. I want to thank you for writing this, something so long must have been very hard.

The part where you are talking about sexuality and Sexual identity was a little confusing, the bisexual part might need a little more work. I think some more info, or details with the levels, also could be called labels, would be very helpful. I didn't completely understand your differences between Bisexual and "primarily gay secondary straight. Nor what incidentally straight/gay meant.

You did a fair job with the asexual, however maybe a supportive piece could be added or just add more info on why they are like that and how to "deal with it" or some more info on the way in which they are asexual but still in relationships.

OH! and the part about fantasies being about non-sexual things was a huge eye opener for me.

Overall well done and thank you for posting this.
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:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Writer
This is SO useful! Not just for comic ideas but for understanding life itself! Thank you for also leaving the link for God and homosexuality. I will definitely read it. Question though. What about pansexuality? In my comic I have a lead character who is pansexual. The other characters ask him what that means and he has to explain it, but from what I'VE understood, pansexual means you like everything (trans, bui, gay, straight, lesbian, etc). Now is what I'm understanding correct or no? I REALLY don't want to be wrong on this cause I could run the risk of insulting my readers.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, Actually, your definition of Pansexual is not correct.

But first, as an author, if you use an obscure label like Pansexual, it is indeed a good idea for you to define it for the reader, especially in this case, because as you have seen, there are variations in how it is defined on the internet.

Below, I will cover the following topics:
    :bulletblue: PANSEXUALITY DEFINED
    :bulletyellow: TRANSGENDER
    :bulletorange: SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES
    :bulletpink: EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON
    :bulletred: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?
    :bulletpurple: UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

PANSEXUALITY DEFINED

IMPORTANT NOTE: To understand Pansexuality fully, please read the explanations of Transgender and other Gender Identities further below. I give a ‘Pansexual Example’ below as well.

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is when you are have the ‘potential’ to be attracted to and desire people of both biological genders and all Gender Identities visually, romantically and sexually, and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people1. Some Pansexuals say that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.  

Pansexuality differs from Bisexuality in that Pansexuals are not just attracted sexually to males and females, but also to other gender identities.  For example, Transgender is just one of the Gender Identities, and even ‘Transgender’ has many variations.

1 I added the, “and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people,” to the definition, for the following reasons:

Bisexuality & Pansexuality do not mean you have 'some' attraction for both genders or to other Gender Identities, because if that were true, over 90% of the human population would be Bisexual or Pansexual. Sexual Orientation is on a spectrum, therefore almost every human being has 'some' attraction to both genders, but it might be so small it is not noticed, or not enough to act on (ask for date, have sex with).

Bisexuals and Pansexuals are people who can Romantically and sexually desire both genders and be able to have a fulfilling relationship with both genders.  There are people who are capable of having sex with both genders and maybe even enjoy having sex with both genders, but only feel fulfilled in a relationship with one gender. I have seen this many times, just as I have seen people have sex with others outside their sexual orientation, like a Gay man have sex with a woman.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Some young people can confuse GENDER NONCONFORMITY and Transgender, which is why they need time to fully development to know for sure. Gender Nonconformity is seen when a girl is a tomboy, wanting to play with boys & their toys, dress like boys, and otherwise identify in masculine ways; or seen in boys who want to play with girls and their toys, dress like girls and otherwise identify with girls.  However, this can vary in degree from a little to a lot.

What is important to understand is that some of these kids turn out to be heterosexual, although the majority turn out to be a Sexual Minority. To understand this, remember the Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum.  Straight men can be effeminate and straight women can be masculine.  Some of these children may wonder if they are Transgender, like a girl who is a tomboy

TRANSGENDER: To understand what Pansexual means, you must understand what Transgender and other Gender Identities means. Transgender basically means that your gender expression does not match your biological gender. A Transgender person feels trapped in the wrong gender body, like they are in an alien body, usually from a very young age.  However, there can be different degrees of how alienated a person feels, from just enough to realize he or she is Transgender, to intense feelings of needing to get Sexual Reassignment or die trying. We identify a Transgender person by the gender of his or her Brain, not his or her Body.

A Transgender person is either a Female Brain trapped in a Male body, or Male Brain trapped in a Female body. What is significant is that the BRAIN can be either Homosexual, Heterosexual or Bisexual, regardless of the gender of the body.

Some Transgender people choose to get partial to full Sexual Reassignment, via Hormone treatments, or Hormone treatments and/or surgery. If a man only gets hormone treatments but keeps her penis, she is a ’SheMale.’ I have also heard of men who had their penis turned into a vagina, but got no hormone treatments (to look like man in society, but have a vagina). Women can also go through partial to full sexual reassignment.  She can do hormone treatment, have breast reduction surgery (or not), but not have the vagina turned into a penis.  A person can identify as Transgender and never get any Sexual Reassignment treatments or surgery.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A Transgender person can be ANY Sexual Orientation. What happens is the the brain sexes-out in the mother’s womb as one gender and the body sexes-out as the opposite gender.

A Male to Female Transgender = A Female Brain in a Male body.
    • If she is attracted to women only, then she is a Lesbian, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If she is attracted to Men only, then she is Straight, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Gay to other people.
    • Or she is attracted to both men and women, then she be Bisexual.
A Female to Male Transgender = A Male Brain in a Female body.
    • If he is attracted to men only, then he is Gay, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If he is attracted to Women only, then he is Straight, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Lesbian to other people.
    • Or he is attracted to both men and women, then he is Bisexual.

SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES:
    Fa’afafine: In some Polynesian societies, fa'afafine are considered to be a "third gender" alongside male and female. They are biologically male, but dress and behave in a manner considered typically female. According to Tamasailau Sua'ali'i (see references), fa'afafine in Samoa at least are often physiologically unable to reproduce. Fa'afafine are accepted as a natural gender, and neither looked down upon nor discriminated against. The Samoan Prime Minister is patron of the Samoa Fa'afafine Association.

    Hijra: In the culture of the Indian subcontinent, a hijra is usually considered to be neither a man nor a woman. Most are biologically male or intersex, but some are biologically female. The hijra form a third gender, although they do not enjoy the same acceptance and respect as males and females in their cultures. They can run their own households, and their occupations are singing and dancing, working as cooks or servants, sometimes prostitutes (for men), or long-term sexual partners for men. Hijras can be compared to transvestites or drag queens of contemporary western culture.

    Third Gender: The terms third gender and third sex describe individuals who are categorized (by their will or by social consensus) as neither man nor woman, as well as the social category present in those societies who recognize three or more genders.

    Two-Spirit: Indigenous North Americans who fulfill one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women.

    Xanith: The xanith form an accepted third gender in Oman, a gender-segregated society. The xanith are male homosexual prostitutes whose dressing is male, featuring pastel colors (rather than white, worn by men), but their mannerisms female. Xanith can mingle with women, and they often do at weddings or other formal events. Xaniths have their own households, performing all tasks (both male and female). However, similarly to men in their society, xaniths can marry women, proving their masculinity by consummating the marriage. Should a divorce or death take place, these men can revert to their status as xaniths at the next wedding.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON:
A Pansexual male or female would visually, romantically and sexually be attracted to and desire a SheMale (male who had hormone treatments, has breasts, but retains her penis), or to an M-F Transgender (a biological male who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or a F-M Transgender (a biological female who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or any of the other Gender Identities, some of which I show bellow:.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?:

The only real way you can know you are Pansexual is if you have actually experience visual, romantic and sexual attraction and desire for a number of different Transgender and Gender Identities.

It is one thing to ‘believe’ that you would have these attractions to all of the different Transgender and Gender Identities, and it is another thing to actually experience such desires and attractions.

I suspect that a lot of young people identifying as Pansexual are doing so with the assumption, or hope, or desire that they can be Pansexual, without actually knowing if they are.

You know if you are gay when you start experiencing visual, romantic and sexual attractions and desires for those of your gender and not for those of the opposite gender.  Otherwise we would have no way of knowing we are Gay or Lesbian. It is like when I have had girls as young as 11 tell me they think they might be Asexual, because they feel not sexual attractions to boys or girls, but they are simply too young yet to have those feelings, so identifying as Asexual would be a false identity.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS:

I think it is very important to understand that the boundaries for Sexual identity Labels are very arbitrary.  As you read in my deviation, every human being has a Gender/Sexual Identity comprised of 4 Spectrums: Gender, Sexual Orientation, Masculinity/Femininity & Libido.  Each person can be anywhere on each of the Spectrums.

Also, it is worth noting that Transgender and Asexuality are NOT Sexual Orientations.  Transgender is on the Gender Spectrum and Asexuality and Hypersexuality are on the Libido Spectrum.

If you are 80% Gay & 20% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 75% Gay and 25% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 70% Gay and 30% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 60% Gay and 40% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you? When we say a person is Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual, or Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual, or Primarily Heterosexual/Secondarily Homosexual, where are cutoff points when one label becomes another label?  We each choose where we think we are on the spectrum.  Where we see ourselves on the spectrum can change over time, as we learn more about ourselves and experience more relationships with people.  Our Sexual Orientation never changes, but our Sexual Identity can change.  It is not easy for many young people to figure out what their Sexual Identity is.  Some don't figure it out until well into their 20s.

I do not like Sexual labels.  When we see LGBT, or LGBTQ, or GLBTTSSQQI2, there is no way to include the many, many labels people have thought up to describe themselves, labels that the vast majority of the human population have no idea what they mean.  This is why I try to be more inclusive by saying Sexual Minorities.   I have a list of some 45 Sexual Identity Labels, one of which is Pansexual.  the vast majority of the Sexual Minority Community have no idea what Pansexual means.  99% or less of the human race has no idea what Pansexual means, or most of the other labels.

If I say I am a Gay man, most people make a LOT of bad assumptions about who I am.  That label tells very little about who I am, and misleads many.  Labels mislead others because labels OBJECTIFY people, it strips away humanity and turns you into an object that represents different things to different people.  For example, the label of ‘Gay man’ tells many Christians that he is a child molester, sexual pervert sinner, promiscuous, unable to love and countless other lies.  Even is the Sexual Minority Community, many assumptions are made by using ‘Gay.’  Therefore, what I am saying is that Labeling ourselves and other people has a big downside.  So, I caution getting too carried away with Labels.

We seek to label ourselves to get a sense of self-identity, about what tribe we belong to. When you are in a minority you can feel alone, outcast.  For me, finding the Gay Community was like finding a new family and it became my tribe.  When I was growing up, the Gay Community was underground and to be outed was the worst thing that could happen to you, often resulting in loss of your career, loss of family and friends, and too often, loss of your life.  Finding the Gay Community meant I was no longer alone.  It is my hope that eventually we will all belong to one tribe, and Gender/Sexual Identity will be no different from having different eye or hair color.


— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

I hope this answers your question.  Please feel free to ask any other questions.
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:iconegoff99:
egoff99 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014
Thanks for an informative piece on this when asking/learning about sexuality is so often taboo in modern society, as a highschooler just beginning to see different ideas in the world (and finding that they make more sense than what I was raised on, in many cases), I find that it's difficult to learn about controversial subjects without offending someone. So, for whatever a "child's" words are worth, thank you.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
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:icongothicanimegirl:
GothicAnimeGirl Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Student Writer
I think you should check your asexuality facts with those on AVEN.  I don't think you quite understand us, which is okay because a lot of people outside our small community are like that.
Also, we tend to notice that romantic orientation is not the same as sexual orientation as you seem to think it is.  Such as the bisexual woman who according to you identifies as a lesbian, we would classify her as a bisexual homoromantic because she is sexually attracted to both sexes but only romantically attracted to girls.
Another point I would like to make is that any asexual who likes to masturbate can still be an asexual, just one with a libito.  You seem to think this is impossible, but asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, not desire for sexual stimulation.
Also, I'm pretty sure pansexuals would be insulted to read this.  I believe you should check your facts on them, if only watch Arielle's videos on the subject on Youtube.

Besides these things, I loved it.  You are certainly more informed than most people and this was worth the read.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner May 5, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, Thank you.  I think that much of what you talk about is really around how we choose to label things.  I actually do know the entire spectrum of how people choose to define Asexuality, but as you have seen in your own research, there is a huge number of different socio-political groups of people who choose to label themselves as various forms of Asexuality. Some would agree with what you wrote and some would disagree with what you wrote. The first problem I ran into with this deviation, around asexuality, is that it hit the maximum allowed characters for a Text Deviation on DA. I could author it to a PDF, but I have not had the time and I fear it would be too big for young people to be willing to read.  The other problem is that the Asexual Community has no central agreement of definitions of Asexuality, and as you look from one association to another, web page to web page, there is wide disagreement.  In other words, it was impossible to go into depth around the subject of Asexuality, in the total number of characters I was limited to.  I had to choose what was most important for the largest numbers of young people. Asexual people on DA complained to me about not enough coverage about asexuality, so I had to delete other material to squeeze in a section on it (rather than a short paragraph), using the most accepted definition of Asexuality in the psychological community.  I had hoped to find the time to do an entire deviation on all of the various ways that people choose to define Asexuality, but my health has been deteriorating. 

PURPOSE OF THIS DEVIATION: This deviation is NOT designed to define all aspects of human sexuality.  My sole purpose was to help as many young people as possible who are struggling to understand what they are feeling and what it means.  While my sexuality was clear to me at a very young age, it is not clear or easy to understand for most youth who are not 'completely Heterosexual' or completely Homosexual.'  I wanted to emphasize how human sexuality is only various spectrums, rather than in defined boundaries, and that no matter where they are on these different spectrums, they are Ok.  I also wanted to emphasize that all that matters is who and how you ultimately choose to share your life with romantically, or otherwise. The idea is to simplify the process of Self-Identity. There are many, many things that can confuse young people about their identity or lead them to false assumptions about their Identity, so I put a lot of time into covering those things.  Pornography, dreams, experiences, a best friend, abuse, etc, can all confuse the issue.  This was what this deviation was all about.  It is aimed at the majority of young people in the spectrum between completely Gay and completely Straight.  The larger the deviation got, the more afraid I got that fewer would read it. Then I hit the limit and had to start editing things out.

When an 11-year-old girl contacts me to say she feels no sexual desires at all, and asks me if that makes her an Asexual, I told her, "No, it is far too early to tell," and then went into detail. Would you or others in your community say yes, she is asexual? Technically she meets the criteria, but in reality she is simply not old enough to have entered into puberty yet and start to develop her sexuality.  Some girls and boys are late bloomers up into their mid to late teens, not developing any sexual desire until far later than others, but this does not make them asexual by mainstream definition.

I have also seen a number of people into their 20's who were raised in an environment of Christian/Muslim shame and guilt around sexuality, which completely suppressed their sexuality—would you call them Asexual?  If have seen rape victims and long-term victims of incest that completely shuts them down sexually—would you call them Asexual?  Once they receive treatment, they regain their normal sexuality.  What about a person who is married to another person who shuts down sexually (for medical or psychological reason), resulting in the other partner being unable to be sexual for the rest of his or her life (unless they cheat)—would you call them Asexual, even though they very much want to be sexual and are tortured by not being able to be sexual?  I am losing my ability to be sexual, due to health problems.  When I lose the ability to have sex, does this make me Asexual?  If I then lose all libido as well as the ability to have sex, does this make me asexual?  Is a Catholic Priest asexual? The answers to these questions all depend on which Asexual person you talk to, but common sense will easily give most people the answers that society as a whole believe. 

DEFINING ASEXUALITYAsexuality is not a Sexual Orientation, it is a description of where a person is on the Libido Spectrum, from Asexuality on one end of the spectrum, to Hypersexuality at the other end.  It is possible that a person who is asexual may not feel a pull towards any particular Sexual Orientation or gender, due to a total lack of libido, but it does not mean that they do not have a Sexual Orientation.  It is also very possible, if not typical, for an Asexual person to feel Romantic desire/attraction, which brings us back to Sexual Orientation (discussed further below).

You said that a person with a libido can be Asexual, but if you look in the dictionary, under Asexual (noun), it says, "A person who has no sexual feelings or desires," which means a person without libido (sex drive/sex energy). I can see having many various different forms of that definition, but you and others are defining Asexuality as a completely different thing.  Anyone can do this of course, and if/when you eventually get the vast majority of people who are labeling themselves as Asexual, and the rest of society, to agree with your definition, then it will become the new definition.  Of all Sexual Minority groups, those using the Asexual label are the only ones where the vast majority of the group have no single consensus for a definition. There is sharp disagreement on a large number of various different definitions of asexuality within the Asexual community, and people in that community can get rather heating with each other over it (as I have directly observed).

To cover all of the various socio-political definitions of Asexual would be a daunting task, one you might like to take on yourself, but be prepared to be attacked by other asexual people who disagree with you.  People can choose to label themselves however they wish, and even make up new labels whenever they want. Some people, who choose to abstain from sex, call themselves asexual, but that does not make them asexual based on the most widely accepted definitions of asexuality.  Some people who define themselves as Asexual masturbate to pornography. I could go on and on.  Many people call themselves 'Asexual' for various reasons and it is not for me to tell them how they should or should not choose to label themselves.   We already have huge numbers of labels covering every possible combination of human sexuality/romance/libido, and I am sure more and more will still be created.  For some reason, some people want to Micro-Label themselves, which I think is sad, but certainly their right.

PANSEXUALITY & OTHER SEXUAL LABELS:  I am fine with throwing away all of the human sexuality labels, such as Gay, Straight and Bi. The labels do not define me at all, nor say anything at all about who I am. Human sexuality, in all of its aspects, such as Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity, are continuous analog spectrums, but humans keep trying to break these spectrums into tidy boxes, and that is impossible to do.   It is bad enough having to use the Sexual labels we already have.  Gay, Straight, Bisexual have no defined boundaries. Now people come along and want to add a hundred more labels to slice and dice it all up into even more boxes.  All it does is falsify human sexuality by trying to put a rainbow spectrum in many little defined boxes to suit their own agenda.  Faggot is a label, just like Gay is, only one is used to insult and discriminate against people, and one is used to rally pride behind, which is all about social-politics, not sexuality.  What purpose is served to have over a hundred different labels to describe human sexuality?  We are what we are.  We should take pride in who we are, not in some label you wrap yourself in.

We are a label-oriented society, which is a bad thing.  Young people especially seem to want to attach labels to themselves, to pigeon-hole themselves in neat boxes.  Labels cannot and do not say much about who or what we are, but they do act as a deceptive short-cut.  The trouble is that these labels result in people making many large false and inaccurate assumptions about us.  If I say I am a 58-year-old Gay White Male, people will immediately make vast and sweeping assumptions about me, almost of which will be absolutely false.  A Pansexual person contacted me about not being included in this deviation, then explained what it meant, and directed me to a few web-pages. I then added the short definition I was given. Then I kept getting contacted by other people with their own labels wanting to be included in the deviation.  But as I delved into the many different Sexual/Romantic/Socio-political labels, I realized that there was no way to include them all.  They were all just Micro-labels, variations of the same themes, or sometimes a different perspective, and they only added to confusion, not clarifying anything.

I wanted to simplify things for young people, to make it EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THEIR IDENTITY, not completely confuse them with a hundred different labels to choose from, when all I wanted to do was to help them understand and accept who they are.  They do not meet a ton of labels to do that. 

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO, or WHO YOU HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE.  This is fundamental to my research, education and life experience working with a very large number of Sexual minority people.  It is normal for people to have sex with someone of a gender that does not match the Sexual Orientation they have identified with.  It is not uncommon (statistically) for Straight men to have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, and Straight women to have sex with women, and so on.  The greater majority of the human population experiences some level of attraction to both genders, although for most it does not rise to a level they would act on.  There are many a gay man or woman who married someone of the opposite gender and even had children. A gay man once told me that he loved his wife, but not romantically, more like a best friend.  

You said"Also, we tend to notice that romantic orientation is not the same as sexual orientation as you seem to think it is.  Such as the bisexual woman who according to you identifies as a lesbian, we would classify her as a bisexual homoromantic because she is sexually attracted to both sexes but only romantically attracted to girls."  Despite how you choose to label the people in your example, the ones I have know throughout my lifetime do not agree with your label.  I have listened to what people say about their own identity, and I still do.  I am not saying your choice of label is wrong, but it is meaningless if the vast majority of human beings on planet earth do not use such a label.

Bisexual Homoromantic
vs Bisexuality:  From what I see, you can use the definition I have given, or you can add a new class of labels to refine down the larger label, but why?  Bisexuality cannot possibly be defined as, 'Any person who has any attraction to both genders,' as that would include the greater majority of all human beings.  The definition of Bisexuality that I gave comes from the definition of Sexual Orientation in general (as stated in bold above), and it matches the vast majority of the Sexual Minority people I have known and counseled in my lifetime:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In real life practical application, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

But if you want to label one instance as Bisexual Homoromantic and other instances with other labels, all you are arguing about is how to label something and how deeply you want to slice down the labels into finer detail.  I think you will find that the vast majority of humans on this planet will not be using your labels, as it is overcomplicated and confusing. As we get older, we tend to not want to be boxed-in by labels, or define ourselves by labels.  It is like arguing over what to call a Lemon Meringue pie, what defines it as a Lemon Meringue pie, and how it should be sliced up.  It seems much ado over nothing.

PEOPLE BEING INSULTED: One has to take for granted that anything you say in public, no matter how benevolent, will have some people take insult from it.  This is because some people like to feel indignant rage over perceived insult, even when no one insulted them.  It makes them feel special, victimized, and anger/rage feels empowering, but poison you, rotting you from the inside out.

I grew up and lived through the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, the years of horrible homophobia and discrimination that goes far beyond anything you could possible imagine, then slowly improving, but still bad, in the 1980s and 1990s.  When I was a boy, there was no being OUT, as that meant death.  I first tried to kill myself at age 13, came close at age 16, planned it out at age 18, had a gun in my mouth at age 24, and barely survived an attempt at age 34.  When I came-out to my mother, she told me that she would rather me dead than a disgusting pervert (she eventually accepted me).  If a man was 'outed' he had his name, address and phone number published in the newspaper, he lost his entire career, professional licenses, his family, freinds and life as he knew it. It resulted in either suicide or existing in one of the few Gay ghettos in the larger cities.  Gay men did not have relationships because it was far to dangerous to live together. There was sexual promiscuity because it was the only way to have any intimacy in your life.  I was the victim of violence and even rape. I was able to eventually escape the fate of many because right out of the Maritime Academy, I got a job for a company thousands of miles away, who flew me to join ships around the world. I was able to live with a man and have a long-term relationship. Every single day in the Academy and out at sea, my life was in danger, because there was zero doubt theta my shipmates would kill me if they found out about me, became it happened to others.  You do not know what it is like to spend over 30 years living in fear.  I was raised in a strict Catholic family, well trained in the art of shame and guilt.  My priest told us altar boys, "If a boy is attracted to another boy, he is an abomination in the eyes of God and will burn for all eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna."

My point to you is that those of us who have actually suffered with prolonged bigotry and discrimination, do not tend to be insulted easily.  You in face of great adversity, you learn what is important and what is not, shot to focus on and what to let go of.  If you want to wrap yourself in special labeling, by all means do so. I would never judge anyone negatively for such things. But I would urge you to focus more on simply loving yourself for who you are.  If someone desires to know more about who you are, you can avoid the label and share yourself in great detail so that the other person comes to know you and hopefully accept and love you for who you are.  Labels distract and lead to false assumptions.

My message to young people is to first understand what your feelings (or lack thereof) mean, understanding that they are Ok, and accept and love yourselves as you are.  I feel forced to use the labels I did use, to help explain where people may lie on the various spectrums, but also trying to emphasize that they are spectrums.  I was trying to show people that in the end it is just a matter who you want to share your life with, and how.

All the best,  Matthew
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:icongothicanimegirl:
GothicAnimeGirl Featured By Owner May 11, 2014  Student Writer
Your asexuality definition is definitely bold.  We ARE a sexual orientation and we ARE NOT a position on the libito spectrum.  Someone who is celibate is not asexual.  As you mentioned yourself, someone who is straight who has sex with men isn't gay.  The same can be said of asexuals.  We don't have sexual attraction, which you don't seem to understand.  Everyone I have talked to or read about who is serious about defining themselves as asexual has never felt this either.  A few still enjoy sex and aren't celibate, but there are some (like me) who do not like it at all.  Just as there are some straight people who love sex and some who are okay with having it once a month or so.  You're not "more asexual" even if you're aromantic, because we're not a libito or romantic spectrum, we're a label covering a variety of spectrums.

And I would like to repeat this to you ROMANTIC ATTRACTION AND SEXUAL ATTRACTION ARE NOT THE SAME , though for sexuals they may tend to go together.  I understand your confusion, but it's insulting to me personally for you to keep insisting this.  The problem with using people you've talked to (the same goes for me btw) is that the majority of people don't understand asexuality at all, and even less understand this difference.  Even my boyfriend barely understands, and I've explained it to him multiple times.  That is why a bisexual biromantic is not the same as a bisexual homoromantic.  Romantic doesn't equal sexual, and if you keep insisting that they're the same then you've personally ostracized every asexual and have no say on the matter of our label and should stop using it entirely.

While I agree that we shouldn't divide people by labels, I think it is important to because our society will ignore you if you don't have a label.  You don't seem insanely displeased with your chosen label, or else you wouldn't bother labeling yourself such.  My labeling method (and one recognized by many others) is only complicated because you choose to think it is.  All it does is add an extra word to a sexual label, with the same prefixes you'd use for sexualities.  It's not complicated unless someone doesn't understand big words.  I identify as asexual and biromantic, and you identify as homosexual and homoromantic.  Not hard, was it?

And while I have not been personally victimized because I am lucky enough to have been born white in the 90s, my sexuality is ignored by people like you and we're insulted when we come out because of misunderstandings like this.  Many sexuals don't like us because they think we're making a big deal out of nothing, or want to feel special.  Many LGBT+ members don't think we belong because we aren't sexual, but not all of us (including me) fit the straight label either.  My boyfriend thinks that my aversion to sex will disappear if I have sex with him.  These are horrible assumptions that exist, and I am lucky that I haven't been raped to "fix me".  Every negative label applied to lesbians for not being attracted to men or to gay men about not being attracted to women can be applied to us.  "You just haven't had s good experience", "What's wrong with you", "You're just repressed", "Were you raped/abused as a child", etc.  While this day and age is better with trying to "correct" people's sexualities, there are still the assumptions.  You may have experience the fear for your life, I fear the rejection by my entire world because I am recognized by just around 1% of the population as existing.  That's pretty painful.  At least by being attacked/threatened for your sexuality, people didn't deny you entirely.  When you came out you were called a pervert.  When I come out I'm called a liar, an exaggerator, a drama queen, or inexperienced.  Even my friends who helped me find my label don't understand and think it's a phase.  All of us have thought about suicide once or twice, and in my case the only thing stopping me from committing it is because I'm a coward.  Maybe when I hit 24 I'll have the gun in my mouth like you did, but people like you who deny what I am certainly doesn't help prevent that.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP LOVE & ROMANTIC LOVE?

The dictionary makes no differentiation about what kind of love is involved in romantic love, simply saying: • Feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love; • Relating to love, esp. in a sentimental or idealized way.

What is the difference between Friendship Love and Romantic Love?  I loved my best friend in some ways more than I did my husband, but I had zero sexual or romantic attraction to him.  Best freinds can have a very deep and committed bond of love and even live together much of their lives.  I have seen this.  So what makes Love Romantic?  It is not commitment, because you can have that between freinds. It is not sense of family, since you can have that with a best friend or friends. Best freinds can even raise children together, but it does not make it romantic love, or does it?

Sociologically and historically, romantic love is associated with sexual attraction and a desire to share their lives together over the long-term. While sex may disappear during the relationship, it has almost always been part of the initial falling-in-romantic love process.  Sex is not a necessary component to maintain romantic love, but its absence often causes failure of the relationship.  I can attest that a romantic relationship can be maintained for decades without sex, although some level of desire is usually present.

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION vs SEXUAL ATTRACTION?

These really amount to the same things, except for sexual arousal.  An Asexual person may experience no sexual arousal when meeting some people, but typically they will be specifically attracted to some people.  This attraction is based on a number of genetic and environmental factors.  For example, we are generally attracted to those with an opposite Major Histocompatibility Complex (MHC) which is expressed through our pheromones.

For Asexual people, they will get no sexual arousal, but they will typically feel some level of attraction, and if there are a number of other components of attraction present, such as personality traits and physical traits, and even the timber and pitch of a voice, it all come together to determine how much you are attracted to a person.  There are too many different aspects of attraction to cover now.

Even straight people are attracted to members of the same gender based on many of these same factors, and these might become freinds.

Conclusion: The only difference between Physical and Sexual attraction is sexual arousal.  But otherwise it is all about the same.

Factoid: While Making-Love, the hormone Oxytocin is released, which promotes long-term bonding.


ROMANTIC ATTRACTION & SEXUAL ATTRACTION ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT THE SAME

Before you talk about the difference between Romantic Attraction/Love and Sexual Attraction, you have to define what those terms mean.

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION: Technically, no one is ever initially romantically attracted to anyone.   I use ‘Romantic Attraction’ as a shortcut for saying a person Desiring and Looking for Romantic Love (and able to experience and maintain Romantic Love).

SEXUAL ATTRACTION: This is Physical Attraction plus Sexual Arousal.

I have read through my previous comment to you and I never said, “Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same”, but you apparently inferred it incorrectly.  Of course they are not the same.  They almost always go together, but sometimes one is missing.  I mentioned that Asexual people can have Romantic/Physical Attractions and Relationships without feeling sexual desire or attraction. I also mentioned that people who are sexually attracted to both genders might only be romantically attracted to one gender. You might be sexually attracted to both genders and only romantically attracted to one gender. I also said was that Sexual Orientation is all about who you Romantically Love.

However, I have never seen anyone who was ONLY Sexually attracted to one gender, with no romantic attraction to that gender, PLUS ONLY Romantically attracted to the other gender, with no sexual attraction to that gender, at the same time.  For example, I have never seen a man who was only sexually attracted to men, with no romantic attraction to men, PLUS he is only romantically attracted to women, with no sexual attraction to women, or any other such combinations of genders.



ASEXUALITY IS NOT A SEXUAL ORIENTATION — REFERENCES:

First, I pointed out that someone who is celibate is NOT asexual (you seemed to think I said the opposite), but there are some people who identify themselves as Asexual who actively chose to be celibate.  So who do you believe?   You have various associations of Asexual people who define Asexuality in different ways, plus various asexual website where it is defined differently, plus the many individuals who identify themselves as Asexual, but don’t match any of the more popular variations of definitions.

There are even those who claim that Asexuality is a disorder, but luckily few agree.  If someone loses sexual libido due to physiological disorder, from things like extreme shaming by extremest Christians, Muslims or other religious extremists, or through sexual abuse, rape or incest, then they are not technically not Asexual, unless of course various groups wish to classify them that way.

You assert that Asexuality IS a Sexual Orientation, but you are only speaking for a segment of the Asexual community and you most certainly do not speak for the scientific community (Sexology/Psychology/Sociology).

In Sexological, Psychological and Sociological accepted practices and definitions, Asexuality is NOT a distinct Sexual Orientation at all, and would require redefining the term ‘Sexual Orientation’ to make Asexuality a Sexual Orientation.   Some asexual people, via the internet, have chosen to very broadly redefine Asexuality for themselves, and maybe they will eventually manage to change the scientific definitions governing human sexuality, and if they do, it will be for political reasons, not scientific ones. But for now, it is not currently accepted in professional circles.  

Some Sociology research is being done to determine how many Asexual people identify Asexuality as a separate Sexual Orientation.

You might find this article from Psychology Today of interest ASEXUALS: Who Are They and Why Are They Important? | Psychology Today

Here is a quote from, Asexuality.org defining an asexual as "a person who does not experience sexual attraction." This is a definition about desire—how you feel, and not about sexual behavior—how you act.

Asexuality (or Nonsexuality) is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity.1, 2, 3
1. "Toward a conceptual understanding of asexuality". "Review of General Psychology" 10 (3) 241–250. Retrieved 31 August 2007. Bogaert, Anthony F. (2006).

2. Asexuality is a condition characterized by a low interest in sex: Kelly, Gary F. (2004). "Chapter 12". Sexuality Today: The Human Perspective (7 ed.). McGraw-Hill. p. 401. ISBN "9780072558357"

3. "Asexuality: Classification and Characterization" Prause, Nicole; Cynthia A. Graham (August 2004).  "Archives of Sexual Behavior" 36 (3): 341–356. doi: "10.1007/s10508-006-9142-3". PMID "17345167".
The Bogaert study and the existence of an online support group called the Asexuality and Visibility Network has sparked several articles in the media on the topic. Most of these stories explored the possibility that asexuality is a new sexual orientation. That’s an assertion many sexuality experts dismiss.4

“Just because someone calls themselves an asexual doesn’t mean that they are asexual in the scientific definition of the term,” said Leonard R. DeRogatis, PhD, director of the Center for Sexual Health and Medicine at Johns Hopkins University. “It doesn’t mean that they don’t have a sex drive, it just means that they are choosing not use it.”4

Marty Klein, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and publisher of Sexual Intelligence., agrees. “Every clinician has seen people with no interest in sex, sometimes lifelong,” he said. “Some have been exploited; some have personality disorders; some are terrified of their own sexuality; some are, well, just not interested in sex.”4

Neither DeRogatis nor Klein believes asexuality deserves special recognition (both are famous for their research into human sexuality). “No, it’s not a sexual orientation,” DeRogatis said.4

Some believe that Asexuality can be considered the LACK of a Sexual Orientation.4
4. Melby, Todd (November 2005). "Asexuality gets more attention, but is it a sexual orientation?". Contemporary Sexuality 39 (11): 1, 4–5. ISSN "1094-5725"1. Archived from the original on 29 Jun 2012. Retrieved 20 November 2011
I could toss out many more references, but I think we both know we will never see eye-to-eye on this subject, so perhaps we can just agree that we disagree.

Why in the world does it make any difference if Asexuality is classified as a Sexual Orientation?  Why be insulted by it? It changes nothing, it has no difference in social standing.  This is more about sexual politics than anything else.  I would prefer using only one designation of SEXUAL MINORITIES to describe anyone who does not fit statistical mean of of sexuality, be it about gender, sexual orientation, libido, and so on.  All you are arguing about is how to slice up the political sexual pie. Why the need to slap a special label on ourselves and shout it out to the world?  I live fully open as who I am and never attempt to hide who I am, but I also feel no need to stand on a roof-top with a megaphone.

SEXUAL LABELS

The trouble with your labeling system and that of many others on the internet is that the vast majority of human beings on this planet have no idea what you are talking about.  Pretty much every day of life for the past 24 years has been working with young people, and very, very few ever use alternative labeling systems and don’t even know or care what they mean, especially boys.  Most simply want to understand their own nature, and find a way to love and accept themselves.  In conclusion, I am not one to give you any grief over your labeling, such as biromantic, homoromantic, and the many, many others, if it held you and others feel better about yourselves.

WIDESPREAD BIGOTRY IN THE SEXUAL MINORITY COMMUNITY

There is widespread bigotry on out community, the largest of which is younger against older, followed by bigotry against bisexuals.  There is also plenty of bigotry between gays and lesbians, between hyper-masculine and effeminate (both gay and lesbian), against straight people, man-hater lesbians, and those against Asexual people.  So please, do not feel singled out as an Asexual.  There is plenty of bigotry to go around.  Bigotry is the human condition.  Humans will always find some way to be bigoted.  It helps people feel SUPERIOR to others.  Also, much of Bigotry is based in Ignorance.

The problem with Asexuality is that even the Asexual community is all over the place in defining themselves.  How can you expect to hope to educate a population when few agree.  You use an asexual web site to define from, but of corse there are other divergent websites and the Scientific community all with their own definitions.

The Asexual Community want to be all inclusive for the many different people wanting to label themselves as Asexual, but this results in the word ASEXUAL being watered down to a meaningless word.

The best the Asexual Community can do to fight bigotry is to have a UNIFIED and reasonably SIMPLE way of describing it to the world.  People do not have much of an attention span.  You have to be able to deliver you message in a quick and simple way, then if others are interested, they can look up the details. Just my thoughts on it.  I know what I have been doing for the majority of my life, going against a society who did not see murdering fags as a crime.  Just 10 years ago, 50% of all boys who killed themselves or attempted to kill themselves were Gay, Bisexual or Transgender.

Asexual bigotry in the general Population may end up being one of the last of the Sexual Minority groups to be understood by most people.  It all depends if REAL sexual education ever takes place, where every form of human sexuality is discussed.  this would give widespread understanding.  Trying to do it through students alone, like the Straight/Gay alliances, has been a long and slow road, but helpful nevertheless.

BEING INSULTED

I could be insulted by some of what you have said, but I choose to believe that you mean no insulted, so how can I feel insulted.  If you have no evidence that the other person means to insult you, why would you feel insulted? With some people it is obvious that their intent is to harm, to insult, to store up your emotions.  I have found that when you respond to it, you give such people exactly what they want.  I get attacked by Christians for my papers on the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible.  These people want to make you feel hurt and upset, so I laugh at them, just like you do to any bully.

But most of the time, we are dealing with people who simply disagree with us, without intent to harm or upset or insult.

Many people choose to see themselves as victims and take insult easily.  They are the people others try to avoid, except for those like them.

YOUR BOYFRIEND

I do not know either of you, but there are a few general observation that might be worthwhile. You have been honest with your boyfriend, which is really good of you, and more than many do.  You are also probably correct about him being in total denial about the truth you have given him.  He is probably Ga-ga over you.  He is faced with an excruciating choice, to stay with you and give up his sexuality, or leave you.  For now, he escapes into denial about you eventually wanting him sexually.  This is not really about his ignorance or him doing something wrong to you, it is his coping mechanism.  But it can be a problem if he gets stuck in it.  Eventually he will have to make a choice.

I can also tell you that it is an extremely, extremely hard path for a sexual person to give up their sexuality for love.  There are things you may not have even thought of, like how each time he is rejected sexually, it is typically chipping away at his self-image and self-esteem, which adds up over the years.  The sexual person also often feels unloved. This is partly due to societies programming, but it also involved some very hard-wired genetics that drive the emotions and feelings of a person toward everything needed to procreate the species. Imagine how hard it would be if he has a very high sex drive like I have.  The lower his natural sex drive is, the easier it is to cope.

We humans can be intimate and expressing love in many different ways, such as empathically, emotionally, socially, intellectually, spiritually, physically, sensually, sexually and others.  For other coupes who love each other greatly, when they make love (compared to having sex), there is a very deep intimacy taking place that is unlike the others.  Most people are genetically programmed to seek this.  I only mention this because one asexual person describe ‘Normal’ people as no more that rutting animals, so bigotry can go both ways.

The thing to remember is that it is not just about sexual drive for your boyfriend (assuming he loves you). It is a big mistake to make value judgments about these issues.  When people are crazy in love with a person, there is a tremendous drive to express that physically, sensually and sexually for most human beings.  I am not rubbing it in that you are different, but trying to show all angles of this for greater understanding, which should be a two-way street.

Understanding can lead to compassion, which is why it is important that he fully understand who you are and what you feel and why you feel it, and for you to fully understand him in the same ways.  It is definitely a challenge, but doable.

Some couples try to deal with this by allowing the sexual person to be sexual with others, but for many people, they don’t really want to be sexual with other people, they want to be sexual with the one they love, and they equate sex with love, not sex as a sport.  So instead they try to survive on porn and masturbation.  I worked with a couple where the asexual partner was insulted by his parter relieving his needs through porn and masturbation and was insisting his partner give up sex completely‚if you really love me…  It was actually incredibly selfish and unloving to try to completely deny the needs of the partner  Thankfully the issue was worked through successfully.

NAME CALLING:

Name Calling is bad no matter the words.  I was abused far more for my Autism.  I was as (what they used to call it) Mentally Retarded, in first grade and in again in 9th grade, even though I was on the Dean’s list.  You have no idea what kind of names I was called and the physical abuse, the shunning…

Do you want that kind of stuff to define your life, to drive your emotions?  Instead of being hurt or insulted or angry, LET IT GO.  Yes, I know it is not easy, but we are talking about the rest of your life.  Your sexuality, or lack thereof, should not define any of you.  I am a person who knew from a young age that I wanted and needed someone to share my life with.  At the time, dating a man and living with a man was extremely rare. I took huge risks of losing my career by doing it anyway.  It was hard to find a guy willing to not only date me, but be willing to wait 2-4 months for me to come back from sea.

What I am suggesting is think about prioritizing what you really desire on life, then work to make that happen, even if it is really difficult to do. The rewards are great.  If you want a certain kind of person to love and be loved by, then look for it.

SIN OF ASSUMPTION:

People make big false assumptions about all of us.  If I am a Gay man, I must be a child molester, sexually promiscuous, have a hidden agenda, diseased, alcoholic and/or drug addict, and on and on.

You talk about the assumptions people make about Asexual people being the result of rape, shame, etc, but of course there are many such people who do label themselves as asexual, which confuses things.

HOW TO RESPOND:

When people make false assumptions about you, the first best step is to NOT take it personally.  If you do keep taking this stuff personally, you will live a very stressed life, constantly having your emotions driven by others, and probably face depression, or act out with aggression or even violence.

I try to first offer education.  I once had a neighbor who would shout at me from across the street, “Fucking Faggot.”  I would shout back, “Every chance we get,” or “And proud of it,” always ending with a friendly smile and wave. They sold their house and moved, lol. I don’t let myself get angry anymore.

I also offer another piece of advice. Never be in people face about your sexuality.  Be open, don’t hide, fit your asexuality into a conversation naturally, and if people are curious, answer their questions.  My partner and I even fit into a very conservative neighborhood once.  We started inviting neighbors over for dinner, chatted, sometimes played games (like cards), and never talked about being a gay couple until they brought it up. It was glaringly obvious, but we let them deal with it on they terms.  In a about 9 months, every neighbor except the one were fully accepting us.

Most people see only see the label and they OBJECTIFY you.  You are not Matthew, you are one of those disgusting sexual pervert faggots.  Before we moved in that conservative neighborhood, the Real Estate Broker told people we were Gay.  There was a neighborhood meeting about us to discuss how to protect their children, about how we would drop their property values, and what legal or otherwise recourse they had to get rid of us.  What we did is show them, by example, that we were just like them and that the bigoted things they associated with ‘FAG’ were not true.  This is how us Sexual Minorities were winning the hearts of Americans in the last 50 years, by being courageous enough to live openly with straight people, instead of hiding in the Gay Ghettos.

GUN IN YOUR MOUTH

I was buying into the programming of the Catholic church, who take very young children and teach them hate and shame from a very young age, including a lot of self-hate and self-shame.  I was programmed to hate myself.  In the developing brain, this programming is almost hard-wired and difficult to break.  Being able to let go of all of that crap finally set me free.

Set yourself free by not internalizing what people say, by not letting others drive your emotions.  I focused on compassion to help me Let go of negative feelings and emotions. I let go of everything that was done to me.  I stopped valuing myself based on society’s rulers (ways of measuring people).  When I decided to vale myself based on the values that really matter to me, like the goodness of my heart, the content of my character, etc, I was finally able to fully accept and love myself.

No need for a gun in your mouth. Too much trauma drama, lol.

PS: Sorry for the bad editing, I just don't have the time.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you.  I hope that it is helpful to you.
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