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DETERMINING SEXUAL IDENTITY


For many people, there is no question at all about what their Sexual Orientation and Identity are, starting at a very young age.  But for many others, it can be very confusing and traumatic.  ALL of us are a blend of Straight and Gay. People who are almost completely Straight or Gay usually know how they are different from very young ages. Everyone else will have some someone degree of Confusion and Questioning.  Many young people have a small amount of latent homosexuality, enough to confuse them, but not enough to be a Bisexual. Others can be confused by having a friend they love dearly. Some young people are late bloomers, becoming sexually aware later than most others.  For others, there is also confusion about Gender.  For others, they may not have sexual feelings at all.

Some people may not become aware of their homosexual nature, or may not recognize, realize, or acknowledge their homosexual attractions, until their late teen years to their mid-twenties. Girls tend to be later in recognizing their homosexual nature.  For girls and young women, determining sexual orientation can be much more confusing than for boys.  Sexual development can start later or develop more slowly in some people.  Some people may slowly beacon aware of their homosexual nature, while others will suddenly start having homosexual feelings or fantasies.

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO OR HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE. Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had relationships and sex with a lot of women in the years he was trying to hide his homosexuality, saying that he even enjoyed most of it. But he now says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man." Relationships with women were not fulfilling for him, but relationships with men are fulfilling for him.  Sex regularly crosses Sexual Orientation boundaries, but not Romantic Love.

Sometimes Straight men have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, Lesbians have sex with men, and Straight women have sex with Lesbians.  Given the right circumstances, all kind of things can happen around sex.  For example, some Straight men will get oral sex from a Gay man, or be the penetrator in anal sex with a Gay man, simply for sexual relief between girls, or on a Navy ship, or in a prison. He will feel no attraction to the gay man, he is simply being serviced by the gay man.

For the vast majority of you, what matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  For some people, the initial attraction may be zero, low, or up to intense.  In my case, I was not physically or sexually attracted to my current partner at all. I pursued a friendship with him, liking his personality.  After spending some time together as freinds, I suddenly found myself both physically and sexually attracted to him.  LOVE keeps your partner looking beautiful and hot for a Lifetime.  LOVE keeps sex with your partner great for a lifetime.  Without Love and sex being bound together, sex becomes boring and your lover no longer turns you on.

I did not even know what straight sex was until age 19, and gay sex at age 20 (I was Autistic and very innocent). Nor did I know anything about Sexual Orientation, or what those words meant, like Fuck, Fag and Queer. At age 11, I consciously recognized that I was attracted to boys the way I was supposed to be attracted to girls, because I was following cute boys around at school. At age 12, I fell in love with Anton Wild, although I did not really know it at the time, because I had no reference point for it. But I knew I had a kind of ache and yearning around him, missing him even after just an hour apart, and I got HARD around him a lot. It all felt much more INTENSE than any friendship I had ever had. Out by the pool, Anton almost kissed me once, then my Mother burst out (she kept spying on us through the window). At age 13, I confessed to my Aunt, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls."  She dismissed it as a "Phase boys go through."  My youthful fantasies were not sexual, because I did not know what that was or looked like.  My fantasies were all around hugging and kissing other boys, and doing romantic things with boys.

CLUES TO HELP YOU DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
A big CLUE about out your sexual orientation is notice who you find yourself strongly attracted to in non-sexual situations, like when you are at school, out with freinds, grocery shopping, etc. ROMANTIC FANTASY, is your biggest clue of all about Sexual orientation.  Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself living together, etc.

ATTRACTION:
Within your sexual orientation, we are sexually attracted to other people based on a number of factors.  For example, the pitch and timber of a person's voice can affect attraction.  But one of the biggest factors of all are PHEROMONES, which are hormones exerted in our sweat and smelled by others. Each of us are only attracted to certain Pheromones. When two people have "Good Chemistry," this is what is being talked about.

You can be a Gay boy, but only find certain kinds of boys attractive, and maybe only guys your own age, or older guys, or younger guys.  Maybe you are only into bigger, more muscular and hairy guys, or maybe you like them more svelte and smooth.  You may be attracted to only certain personalities too.  If you are a Lesbian, Straight, or Bisexual, the same things apply.  Who you are attracted to in life often changes as you get older.  My first love set who I was attracted to for a long time.  If you are Straight and have a good relationship to your father and brothers, you may find yourself attracted to their body and personality type, because you associate good things with that.  Or it can go the opposite way if you have a terrible relationship with them.  I got picked on by jocks a lot, and to this day am totally turned off by guys who look or act like jocks.

WHAT NOT TO USE TO DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

HAVING SEX with someone is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a boy and have it be awful. This does not mean you are a Lesbian.  You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a girl, and have it be nice, but it does not make you a Lesbian.  You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a girl, and have it be awful. You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a guy, and have it be nice.

PORNOGRAPHY is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. Girls and young women can be sexually aroused by Straight, Lesbian and Gay Male Pornography, regardless of her Sexual Orientation. Boys and Young men are often sexually aroused by any pornography at all. Straight guys tend to get really hot over seeing Lesbian kissing and sex.  But a Gay guy can get easily excited by Straight porn, and not bother to notice that he is ficus on the guys. A gay guy might have an aversion to seeing Gay Porn, due to internalized homophobia, guilt or shame.

SEXUAL FANTASY can be misleading. Boys can sexually experiment in fantasy, and may fantasize about gay sex, or even fantasize themselves as a girl. Girls and young Women can especially do a lot of sexual experimentation in fantasy, and can even imagine themselves as the man having sex with a woman, as a man having gay sex with another man, as a woman having sex with another woman and even have rape fantasies (experimenting with control, domination, submission, etc.).

SEXUAL AROUSAL: If a boy is wresting around with another boy and gets an erection, this alone does not make him Gay—it is actually natural. Teenagers get sexually aroused very easily, due to 'raging hormones.'  If you are only getting aroused by one gender, this can be a hint about Sexual Identity, but you still need a lot more evidence before drawing conclusions.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ROMANTIC FEELINGS OR FANTASIES?
You may simply need to get older.  Sexual arousal develops first, before romantic desire and attraction.  Also, stress, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues can be shutting you down around romantic matters.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING SEXUALLY AROUSED BY MUCH OF ANYTHING?
Everyone matures sexually at a different rate.  If you feel little or no excitement or arousal by either boys or girls, then:

:bulletblue: Your sexuality may not finished developing yet.
:bulletblue: STRESS, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues could be shutting down your sexuality. Stress at home (like a messed up family or abuse) or in school (like being bullied) can shut down your libido. If you were or are a victim of rape, incest, or other form of sexual abuse, this would shut you down too.
:bulletblue: You could have low Testosterone (both boys and girls) or other medical conditions.  It would be a good idea to see a doctor, just to eliminate medical causes.
:bulletblue: Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants, some other antidepressants and antipsychotics, can shut down sexual desire, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).
:bulletblue: Fear of Intimacy, of AIDS or STDs, Body Shame, or raised to believe that sex is evil/dirty/disgusting can shut down your libido.
:bulletblue: Males reach the peak of their sex drive in their teens, while women reach it in their thirties.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN DETERMINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Probably the biggest problem of all in determining Sexual Orientation for a lot of people, is the conscious or subconscious suppression or denial of their homosexual nature, due to Internalized Homophobia.  Homosexual feelings, fantasies, and dreams can be suppressed, dismissed, ignored, or justified in another way. The emergence of your homosexual nature might be dallied by a few years, for decades (sometimes as late as age 50 to 70).  The desire to be NORMAL can be extremely powerful.  I was so Queer that I had no choice but to face it, but it was not easy and I tried to kill myself at age 13.

When kids are subjected to homophobia from birth, the message can be constant and clear that being homosexual or bisexual is a horrible thing. You face being an outcast, vilified, rejected by family and friends, thrown out of your home, and harassed and bullied at school.  If you are raised in a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family, you might face religious condemnation, being told that you are a sin, evil, disgusting pervert, an abomination in the eyes of God, and that you are going to go to hell for being born Homosexual, Bisexual, or Transgender.  For some kids, the first awakening moment of attraction to the same gender can be so horrifying that they are subconsciously or consciously suppressed, and thus the pattern can get set. If they can feel ANY attraction for the same gender, they may run with it.

Many HOMOPHOBIC men are Bisexual or Gay men with extreme Internalized Homophobia, acting-out against other Sexual Minorities. In a study at the University of Georgia, it was shown that homophobic men, claiming to be straight and claiming to have always engaged in heterosexual sex, got erections looking at Gay pornographic videos 30% more than non-homophobic straight men.  When youth are raised in a homophobic environment, or otherwise become homophobic, and they start to experience homosexual feelings and attractions, some respond to their homosexual feelings with HATE, despising that part of themselves.  They then blame homosexuals for making them have these unwanted feelings, hating other homosexuals, OR sometimes just feeling very uncomfortable around homosexuals and having negative feelings about them.



SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual Orientation is the Biological Sexuality Orientation that you are Born with.
Sexual Orientation is defined by your Gender Identity, what Genders you Sexually and Romantically Desire, and how much you desire each Gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY
Sexual Identity is how a person CHOOSES to identify their own Sexuality, and is not necessarily the same as their biological Sexual Orientation.  A Bisexual man who is both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, may decide that he feels most comfortable living with men, and choose a Gay identity.

A woman I know says that she is sexually attracted to both men and women equally, but only Romantically attracted to women. She chooses to identify her self as a Lesbian.  Rickey Martin was sexual with women for years, but now identifies himself as completely Gay, because his only romantic attachments have been with men.



BIOLOGICAL GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION,  SEXUAL LIBIDO, & MASCULINE/FEMININE SPECTRUMS

A person's Biological Sexual Orientation is NOT defined by discreet values like Heterosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual.  Instead, a person's Biological sexuality will fall anywhere across a continuous spectrum between 100% Heterosexual at one end and 100% Homosexual on the other end. The frequency of human sexuality across this spectrum is distributed over what looks like a bell shaped curve, with relatively few people being 100% Heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and with the greater majority of human being biased towards Heterosexuality.

Gender itself is also variable and distributed across a spectrum.  The amount of Sexual Desire (LIBIDO) we experience is also on a spectrum from no desire to extreme desire.  When it comes to masculinity and femininity, this crosses the boundaries of both Gender and Sexual Orientation. Some Straight men are effeminate. Some Straight women are masculine. Some Gay men are very masculine and some effeminate.  Some Lesbians are very feminine and some masculine.  Almost all Transvestites are Straight men who cross-dress for sexual pleasure, while Drag Queens, Boy Drag and Female Impersonators are almost all homosexuals who cross-dress for non-sexual reasons.

During fetal gestation, when the fetus is sexing-out in the brain first and then the body, with sexual organs, etc, many different things can happen in this process to create this wide diversity of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity.  There are very real differences between the brains of men and women and homosexual men and women and Transgender men and women.



WE ARE ALL MADE UP OF All OF THESE SEXUAL SPECTRUMS:
     :bulletred: —> :bulletpurple: SEXUAL ORIENTATION
     :bulletblue: —> :bulletpink: GENDER
     :bulletblack: —> :bulletorange: SEXUAL DRIVE
     :bulletgreen: —> :bulletyellow: & MASCULINITY/FEMININITY


It is people themselves who typically desire labels for their Gender and Sexual Identity. The problem is that human sexuality does NOT divide itself nicely into set groups.  LGBTQ or GLBTQ do come even close to including all of our community.  I much prefer to refer to us as SEXUAL MINORITIES.  I know there is a craving by some who seek ever more exotic labels to call themselves by, but there is NO label that exactly describes any of us. We are this amazing and wondrous mix of spectrums, all unique in our own ways.  

Human sexuality is a combination of Spectrums for Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive and Masculinity/Femininity:

Sexual Orientation Spectrum:. . . 100% Heterosexual —> to Bisexual to <— 100% Homosexual

Gender Spectrum:. . . . . . . . . . . Male —> Transgender1 —> 3rd Gender <— Female

Sexual Drive Spectrum: . . . . . . . Asexuality2 (0) —>  to Average to  <— Hypersexuality (∞)

Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum: Masculine —>  to <— Feminine: Applies to ALL Straight & Gay Males & Females3
Some Straight men are effeminate and some Straight women are masculine. Gay men & Lesbians run the entire range from hyper-masculine to uber-feminine.

ALL HUMANS fall somewhere within ALL of the above Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Sexual Drive & Masculinity/Femininity.

1 TRANSGENDER is NOT a Sexual Orientation, it is a Gender. Gender Identity is based on the gender of the person's brain, not their body.  After Sexual Reassignment, the gender of the brain can match the gender of the body. A Transgender person can have a:
  • Straight, Gay, or anything in between MALE BRAIN in a FEMALE BODY.
  • Straight, Lesbian, or anything in between FEMALE BRAIN in a MALE BODY.
2 See the section on Asexuality at the end of this paper.
3 For more information on Gay Mannerisms and on being Masculine, Feminine or Effeminate, see the section further below.



THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION SCALE (used by some sexologist): View the chart below as 7 columns:

Exclusively - - - - -Primarily Strait- - - - - Primarily Strait- - - - - - Bisexual- - - - - - - - Primarily Gay- - - - - - - -Primarily Gay- - - - - - Exclusively
Straight - - - - - - Incidentally Gay- - - - -Secondarily Gay- - - - - -Bisexual - - - - - Secondarily Straight- - - -Incidentally Straight- - - - - - - -Gay
-< 1 >- - - - - - - - - -< 2 >- - - - - - - - - - - - -< 3 >- - - - - - - -< 4 >- - - - - - - - - -< 5 >- - - - - - - - - -< 6 >- - - - - - - - - - -< 7 >-

MORE SEXUAL IDENTITY LABELS:
PANSEXUALITY is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Basically this is saying you are a bisexual who does not want to be constrained by other labels, so you give yourself another label.

GENDERQUEER is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman or as being neither man nor woman and therefore falling completely outside the gender binary. There are more labels people use, but there is not enough room here to describe them all.


NOTE: Sexual Identity and Relationships are actually very different things. You can be any of the of the sexual identities, including asexual, and choose to either be in a relationship, or to be single.



BISEXUALITY DEFINED:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

You could also be Bisexual Leaning Straight or Leaning Gay:

     :bulletwhite: Exclusively Straight [100% Straight, 0% Gay]
     :bulletgreen: Primarily Straight, Incidentally Gay [87.5% Straight, 12.5% Gay]
     :bulletyellow: Bisexual Leaning Straight [62.5% Straight, 37.5% Gay]
     :bulletblack: Bisexual [50% Straight, 50% Gay]</b>
     :bulletpurple: Bisexual Leaning Gay [62.5% Gay, 37.5% Straight]
     :bulletred: Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight [75% Gay, 25% Straight]
     :bulletorange: Primarily Gay, Incidentally Straight [87.5% Gay, 12.5% Straight]
     :bulletpink: Exclusively Gay [100% Gay, 0% Straight]

Anyone within 6.25% of any of the above categories, would fall within that category.

If you are on either side of Bisexuality, and not exclusively Straight or Gay, it can get very confusing to you about what your Sexual Orientation is.  You may have SOME Sexual Attraction to both genders, and can received SOME Sexual Pleasure from both genders, BUT, one gender is Just NOT Fulfilling Enough to desire regular Sexual or Romantic contact with that Gender.  When this happens, your Sexual identity and Sexual Orientation may be different.  For example, you may be technically a Primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight woman, but if you only date women and form relationships with women, your sexual identity will likely be Lesbian.

HAVING SEX WITH BOTH MEN & WOMEN DOES NOT MAKE YOU BISEXUAL.
Just because you CAN have sex with both Genders does not make you BISEXUAL.  Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had sex with a lot of women, and said that he even enjoyed most of it, but that only men romantically fulfill him.  He says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man."

If you are a boy and you had sex with a girl, this does not make you Straight, not in-of-itself.  In the Navy, Straight men have sex with Gay men on a regular basis. It is simply a way to release sexual energy, to fulfill a need. It is sex only, with no emotional component. It does not make the Straight men bisexual, simply because they had sex with a Gay man. Sexual Orientation goes far beyond who you have sex with.

:bulletblue: 17% of Heterosexual adult Men & Women admit being attracted to someone of the same gender! Of those respondents who indicated they have been attracted to someone of the same sex, a surprising 36% said they had acted on that attraction in a sexual way.

:bulletblue: A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual…more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight, secretly have sex with other men…"

:bulletblue: A 2006 survey in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70% of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

:bulletblue: As many as 46% of all guys, whether they identify as Straight, Gay, or Bi, have had sex of some nature with another guy to the point of orgasm (includes Mutual Masturbating). Many guys are curious and experiment. Some do it again and some don't.

For Example:

:bulletpink: A Straight man CAN have sex with a Gay man without Sexually DESIRING the Gay man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in the him.
:bulletpink: A Gay man CAN have sex with a woman without Sexually DESIRING the woman, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Straight woman CAN have sex with a Lesbian without Sexually DESIRING the Lesbian, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Lesbian CAN have sex with a man without Sexually DESIRING the man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in him.

How do you have sex with a person, if you do not Sexually Desire the person?

The answer is that the other person can get you sexually aroused, and/or you can make yourself sexually aroused in other ways, such as:

:bulletpink: You and/or the other person can sexually stimulate your body and sexual organs, using things like fingers, tongue, mouth, sex toys, objects, etc.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused using Pornography.
:bulletpink: You can fantasizing about someone else who sexually excites you, or you can fantasize about a person of a different gender.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused just from being in a sexual situation, and/or because you are very HORNY, and maybe you are intoxicated.
:bulletpink: You can be very easily aroused when you are young (Raging Hormones), by just about anything, especially when you want to experiment.
:bulletpink: Anything TABOO or exotic feeling can cause arousal.
:bulletpink: Sometimes your body will even respond sexually when being raped, unless high pain levels prevent it.  This can add to feelings of shame, which are not justified. Your body can react even against your will, when stimulated in certain ways, like when the prostate is being stimulated.
:bulletpink: Fear and suffocation can cause arousal, but using this is just plain idiotic and extremely dangerous.

Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.

Straight men will sometimes use Gay men to service their sexual needs, as a convenience, or out of need, when women are not available for periods of time, like on navy ships, in Prisons, or because of the culture you live in (Some Muslim countries).  On Navy Military ships, after months at sea, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but this does not make them Bisexual. A man having sex with a man does not make him Bisexual or Homosexual.  There are even circumstances when a primarily heterosexual man can be sexually excited by another man, but that does not make him Bisexual.

It should be noted that some people might be biologically Bisexual, but are mentally and emotionally unable to maintain a relationship with one of the genders.  For example, some Bisexual men and women may succumb to the pressures of society to not live a Homosexual lifestyle, and choose to live as Heterosexuals.  Some Bisexual women may have been abused by men so much that they choose to live as Lesbians.

HOMOPHOBIA & BISEXUALS
Unfortunately, boys and men who are borderline Bisexual or Homosexual, are still under great pressure to live as a Heterosexual. They will get married and maybe have kids, but be barely able to function sexually with their wife, so their sex life dries up, and it is the wife who really suffers, believing she is undesirable and unlovable, while he is slipping out having sex with men, but also not at all happy.  I know men who waited 30 to 40 years before divorcing and coming-out as a Gay man. Often the men love their wives, but just can't be sexual with her. When you are young, you can make it happen a lot easier than when you pass age 30 or so.

BISEXUALS WHO SEXUALLY DESIRE BOTH MEN & WOMEN BUT ONLY ROMANTICALLY DESIRE ONE GENDER:
If you sexually desire both men and women, but only romantically desire one Gender, then chances are your Sexual Identity will end up being based on the Gender you Romantically Desire. If you are a bisexual woman, but only romantically desire women, then your sexual identity will probably be Lesbian.  But it might take you time and dating both genders to figure this out.

Fantasy can be a clue, such as having sexual fantasies with both men and women, but having romantically fantasize with only one gender. When we fantasize, sometimes it is purely sexual, and sometimes it is more romantic. Fantasizing about doing fun things together, like swimming, hiking, and dancing, and fantasizing about non-sexual intimacy, like kissing, hugging and holding each other in bed, shows who you who you would probably be happier sharing your life with.



ARE YOU 15 YEARS OLD OR YOUNGER?
If you are around age 15 or younger (this is a very loose number), and reading this paper still leaves you very confused about your Sexual Orientation, you may very well need more time to let your sexuality develop and emerge. Give yourself some more time to see if your Sexual Orientation becomes more clear. Meeting a special person and falling in love can help make it clearer too.

NOTE: Your body and brain (particularly in the Frontal Cortex) continue to develop until around age 25.  For boys, your penis may continue to grow past the age of 18, slowing to a stop at around age 25.



ROMANTIC & SEXUAL FANTASIES REVEAL YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The best way to determine your own Sexual Orientation is to note which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about ROMANTICALLY, EROTICALLY or SEXUALLY.  Looking at Pornography to see what turns you on is not a very good indicator, because seeing nakedness and sex of any kind will turn you if you are not accustomed to it, and you might be turned on by only one aspect of the pornography, like if you are Gay and watching Straight porn, it could be the guys who are especially arousing you. I cover Pornography further below.  Romantic Fantasies are different from Sexual Fantasy, although Romantic Fantasy might turn into Sexual Fantasy.

Romantic Fantasies & Dreams tell us a lot about our Sexual Orientation & Identity, about who you are more likely to share your life with. Romance is linked to Feelings of LOVE, wanting a Romantic Relationship, wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend, or wanting to Share Your Life with someone, like imagining yourself seducing someone, or being seduced, falling in-love with someone, going on romantic dates, doing romantic things together with him or her, like going on a picnic, laying on the ground holding hands and looking up at the stars, seeing the world together, living together, and so on.  Romantic Fantasy can include SENSUAL and EROTIC Foreplay, like cuddling, kissing, rubbing bodies together, tongues on skin, bodies together, exploring each other's bodies, feeling loved and showing your love. Romantic Fantasies and Dreams are Non-Sexual, but can turn into Love-based Sexual Fantasy.

If you are not yet having Romantic Dreams or Fantasies, it is because you are still too young, but if you give it some time, they will start to happen. After Puberty starts, Sexual Dreams and Fantasies happen first, followed later by Romantic Dreams & Fantasy.  The age when Romantic Dreams and Fantasy start can vary a great deal, based on how early or later a bloomer you were.
If you are not remembering your Dreams, it is because you are dreaming before going into Deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, unless you happen to wake up before you go into REM Sleep.  Those who remember Dreams are Dreaming after their REM Sleep.

Sexual Fantasies & Dreams are also a good indicator of Sexual Orientation, but for some people, they can be deceptive and confusing.  Homosexual Sexual Fantasies may be either consciously or subconsciously suppressed by internal and/or external homophobia.  Sometimes, young minds may sexually experiment through fantasy.  For various reasons covered later, you can get sexually excited by pornography that is not in your nature, like a Gay guy getting aroused by Straight Porn, and the memory of this arousal can carry forward into fantasy.

Dreams and Fantasy are a safe way for our minds to Sexually Experiment and Explore, as well as seeking erotic experiences.  There can be a lot of sexual role changing and experimentation in your mind, especially when you are younger. Sexual dreams should not be immediately interpreted as literal expressions of sexual desire.

BOYS & MEN:
Straight Guys Can Have A Gay Sex Dream. If this only happens occasionally, then it is not saying you are Gay or Bisexual.  BUT, if it happens a lot, then you are probably Gay or Bisexual.
Gay Guys Can Have A Straight Sex Dream, but it will be a rare thing.
Guys Can Change Gender In Dreams. This is not as common, but does happen, and again it is your mind exploring and experimenting. Some say it is you getting in touch with your feminine side.

GIRLS & WOMEN: It is relatively common for Girls to dream about being a Guy having sex with a Girl. This is because the male role is often seen as dominant, the one in control, and one of power, and it is your desire to be in that role. These dreams and Fantasies seem more frequent in girls and young women who are Lesbian or Bisexual, but can also happen more frequently in straight girls and women who have issues of feeling dominated and controlled in her life.  Both Straight and Lesbian women dream of sexual encounters with another woman. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, it may not signify homosexual desire, but rather a need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side, or if you are in a relationship with a guy, it may reveal a need for more sensitivity or creativity from your partner, since we associate females with sensitivity and nurturing.  Some Girls even dream of being a Man having Gay sex with another Man.  Look at the kind of Dreams that are most frequent.  The younger you are, the more confusing it may seem.

VIRGINS: When you are a virgin, your mind has no reference point for sexuality, as to what things feel like, what would feel good, what would feel bad, what would be healthy or unhealthy. Even worse is when you use Pornography, because pornography is keyed to specific audiences and everything is done is to maximize angles, shots, and specific things that turn most people on. Even how sex is performed is heavily skewed, as is the size of breasts and penises. So porn can fuel some strange fantasies that later will be corrected naturally. There is no harm done, as long as you realize that the real experience may be different from what you See or Read in pornography.

RAPE FANTASY:
Just under 50% of Boys and Men say they have fantasized about being raped by a woman, and sometimes by a man, and if you are Gay, have fantasized about being raped by a man.
50 to 62% of Girls and Women have Rape Fantasies, more at younger ages and less at older ages (a 2009 study).
But it is very important to make a distinction about what is really being fantasized about. When women fantasize about forced-sex or rape, it is not really rape they are fantasizing about at all, it is about surrendering, submission, power, domination, and more rarely, sexual desire without responsibility, and sexual guilt.  BUT it is ALL PRETEND and you are STILL IN CONTROL. I have been raped, and the real thing had nothing to do with sex. Rape is a hate crime motivated primarily by Gender, Power, Dominance, and Control.  You really have zero control, you are POWERLESS. But in dreams and fantasy, we do have control, so it feels very different and it is a very different thing because of it.



ROMANTIC SEEMING FANTASIES, especially at younger ages, can be confused with feelings of high friendship, because friendship is about love too, and you can deeply love a friend.  It can be easy to imagine yourself sharing your life with your best friend, when everything else is there, except for sexual intimacy, which the mind can skip over.

This can be two boys who are best friends, and one boy wonders if he is Bisexual, because he is so fond of his friend. Confusion can also happen with a boy and a girl as best friends. For example, a boy has a girl for a best friend, someone he loves dearly, and his family is homophobic, so being Gay is the last thing he wants, so he believes he is Straight for many years, until he starts having intense Gay fantasies and dreams at 20 years old. He comes to realize that he really does not sexually desire his friend, and now has a Gay sexual identity and is in a long-term relationship with another man.



FOR BOYS, first ask yourself which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about romantically, erotically or sexually.  Then ask yourself if any of the boys and girls you have know or seen in your lifetime have sexually turned you on by giving you (not counting pornography):
  1. Romantic fantasies and/or dreams with specific girls or boys,
  2. Sexual fantasies about specific girls or boys,
  3. Desire to touch or hold specific boys and girls in a Romantic way,
  4. Desire to have sex with specific boys and girls,
  5. Erections when around boys or girls, or from their casual touch (separate from unrelated spontaneous erections)?
FOR GIRLS, sexual arousal does not usually help you determined Sexual Orientation. Therefore, for girls, use only 1 through 4 in list above.



WHY LOOK AT FANTASIES ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE?
Sometimes fantasies about a specific person may be in conflict with your Sexual Orientation. For example, a boy who is primarily Gay, might sexually fantasize about his best friend, who is a girl, out of his need to see himself as "Normal." If he loves her as a friend on many levels, his subconscious mind can superimpose the sexual fantasy.  This can greatly confuse him. The pressure that our society imposes on us all to be CONFORM and be NORMAL can creates a lot of problems in young people figuring out their sexuality.

It can go the other way too. For example, a boy who is primarily straight, with only some Homosexuality, who is very close in friendship with another boy, might have flashes of desire or fantasy for him in a sexual way. Yet if he were able to act out on it, he would not find it particularly satisfying.



SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION
You might think that sexually experimenting with a guy and/or girl would tell you if you are Straight, Bisexual, or Gay/Lesbian, but it can actually be very misleading. For example, a Gay guy might have his first sexual experience with another guy, and have it be totally dull, a horrible experience, or can't even get an erection (due to anxiety or nervousness).

A good way to avoid this confusion is to wait and have sex only with a person you have strong Romantic feelings for, and sexual desire for.  If you just Hook-Up with someone and have anonymous or indiscriminate sex, it might just confuse you even more, or lead you down the wrong path.



FEMALE SEXUAL AROUSAL:
Sexual Orientation can be much more difficult to figure out for Girls. This is because sexual arousal in a girl does not necessarily match her Sexual Orientation.  Recent research as shown a fundamental difference between male and female sexual arousal.  This is important because for men, sexual orientation is more alined to sexual arousal, but in women, it is different.  In the research, most of the young women were sexually aroused by watching videos of heterosexual sex, gay male sex, and lesbian sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.  No, not all women are bisexual.  What it means is that sexual arousal in females has little to do with sexual orientation.

Female Sexual Orientation is mostly determined by Romantic Feelings and Fantasies, and Sexual Desire.  However, if her Sexual Arousal is markedly greater toward one gender, then that is a valuable clue.



GAY MANNERISMS & WHY WE ARE MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE OR FEMININE:

GAY MANNERISMS:
Gay Mannerisms are different from Masculinity and Femininity and are like an underlying layer to those things. There is a subtle to not so subtle Gay mannerism language throughout the LGBTQ Community.  The more you are around other GLBTQ people, the more likely you will be to acquire this, like you would an accent, no matter how masculine or feminine you are.  Some Gay youth and those new to the Community will sometimes acquire exaggerated Gay Mannerisms on purpose, as a way of expressing their Gay identity, or as a way to fit-in with the others.  This should not be mistaken for Effeminacy.

BORN WITH A PREDISPOSITION TOWARD BEING MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE, OR FEMININE:
We can be born with a predisposition to be Masculine, Effeminate or Feminine, and/or it can be acquired later in life.

People can be born with a disposition towards Masculinity or Femininity, regardless of their Gender and regardless of their Sexual Orientation.  This is due to the same reasons for why we are born GLBT.  It happens due to fetal exposures to hormones while in the mother's womb, and depends on which hormones changed and at exactly what times during the two sexing-out phases of fetal development it happens.  The result can be any mix of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Transgender, Masculinity/Femininity, and all of those to any degree.

This means that a Straight man can be effeminate, by a little or a lot, or masculine to hyper-masculine, by a little to a lot.  A Straight woman can be masculine, by a little or a lot, or be feminine or hyper-feminine by a little of a lot.  The same is true of GLBT people.

ACQUIRED MASCULINITY, EFFEMINACY AND FEMININITY:
Gay Men and Lesbians can acquire Effeminacy, Masculinity or Femininity in a few ways.

You can acquire Effeminacy like I acquired a British accent from the first boy I fell in love with, a foreign exchange student from the UK.  When you hang-out with other effeminate guys, you may acquire their mannerisms even without you realizing it. Lipstick Lesbians and Strait women can have their feminine traits reinforced and even increased by hanging out with hyper-feminine women. This is also true of Lesbians who hang out with masculine Lesbians.  Who you hang-out with a lot or work with a lot can make a difference.

It can work the same way towards masculinity for Gay men.  I was influenced to be more masculine by association for 17 years of living in tight quarters with almost all masculine men, but I was also under threat of my life if my being Gay was discovered, so there was a lot of pressure to be perfectly masculine and even hyper-masculine. I went to an Academy and then out to sea on supertanker ships.  If my shipmates had discovered that I was Gay, they would have killed me by tossing me over the side of the ship to drown.  It was done and it was joked about. For 17 years I had to watch every word I said, how I said it and how I moved my body. I made a mistake once when I sat down and crossed my legs, one knee of the other knee. It was joked about for a week, about how I sat like a girl or a Faggot. When I talked about my family life, my partners, I had to keep changing 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she.'  This resulted in me becoming a bit towards the hyper-masculine, despite living with two effeminate husbands for 10 years, one a Drag Queen.

Finally, and especially for youth and young adults, you can acquire mannerisms of masculinity and femininity from those who are your Role Models, people you really respect or love, or those who mentor you.  I had a mentor and best friend, for many years, and I acquired some of his mannerisms, especially being able to maintain absolute calmness in face of crisis at sea, to lead my men. He was a very masculine man.



MY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY

  1. What do you daydream or fantasize about, sexually, when not Masturbating? You are looking for naturally occurring involuntary ones, not ones you try to purposely create in your mind.

  2. What do you fantasize about when you are Masturbating?  This does not include where you are FORCING YOURSELF to fantasize about a specific gender.

  3. If you watch Pornography, do you watch Straight Porn, Homosexual porn, or both, and if you watch both, which do you enjoy the most?  If you enjoy watching Straight porn, what do you focus on the most in the Straight porn, the male body parts and action, or the female body parts and action?

    Porn is not always a good measure of what is going on, because younger boys especially can get super-turned-on by anything sexual, which can be confusing to them.  But over time, the stuff contrary to their nature will really boring fairly quickly.

  4. Do you remember any of your dreams, and if so, can you remember the sexual ones? If you do remember them, are they Straight or Gay dreams, or both? Remembering dreams depends on if you dream before or after REM sleep.  If it is after, you can usually remember dreams.

  5. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit?  Do you get erections thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or vaginal sex, with a woman, or more?

  6. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or anal sex, with a guy, or more? Note: Some virgin Gay guys may think certain gay sexual acts sound disgusting, until they actually do it, then can't get enough. Therefore, if one or two things do not seem like a turn on to you, it does not mean you are not Gay.

  7. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude?  Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about sex with a woman?

  8. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude? Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about sex with a guy?

  9. If you are sexually aroused by both men and women, is one more intense than the other? If so, is one considerably more intense, or just a little more?

  10. Who would you rather wake-up cuddled up to and spooning with, a man or a woman? If you are trying to force yourself to be Straight, I want you to make an effort to remove your conscious drive to be heterosexual and live happily ever after with a woman. What does you heart say, not your mind?

  11. What kind of ROMANTIC dreams, fantasies and day-dreams do you have? Do they involve men or women or both? If both, which feels more comforting and fulfilling.

  12. Do you feel any guilt, shame or self-hatred around your sexual attractions, cravings, and feelings, and a desire not to have those sexual feelings, and do you feel like you are letting others down by being homosexual or bisexual?  I ask this question because it can show a motive for why you want to be straight, or why you are trying to force yourself to be straight, which can distort some of the answers you already gave above.



STRAIGHT GUYS & ANAL/PROSTATE STIMULATION

Straight Boys may be confused about their sexuality if they have discovered that playing with their anus is fun, including digital penetration, massaging their Prostate, or even using toys.  This is very normal and records of it go back thousands of years in Chinese and Indian texts, where women did this to men as part of normal sex. The Chinese considered the Prostate to be the third male sex organ (1-penis, 2-testicles/scrotum, 3-prostate) This area of the body is an erogenous zone, no matter if you are Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Some straight men even enjoy having their wives use a strap-on toy.



STRAIGHT GUYS GO WILD OVER LESBIAN INTIMACY & SEX.
STRAIGHT GIRLS GO WILD OVER GAY MALE INTIMACY & SEX


This is NORMAL to human sexuality. Obviously not everyone conforms to this, and religious and cultural training can interfere with it.



WHY PORNOGRAPHY CAN MISLEAD YOU

First of all, remember that pornography is designed to please as many customers as possible, so the things you see may not be typical of real sex at all.  For example, in Porn, ejaculation is always outside the body, because that is what people want to see, not because it is normal.  Anal penetrations are rapid in Porn because the models are already cleaned-out, prepped and stretched, otherwise you could really hurt someone. Oral sex may be very lacking in technique, because it is not easily filmed doing it right, etc.  There are also things in porn that are not typical at all, like porn with scenes involving urine, which is actually rather rare in the real world.

I am about as homosexual as you can get, yet when I was a boy, seeing pictures of a naked man or woman could arouse me, because of the TABOO factor—Forbidden fruit can be particularly arousing. As a Gay man, I can find the nude female body to be beautiful, but it does not sexually arouse me at all.  I did not even know what sex was until I was 19 years old, when another cadet smuggled a pornographic film and projector onto the ship. It sexually aroused me because of the Taboo factor, and because I focused on the men and their erections. I had never even seen another man aroused before.  When I went to sea (not military), there was a lot of straight porn in our staterooms.  After months at sea, I could use it for stimulation by focusing on the men, and with stories I could switch the woman to a man, most of the time.

What I am trying to show here is that Pornography alone may not tell you much.  Young people who are  in Denial, or are subconsciously or consciously pushed to be straight because of a homophobic environment, will use being able to be aroused by straight porn as absolute proof of being Straight. I must be straight because straight porn turns me on.

For girls and young women, pornography may not tell help you at all in determining sexual orientation, because most women can be sexually aroused when viewing Straight, Lesbian, or Gay pornography, REGARDLESS of her sexual orientation (based on a series of studies).

After viewing Straight, Lesbian or Gay pornography and finding it sexually arousing, it is possible that memory of that arousal and excitement might carryover to FANTASY and DAY-DREAMS, further confusing you.  What is much more significant is if you have a sexual response to real men or women you have met.

If pornography is confusing you about your sexual orientation, break it down and discover what is turning you on and what is turning you off.  If straight and homosexual porn sexually excites you, but you are unsure of your sexual orientation, ask yourself exactly what part of it is exciting you.  Do you find naked male bodies, without erections, to be sexually stimulating and arousing? Do guys only become stimulating to you when they have erections?  Do you find naked female bodies to be sexually stimulating and arousing?

If it is the act of penetration that is stimulating and arousing to you, and not necessarily WHO is doing it, this can be significant. A straight guy seeing a man penetrating another man anally might find it exciting, but it is not the gay part exciting him, it is penetrating someone anally that is exciting to him, and he can do this in straight sex, assuming she is willing (many women vend it pleasurable). On the other end, Straight men have been getting-off on anal stimulation for thousands of years, as found in ancient texts, although it is typically with fingers, toys, or a woman using a strap-on. For Lesbians, seeing penetration in Straight Porn might turn you on, but it is not the men that are the turn on, but rather the sexual act of penetration that is the turn-on.  If it is the act of penetration, this is something that can be done is Lesbian sex too, using toys, strap-ons, etc.

Finally, what if you think you are gay or lesbian, but after watching some gay porn, part of it turns you off or even seems disgusting?  Particularly if you are a virgin, certain acts might seem like a real turn off, but in the real world it will feel very different when you are crazy about a person and want every part of him. Some things like anal sex might seem dirty and disgusting, but it is typically very clean because the receptive person cleans himself out, and if you are crazy about the guy, who cares?  At the same time, some things might turn you on in a video that you would not want to do for real. Like maybe being spanked or bound and gagged turns you on  to see it, but you would never want to actually do it.  This is normal, because FANTASY is often about things we would not do for real.



WOMEN OFTEN FIND GAY MEN TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND

Some women and girls get frustrated because they fall for guys who turn out to be Gay.  Women and girls can often sense the underlying sexual tension of straight men and boys.  Some thrive in it, but it can get old, especially when women are working in a male dominated workplace, and especially so when women and girls have been sexually harmed by men.  For a woman or girl, being around a Gay man or boy can feel more comfortable and safe, even if they have no idea he is Gay.

Many Gay men and boys have women and girls as their best friends or a very close friends.



WHEN MEN or BOYS ARE RAPED

When Boys or Men are anally raped, especially when done over a period of time, like when kidnapped, in Juvenile Detention, or in Prison, or any time that the pain of forceable penetration is low, they may end up getting erections, orgasming, and ejaculating, which can cause an even deeper shame and a questioning of their sexuality, thinking they must be Gay. Further, most Boys and Men can experience an erection when feeling great fear. Unfortunately, boys and men almost always keep rape a secret and never learn the truth about why their body reacted that way.

When the prostate gland in boys and men is being rhythmically impacted or massaged during anal sex or rape, it is a natural response of the male body to get an erection, experience pleasure, and sometimes even orgasm and ejaculate without ever having touched himself during the sex or rape. If you are being raped, this can really make a guy think he is Gay, but again, it is purely mechanical.

Even worse is when the rapist or others accuse the victim of liking to be raped, further increasing feelings of guilt and shame, and questioning of their sexual orientation.

If you know any boys or men who are victims of rape, be sure to explain this to them. There is no cause for shame or the questioning of their sexuality.



WHEN GIRLS or WOMEN ARE RAPED

Something that can greatly add to the shame and guilt felt by Girls and Women who are raped, is if their body responds with an orgasm.  This is most likely to happen if held over a period time, or any time the pain of forceable rape is low.  It is again a Natural response of the body, and can happen to her even when she is terrified, feeling horrified, and in mental anguish.

Many people falsely assume and ACCUSE women who experience an orgasm in rape that she must enjoy being raped, which is a disgusting and outrageous thing to say, or accuse a woman of.  Even worse is when the Rapist himself is taunting her with the fact.  Even other women can be judgmental about this when a woman is raped, but is again a natural body response. Different women will respond in different ways, and fear and terror can affect people differently.



FORCED CHANGING OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

Sexual Identity can actually be changed against one's nature, but it is debatable about how much so.  For example, a person who is primarily heterosexual, but secondarily homosexual or incidentally homosexual, could be forced into changing sexual identity to homosexual.

In prison, rape is common, BUT relationships are also common, typically stemming from "protector" and "protected" relationships.  It is NOT just a matter of sex.  Most human beings will crave and NEED intimacy to survive. Additionally, there is chemistry involved. The hormone "Oxytocin," is secreted by both sexes during orgasm. Oxytocin, is the key to monogamy and long-term attachment. It has also been dubbed the "cuddling" chemical, which also helps new mothers make milk and bond with their babies. The longer two men or two women are having sex, even just out of necessity, the more they will bond and form a loving relationship.

When Straight men are incarcerated for very long time periods, or for life, they engage in homosexual sex out of necessity.  Many of the smaller less strong men do not do so out of desire, but do so out of the need for protection from rape and violence from the general prison population. But over time, there is also a need for intimacy and bonding for both, helped by the hormone Oxytocin. These relationships can become strong and loving. But on release from prison, they revert back to heterosexual behavior.

Some women are so brutalized by men that they cannot bring themselves to ever be intimate with a man again, and sometimes cannot even bear the touch of a man. But they still have a need for intimacy and bonding. Which is why some women adopt a Lesbian lifestyle, despite being primarily heterosexual.  There needs to be enough homosexuality in her sexual spectrum to allow this to happen.  If you encounter a Man-Hating Lesbian who even discriminates against Gay men, chances are she became a Lesbian by choice, due to abuse at the hands of men.

It is easier for Straight women to become Lesbians or Bisexuals than it is for Straight men to become Gay or Bisexual.  This is because women can be sexually aroused by either gender, regardless of her biological sexual orientation. Male sexual arousal is driven by their biological sexual orientation. Therefore, conditions have to be more extreme for men to change their sexual identity.



ASEXUALITY

ASEXUALITY is when you permanently lack a Sex-Drive (Libido). Asexuality is not a Sexual Orientation. Asexual people have a Sexual Orientation, and can have Romantic Attraction and Desire for a person, but have no Sexual Drive. If you never desire sexual intimacy, and never feel sexual attraction or arousal to anyone or from fantasy, then you are Asexual. You are not Asexual if you abstain from sex due to a fear of intimacy or sex, or aversion to sex, for other intimacy issues, for religious reasons or for psychological reasons.  People who are Celibate-by-Choice or who are Autosexual are not Asexual.   [Autosexual: Those who prefer masturbation over partnered sex.]

You are either born Asexual, or it can happen later in life, from problems in the brain at birth or that develop later, due to injury to the brain, tumor, etc.

THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL:

TESTOSTERONE: Sexual Drive (Libido) is driven and regulated by Testosterone in both males & females. If you have a low or zero sex-drive, Testosterone levels should be checked.  If Testosterone is too low, Testosterone supplements can be used to regain your sex-drive [available in gels, underarms (like a deodorant), patches, etc.].

MEDICATIONS: Some Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants and antipsychotics, some hormonal contraceptives, opioids and beta blockers can suppress Libido, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).

PSYCHOLOGICAL:
Sexual libido can also be completely shut down for psychological reasons—this is not Asexuality. Some of these reasons can be obvious, and others more hidden and subtle.
    FEAR: Fear of Intimacy, fear of sex, fear of being hurt and fear of the emotions and vulnerability of sex can easily shut down Libido. This can be especially true if you have already been emotionally damaged in dating, or witnessed it in others. Most are not even conscious of this process.  You might fear AIDS or STDs. Body Shame can shut you down.
    STRESS, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY in your life can easily shut libido off in some people. This can happen from your home or school environment, from tragedies in your life, stress from growing up LGBTQ, a dysfunctional family, home problems, living with an addict, being bullied, pressure for grades and career, and physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE can also get shut down sexually.
THE ASEXUAL MASTURBATION PARADOX:
The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis.

When you truly have No Libido, you typically have no desire to masturbate—I experienced this when drug treatments shut down my libido—but one may sometimes do it to alleviate discomfort. However, some Asexual-identified people say that the mechanical process of masturbation gives them physical pleasure, without experiencing desire or using fantasy or pornography. Because sexual nerves are only one component of the sexual pleasure equation, nothing but mechanical masturbation yields a lot less perceived sensation, and thus it tends to happen less and less frequently over time.

Some people who only engage in masturbation, tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, and use sexual fantasy or pornography to masturbate, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, but this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.



©Matthew Barry 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014

Updated Section on Sexual Spectrums 01-29-14, & general clean-up of deviation after DA changed its HTML coding.


Where are you on the Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive, and Masculinity/Femininity?


Gender-Sexuality is a wide and continuous spectrum:
A Spectrum from 100% Heterosexual to 100% Homosexual and everything in-between,
A Spectrum from Male to Female to 3rd Gender and Transgender,
A Spectrum from Masculinity to Femininity and Effeminacy,
A Spectrum from No Sex Drive (Asexual) to a Very High Sex Drive (Hypersexuality).
EVERY HUMAN BEING IS A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THE ABOVE SPECTRUMS.

For some of us, the journey to understanding our nature, and then to find self-acceptance of it, can be a confusing and difficult quagmire, often fraught with angst and turmoil, especially when denial and/or internalized homophobia are involved.

When I was 11 years-old, I knew that I was different from other boys and that I liked boys the way I was supposed to like girls. I did not even know what sex was until age 19, but I dreamed of holding another boy in my arms and kissing him. I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12, just to be torn apart when he returned to the UK.

For me, it was the journey to self-acceptance and self-love, at a time when almost everyone felt you were better off dead than Gay, that was full of turmoil, guilt, shame, depression, and self-hatred, before I finally was able to overcome it all and find the freedom to love myself as a Gay man.

To better understand what your Sexual Identity is, it is a good idea to first understand the different aspects of human sexuality.

Almost nothing of value is taught about human sexuality in school. My purpose here was to give you enough information to better understand yourself, while also being very brief.

Feel free to contact me with questions.



GENDER & SEXUAL IDENTITY SYMBOLS (For the Image at Top of Page)

It is important to make a distinction between Symbols for an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S Gender & Sexual Identity, and for a RELATIONSHIP’S Gender & Sexual Identity.

Top Row
    1. Male Homosexuality (Gay) or Gay Relationship 2. Female Homosexuality (Lesbian) or Lesbian Relationship 3. Intersexual or Transgender Person 4. Heterosexual Person 5. Transgender Person
Bottom Row:
    1. Transgendered 2. Heterosexual Relationship 3. Male Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with Two Males & One Female 4. Female Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with One Male & Two Females 5. Intersexual or Hermaphroditic
Not Shown:
    1. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Males: Three Interlocking Mars Symbols 2. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Females: Three Interlocking Venus Symbols 3. Asexuality, Sexless or Genderless: Medium White Circle Base 4. Neuter: This is in fact the shape of the original (medieval) "Venus" symbol (depicting a hand mirror - a circle with a vertical line at the bottom).



You may also find some of my other GLBT writings to be of interest:

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must have made
 CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968
THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality
SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC
SODOM & GOMORRAH DESTROYED BY ASTEROID ON 6-29-3129 BCE
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 
 SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC

The Following are all Hot linked, just click on a title to go there:





Add a Comment:
 
:iconslippymagnus:
Inspired Creativity?
You are a genius, and if not, I'd only feel comfy letting you recieve the title "More Tolerant Than Most". I am impressed with your ability to Cull the Unknown from the Fact.

You have an obvious talent for explaining Human Psychology, physical and otherwise, but this really shines once you view it through anothers eyes. I was never curious about my own gender or anything like that, but i'm sure that people are. You having the Gonads (proverbial or no) to dispell the fog-of-war surrounding these issues is Enlightening and influential.

Go forth and continue updating, editing and expanding upon the ideas listed inside of this "paper".... I'm off to go re-read this monster.

Ciao!
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:iconbluedude67:
Besides one technical error (at the top of where is says "within all of those spectrum, every combination is possible" was a little confusing. I wasn't sure what you meant or what those combinations were. this was very well written. It has helped me with thinking about everything I am and not only focusing on the Sex. I want to thank you for writing this, something so long must have been very hard.

The part where you are talking about sexuality and Sexual identity was a little confusing, the bisexual part might need a little more work. I think some more info, or details with the levels, also could be called labels, would be very helpful. I didn't completely understand your differences between Bisexual and "primarily gay secondary straight. Nor what incidentally straight/gay meant.

You did a fair job with the asexual, however maybe a supportive piece could be added or just add more info on why they are like that and how to "deal with it" or some more info on the way in which they are asexual but still in relationships.

OH! and the part about fantasies being about non-sexual things was a huge eye opener for me.

Overall well done and thank you for posting this.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, I never loved anyone or so think I, and I don't have any sexual fantasy really.... According to what you said I wouldn't be able to know my sexual identity..?


I feel I am absolutely no complete hetero, and I woudn't like my first relationship to be a woman. I feel I'm mostly bisexual but I prefer males... pff fucking life...


And the only person I really had a crush on is a model I never knew. I suffered a lot and I still do since he became a biological she.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
It can take much longer for some people to discover their gender and sexual identity. For some women it can take into their early 20s to figure out. Girl's sexual identity does not typically fully correlate to her sexual arousal , like it does for boys. Romantic attraction is a better indicator in girls, and because this can develop later in both girls and boys, it can take longer for some girls to figure out who they are really sexually and romantically attracted to.  With boys, their sexual identity usually matches their sexual arousal, but sometimes they can't tell until their puberty settles down, if they are not solidly heater or homo.

It was very clear for me because I was attracted to boys before puberty, and when puberty started I was following around cute boys.  I did not find out what sex was until I was 19.  It was another time in history, no sex education, no internet, and I was autistic, very innocent and naive, and isolated.  Yet, I confessed to my Aunt, "I like boys the way I'm supposed to like girls" on my 13th birthday. I fell in love with Anton at age 12, long before I knew anything of sex.  I was completely drawn to boys and had zero attraction to girls, and even though they would be pretty, I would not gaze at them and keep sneaking looks at them, or dream about them or fantasize. I could not have sexual fantasy because I knew nothing sexual, but I could fantasize of holding hands, hugging and kissing. 

I had a woman tell me she did not notice any attractions to boys or girls and had no romantic thought until mostly through college.  She said she was so focused on school and career in science she had to time for thinking about boys or girls that way, but it really sounds like she was simply a late bloomer in the world of romance and attraction. Because once she noticed, it was suddenly a big deal.

I have also had virgin girls and boys tell me they prefer one gender sexually and the other gender romantically, but this shows confusion from not being able sort-out and interpret the various feelings.  With tome and experience it sorts itself out.

So, give yourself more time.  You brain does not even finish developing until about age 25.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm in my 20's almost. 

One thing I can't stand in life is not being able to assume which human being I'm attracted to. I can stand mediocrity, I can stand evil, I can stand violence, I can stand racism...
I can't stand only one thing: Not to be able to portray beauty. Life has no sense if it's like that. I want to believe there's no alchemistry of my attraction. I want ti feel I can see beauty and apreciate it even when I won't be appreciated myself. I don't really need other's appreciation 8I do but I can learn not to need it), but I need something out there to life for. Just  a single reason string enough. I don't need to be loved, I don't even need sex at all, I just need hope. If I have no hope then I have no readon to life at all. Then how does it matter if I die and disappear or I die and became an spiritual force? I just need to see sonething to fight for in this battlefield. If I know something like that and I can protray it in my mind and partialy see it in others, then I have some hope.
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Ive cared about so many men and women, It only helped them cut relation out better.

I've cared of men, of women and I've tried to be true to them. 
I never felt what people calls love but my crush made my life have sense, which is somewhat love someway. I feel sexual attraction for male and females.



There's just no way to show anything of it to anyone. There's just no time to get close to a single being, they get angry/bored of me and cut out before. And wehn I have time to care and be myself, it just ends worse.




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I don't want more time I just want hope. A reason to live.

I'm more mature than many adults. I have to thank this to my french education and spetialy to my father who built on me a critical spirit.




Id'n't wanna fantasize, I don't need it. I just can't support anyhting more to be confused. I was confused all my life until now. I just need to know I like and I'm able to appreciate beauty. I know it has no sense as I say it but I can't experience any strong feeling for anyone with virtualy no friends or rather anyone but my family around. And I got enough "duty", I just wanna get rid of them.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Love is not automatic.  I never knew love as a boy.  When my first boyfriend asked me if I loved him, I said, "I'm sure what love looks like, can you tell me?" he was hurt, but I was honest.  I struggled to understand this thing called love and I asked many people what it was and how you knew, and peopled, "You just know when it is love," but I did not know.  I went to the library to study books about love, and I still did not know it.  I lookout at what is common between every form of love I have heard of, and what I found in common was shared intimacy and connection.  I thought about how I felt living with Don and doing things with him, and if my life felt better with him than without him, and how life felt worth living when i was with him, so I decided I still did not know for sure, but it was close enough for me.  Once I committed myself to him, my heart and mind, I found love and what it meant with him as time passed.  When i lost that love, betrayed, I forgave, let go and recognized love the second time around.  The love was betrayed too, but I never have regretted the wonderful years I did have with them.  I would not let my hear be poisoned,but I also lost my freinds when i told them I was Gay, and ended up trying to kill myself.

I opened my heart again, and found the man I have been with for 25 years, and know, without doubt, I will die with him at my side, not abandoning me.  Each time I lost love, I found a great love, I appreciated the love more, and I learned more about how to nurture it better.

When you are depressed and without hope, it is very hard for your heart to open for love.  Love itself is a form of hope, something you believe in and risk everything for.

Care and affect are things of love, but incomplete.

Let me tell you about why you can live.  I tired to de at age 13 by jumping off a highway overpass, in from of a truck, but just as i went over, a man grabbed my feet. I was angry, i wanted to die, but I lived.  I wanted to die at age 18, with a flare gun, but two days before I would gain access to the gun, the men of my division, in the Academy, started talking with me.  i was shocked.  Boys had always rejected me and build me, and these guys seemed to like me.  My life shifted, and they become my new family, and rough and as cruel as they could be at times/, they accepted me.

When I was 24, I could no longer stand living a lie, alone, no one to talk to, and I had the barrel of my brother's gun in my mouth.  I decided that honor demanded that I at least try to come-out to my very Catholic family, and i wrote a quick letter to my younger sister, telling her I was gay.  She did not know that if she rejected me, I planned on killing me, but she phoned me to say she loved me no matter what.  Alas, My mother said she would rather me be dead, but I did not give up on her and i refused to compromise or play games of me being straight in her presence. She came to fully accept me and she insisted my next partner caller Mother and told him he was her son too.  My father and twin brothers very much surprised me with their acceptance, because I expected the very, very worse.

At age 34, i came very close to dying, and only a fluke accident saved my life.  I finally got some help for codependency (needing to take care of men), depression and low self worth.  I knew I had to overcome my autism and depression, or die.  I had to push myself past terror to meet new strangers each night, introduce myself and try to socialize with them. My autism was supposed to make dancing impossible for me to do, but I just kept trying, for years, and become good enough to teach dance.  I built a new life around new freinds, dancing and my volunteer work.


If I had died at age 13 or 18, I never would have made so many good freinds, experienced adventures around the world, accomplished big things, and 10 great years of love with my first two partners.  Try to go to sea for 2 to 4 months, them come home the same amount of time, again and again, and see how long a relationship lasts, especially with horny men who apparently cannot wait for 2 months for sex.  Hey, just in case you did not realize it, we love out men, but men can be real PIGS, lol.

If I had died at age 34, I never would have experience the period of my greatest happiness and joy, nor would I have met my husband of 25 years.

DEATH IS THE END.  There is nothing else, no heaven, no hell, just the end.  Death is the END of ALL POSSIBILITIES. It means no more chances to expense great love, new adventures, or new freinds.

Look, i was like you.  I saw zero hope of ever being happy.  i felt utter despair enough to keep trying to die.  But look how wrong I was.  I am very thankful that I failed to die, despite how hard I kept trying.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
It hurts when u talk about diying. I don't want u to die... 


I couldn't stand a family like urs. I can't stand my own and they're openminded.


u were like me, but more tortured than I'm. I still don't want to wait 30 years to live my life.
In my deep heart I dn't believe in absolute materialism, I think there's something above us and before. 
In my deep heart I believe in my teens metaphysics. 
But in my own opinion, what's before and after us isn't anything similar to our reality. It's not a material lace with demons. I'm not yuppily spiritualist.
I think something more hermetic and unimaginable lies at the thickness of a shadow, just as Prattchet said.
I'm ashamed of thinking so...
But I believe that's where i'd go if I die. 



It isn't smething recomforting, heavenly, nice to know. But it's something I can acceptate.



After dying, I'll "go" where things scream out of time and space,  as Lovecraft said.

I'm sorry I randomly told that to u but I completely trust u, and I appreciate u. And I want to tell u what I think no mater what it's on.





 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I would like to live longer and maybe i will.  I cannot know the future, so why should I worry about it?  I therefore live each day, trying to get the very most out of each day. I am relatively happy and content.  Yes, life could sure be a lot better and I could be happier, but this is the hand of cards I have been dealt, so now it is up to me to make the most of those cards.

You have the opportunity to live an amazing life that I could not. Why throw it away?  Want to trade bodies? Wow, I would have an amazing life. Why not take the opportunities I did not? 

You look backwards and think your life is not so good, then you look forward and think it will be the same.  It is only the same if you let it. 

I am happy for those who take comfort in their beliefs about what happens after death.  Your version is just as good as others.   I have no such comfort and I am fine with that.  When it come to spirituality about what happens after death and before birth, nobody knows, just as nobody knows if there is a god—it cannot be proven or disproven.  When people say their believe they know what will happen after death, it is usually something to make them feel better about dying, to give them something to look forward, especially if they are suffering.

When I die, I might be pleasantly surprised. I am open minded to ALL POSSIBILITIES, but believe in none of them…lol.

No need to apologize, express yourself with pride. I am listening.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't want to talk about death. It's only nice in fiction.


I don't say to myself I believe on it. It's just behind trying to get out

And evidently I  prefer to feel it won't be the end. I can't stand to ver die and it to be the end. It drives me deadly mad, ultra crazy. It's too much uncomfrotable.


I don't take comfort in after-life. Am not spiritual not religious too. I just think than if I can believe in realist supernaturalthings in my fiction I can do it in reality cuz nothing says it's impossible.



I would feel more intimacy with you if I could share my creation with you too. It's the only thing making me push forawrd, so I would like to share it with you too.



I'm not throwing anything away. I just need to rest. I need to relax, I can't properly act this way. I need to feel better first to do what matters.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I am not sure what you mean by sharing your creation with me.  Since we are already talking by Note, why don't you include this in your next Note to me.
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(1 Reply)
:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Edited Jan 9, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
This is the Bible
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I'm a woman and I've been confused lately about my sexuality. It never troubled me before, I always was like assuming things, I thought I was bisexual for a while, but I've never felt aroused by a man's kiss and I'm virgin and I've never been with a woman (kissing, sleeping). Ive never been in love, and even when I've liked men, the idea of getting into a relationship with one doesn't motivate me. I feel more emotionally attached to women, it always has been like it, and when I got to the part where appears the question about "who would you prefer to wake up with beside you?" or something like that, and I inmediately thought "A woman. Women are so soft and warm..." but I don't think that makes this clearer either. It''s so hard.I wish it was less complicated. May be I am the complicated one.
Sometimes I think it's a thing of roles. I don't like the passive role that society often applies to women, I don't feel myself in it, so I feel like... if I was a man and gay, this would be less difficult. I'd like to share a relationship of equality with a person and I don't get it with a man if I am a woman. And wouldn't like to be with a woman like that if I was a man, but it wouldn't be equality either, not in this system, not in this society and that frustrates me.
Sorry my grammar, I'm latinamerican.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, you are very welcome.

I am impressed with your drawings and I will try to find some time to comment  on it soon, but no guarantees.  I am a bit swamped with work right now.

For those of us who are very homosexual or very heterosexual there is no confusion, but for everyone else, there can be some confusion or a great deal of confusion.  Remember that you are a blend, a mix of heterosexual and homosexual.  The question is which one you lean the most towards, women or men? In my experience, women appreciate the companionship far more than sex in a relationship.

I know a woman who is equally attracted to men and women sexually, but she never fell in love with the men she dated and something seemed to be missing.  When she dated a woman, it felt right, comfortable. This happened two more times and she concluded that in reality, when is really a lesbian.  She is married to a woman now, for some 15 years.  I have been with Greg for 25 years.

You may not understand your sexual identity until you have dated both men and woman, to see what feels right.

Fear can block love from taking shape. If part of you is afraid of homosexual love and lifestyle, it can shut that part of you down partially, and sometimes fully. It can also be challenging to approach a woman you are attracted to.  There are ways of helping you know.  For example, if you make direct eye contact with her and let your eyes linger to a bit too long, and she she returns it, it is your fist sign of possible interest.

I think this is even harder for you because the female role in society is more rigid in Latin American than in Europe or North America. It can also be very difficult when a girl has some masculinity.  Straight women can have some masculinity, and well as Lesbians.  I know a straight women who has almost never worn a dress, never wears cosmetics, but she also has a feminine side as well.  Women who are different do not fit well in a rigid society like Arabian countered and your country.

In your country, I understand that it is not that easy to be homosexual.  The church is strong there and has a lot of influence.  This also makes it hard to admit you like people the same gender as you.  You would not want to be homosexual.  I grew up this way so I know how it feels.

PASSIVE/ACTIVE ROLES or DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE ROLES:

Passive/Active Roles & Dominant/Submissive Roles can refer to relationship roles and Sexual roles.  The most important thing to understand about these roles is that it more attitude than anything else.  It is the role you feel yourself to be in.  a man can command and demand, but int the history of mankind, women have often directly controlled such men in their own ways.  My point is that it starts with the role YOU CHOOSE for yourself. Even women in some Muslim cultures who are treated like slaves can actually be the ones in control.  It starts with your attitude, your self-worth and self-confidence.

ROLES IN RELATIONSHIPS: I do not believe that you have to take a passive role in a relationship, Straight or Gay.  You can find a husband or wife who Loves you for who you are and will not be bothered by you wanting an equal role and to be respected equally.  Such men exist, although they may be harder to find in your country.

ROLES IN SEX: Passive/Active Roles & Dominant/Submissive Roles also exist in sexuality.  But this is very misunderstood.  Most people assume that because a women is being penetrated by man it means she is passive, but this is FALSE.  A woman can be in control, be the active partner.  The same is true of a Gay man being penetrated by another man.  He can be either in the passive or active role, or both.   I don’t want to make you blush, but I could explain in more graphic terms.

Do not settle for less than what you want.  If you find yourself liking a man a lot, then tell him outright that you do not take a passive rile in a relationship and expect an equal role. If he cannot live with that, he will stop seeing you.  You will find a man willing to give you an equal role.  Otherwise, if it turns out that you fall in love with a woman, it should not be a problem, but some lesbians are very controlling and you will have to insist again that you will not take a passive role.

If you have any private questions for me, you can sent me a DeviantArt Note.

I wish you the very best and hope you find love soon.

Matthew
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:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
wow, that's a good explanation
don't be afraid of being graphic, I write homoerotic love novels, gay and lesbian.
I think it's clearer now. What is a struggle is the fact that I haven't been been in love, and that makes this harder, but I suppose, as you say, the real answer to all of this will appear when I date both women and men.
And all reduces to find the right person, the person who accepts how I am and how I wanna be in the relationship,  but sometimes I think I'm demanding too much, that I'm dreaming too much and that no one will love and respect and accept me all at once. I'vee seen to many examples of women being with their boyfriends just because is the "normal thing", or because they got "used to it". I had a boyfriend once, actually, but I wasn't in love with him and after a while he became his real person, the demanding and a bit sexist person that made me broke up with him. Sexist in the sense that he rejects the sexual pleasure in a woman. The mere thought of a woman liking sex was just wrong for him and that made me almost hate him. He practically called me a whore.

And yes, in ycountry the thing with church being so awfully present in everything, from politics to ways of thinking doesn't make it easy. In my city a lesbian girl was killed last year and also, there was this guy, Daniel Zamudio, who was beaten to death in 2012, so... it's practically suicidal to be openly gay in this country, unles you are in television or rich. Even then, I doubt it.
But I just hope I fall in love, that's the most important thing, and I suspect the only way will be if I know a person profoundly, not before that. I've known and seen very beautiful -physically- people in my life, and my best friend always falls for them, and I'm there like... "how can you like him? you don't know a thing about him". And the same happens with pretty women. I don't feel a thing.
Thank you for your advice. It's so awesome how much you know about this, or at least how clear it is to you. Thanks for sharing your knowledge, again.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Try letting go of Expectations and not be demanding.You will meet someone who ‘Feels’ right and who is accepting and loves who you are.  Yes, there are this who want conservative conventional women to fill traditional roles, but there are also those who love unique, independent minded and special women, for the tend to be alive with life.

For me to meet someone, I had to force myself out to be social and go to places where I could find someone. Even social events for artists, or event for other things that interest you can be a good way to meet people.

Most people wear a mask when they date.  You mentioned a boyfriend who eventually showed who he is really is. The trouble with using  mask is that if someone falls in love with you, they fell in love with the mask, not you.  For me, the most important thing about a person is how open and honest they are.  How deeply with they share with you who they are inside, how they feel, in a honest way.

Making Love and Having sex are very different things.  When ‘Having Sex,’ the focus in on your own personal pleasure.  When ‘Making Love,’ your focus is on pleasing your partner, and this in turn gives you pleasure.  

If a man is not focused on pleasing the woman or man he is with, he is not ready for love, for he only knows how to love himself. For you, there is also a need to willing to love, to let someone in, to open yourself and be seen.  A person must open their door to let someone in, for love to happen.

People normally easily fall in lust, a pheromone chemical attraction that make you obsessive and crazy abut pome for weeks or months. But most of these fail because they did not wok on actually building real love int hat period.  They just rode the wave until it ran out. Building real love mens sharing activities, sharing hear, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, dreams, sharing who we are.

THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
When we have a CRUSH ON SOMEONE, it really does change your brain chemistry in a positive way. How strong your crush is will determine the strength of your brain's response.
When you get a crush or start falling in love, you can get huge surges of energy, euphoria and exhilaration. Beside the rush of endorphins, high levels of dopamine suppress the calming and sensible influence of serotonin, another neuro-chemical that influences mood. In normal doses, serotonin is the antidote to stress; the chemical that calms and relaxes us. But when the brain is drenched in dopamine, serotonin is silenced.
The silence of serotonin serves genetic purposes too, as low levels make us obsess about our newfound lover. New love can look like a mental illness and, during the early stages of romance, the chemical make-up of men's and women's brains is no different from those suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). F
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE

It is easier to be open in the large cities of Mexico. Is chile this way?

Your head can get in the way of your heart.  There is NO LOGIC or senseless in love.  You may be very different for him or her. Greg and I are opposites.

There is a better way to find love that to date people you find very beautiful and sexy.  We all know what it is like when we meet someone and very quickly feel a natural liking and comfort with that person, and know you could be freinds or more. If there is also some attraction then this person might be worth dating.

You do not have to like the same things or have a lot of common interests.  What is important is that both of you respect each other and the things you enjoy.  A relationship is like a team, where you each have things to contribute.  You can grow together, while also maintaining a sense of independence and freedom of choice.  Greg and I ask each before making a big decision or buying something expensive, but there is no rule to do that—we do it out of respect for each other.  We maintain separate finances, but share expenses.  There is no need to feel smothered in a relationship.

If you have a long list for what you need to see in man or woman to love, then you are far less likely to find him or her. Know what is important, then keep and open mind about everything else.

All the best…
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:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
also I've always been really tolerant about sexuality, so I let myself to question my own sexuality.
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:iconrhianai:
RhiAnai Featured By Owner Edited Jan 6, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Only thing I'd correct you on, Matt, is that Sexual Orientation and Romantic Orientation are separate orientations (A person can be pansexual homoromantic, for instance), and your essay blurs the distinction by saying Sexual Orientation is not (the definition of sexual orientation) but IS (the definition of Romantic Orientation). Separating the two may make for a more complex nomenclature, but it's technically more accurate.

And I'm calling you Matt because I remember when you and I had to try and keep a short leash on a certain tempermental 13-year-old who was trying to run an LGBT group on dA (and doing a poor job of it).
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Beth? Is that the name I should use?  Sorry, I would need another memory-jogger to place you.  I am autistic and have bad memory.  I hope said young one is doing Ok.  Oh to be young again.  He meant well, but I wish he would have been willing to listen, negotiate, compromise…

The purpose of this particular essay is to help young people try to figure out at least roughly what their Identity is.  Many identities do not actually firm-up until around age 25 or so, but there is a lot of angst in young people to understand what they are at a young age.  I had an 11-year-old girl asking me questions on this essay.  I have tired to simplify everything as best as possible. Alas, this essay has consumed every character DA allows, with less than ten character left.

If I had my way, there would only be one designation, Sexual Minorities.  Everyone wants their own letters added to the alphabet soup after LGBT.  I focused on Biologic Orientation, without subgrouping or preferences.  By my last count, there are over 50 subgroups, and then when you combine them, as in pansexual homoromantic, the sky is the limit.

Next, consider that Primarily Gay men can have sex with women successfully and enjoy it, Primarily Straight men can have sex with men and enjoy it,  Primarily Lesbian women can have sex with men successfully and enjoy it, Primarily Straight women can have sex with women and enjoy it.  It may not be what they prefer, but they can do it.

Sexual Orientation cannot be defined in terms of sex, nor can it be defined in terms of attraction. We can look at bisexuality as an example:

THE BISEXUAL ENIGMA: When we look at Bisexuality, its ordinary definition is defined as attraction to people of two genders, but this definition actually makes no sense in reality. Given how all humans are a blend of on a spectrum from heterosexual to homosexual, the vast majority of the human race is therefore bisexual.  If you have a person 85% Straight and 15% Homosexual, there can be enough homosexual present to have some homosexual attraction, although it would not be consciously recognized.   Therefore, where you do decide at what point on an arbitrary scale is a person Bisexual, or any other orientation?  Attraction alone cannot define sexual orientation as we now understand it biologically.

The dictionary definitions given are worthless in the face of the science of human sexuality.  The only real way to make a distinction between the arbitrary labels of Bisexuality, Homosexuality and Heterosexuality, and the subdivisions of Primarily Het/Secondarily Hom, Primarily Hom/Secondarily Het, etc, is by the use of Romantic attraction.

A man who can have sex with either men of women say nothing of orientation.  A man who has some attraction to both genders also cannot define his orientation.  The final determiner is what gender that person has the most natural affinity and rapport with, or if you wits, a Romantic Attraction, which defines who he will form long-term romantic relationships with.

The next problems is that there is no way to know if a person is 70% Homosexual–30% Heterosexual, or any other mix.  It is a big guessing game.  The only way we can guess is by observing our sexual attractions and romantic attractions.  The problem with this is that there are many psychologic and environmental influences that can skew a person’s observations, where entire aspects of sexuality can be suppressed, or exaggerated or distorted.  This makes determining Sexual Identity very difficult for many young people.

Another twist on Sexual Orientation is the Brain’s Adaptability: Your brain will try to adapt its sexuality as needed to survive or fulfill needs.  For example, straight men given life sentences or very long sentences, can form romantic/sexual relationships (not based in rape), out of the basic human need for loving companionship, and sex become based unrolls of protector/provider.  In cased when such men have been release, they revert right back to their heterosexuality pattern.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION > ROMANTIC ATTRACTION & SEXUAL ATTRACTION:

Ok, let us now look at when Sexual Attraction is Bisexual, and Romantic Attraction is Homosexual.  We can look at a woman I know who is Sexually Attracted to both males and females, but her only Romantic Attractions have been with women.  She chooses to identify herself as a Lesbian, because that is her real-world experience, what she is in all practicality, who she hangs out, her parter’s identity, etc.  Now, you could give her another fancy label, like Bi-Homoromantic, or whatever, but less than 99% of the human race will have no idea what it means.  

CONCLUSION:  

I AGREE with you that can define Sexual Orientation using a double (hyphenated) system of Sexual Attraction–Romantic Attraction although you still have the same problems of arbitrary points where Heterosexuality transitions to Bisexuality and then transitions to Homosexuality, and how young people can determine this.

But again, the problems is the over 99% of humans on the planet will have no idea what those sexual orientation labels mean, unless you use common terms and say, Gay–Gay, Bisexual–Lesbian, etc.  it would mean reeducation the world in terminology.

That said, this particular essay cannot grow unless I author it to PDF, which could happen someday.  But then in my experience, young people have little tolerance for long essays.  I can make changes if I delete something first.  I had to chop a lot out of my original to satisfy complaints about not enough coverage of asexuality, and that is a hornets nest…

I DISAGREE that Romantic Attraction should be thought of as a separate Orientation, because it is part of Sexual Orientation.  Sexual Orientation is the combination of Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction.  Note: I use the word ‘Attraction’ for want of a better word.

I gather you would like Romantic Attraction/Orientation to be a separate entity so that it can be cobbled with other niche terms.  Is this correct?  Like using Pansexuality, Genderqueer, etc?  For me, the tons of other terms are all splitting preference hairs to cull-out a special category of identity.  We need labels for identity, but getting carried away DIVIDES US into cliques, and I have already seen how people from one clique can talk in biased ways about others, like we are special compared to you.  We are all the same. We are only talking about who we chose to love, or to live with or to have sex with. I don’t really get why people want to use specialty labels almost no one else knowns, then get angry at you for knowing it.

If we look at Pansexuality, it is about attraction to any gender, in recognition of third and other gender definitions around the world, and blended genders, as opposed to Bisexuality and its flawed definition of attraction to two genders.  To me, this is splitting hairs, since the definition of bisexuality is already flawed.

Labels also objectify us. As I grew up, Gay, or Queer, or Faggot automatically meant child molester, sexual deviant, pervert addict, drunk, useless, danger to society, recruiter of children, etc.  Labels carry a lot of baggage and baggage can be good or bad.

My own personal opinion is that as a Community, we are trying to get everyone else out there to identify to the L G B T labels in a positive way, and adding tons of more terms only confuses and dilutes that message. Still I would not appose people who want their labels.

Some in the community disagree with the notion of Sexual Minorities blending into society, with society being Sexual Orientation blind, no different from gender (assuming we ever get that equal too).  They want the Gay community to be set apart so that we can maintain the Gay Mystique, Gay Culture and think assimilation is bad.  I suppose this is the kind of discussion you would have about Native Americans, so you completely assimilate, or maintain a separate culture.  In the end, it will probably be a mix of both.

Finally, I certainly have no objection, at all, how people choose to label themselves.  If this empowers then that is good.  However, we have an awful lot of bias and discriminate within the Sexual Minority community, against each other, and I would love to see that end.  You have both men and women discriminating again bisexuals in a major way, there is discrimination by Gay men against Lesbians and Lesbians against Gay men, gay men against effeminate men and on and on.

Even recently, my husband and I were meeting my sister and her wife at a Lesbian bar and restaurant, the Wildrose in Seattle.  We arrived first but the waitress pointedly ignored us.  My partner went to her to ask for a table and she turned her back on him.  I can’t stand for long, so we sat down at a table and some 6 or so women glared us in a hateful way.  When my sister and her wife showed up, they looked around, came over to us and suggested we should go elsewhere.  You know those women hate it when people treat them that way, so why would they treat there own brothers that way?  Such is humanity.

All the best, Matthew
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:iconrhianai:
RhiAnai Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Beth works (though I'm trying to slowly get people to start using Ravyn). The group was something like GLBT-Pride-Group or some other nonsense. Little boy blue got upset that you accidentally deleted something of his and kicked you out, despite my arguing in your defense. His account has since been deleted from deviantArt.

My primary reason for saying that sexual orientation and romantic orientation are separate is the asexual community, actually, which exists in a state that is either completely or primarily lacking any sexual attraction whatsoever. Secondary is the group of people who are incapable of emotional attatchment on any level deep enough to be considered romantic (very top of the list being sociopathy, which is primarily identified with an inability to empathize). My final reason then becomes those who are bisexual or pansexual with an emotional preference toward a specific gender.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Ravyn, The arguing over his censorship was going on for about a month.  I posted a reply to something he said and had no idea I had some admin privileges that somehow erased the comment I was replying to. I immediately apologized but…  It was upsetting at the time because having someone hate me hurts.  I am used to it now from large numbers of Christians, who still attack me here, but I was trying to mentor him and that sure want bad. I have to say that his reactions inferred more than teenage stuff, so I think he was overreacting do whatever was going on in his life.  Enough on that, ancient history.

I agreed with you about your Bisexual reasoning, because it is basically how I describe it.  But as you say, using the double word phrasing for all the different mixes would be rather messy, and then you need to get it widely adopted.  I have tried for years to get 'Sexual Minorities' to be used more, because it would be far more inclusive than LGBT, even after adding another 6 letters.

Human Sexuality is actually very complex with all kinds of variances possible.  Trying to lump everyone into set groups is just not possible.

The Asexual Community wants to define Asexuality a Sexual Orientation, and it is not.  Asexuals are homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual, etc.  Asexuality is about LIBIDO, not sexual orientation.  A major problem in the Asexual Community is the lack of a standard definition of asexuality, with wide variances of definition and usage seen in the community.  It is really difficult because a lot of people label themselves as Asexual, when they are not. Like there is a man who has a psychologic trauma problem and is unable to be sexual with his partner.  He considers himself asexual, although going to counseling would cure him of the problem.  There are those who masturbate regularly to sexual fantasy (compared to mechanical action to receive sexual tension) and this in not asexuality.

There are people who have suppressed Libidos due to drugs that have that side effect, including antidepressants that can have a more extreme than usual affect, and psychical conditions, hormone problems (low testosterone in women can cause loss of sexual libido, and the same in men), and psychological issues.

There are those who are shut-down sexually for psychological reasons that suppress their sexuality, and this may or may not suppress romantic attraction and emotions. Psychological reasons can also shut down romantic attractions but keep sexual attraction going.  A common Intimacy affliction is due to the separation of love from sexuality.  People with this are driven to one new sexual partner after another, because sex with one person becomes bring fairly fast, even they love the person. Love acts to keep sex with the same person from getting boring, and it keep your lover looking sexy to you despite the ravages of time and gravity.  People can get this way from a childhood or young adult rape or incest, but the most common reason of all Hooking-up a great deal ( sex with no personal/emotional connection ) over an extended period of time. Love become disassociated from sex and sex it just a thing you do for pleasure.  then they fall in love and after a month or so get totally bored sexually, some the point of not being able to do it at all, then have to find  another sexual partner, and another…

There are a number of psychological issues that can completely suppress a person's sexuality.  An interesting study from the University of Georgia on Homophobia.  they recruited College students who said they were heterosexual and had only ever engaged in heterosexual sex.  They were given an extensive questionnaire to fill out, which was designed to secretly identify how Homophobic each man was. For the purpose of this study, "Homophobia" was defined as a negative emotional reaction (e.g., fear, anxiety, anger, discomfort) to homosexuality. It was measured by a questionnaire called the Index of HomophobiaThe men were each shown pornographic videos of Heterosexual, Gay, and Lesbian Sex.  Their sexual arousal was measured by penile plethysmography, which precisely measures and records male arousal (measures the circumference of their penis).   When shown the GAY Sex video, it was shown that 80% of Homophobic men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men.  The Homophobic men got moderate to full erections 46% more than non-homophobic men. This means that 46% of Homophobic men are likely Bisexual or Gay.

This can happen when 
you are raised in a severely Homophobic environment, then start to feel attractions and urges for members of your own sex, and then HATING those feelings. I know, because it is how I felt. I came to accept those feeling, but some people then consciously or subconsciously BLAME other homosexuals for the “disgusting perverted feelings” they are having. Their Fear, Hate and DENIAL strongly suppresses their own sexuality. This most often likely happens with Bisexual or 'Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight' men, but also happens to full homosexuals.  If they have trouble having sex with women, they blame the women.

CONCLUSION:
1. You raise valid points, but again, how do you create a labeling system that will be adopted and recognized by most people.  
2. I still believe that Romantic Attraction and Sexual/Physical Attraction must stay paired and not separated.  One of the two (Romantic Attraction or Sexual Attraction) might be suppressed, but it is still there.  in the case of Asexuality, it is not even a Sexual Orientation.  It is on the Libido spectrum from Asexuality to Hypersexuality.  Gender is also on its own spectrum.
3. Due to the large number of variances in Human sexuality, there is no way to lump everyone into neat 
categories and labels.  Therefore, I see the labels we use for Human Sexuality as very FUZZY and not absolute.

This is pretty much intellectual speculation and thought for us, since we have no power to change anything, but it is nevertheless useful and valuable to do.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
This has opened my eyes
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I am happy it helped.  If you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask.  If you need privacy, you can send me a Note and no one else will see it. If you do not know how, just go to my DA page and look in the upper-right corner for a button: Send a Note.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
I have a feeling that we are going to have a private talk soon. (if you don't mind)
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Freel free to contact me any time.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
thanks
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Edited Nov 4, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I like this. I do think sexuality is somewhat affected by your environment though. Making claims like this always causes a huge ass controversy because bigots are like "it's a choice" and cite studies linking homosexuality with your environment, which still would not make it a choice... logically at least. I know this is a crude, and overly negative example, but you can get cavities from not brushing your teeth ever, people don't say "you chose to get cavities". It wasn't a choice even if you weren't born with them. Logically even if your environment is 100% responsible for your sexuality and there is no "nature" side to it, only "nurture" it still wouldn't be a choice.

I know there are genetic factors and I also do not believe very many people are 100% straight or gay. There are many correlations biologically between say www.psychologytoday.com/articl… finger length and sexuality that are too perfect for anyone to discount the nature side of it. I am a bisexual male, and oddly my fingers are equal length on one of my hands with my pointer finger barely longer, and on the other one, my pattern matched that of a heterosexual male.

However I do think there does need to be more studies done on environmental factors by people who are not homophobes attempting to figure out how to stop people from being homosexual. 

From experience at points in my life I thought I was basically gay, I was attracted to a few women few and far between, and others I thought I was completely bi. Now I am in my first hetero relationship, and I find myself still attracted to some guys, but not as many proportionately. I still have sexual desires and stuff most "100%" heterosexuals wouldn't have in a million years, but mostly now I am only thinking about my girlfriend. I think I am bi, but my environment at the moment definitely affects me.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Brain,

Thanks for writing.

Keep in mind that when talking about Human Sexuality, that every single human being’s Sexuality is a blend of 4 Spectrums, GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, MASCULINITY/FEMININITY, & LIBIDO.  A person can be a mix of an almost infinite number of combinations.  You can have a straight man who id effeminate and a Straight woman who is masculine, a Gay man who is hyper-masculine and a Lesbian who is Hyper-feminine.  LABELS like Homosexual, Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual, Bisexual, etc, are very ARBITRARY.  Is a man who is 42% Gay and 58% Straight Bisexual?  Where do you draw the lines?  The lines are drawn in reality by how people choose to identify themselves.

You are right that environmental influences on Human Sexuality.  Actually, genetics only produces a genetic PROPENSITY toward a homosexuality nature, however much that might be, or a transgender nature, and it is environmental influences on the fetus in the womb that actually cause.

I will talk about Environmental influences on Sexual Identity, after birth, further down.

There are genetic propensities to produce homosexual children that are linked to the X-Chromosome.  One such gene [ XQ28 ] has already been isolated, but there is more than one gene involved.   Therefore, the propensity to produce homosexual children, from this particular gene, is passed down on the female side of the family, from mother to daughter.  If a woman has this propensity, it is increased if she has previously given birth to a boy or boys.  Each boy born increased the odds of producing a Gay son, but of course she can produce a gay first-born son as well.  If a woman with the propensity to produce homosexual children is exposed to certain environmental factors during one of the two critical sexing-out periods of fetal development, this can also increase the odds of producing a homosexual child.

All of this comes down to the hormonal balances that the fetus is exposed to in the mother's womb during the sexing-out phases of Fetal Development.  The hormonal balance that the fetus is exposed to during the first sexing-out phase determines if the brain of the child will be biased more towards heterosexuality or homosexuality, and the fetal brain will then develop to be anywhere on the Sexual Orientation spectrum, with the greater majority being biased towards heterosexuality.

IDENTICAL TWINS — WHY DO SOME TWINS HAVE ONE WHO IS GAY & ONE WHO IS STRAIGHT?

52% of Identical Twin brothers are both Gay.  22% of Fraternal Twin brothers are both Gay.  Each twin in the mother's womb is in its own Amniotic Sac, each filled with its own Amniotic fluid.  There can be a different hormonal balance in each amniotic sac, which means that one twin can be exposed to a hormone balance that produces a homosexual baby, while the other twin can be exposed to a hormone balance that produces a heterosexual baby.  There are a number of factors that can cause one fetal sac to have a different hormonal balance than the other, such as one being stressed more than the other.

WHY HAS EVOLUTION NOT WIPED OUT HOMOSEXUALITY?

You may have wondered why homosexuality has survived evolution throughout human history, and even in thousands of other animal species, when you would think the evolutionary selection would have eliminated us.  After all, we do not father as many children.  It turns out that the genes, such as XQ28, are also the same genes that increase fecundity (producing an abundance of offspring) in the human race. Looking at the family trees of homosexuals shows more offspring than families without homosexuality.

I can explain Transgender birth also, if you are interested.

STRUCTURAL BRAIN DIFFERENCES IN HOMOSEXUALS FORMED DURING FETAL GESTATION, WHICH ARE FIXED BY TIME OF  BIRTH:

You can take a look at this study Sexual orientation and its basis in brain structure and function. I can link you to some Studies on Brain structure & Homosexuality if you wish, but the most striking is about how these fundamental areas of the brain for Sexual identity and gender are set before you are even born.

OCCURRENCE OF 100% HOMOSEXUALITY & HETEROSEXUALITY:

As you may have seen from this Deviation, I speak of the distribution of Homosexuality and Heterosexuality following a standard BELL CURVE, where 100% Homosexuality and 100% Homosexuality are actually RARE.  The top of the Bell curve is obvious well biased towards Heterosexuality.  Alas, I cannot give an example image in my deviation until I eventually author it to PDF.  ALL of the available data on occurrence of homosexuality is old and based on bad sampling (another discussion).

CAN ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES CHAGE THE BRAIN STRUCTURES DRIVING HOMOSEXUALITY?

The Brains of children are forming millions of new neural connections each day, and the brain continues to develop until around age 25.  The vast majority of this development is the conversion of White matter to Gray matter.  Far less development takes place in the Hypothalamus and Amygdala, where main differences between homosexual brains and heterosexual brains are found, as these areas are mostly formed by time of birth.

The brain can adapt and change through a mechanism called NEUROPLASTICITY.  Neuroplasticity happens when you push your brain hard and constantly over time.  For example, children playing hours of video games each day, for years, results in the brain forming additional and more efficient Neural pathways to improve hand-to-eye coordination and Spatial Reasoning, etc.   I am Autistic and have overcome many of my Challenges through Neuroplasticity.  When a person as a Stroke in the brain, killing part of the brain, a victim is often left with paralysis on one side of the body and often loss of speech.  These functions can be regained partially or fully through aggressive physical therapy and speech therapy.

LIMITATIONS ON NEUROPLASTICITY:
Neuroplasticity never trims out Neural connections and pathways, it only adds them, and this has no affects on the areas of the brain where Homosexual differences are found.

My deviation on The Science of GAYDAR by inspiredcreativity The Science of GAYDAR (a bit outdated now) you will see mention of a number of Gay-linked traits such as the direction of hair swirls on your head, comparative finger lengths, left-handedness, and fingerprints (like your linked article), dexterity, facial recognitions, etc.  HOWEVER, notice that these traits, while find in a much higher percentage of homosexuals, is not found in all of them. This has to do with which genes are involved with which person.  Homosexuality appears to be linked across a number of genes.

GENDER NONCONFORMITY IN PRE-PUBESCENT CHILDREN:

Gender Nonconformity is a phenomenon in which pre-pubescent children do not conform to expected gender-related sociological or psychological patterns, and/or identify with the opposite gender. Typical behavior among those who exhibit the phenomenon includes but is not limited to a propensity to cross-dress, refusal to take part in activities conventionally thought suitable for the gender and the exclusive choice of play-mates of the opposite sex.

Multiple studies have correlated childhood gender non-conformity with eventual gay or bisexual outcomes, although it must be pointed out that NOT all children with Gender Nonconformity become Sexual Minorites.  One study suggested that childhood gender non-conformity is heritable.

Gender Nonconformity shows that even at very young ages Sexual Orientation is showing itself.  it has also been shown that when these children are forced into a ’Normal’ gender patterns, it still does not prevent them from developing into Sexual Minorities.

SEX & SEXUAL ORIENTATION IN PRISON ENVIRONMENTS:

This has been studied a fair amount. Please note I dod not speak of rape situations here. For inmates in for life sentences or very long sentences, you will find some Straight men take a sexual and relationship role as a submissive (only submissive and dominant are allowed in the culture), initially for protection, but then find themselves in a loving relationship and you can see relationships going for 20 years. In cases where the men are released, they revert back to Heterosexual behavior.  

The reality is that men can come to crave intimacy and love, and some will adapt out of necessity and actually build a loving relationship that is completely contrary to their Sexual Orientation.  Their sexual orientation has not changed and when women are available outside of prison they return to their natural Sexual Orientation.

Females Sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality and Straight women often easily slip into Lesbian Relationships in prison, then revert back once they are about of prison. Female Sexual Arousal is different from male arousal, which is more strongly linked to Sexual orientation.

ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION & SEXUAL IDENTITY, AFTER BIRTH:

After birth, Sexual Orientation itself is fixed in the brain, but how that manifests, and how Masculinity/Femininity, gender and libido manifest in the real world, can be influenced to some degree by the environment.

Environmental influences can cause Gay men to marry women and Lesbians to marry men.  It can change mannerisms  and have people put on enduring MASKS of Masculinity or Femininity to survive or blend-in. But those are on the far end of the less acceptable end of Masculinity/Femininity for their gender often cannot adapt enough, even when survival is at stake.

I was Hyper-masculinized by the need to survive in a Merchant Marine Academy and sailing on Merchant ships, where discovery of your Homosexuality meant certain death by being tossed over the side sort ship to drown or get chopped up by the propellor. FBI simply signs-off on them as lost at sea without investigations (1970 & 1980s for me). I retired at age 34, for life, but it took a few years to divest myself of the hyper masculine training.

Ir has been shown for eons that if you take Gay boys and do everything humanly possible to make them straight, it does not work.  You can read about the tortures employed here THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

Boys had electrodes connected to their testicles and penis and worse, etc, with High current electric shocks induced while showing the gay pornography (permanent burn scars), and drugs were used to induce severe vomiting and diarrhea while showing Gay porn (this is called aversion therapy).  No matter what hours humanity employed, no one has ever been converted Gay to Straight.  While some have been paraded out, it turns out they are Gay, or later they end up back in gay relationships.  Even the founder of the notorious EXIDUS INTERNATIONAL, apologized and recanted, stating he was still gay, and the current Present has apologized for the damage done to homosexuals by their program.

Extreme denial can push people into sexual and relationship roles in opposition to their natural Sexual Orientation, but it does not change their Sexual Orientation and they revert back to their natural state given opportunity and time.

I have been doing Peer Counseling to the Sexual Minority Community for almost 25 years now, and have seen far too many horror stories of men and women trying to fit themselves into the wrong box or having childhoods of living hells as adults and churn alike try to force children into a different sexual orientation.

I worked with a Mormon Lad whoa the scars of electrocution sanctioned directly by the Mormon Church (the church no longer direct action such treatments, but Mormons can still push young men and women into these treatment.  They must do it or face SHUNNING and lose everything and everyone they have every known.

There are now laws prevent conversion therapy of children in California and New Jersey (upheld in both states), but it is still legal in 48 states.  A new favorite method is using ammonia held under the nose of the child, to induce vomiting, while exposing to Homosexual Pornographic images (which you would think violates the law).  Extreme group shaming and humiliation is also used, as is isolation, cold rooms, etc.

It has also been shown that Freudian and Jungian Psychological theories of Homosexuality and its cure are garbage.

Next comes the years of Frontal lobotomies to cure homosexuality, by inserting and ice-pick-like instrument through the eye socket and up into the frontal Cortex (where all of the higher brain functions are located, and scraping out brain material, turning Gay people in vegetables.

The man who solved the nazi Enigma Code, (thought to be impossible), probably wining WWII, was later convicted of homosexuality and was then castrated and set free.  this was also a favored treatment.

None of it works.

Sexual Identity is far more fluid than Sexual Orientation.

BISEXUALITY:

When using Bisexuality as a Sexual Orientation Identity label, there are some things to keep in mind.  If Bisexuality were to be defined as having any sexual/physical attraction to both genders, then the greater majority of the human population would be Bisexual.  The reality is that some Primarily Heterosexual people will have a small amount of homosexual sexual attraction, but not enough to ever act on it.  Some others have enough homosexual sexual attraction that they might experiment with it and even enjoy it occasionally, but their main interest is the opposite gender. The same it true of Primarily Homosexuals who have a various amounts of Heterosexual attractions.

There are also people who seems to have equal sexual attraction to both genders, but only have romantic attraction to one gender, which means they only ever have relationships with one gender (sometimes after an experimentation phase).

The distinction for Bisexual people is that they have enough Homosexuality and Heterosexuality to be able to feel romantic and Sexual attraction to both genders, and are able to desire and  sustain long-term romantic relationships with either gender.

HOMOSEXUAL MEN CAN FIND SOME WOMEN SEXY & BEAUTIFUL & HETEROSEXUAL MEN CAN FIND SOME MEN SEXY & HANDSOME, BUT HAVE NO ACTUAL DESIRE to HAVE SEX With THEM:

This is natural, but it can confuse Teens and Young Adults trying to figure out their sexuality.

NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES CAN PUSH A MAN WHO IF PRIMARILY GAY/SECONDARILY STRAIGHT, OR WHO IS BISEXUAL, TO CHOOSE HETEROSEXUALITY, EVEN IF IT IS Not HIS PRIMARY ATTRACTION:

The mind is powerful enough that it can actually suppress some of its attractions to men, or in extreme cases, most of its attraction to men, at least for a while.

A very sad thing is when you have someone who is Homosexual, who then marrieds a woman to hide that.  This typically causes far more suffering for the woman that it does the man, as she has no idea what is going on other that sex dwindles fairly quickly and there is not passion, leaving her feel unattractive, not sexy, unloved and her self-worth and self-confidence plummet, usually while the guy is sneaking of to have sex with men.

LATENT SEXUALITY:

Sometimes Homosexuality or Heterosexuality does not emerge until later in development, and it can emerge up into the early 20s, assuming that there is no Psychological suppression.  More typically it is a matter opportunity.

UP TO 46% of HOMOPHOBIC MEN MAY BE GAY OR BISEXUAL THEMSELVES:

A Study at the University of Georgia found that UP TO 46% of HOMOPHOBIC MEN MAY BE GAY OR BISEXUAL THEMSELVES.

College men were selected on the basis of their report of having only heterosexual arousal and experiences, and who were Straight-Identified.  They thought they were volunteering for a different kind of sexual study.  They were given an extensive questionnaire to fill out, which was designed to secretly identify how Homophobic each man was. For the purpose of this study, "Homophobia" was defined as a negative emotional reaction (e.g., fear, anxiety, anger, discomfort) to homosexuality. It was measured by a questionnaire called the Index of Homophobia.

The men were each shown pornographic videos of Heterosexual, Gay, and Lesbian Sex.  Their sexual arousal was measured by penile plethysmography, which precisely measures and records male arousal (measures the circumference of their penis).   When shown the GAY Sex video, it was shown that 80% of Homophobic men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men.  The Homophobic men got moderate to full erections 46% more than non-homophobic men. This means that 46% of Homophobic men are likely Bisexual or Gay.

If you are raised in a severely Homophobic environment, then start to feel attractions and urges for members of your own sex, you could HATE those feelings. I know, because it is how I felt. I came to accept those feeling, but some people then consciously or subconsciously BLAME other homosexuals for the “disgusting perverted feelings” they are having. Their Fear, Hate and DENIAL strongly suppresses their own sexuality. This most often likely happens with Bisexual or 'Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight' men, but also happens to full homosexuals.

See also my deviation, The Science of Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity The Science of Homosexuality which is a bit outdated but still has some interesting information.  Go to the end of the PDF where I show how Homosexuality has been documented in over 1500 species, including over 500 in species of animals like, Giraffes, Chimpanzees, Japanese Macaques, American Bison, Kob antelope, Penguins, Dolphins, Walrus, Gray Whales, Black Swans, Guianan-Cock-of-the-Rock, & Dragonflies.

I hope this was of some help to you.

All the best,

Matthew
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I have thought of the high percentage of homophobes who are homosexuals as well. When I was in high school I was somewhat of a homophobe. 

As for your explanation of why it has not disappeared, there is another factor; sex as a social reality. If you look at all of the species with homosexual behavior (most of those are actually bisexual behavior; 100% homosexuality is rare among animals) almost all of them are mammals or birds, species with social connections and higher level thinking. In many species sex is used for exchanging resources and other stuff, so there are social components to relationships in mammals and birds, not just pure Darwinian reproduction. 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Most Sexual Minorities also deal with Internalized Homophobia, although this is decreasing as society becomes more tolerant of Sexual Minorities. Internalized Homosexuality is basically when you dislike, don't want or hate your own homosexual nature, however much you may have. Overcoming this is part of an individual's Coming-pout process.

On the topic of Evolution and Homosexuality, I only spoke of Maternal Fecundity, but you are right that there are other factors as well.  I am happy to see that you have educated yourself on this topic, as few others show interest.

You spoke of Social Reality as a factor in homosexuality persisting against natural Selection and this has been studied:

Kin Selection:
Scientists speculate that altruism may be maintained if the genes producing it help a genetic relative and hence give an advantage to those altruistic genes. The same could be true of homosexuality. Insofar as homosexuals have been freed from investing time and energy in their own reproduction, perhaps they are able to help their relatives rear offspring, to the ultimate evolutionary benefit of any homosexuality-promoting genes present in those children.

While we do not see this as much in modern urban living, in preindustrial and tribal settings, such as in Native American Tribes, this was true (Native American tribes had different names for Homosexuals, which generally translate to Two-Spirits, since it was felt that homosexuals were a bridge between the male and female spirits, and thus held in high esteem). The idea is that homosexuals enhance their own genetic prospects by being "helpers in the nest." By acting altruistically toward nieces and nephews, homosexual would perpetuate the family genes, including some of their own.

We can actually see this now in Samoa, where males who prefer males as sexual partners are widely recognized and accepted as a distinct gender category—called Fa'afafine—neither man nor woman. Research has shown that the Fa'afafine are much more altruistically inclined toward their nieces and nephews than either Samoan women or heterosexual men. They are willing to babysit a lot, tutor their nieces and nephews, and help out financially—paying for medical care and education and so forth. In a new study, scientists found that their altruism is targeted specifically at kin rather than kids in general. Compared to Samoan women and heterosexual men, the Fa'afafine showed a much weaker link between their avuncular (or uncle like) behavior and their altruism toward kids generally. This cognitive dissociation, the scientists argue, allows the Fa'afafine to allocate their resources more efficiently and precisely to their kin—and thus enhance their own evolutionary prospects.

Social Prestige: Additionally, since there is some anthropological evidence that in preindustrial societies homosexual men are more than randomly likely to become priests, shamans, medicine men & Women, tribe negotiators, arbitrators, perhaps the additional social prestige conveyed to their heterosexual relatives might give a reproductive boost to those relatives, and thereby to any shared genes carrying a predisposition toward homosexuality.

Overdominance:
Overdominance suggests that a co-dominant genetic factor in autosomes (a chromosome that is not a sex chromosome) promotes both fecundity and homosexuality. Compared with heterosexual males, homosexual males have significantly more aunts, uncles and cousins in the paternal line, and the paternal grandmothers of homosexual males have higher offspring production, showing that Paternal Fecundity is also a factor offsetting the evolutionary selection pressure against homosexuality.

Fraternal Birth Order Effect:
You have no doubt heard of the Fraternal Birth Order Effect, where the probability of producing a homosexual male child increases by 33% for each successive male birth. For example, I have twin older brothers.  This effect is genetically linked on the Maternal side. For a woman, the presence of male fetus, which is Y chromosome based) in her body is seen as an invader by her immune system, which produces Y-linked histocompatibility antigens. The genetic link is the propensity for a woman’s immune system to produce higher levels of these Y-linked histocompatibility antigens.

A male fetus exposed to higher levels of the Y-linked histocompatibility antigens results in the birth of a homosexual male. Each time a woman gives birth to a boy, her body produces more of the antigens. If she is genetical predisposed to produce higher levels of Y-linked histocompatibility antigens, then the probability of producing a homosexual male child higher, and if she has successive male birth, the probability of producing a a homosexual male child increases by some 33% with each successive male birth.  Note that she can give birth to her first homosexual male child if she is genetically predisposed to produce much higher than normal levels of Y-linked histocompatibility antigens.

This is all very fascinating, yes?

I forgot to congratulate you on your relationship and wish you both the best.  I have been with my husband for 25 years, and I can tell you that you have a lot to look forward to. Remember, Negotiate instead of arguing or fighting.
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Hmm ya it is interesting.

Thanks for advice ^^ 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Something that might interest you in nature vs nurture is that we no know that genes can be turned off and on in childhood, especially in very early childhood.  This was discovered when investigating the so called WARRIOR GENE, a gene found in high prevalence in prison population and associated with aggression and violence.  But then it was discovered that the Warrior Gene was far more common than suspected, but the vast majority of them never showed signs of violence or aggression.  Then it was found that these ones were turned off in those people. 

It turns out that when a baby with the Warrior Gene received a lot loving touch and loving response, the Warrior Gene gets turned off.  It was also found that even mothers who hesitate and wait to pick up their crying babies and put the babies down sooner than typical, can result in the Warrior Gene being left on. It has now been shown that other genes can be turned on or off due to environmental influences.
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Student Digital Artist
That's interesting.
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:iconangelgraham:
angelGraham Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for this. This page should be required reading for all.  Thank you.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  If you have any questions, please feel free to send a Note or comment.
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:iconprincesslela:
PrincessLela Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
This is truly informative!
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you.  If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.  If the questions are of a private nature, you can send me a DA Note, which will be private and confidential.
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:iconprincesslela:
PrincessLela Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome. And thank you!
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:iconlevymandias:
Levymandias Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
My goodness this is truly mind blowing yet quite informative for me. It has even helped me solve an age old internal conflict. I applaud you sir Clap 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.  If you want it to be private and confidential, write to me using a DA Note.
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:iconhaipa-sonikku:
Haipa-Sonikku Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm gay and have accepted it. I also believe that love is love.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
I am very happy for you Miguel.  I have been with my husband Greg almost 25 years My Partner and I by inspiredcreativity.   I was betrayed 3 times before I met Greg, with one lasting 1 year, then 3 years and then 6 years.  To be fair, the three relationships happened while I was going to sea on supertanker ships (Chief Engineer), which is incredibly hard on relationships. I would be out to sea for two months, but then get to come home for two months of paid vacation.  What I have found is that each time my heart has been broken, my appreciation and dedication for love went up.

Should you ever feel the need to ask questions you can't ask anyone else or feel a need to talk, feel free to send me a DA Note, which is anonymous, private and confidential.

I wish you the best that live and love can offer you,  Matthew
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:iconthethousandthson:
TheThousandthSon Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014
I'm still trying to figure myself out for the most part. there are some things I am more sure of, namely that my romantic feelings and desires to hold/be held by, cuddle-with and kiss someone within a romantic context are far more towards my own gender, other guys.
I know the Kinsey Scale is not the best way to measure things, originating in the 1940s-50s but I feel it has helped me feel out a good approximation.
Sexually I would say I fit around 3, with some fluctuation to 2 & 4 as well.
emotionally, romantically and Physically I'd say I'm closer to 4 or even 5.
I have had the desire to kiss other guys before, though I have never acted upon it, except for once when I was about 10 or so, (currently I'm 19, almost 20).

another thing is that I have noticed about myself is that breasts do pretty much nothing for me and I have even found myself repulsed by Images of Vaginas, though I have noticed I do find the male member more attractive to me.

I call myself Bi, even come out to a few friends as such (with the
Caveat that its what I consider the most likely orientation, though without utter certainty).

I'm also on the Autism spectrum, either High-Functioning-Autism or Aspergers-Syndrome, which has, as you would imagine, made it harder to explore my sexuality directly.
I've never had either a boyfriend or girlfriend and I'm a virgin.

hell, maybe I am Actually Gay but am too subconsciously afraid to fully accept it and I'm just using Bisexuality as a stepping stone.

for now I guess I'd have to say Bisexual-Homoromantic  would be the best discription of myself at this current juncture in time.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hello Sir,  Sorry, but this is a very, very long reply, so I hope you do not mind.  If I never don't if I will be able to talk to a person again, I try to give a lot of information all at once.  I hope we can continue the conversation if you feel the need.

Did you know that I am Autistic, as well as being Gay?  I have a couple of deviations on Autism.  I was first diagnosed as being Mentally Retarded (their term back then), back in the 1950s.  Even in 9th grade (High School) they gave us Intelligence Tests and then told my parents and I that I was on the bottom of the Bell curve of intelligence (what they labeled as Mentally Retarded) and should not bother with college. I graduated in the top 15% of my class.  I went to a Merchant Marine Academy and compressed a 4-year Engineering Degree into 3 years, graduating number 1 in my class. I got a job before I even graduated, and advance quickly to the highest rank possible, Chief Engineer, then retired for live at age 34, just working 13.5 years (on my savings and investments).  I told you this to illustrate the huge misunderstandings about Autism.

I also have an autism gift that I did not really discover until I was about age 24, which is an ability to solve complex problems in almost any field. I do not regret being born autistic.  The challenges it gave me made me who I am now, and I happen to like who I am now—I am a better and stronger man for it.  It is up to us to make the most of what we have.  Other people have there own challenges.  But I do want to stress with you that if you let yourself be isolated and do not socialize, it will likely eventually lead to depression and limitations to your career.  I overcame (manage) most of my Autistic challenges, but had to almost die to push me change my life in such a major way.  I could no longer live like I was anymore, so I had to either change in a big way, or die.

One of my challenges was being physically uncoordinated for complex movement, like dancing (Sensory Processing Disorder).  So I took up the challenge and struggled with beginner dance lessons for over 3 months, 6 nights a week, with almost no progress.  Then suddenly I started improving rapidly.  I did so well that I decided to learn how to both Lead and Follow, eventually in some 13 dances (Two step, West Coast Swing, Tango, Rhumba, Waltz, Salsa, samba, mambo bolero, etc.).  This was supposed to be impossible for me.  It is called NEUROPLASTICITY.  It is the brain’s ability to rewire itself when you persistently challenge it.  My brain rewired itself around the faulty areas.  It took 3 months to get the initial improvement  and then I just kept getting better and found learning more dances easier and easier.  It is like what happens if you play video games hours a day for years.  Your brain rewires itself to get better and better at it.  When people have a stroke in the brain, and part of the brain dies, they can heal themselves through intensive therapy, their brains will rewire themselves to regain function in arms, legs and regain speech, etc.

I did this with Socializing as well.  At sea, the guys were like family, I connected through engineering and common things, but socializing shore was far different, a nightmare for me. Wen I finally challenged myself, it took days to force myself to go up to a stranger at the dance place and introduce myself and try to maintain a conversation. I set myself a quota to introduce myself to one stranger per night.  I knew I could not get the subtext, innuendo, secondary meanings, etc, in conversations, nor did I know all the many social rules, so I decided to simply be completely (and probably inappropriately) open and honest.  It turns out that most people find it endearing.  I am better at some of the rules because I keep asking friends to please tell me when I am missing things or doing something wrong, like not noticing when a person is done talking about a subject or who wants to break off our conversation and mingle with others.  I ended up with a very large circle of acquaintances and freinds and became known as a leader of in our local Gay community.  It was an amazing transformation that mostly took place over a one-year process, then improving from there. My philosophy was that some people will like me, and some will not, and to be Ok with that.

When I was depressed, I could not find a guy to date.  Once I got over my depression and started having a blast (fun, joy) dancing, white water rafting, hiking etc, I was getting asked on dates a few times a week, sometimes up to 8 guys a week. But I was married to Greg by then…sigh…such a waste, lol.  People are far more attracted to our personality than your looks.  Good looks may be a good initial hook to get attention, but good personality and positive energy is what attracts the healthiest (mentally) guys and keeps them, both as freinds and/or lovers.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Asperger Syndrome is no longer an official diagnosis, nor is High Functioning Autism.  The reason for this is that no one completely fits any one of the Autism disorders. All of the various Autism Disorders are very similar and all have overlapping symptoms, and no one actually fits any one of them perfectly.  This is why we now refer to it as Autism Spectrum Disorders. We are all various mixes of the various disorders.

The best analogy to Autism is faulty wiring (the white matter of your brain).  Our computing and cognitive areas (the gray matter of your brain) works just fine, of not better than the average neurotypical person. Symptoms vary so greatly because the symptoms depend on where your faulty wiring is, how widespread the faults are, and how bad the faulty wiring is.  The great news is that you can overcome pretty much all of your Autistic challenges through Neuroplasticity, as I did. I suspect that you and I are similar in symptoms.

If you want to talk in more detail about your Sexual Identity or Autism, you can do so privately by sending me a Note (instructions at the end of this).

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

SEXUALITY

First, I want to tell that I have no agenda when helping people understand their sexual identity. I have helped boys, girls, men and women figure out that they were straight or primarily straight, just as I have helped others discover that they are bisexual, various degrees of Gay, and Transgender Gay, Straight or Bi people.  My goal would be to help you to find out where you are on the 4 Sexuality Spectrums, so that you can better experience happiness and contentment in life. I also help with things like low self-worth, low self-confidence, depression, anxiety, Sexual issues, etc.  I am also trained in Sex Education and Safe-Sex Education (based in the real world, not government statement).  I also do couples counseling, all for free of course.  I mostly specialize in Sexual Minority Youth in crisis (suicide, life crisis).

I have some questions for you, further below, for just yourself, or if you want to discuss this more with me, perhaps you can give me your answers in a DA Note (which is private and completely confidential).

I was a virgin until age 23.  I hope you do not see your virginity as a bad thing.  I also hope that when you do have sex, it will be with someone you have at least some emotional connection with.  There is a big advantage to staying a virgin as long as you have.  When you do fall in love, love and sexuality will be tightly bound for you, and you will be able to experience sexual/romantic intimacy at the highest level possible, and you will be less likely to cheat over the years.

Love has an extremely important role in sexuality.  Love is what keeps sex from getting boring with the same person, decade after decade. Love is what keeps your lover looking beautiful and sexy, despite the ravages of time and gravity (which are so cruel).  People who become sexually active and promiscuous at young ages (hooking-up a lot) can suffer from Intimacy disorders in adulthood, where love and sex become separated or loosely bound. This limits their sexual experience.  In the worse cases, people fall in love, but sex with the same person become boring very quickly, even to the point of not being able to get an erection for the one you love, driven to be sexual with a constant stream of different people. It becomes very difficult for these people to sustain any relationships, unless it is a sexually open relationship, and these have a very high failure rate. Hooking-up occasionally will not ruin you, but making it a habit might.

I am a volunteer Peer Counselor with almost 26 years of experience and know a lot about human sexuality, including both gay & straight sex and sexuality, and have helped Straight & Gay men and women, and straight and gay couples with their issues, including sexual dysfunction issues.  I am completely non-judgmental and I have heard everything possible (it seems) around sexuality, so please do not be embarrassed or afraid to ask any question. Therefore, if you have any questions or concerns about your own body, healthy concerns, sex questions, mental healthy issues, feel free to ask (via Note).

There are things that both straight and gay Virgins should know, to avoid causing or receiving pain and discomfort during sex, due to ignorance. Please do NOT learn how to do Gay or Straight sex from Porn, or you will do very badly and possibly cause pain. Crucial steps are usually done off-camera.  Also, Porn does not teach you how to Make-love at all. Anyone can do sex, but Making Love is a big step above sex, something we could go over.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Kinsey Scale is really bad and was replaced by the Klein Scale.  But the Klein Scale is severely flawed because they measure who you socialize with as a major part of your sexuality, which is stupid. I have plenty of both straight and gay freinds, and the Klein Test rates me as bisexual or Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual because I socialize with Straight people, and I assure you I am very GAY, lol. But both of these scales are not very good because they are a one-dimensional look at sexuality.

Every Human beings Sexuality is described as a blend of FOUR sexual Spectrums: 1 Gender, 2 Sexual Orientation, 3 Masculinity/Femininity, and 4 Libido.  You can have a straight man who is effeminate to varying degrees, or a straight woman who is masculine to varying degrees.  You can have gay men who are hyper-masculine to Gay men who are very effeminate. there are multiple gender blends.  There are Asexual people with no Libido (no sex drive), up to people who are Hyper-sexual [nymphomaniac (female), Satyriasis or satyromania (male)].  I happen to have a rather high libido, but this never translated to me to me having large numbers of sexual partners, I've just had a lot of sex with a small number of people. Please note that this is a matter of choice and I am not making judgments about people with different sexual choices. 

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BISEXUALITY

The most misunderstood sexual orientation is Bisexuality.  If a bisexual is defined as someone who is attracted to both genders, it would cover at least two-thirds of the human population.  Plenty of Straight-identified men have some attractions to other guys, although it might not be interpreted by them that way, or it is not a strong enough attraction to act on, or they are too afraid to act on it, or their religious beliefs or cultural homophobia keeps them from acting on it.  The same is true of homosexual men and attractions to women.  Some gay men have had sex with women, and liked it.  I was in the Merchant Marine (Chief engineer on Supertanker ships) and US Navy Res, and I can assure that that lots of Straight men have sex with Gay men, although it is usually one-sides and without any romance or affection. For a millennia sailors have joked about, “Using any port in a storm.”  Translated, this means using any hole for sex, when no women are available.

The bigger question is what fulfills you?  This is still an unknown for you. You cannot judge much from how you watch Porn. Gay boys and men can get-off on straight porn.

I know a woman who is equally sexually attracted to both guys and girls, but after some years of dating both, she realized that only felt fulfilled by women, and she identifies herself as Lesbian.  Rickey Martin, the latin singer, had affairs with some of the most beautiful women in the world, and said he enjoyed them and the sex, BUT, he said he found he was only fulfilled by men.  He now identifies as Gay and say he is not bisexual.

So, what makes a person Bisexual in the real world? You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
    1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
    2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
    3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

SUPPRESSION OF SEXUALITY:

I worked with a young man who was just a bit younger than you.  He thought he was straight and even loved his best friend, who was a girl.  He masturbated to Straight Porn and about his girl-friend.  Then he suddenly started having homo-erotic dreams and fantasies and was being drawn to look at gay porn. He was totally Freaked-Out and contacted me. After much discussion, I suggested that he ask the girl out on a romantic date, which he did, and she said yes.  Eventually they went to have sex, although they were rather drunk at the time. He enjoyed being with her, but despite her best efforts, he could not maintain an erection. Some attempts later, over some 6 months, she asked him if he might be gay. I suggested he try dating a guy, and he did meet someone.  When he became sexual with the guy, he knew he was Gay without any doubt (the angels sang). He has been with the guy for a few years and identifies as Gay. By-the-way, when he thought he was straight and was masturbating to straight porn, it turns out he was really focusing on the men.

His subconscious mind played both a denial and suppression game from a young age. Any feelings or attractions for guys that made it to his conscious mind were simply denied or given an excuse.  But, eventually these barriers break down.

In a study at the University of Georgia, they brought in a lot of college guys who identified as Straight, to do what they thought was a sexual survey and study.  They were given an extensive survey to fill out, and in that survey were many questions secretly designed to find out how homophobic the men were.  Then the men were then shown Straight, Gay and Lesbian sex  pornography videos.  In case you do not know this already, most Straight men are generally very turned-on by female-on-female intimacy and sex, and most Straight women go gaga over male-on-male intimacy and sex (unless suppressed for religious or cultural homophobic reasons).

80% of Straight Identified Homophobic Men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men. Roughly the same percentage of homophobic men had no response to the Lesbian porn.  This points to at least 46% of the Straight-Identified Homophobic Men as being either Gay or Bisexual.

When a boy or girl is raised in a culture of extreme homophobia (often religious based), and they first start to feel attractions to those of the same gender, they can respond by despising and hating those feelings, and then blame homosexual people for making them that ways.  This is fed by the cultural lies fed to kids that homosexuals “Recruit” and turn kids Queer.  Their subconscious minds suppress those homosexual feelings and attractions and the kids actually believe they are Straight.  When a boy like this is attracted to another boy at school, he is bound to attack the other boy out of hatred, blaming the other boy for his own attractions.

In my generation, it was very common for Gay men to marry women, which was a crime against the women, who then felt rejected, ugly and sexually undesirable, after the constant sexual rejection of the husband, making her self-worth drop.  The gay husband can and will sometimes have sex with wife, even producing children.  One man told me about how he would fantasize about having sex with a boy he had been infatuated with in High School, while having sex with his wife.  Then many of these men will sneak off and have sex with men in parks and in restrooms. Most (more than half) of the men having sex in restrooms and parks are actually married to women.  The vast majority of gay-identified men go to gay places to find sexual/romantic partners, but if you are in the closet and afraid of being seen in a gay place…

Suppression and Denial of Homosexual feeling is still very common today.

Even I experienced internalized homophobia (guilt/shame and not wanting to be gay) in my young life, but then I also was growing up in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s (yes, I’m that old, lol).  I was so gay that I could not deny it.  I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12 and I confessed to my Aunt, at age 13, “I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls.”  Soon after that, our priest told us altar boys, “When a boy is attracted to another boy, he is an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna.” I was horrified when I realized that it was me he was talking about. It shattered my faith.

I had zero sexual attraction to girls.  I actually did not know what sex was until I was 19. A cadet smuggled a porn film-reel onto the Ship, along with a small projector.  It was hard to see in the crowd of guys, so I asked my buddy why that man was naked and doing push-ups on top of that woman. Thank God he thought it a grand joke.  I still did not know what gay sex was.  In the Academy, if they found out you were gay, it meant death, and yes, it happened.  There was so much fear that I suppressed all feelings.  In Jr. High and High School, in the showers, I perfected the art of never actually looking at the body of another boy.  Imagine it, being among many naked boys and never actually seeing their bodies?  That is how powerful the brain is.  But by the time I was 21 to 22, I could not suppress it anymore. I waited to graduate and get a job before looking to connect with gay men (it was all underground then and hard to find where to meet gay men).

I had a 67-year-old man come out to me as Gay, not Bi.  He had two ex-wives and two children.  He lived in denial all of that time.  He was crushed with regrets and beating himself up for what he called his cowardice.  Imagine living a lie and denying yourself for 67 years (he passed-away last year).

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THINGS THAT SEEM DISGUSTING WHEN YOU ARE A VIRGIN

I am unwilling to tell you that being repulsed by images of vaginas means you are Gay, because equality is far to complex for that.  We have to look at many factors to see your full story.  It is possible to be a straight virgin and not attracted to breasts, or be disgusted by visual porn of vaginas, although it very unusual.  The vast majority of straight men are sexually excited by at least certain female body types.  Most of these men will be extra turned on by particular things, like a guy might say he is especially into breasts, or women’s legs, or the female butt, or female feet, but it is rare for a straight man to be repulsed by any part of the female anatomy.  This can happen sometimes happen from trauma, like seeing vaginas far too young, or like being molested.

BUT, another possibility with a Virgin is FEAR.  Normally it would be a fear of sex, a fear of intimacy, or Performance anxiety, but fear can manifest in unusual ways. For example, if you are afraid of vaginal sex, then you brain makes you repulsed by the thing you fear.

Another possibility is that it is an indication of your subconscious mind, knowing you are Gay battling your conscious mind’s desire to be straight, or the battle could be going on completely within the subconscious mind.

Another possibility that can sometimes happen with virgins, is that a lack of romantic connection, or ever having been intimate with a girl, makes certain things seem disgusting.  This is usually not seen as repulsion to body parts, but rather feeling disgusted about certain sex acts, like giving a girl/woman oral sex, or a guy oral sex, or anal intercourse, etc.  I have had virgin girls and guys repulsed by the idea of sucking on a penis, because their brain associates it as a place urine comes out.  I have seen girls and guys visually repulsed by foreskins (in geographic areas where circumcision is common, such as the United States).  This is a matter of FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN, or they hear rumors that it smells bad or tastes bad, etc.  Once they fall in love with a guy who has a foreskin, it turns out to not be an issue, assuming they are willing to date a guy with a foreskin. I assume that women and men in areas where foreskins are common, might not like seeing circumcised penises.  But again, Love is the great equalizer.

When you actual fall-in-love with a person, your central purpose is focused on pleasing the person you are crazy about. What looked disgusting in porn is suddenly incredibly sexy when you can make her or him moan and grain with pleasure, which is a super-turn on to you.

Let us use Oral Sex as an example. When you give oral sex to a woman or man, there is absolutely no direct sexual pleasure you get, no sexual nerves involved, as you would get do the other sexual things.  If you do it for a long time, your tongue, jaw and mouth get sore.  If you do it to a total stranger, you receive little pleasure.  But when you really like or love the other person, pleasuring them with oral sex can be hugely satisfying, sexy and pleasurable, because of how much pleasure you are giving, especially when you hear it their voices and feel it in the way their body is moving. This is the thing that you cannot see in Porn.  If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend just not into giving you oral sex, it might give you pause about how much they actually like/love you (assuming you are hygienic, lol).

When Making Love (as opposed to Having Sex), you can receive far more pleasure by giving pleasure, than you receive from your sexual nerves and prostate.  By-the-way, straight men have been receiving pleasure from having their prostate manipulated going back to ancient China (visual and text records).

I met a virgin gay boy at dancing who asked me all about sex.  When I told him about rimming, he said that was disgusting and he would NEVER do that (and made yucky faces). So I made a bet with him that when he fell-in-love with a man, he would try it a love it.  I won the bet.

WHO you are sexual with makes all the difference.  I have been working with a guy your age who has been very indiscriminately promiscuous since age 15. It was leaving him so empty feeling that he became depressed. After almost a year of dating and waiting for a guy you fell for, he said that the sex is incredible, compared to what it used be like with strangers. He still faces far more temptation than normal, but he is committed to staying faithful.

I was not even attracted to the man who became my husband of 25 years.  I did not find him physically attractive, nor was there any chemistry. But I liked his personality during the evening of dancing, and then I asked him if he had an interest in seeing if we could be friends. We did friend type things for a couple of months. We had gone canoeing on Lake Crescent, and when we got to his place, I looked at him and suddenly thought, “He looks kinda cute,” and noticed that I was hard. So I knew I had fallen in love. I told him what happened and asked if he would like to date me romantically. It took him 3 days to decide, lol. We abstained from sex so that we could get to know each other better, without the distraction and blindfold of sexual energy.  Five months later we decided to commit to each other.  I agree it was too fast.  We had some really difficult challenges in the beginning.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
    :bulletgreen: When your romantic feelings and desires to hold/be held by, cuddle-with and kiss someone within a romantic context, are far more towards your own gender (other guys), it usually indicates your TRUE Sexual Identity. This is showing you who you feel the most comfortable with and more fulfilled by in daily life, to share your life with.  If you have sexual desires for both genders, but romantic desires for only one gender, it is the Romantic desires that show your true nature. If you have romantic and sexual desires for both genders, then you are Bisexual.  However, seldom in life is something set in stone, so other factors should still be looked at, but this is strong evidence toward a stronger homosexual nature than your Kinsey Scale numbers show.   Sometimes you do not get gay sexual fantasy or romantic fantasy, because you have no role model for how that would look, to fantasize about it, OR it could all be suppressed.

    :bulletyellow: Fantasies and Dreams are often a good indicator of sexuality.  You may not remember your dreams if they occur before your REM sleep, but if you do, what kind of ROMANTIC or erotic dreams/fantasies do you have, and what kind of involuntary fantasies do you have?  If it is both women and men, what percentage is each (approx.). Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself ding romantic things together, living together, etc.  Romantic fantasy/dreams can lead directly into Sexual fantasy dreams.

    Romance is Sexual Orientation blind.  If you can imagine dancing with a girl, you can imagine dancing with a guy, or sharing a romantic dinner, or fantasizing about cuddling together on a couch and watching a movie, or just about anything else together.  I have lived with the same man for almost 25 years.  Our relationship is probably very similar to many romantic straight couples who are not slaved to gender roles in relationships.

    It must also be noted that teenage brains will occasionally sexually experiment, although you are a bit old for that now.  For example, a Straight boy can fantasize/dream about having sex or being intimate with a guy, but the vast majority of his dreams and fantasies are Straight.  Girls especially sexually experiment in dreams/fantasy.  Girls have even been known to fantasize about being a boy having sex with a boy, and a boy having sex with a girl.  It is just experimentation, but could be confusing to kids who get them.

    Finally, there are big misconceptions about gay couples. for example, there is NOT usually a so-called ‘Top’ and ‘Bottom’ fixed roles (most are versatile but may prefer one over the other), NOR are there typically gender roles (one man taking a female role and one taking the male role).  It is usually just two men who love each other and share their lives together, sharing chores and responsibilities depending on their own desires and talents. Greg and I financially share expenses and big purchases, but we actually keep separate financial accounts and investments (and we have never argues about money), although he will inherit most of what I have. In fact we have never shouted at each other, ever.  We NEGOTIATE, we do not fight.  If you  need more role-model material for gay romance, just ask.

    :bulletpurple: When you masturbate using fantasy, visual pornography or text pornography, who are you focused on the most, the guys or the girls, straight or gay?  Porn is a bad indicator, because when you are a virgin, you have no direct experience to link with what you see.  In other words, when you a man penetrating a woman and having intercourse with her, you have never experienced how that feels.  therefore, your brain is mostly responding to direct visual stimulus without real world association.

    :bulletred: You said that sexually you fit on the Kinsey scale around a 3, with some fluctuation to 2 & 4 as well.  Frankly that does no make mush sense as you stated it.  Since you have never been sexual before, it is harder to actually gauge Sexual Identity.  In boys and men, sSexual Identity used to be gauged on erections alone (Kinsey Scale).  But at your age, and being a virgin, erections can be triggered just by having sexual thoughts or seeing or imagining anything nude or sexual, like looking at a girl and wondering what sex with her might be like, then getting an erection. It was not actually the girl who triggered it.  Straight boys can get an erection from touching other boys, or wrestling around, and sometimes just hanging out together.

    Next, I am about as Gay as you can get, but I find some naked female bodies to be beautiful.  However, I feel no sexual desire for the women I find beautiful.  I have even been hot tubbing, swimming and socializing withe women, while we were all naked together, and I had no desire.  At the same time, A Straight man can find the bodies of some men to be handsome, but not feel any sexual desire for him.

    Watching straight porn, as a virgin, can get you erect if you are gay.  Seeing Penthouse magazine with naked women might give you an erection, because nudity and anything sexual, for a virgin, has what we call the Taboo-effect. A Gay boy or man could easily masturbate to a Penthouse girly magazine, or reading straight sex stories.  I could do it at 59.  It is so different from what I am used to, it would probably get me off.

    Therefore, exactly what are you using to determine that you are a 2, 3 or 4?

    :bulletpink: When you are out and about in the world, do you see guys and/or girls who give you erections so hard that it hurts, or otherwise pronounced erections with a real sexual desire? Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys or girls, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  You already said you do not get turned on by female body parts.

    :bulletblack: You mentioned that female breasts are not a turn-on for you and that you are repulse by vaginas.  Do penises turn you on, or certain shapes of male butts—does the male body turn you on?  Do you ever fantasize about moving your hands around on a female or male body, touching, feeling, stroking?

    :bulletgreen: A Bisexual Identity is very often a transitional identity that helps young people work towards accepting their Homosexual nature, however much there may be. It is obvious that you do have some homosexuality in you. Are you at a place now where you feel that you can accept and embrace your homosexual nature, however much it might turn out to be?  If not, where are you now (i.e. could you accept it if you were 25% Gay, 50% gay, 75% gay…)?

    :bulletyellow: Would you be willing to try to cuddle with a guy, to be physically imitate with him without being sexually intimate, to see how that goes?  You would be surprised by how many gay or bi guys there are, who do not want to be sexual unless it is with love, but mis intimacy in their lives and would love what we call a “Cuddle Buddy.”  This might help you figure things out.

    I would bet that you are starved for INTIMACY, simple touch and closeness. When you have had so little intimacy in your life, just being able to take a person’s hand and feel every inch of it, study it closely, press it against your face, smell it, taste it, can feel incredibly intimate. I learned to dance because I was alone then and craved intimacy, but did not want to do indiscriminate gay sex. All I had to do is ask, “Would you like to dance?” and I had a man or woman in my arms, or was being held in his or her arms.  We all NEED intimacy.  Even straight men in prison crave it, and if in for a very long time, will form intimate relationships that are not based in rape or exploitive in nature. Therefore, it would be nice if you get get more intimacy in your life.

    :bulletpurple: Do you feel any guilt or shame around your homosexual nature (however much it may be)?  Do you feel any guilt or shame when you find yourself having romantic thoughts about guys, or when you get turned on by a guy? If you have ever watched Gay Porn, has it made you feel guilt and shame (which might keep you from doing it very often)?

    :bulletred: Are you afraid to be gay, afraid of fitting in, afraid of rejection, afraid of possible career problems, afraid of discrimination?  Much of such fear is due to ignorance of what it is actually like to be gay. I am 59 years old and have faced few problems in my life because of it. I came out to my family and freinds.  The only bad one was my mother, who totally freaked out, called me a disgusting pervert, etc. But I kept at her, refused to play her game of me pretending I was not gay around her, or not talking about it around her. I told her that she had to choose to either accept me for the man I am, or not have me in her life.  It took about a year before she was fully supportive.  My father was surprisingly accepting.

    The worse thing that happened was when i was 34 (1989) I retired for life.  As I left my last ship, I mailed off some 53 letters to my closest freinds and shipmates at sea, coming out to them.  I got 2 death threats, others saying I should be dead and burning in hell and other such hate mail.  But I also got a lot of support.  Word spreads like a wildfire at sea, so I got mail from guys I don’t even remember sailing with writing to give me support.   I am told that it is different at sea now and much mrs accepting of gay people.  What hurt so much then was that I saw some of those men as very close freinds, who then rejected me.

    It is true that I live in an accepting area of the USA, Seattle, WA, and before that, California. Most gay americans are not discriminated against, although it is sadly true that some more effeminate gay men have troubles in certain careers.  But this is rapidly changing.  I was told that your country is pretty accepting, at least in the urban areas. I have been to New Zealand, but never made it to Australia.

    :bulletorange: Are you afraid of gay sex or straight sex?

    :bulletpink: Are you afraid other men and women might think less of you or reject you because you are a virgin?  Do you feel bad about being a virgin?  This is important.  I want you to know that the vast majority of men and women, feel that virginity is special and that being with a virgin is a special gift.  Only Players (seeking as much sex as possible) might see it otherwise.  Yes, virgins are going to be awkward and inexperienced, but that is completely Ok, because it is the innocence and naivety of virgins that is an aphrodisiac to most people, it is a huge turn-on.  Some people may try to exploit it, while others will see it as an honor and responsibility.  There is absolutely nothing bad about being a virgin, unless you remain a virgin for mental healthy reasons, like depression, anxiety, fear…

    The thing that virgins tend to be the most anxious about is disappointing their partner and Performance anxiety, and for boys, fear of erection problems.  The vast majority of the time, if you are being sexual with someone you like or love, and your partner Makes Love to you, with lots of foreplay, intimacy and loving attention, the fear goes away, there are no erection problems and everything proceeds in a very organic way.

      If you are with someone you like or love, and he or she likes and loves you, you cannot go wrong.  Even if you cannot get an erection out of terror, it is Ok.  Even if you cannot reach orgasm, it cannot fail. The entire point of Making love, is that sex is an expression of your love for someone.  If one of you is not feeling well or is too STRESSED (biggest cause of sexual problems), and if all you get to do is rub bodies, hold, cuddle, kiss, stroke, tease and be romantic, it is a success.

    LOVE & INTIMACY is all about sharing and connection. We can share and connect on many different levels: emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually, the heart, time and space, physically, sensually, sexually… You do NOT have to engage in vaginal, anal or even oral sex to Make Love. Just being together physically and sensually, being very intimate, skin contact, touching, looking, expression how beautiful he or she is to you, experiencing the moment…

    It is hugely important TO LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS IN SEX, because that only leads to disappointments.  Making Love is all about showing your love through physical, sensual, and sexual intimacy, but it also included emotional intimacy.   HAVING SEX is when you focus is on your own pleasure.  MAKING LOVE is when your focus is on giving your partner pleasure, which in turn gives you a more intense pleasure.

    :bulletblack: If you are religious or Spiritual, do you have a conflict between your faith and your homosexual nature?

BEING AUTISTIC & ROMANTIC LOVE

Your autism may manifest differently form mine, but I was very innocent and naive.  I still tend to get taken advantage of at times.  The first 3 men in my life used me, but then I guess it could be said that I let them use me (I had low self-worth).  I dated a guy for a year, thinking it was serious, then found out he was already in a relationship and I was his boy-toy on the side.  My first actual boyfriend/husband needed to be taken care of.  My second husband confessed to targeting me for my money, but then said he did fall in love with me when we dated. My goodness, he spent money as an addiction, along with his alcohol and drug addictions.  But obviously I had a role to play too.  It is really hard when you have to keep leaving every two months or so, and have no way to communicate (sometimes a phone cal be done once a month, sometimes not.

If you might be vulnerable to either women or men, we can talk about what to look for, how to know who you can trust, and how to form relationships where you are equal partners.  Love does NOT fix anything.  You can be madly on love with each other, and not be able to live together.  Relationships are more about negotiation, compromise, finding common ways to connect, respecting each other, value each other equally, no matter how much money each makes, or how important the jobs, or how smart the other seems, etc.  

Autistic people have the potential to be the best lovers you can find, or the worse, without much middle ground.  Are you overly trusting, or don’t trust at all? Do you give of yourself, or have tall walls of protection? Do you share about yourself easily with a friend or lover, or is it like pulling teeth out?  Are you willing to communicate on a regular basis, being open and honest, or would you rather say very little and not share what is going on?  If you are unable to communicate or connect or share, this can be turned around. How important is a relationship to you?  For some it is everything, and for some it is not even something desired.

ENGAGE SOCIALLY:

Usually potential lovers, men or women, don’t just fall in your lap as you hide in your room.  Your odds of finding Friends or a Lover go up exponentially the more you socially engage in the world.  Obviously it is very easy to Hook-up with men and women who want sex, but if you want more, it means going to activities and places where you can meet and socialize with people.  If you are looking for men, and you are in college, your college probably has a gay club, or there will be one in the town.  You can also meet Gay men in gay dance clubs and bars.  You can also use Grindr and other such apps to seek dating or friendship with guys who live near you (it is not just for sex), online dating, etc. Social networking is important. It also takes time and energy to accept invitations to dinners or home parties.  Serendipity is a wondrous thing, but the more opportunity you give it, the more likely you will meet someone special in a serendipitous way.

If you have some courage and an open heart, you can meet people just about anywhere, at school, in the grocery store, walking in the park, at work, etc.  A quick hint for spotting guys is to remember that the eyes can tell you a lot.  If you are walking along and see someone who looks hot, as you walk by, lock eye contact and linger just a bit too long, then keep walking and look back in 3 seconds, to see if he is looking back at you.  if so, stop and go talk to him. You can meet both potential freinds or partners this way. Even if you are in a Gay place, making eye-contact and holding it, then seeing if he is likes interested, is a way to know who is into you.

WHAT TO LOOK OR IN MR. OR MS. RIGHT:

There are many, many potential loves of your life.  The idea that there is only one special person for you is idiotic. There are millions of potential loves that could last a lifetime or at least many years.  I see men and women make up long check-off lists of what their potential mate must be like, their careers, level of education, looks, how wealthy they have to be, how they dress, and on and on, which is also a looser strategy.  Your requirements for a mate will constantly be changing, as you change. We are all constantly changing. Every five years I can the differences in myself.  In one year i became a very different person.  People kept saying, “I can’t believe you are they same person.”

My husband and I are very different people, almost opposites, with very different cultural backgrounds.  It is a challenge to find anything in common. But we also opened entire new worlds to each other.  We grew a lot from being with each other.  We also work well as a team because we have very different skill-sets and we cooperate towards common goals. Together, as a team, we are far more than each of us separately added together.

You cannot possible know who Mr. or Ms. Right will be like.  Therefore, we focus on really matters, such as (he can be replaced with she):
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who wants to do things for me to make me happy, a guy who will cherish me?
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who is open and honest about himself, who does not keep secrets from me, who talks about himself in a balanced way, who can freely share about his past, present and future?
    :bulletblue: Is he a man who is interested in who I am and listens intently to me?
    :bulletblue: Is he passionate with me and about me, in and out of bed?
    :bulletblue: Is he trustworthy and does he trust me?
    :bulletblue: Is he someone who can negotiate, compromise and discuss issues fairly, and not fight or compete?
    :bulletblue: Does he respect and honor me?
    :bulletblue: Does he accept and love me unconditionally, for who I am, the good, the bad, the beautiful and ugly, without trying to change who I am?
    :bulletblue: Does he see us as equal partners is all ways, (never measured by money, age, fame, status, body size, strength, intelligence, looks, public position, etc.).
    :bulletblue: Does he inspire me to be more and do better, does he support my dreams?
    :bulletblue: Do we have relatively equal sex drives and a willingness to sexually experiment and keep sex fluid and dynamic?
    :bulletblue: Do we share some common goals and interests?
    :bulletblue: Is he ready and capable of making a long-term commitment to me?
    :bulletblue: Is he willing, ready and able to fully participate in the relationship with me, to maintain it as both of our lives change and become hectic?
    :bulletblue: Does he have sexual limitations, like saying he will only top or bottom (cutting-out an entire aspect of my sexuality)?
    :bulletblue: Does he have any serious addictions, mental issues that he is not working on, or codependency?
    :bulletblue: Is he able and willing to respect my thoughts, beliefs, and spirituality?
    :bulletblue: Is he already in a relationship—double check this one?
    :bulletblue: Were he to ask these questions of me, can I equally fulfill them?
SAFE SEX:

Please consider talking to me about SAFE-SEX, either straight or gay. It is not just a matter of condoms for anal sex. Some things defy condoms, such as the various Herpes strains.  We can also talk about testing cycles for when you meet Mr. right and want to know when it is safe to stop using condoms (it takes at least two tests 3 to 6 months apart). 

Sex and Alcohol do not mix well.  You make stupid decisions you often regret later.  I can tell you that two hard alcohol drinks in one night will give you plenty of a good buzz, without drinking yourself sick.  

CONCLUSION: Our SEXUL IDENTITY reflects what we THINK our Sexual Orientation/Gender is at any given time.  As we learn more about ourselves, our Sexual Identity can therefore change.  It is a DISCOVERY process.

It would be arrogant and wrong of me to tell you what I think your Sexual Identity is. Only you can decide, and once you do decide, then later find out more about yourself, you can always change your Sexual Identity as many times as you need to.

INDICATORS OF YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

Please Note that I really do not believe I have enough information to advise you about your Sexual Orientation, but I feel that I should at least tell you what the small amount of information you gave me suggests about your Sexual Orientation, at this point in time. Based on the small amount that you have told me, the indicators suggest you are most likely Gay. This is based primarily on your Gay Romantic desires/attractions/fantasy, your lack of such romantic feelings for females, your lack of sexual attraction to breasts and being repulsed by vaginas.  IF you are primarily gay, your lack of sexual attraction to breasts and being repulsed by vaginas suggests that while your conscious mind desires you to be straight, or at least bisexual, then your desires for females may be a construct of the subconscious mind, reflecting your desire to be Straight and not be gay, while you brain is actually wired to be Gay.  However, there are many other factors, discussed above that could possibly explain this in another way.  If true, you could be Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight.  What we do not know for sure is if you really do have sexual desires for females, but other factors are preventing romantic interest in females, and causing you to feel no attraction and repulsion to naked female body parts.  This seems a rather unlikely path, but it should be investigated further.

If you answer the questions above, it might shed further light on your Sexual Orientation, and possibly change or confirm what I wrote above.

If you want to continue the discussion, please feel free to send me a NOTE.  To send me a Note on DA: There are two ways:
    1. Go to my site :iconinspiredcreativity: and in the upper right part of the page you will see a yellow icon labeled, “Send a Note.” Just enter a subject and your what you want to say and hit send.

    2. On YOUR Messages page, there is a tab for Messages and a tab for Notes. Click on the Notes tab.  In the upper-right-corner you will see a button that says: + Create a Note.

    TO FIND MY REPLY TO YOUR NOTE: On YOUR Messages page, click on the tab for Notes.  In the upper-left-corner, be sure that INBOX is selected. You will find my reply listed in the Left column.
I wish all you the best that live and love can bring you,   Matthew
Reply
:iconthethousandthson:
TheThousandthSon Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014
Thanks for the information.

since my first message I have re-analyzed my thoughts and feelings and have come to a more sold conclusion. That I am Gay, not Bi.
perhaps my belief that I was Bi was simply a Bargaining stage in accepting myself. even to the few people I told, again with the Caveat that I was still not completely sure, It did not quite feel right.
when I just took a good hard look at my feelings and thought about again, and actually said it to myself, It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest, It was a feeling of Liberation coupled with an adrenalin rush.
I talked to one of my friends, someone whom I had already broached the topic of sexual orientation with and told her that I had realized that I had been mistaken in my belief that I was Bi. I trust her, and her discretion, It felt good to tell someone else that.

though a little bit after she left the Doubt, Denial and, perhaps, Fear came back like a freight train.
over that night and the next day I made a point of dispelling the doubts as much as possible and I can now happily say that they are gone again for the most part, I have to say that having doubts and confusion about something this important is torturous. I refuse to let myself fall back into that pit. It helps me to understand why Solitary is so Dreaded in prison, with no distractions, opinions, affirmations or catharsis. your own mind can break you more effectively than any external torturer.

anyway, I've been searching round the internet looking for things, stories, situations to relate to. Catharsis is, I find, Highly therapeutic.

the links I have posted have been some of the most helpful in helping clarify my own feelings. Yahoo answers Catharsis 1 Yahoo answers Catharsis 2
they have been helpful in that I could honestly say to myself that: I wish I had been in the situation they are describing, I think I would enjoy doing some of the things described in the questions.
also the Deviant-Artist, Humon's Niels comic (Linked here: Niels & Gang by Humon) has been helpful in exploring my feelings as well, of the many relationships going on in the comic the one I like most and would hope any relationship I could enter would be most like is the one between Agents 300 and 250, both of whom are men.

It still feels kinda weird to say out loud, even if only to myself, "I am Gay".
perhaps I though I would feel different, but It's not a change in who I am, Its simply an acknowledgement of what I have always been.
there are still the small nagging feelings of: "But what if I'm not Gay and I have simply been terribly mistaken". but they are very minor now.
It will, no doubt, take time for the label of "Gay" to not feel weird anymore, but with the feeling of Rightness it brought I doubt it will take too long.

and before I finish this reply I have too address this point:
as I have been further exploring my feelings for guys and accepting that fact that I am Homosexual (not Hetero or even Bisexual) I've noticed my attractions towards Girls start to Wane and lesson.

going back to the Kinsey scale that I mentioned last time I would say that I probably Fit at about a solid 5 now, I can still see and acknowledge female attractiveness and beauty but its not something I'm drawn to in the same was as before, feelings of romantic desire have become Platonic desire over time and arousal is becoming simple appreciation.

just too reiterate one last point, I think I'm almost certainly on the right track with discovering/accepting my sexuality.
the fact that once I was able to say to myself: "I am Gay" I felt a sense of Clarity, Liberation, Calmness and Exhilaration most mean something. Right?

thanks again for your time.
Reply
:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
HI,  You are very welcome.  It is nice to hear back from you. Sorry for all of the typos you see in my writing. I write 8 to 12 hours a day to many people and just don’t have time to edit.  If I write something that makes no sense to you, please just ask me about it.

CONGRATULATIONS for Coming-out to yourself and to another. This is a momentous step. It is also a big step and healthy step to come-out to at least one person.  I hope that you are feeling very proud of yourself for reaching this point.  It takes courage to embrace a new path. I feel great just hearing about your accomplishment.  If you had told me that you had decided you were straight, I would feel great about that as well.  It is important to accept and love yourself. time for you to celebrate…

This is a challenging time for you and you have been doing everything right to get through it.  Therefore, I think it is a good idea for you to look backward and see how far you have come and how much courage it has taken.  You have overcome ‘most’ of your Internalized Homophobia, which took courage, honesty, open-mindedness and a willingness for self-examination.  You cannot have courage without fear and adversity, because courage is about overcoming fear and adversity, to do what you need to do.  The more you were afraid, the more courage you showed in overcoming that fear and adversity. You needed to get there is steps, working your way up the Kinsey scale, which is perfectly legitimate.

You did not stay in hiding or denial of your feelings.  You questioned, you examined yourself, put thought and research onto it.  You had the initiative and courage to reach out and ask me about it. In the end, you faced the facts and reached a conclusion, even if it was not what you wanted, and accepted who you are.

I really hope that you can see how much you deserve take great pride in what you have accomplished.  I am not pumping this up, I know the journey. Seeing you do this reinforces my own Gay Pride and I feely really great for you.  Gay Pride can mean different things to different people, but if you want to know what it means to me and others check out my: CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must


It is also perfectly fine to wait until you experience dating and sexuality more, before concluding for sure what your Sexual Identity is.  That said, if you have already reached this confusion now, the odds are very high that you already know your Sexual Identity.  ALL of us who are Sexual Minorities have had to come-out to ourselves, and sometimes it is a brutal and painful process, and sometimes a relatively easy one, when full supported from a young age.  But even when a father told his son that he would love him no matter what his sexual orientation turned out to be, the boy still found it very difficult to actually come-out to his father.  The more we love and care for someone, the more we have at risk coming-out to that person.  

COMING-OUT TO YOURSELF: The biggest step in the Coming-Out process is when you reach the point of fully accepting, embracing and loving your homosexual nature, however much it turns out to be.  This is one of the biggest steps of your entire life.  When you are struggling with your sexual identity, there in great internal conflict in you.  This conflict holds you back in a number of ways, diverting attention and energy, keeping you from looking for love, and keeping you feeling unsettled.  The Coming-out process is also a grieving process, of letting go of your old self-identify (with its denial and delusions), of past dreams of the future, your past identity, and accepting a new reality. Out of death come birth—when one door closes, a new one opens. This is where you are.  You have reached acceptance (in part) and are poised to walk through the new door into your new future.

I suggest not coming out to your parents and closest freinds until you are able to do so with Pride, head held high, not hanging with embarrassment or shame.  If you want other people to accept you for who you are, you best start by accepting yourself for who you are, and presenting yourself as such.

Eventually, if you want help with the coming-out process, please feel free to ask me about it. Parents are often the most difficult to come-out to and some ways are far better than other ways.  I lived for years totally in the closest.  Then I came-out to family and freinds (my mother totally freaked out, but came around), but not at work (they would have tossed me over the side of the ship to die back then).  When I stopped going to sea at age 34, I vowed to never hide again. The feeling was exhilarating and I felt this immense feeling of freedom.

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ATTRACTION TO GIRLS WANING

I think that what you might be noticing happening is that some girls still look pretty, but your subconscious mind is no longer trying to play the game of seeing them in a sexual way. Your FOCUS is shifting to you looking around you for attractive guys.

A Straight lad look at a pretty girl he finds sexually attractive and try to undress her in his mind, and his body might respond if the situation is favorable (time look and fantasize is available).

If you had a naked cute girl and a naked cute guy standing in front of you, which one would your focus go to, which body would you love to touch, which one would like like to hug and smell his or her scent?

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WHAT IF I AM NOT GAY & I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE?

This is a legitimate question to ask, but I think it is incorrect to characterize it as a, “Terrible Mistake.” It would be a mistake, but not terrible.

To answer your question, if you made a mistake, your current Sexual identity as GAY is not set in concrete, just as your self-identity of Bisexual was not set in concrete.  The big question is, what is your true Sexual Orientation, which is how you were born?  Your Sexual Identity is how you choose identify yourself at any given time.  Your Sexual orientation is what you are born with.  It is a special thing when your Sexual Identity matches your true Sexual Orientation, but sometimes you have to go on a journey to discover that.

If you were to meet a woman, fall madly and romantically in love with her, be totally sexually turned-on by her, not repulsed by any of her body parts, wanting to get intimate with all of her body parts, can enjoy and be fulfilled sexually and non-sexually by her, then you are probably Bisexual.

But what if you meet a guy in a bar or on the beach, you are horny for each other, you go to his place, you go to have sex, and you can’t get an erection, or the sex is terrible.  Does that mean you are not Gay?  Of course not. If you have had too much to drink, or you have performance anxiety, or you have a lot of stress with school and work, or you are taking an SSRI antidepressant drug, then maybe you can’t get an erection or unable to orgasm. If you are not emotionally connected with guy, sex might feel bad, or afterwards you are left feeling empty.  This is more about who you are with and how you are with him, not your Sexual Orientation.

I knew a woman once who lived as a Straight person for 36 years.  After she got divorced, she met a woman who was really special.  At first she thought they were best freinds, but then one night the other woman kissed her, and she found herself kissing back, and then doing far more.  She had never realized that she had a lesbian nature and was bisexual, until the opportunity presented itself in a lip-lock.  It turns out that she had been having feelings for other women most of her life, but she did not know anything about homosexuality and always assumed those feelings were normal for girl-girl friendships, but they weren’t normal for straight girls.

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YOUR FEARS & DOUBTS:

Your fears and doubts are normal and I applaud your determination to not let them get the best of you.  You impress me with this. This is where so many young people run into trouble. You will have good days and bad days, but if you stay determined and hot those negative feelings and thoughts hard, when they happen, your brain will vanquish your old internalized homophobic programming.

You still have some internalized Homophobia, like I did.  I got to the point where I loved being gay and was proud to be Gay, yet, when having to come-out to someone, or tell a doctor I was gay, I still had some lingering embarrassment, guilt and shame, mostly remnants of my growing up in a very strict Catholic home.  When I recognized this, I became determined to stamp it out and never again feel even a tiny amount of embarrassment, guilt or shame for being Gay.  You will probably also have moments like that.

Any time those negative feeling happen to you, stand taller, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing wrong, bad, sinful or embarrassing about being a Gay Man.  Parts of society may want to put their bigotry on you, but don’t every buy into it yourself.

Right now, you are facing the UNKNOWN, a gay path you know almost nothing about. Your dreams and visions of your future seem to have shifted, but I am going to show you that it has not shifted much.  While the unknown can be scary, it can also be seen as an adventure, something exciting, something new, new toys to play with, lol. You are going to be discovering and experiencing some amazing new things.  You will face adversity at times, but so does everyone else, one way or the other.

Please remember that at the root of anxiety, depression and anger issues is in DWELLING on things.  You are already doing a great job of dispelling doubts and fears.  The secret is to jump on the doubts and fears immediately, the very moment they come percolating up into your conscious mind. When you do this, you are helping to reprogram your brain (Cognitive therapy). Avoid dwelling on negativity and wallowing in it.

Please consider doing POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS for being Gay, at least3 times a day, in the morning, lunch and evening, just before bed. This helps convince your subconscious mind that you are proud to be Gay and love being gay.  Saying them out loud and writing them down, when you can, adds benefit because this forces your brain to process them differently, setting them to your subconscious mind better.  Here are some Gay Affirmations:
    :bulletgreen: I AM GAY,
    :bulletblue: I Love Being Gay,
    :bulletyellow: I’m Proud To Be Gay,
    :bulletorange: I Will Find Love & Share My Life With Man,
    :bulletpink: Other men will Love my Personality, Character and Body
    :bulletred: I Love the Male Body and I love my own body,
    :bulletpurple: There is no wrong, no shame, no guilt and no embarrassment for being Gay,
    :bulletblack: I was born Gay, but it does not define who I am, it is just part of who I am.
    :bulletblue: Some people will hate me for being Gay, but I will not hate them, because I am better than that.
Can you find a secluded area where you can scream, “I’m Gay & Proud Of it?”

HOMEWORK (if you want to): Make a list of your fears, starting with he scariest things, such as: Will my parents reject me, will my best freinds reject me, will it interfere with my career, will I ever find someone to share my life with, I’m afraid of being alone and lonely, will I be able to have children (if this is someone thing you want), will I be discriminated against?  I can then try to answer your fears as best I can.

For example, I was a Foster Parent with my previous partner and had a 7-year-old boy and 11-year-old girl.  Foster Parents take care of children temporarily.  We did this to find out if we wanted to be parents and could be good parents. We were going to get a baby, but alas… Gay single men and couples can adopt children in most states in the USA, and I know some Gay men who used a surrogate and their own sperm (pick one or mix and spin the wheel of chance) to get their child. You can even have a baby with the genetic lines of both you and your partner, two different ways.  One way is extremely expensive and they basically make one man’s sperm into an egg by slicing his DNA into a donor egg, the fertilizing it with the other partner’s sperm.  The cheaper way is to see if a sister, mother or female cousin will donate an egg. This way one partner indirectly gets his bloodline into the baby, along with the other partners sperm.

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HOW BIG A CHANGE IS IT BEING GAY?

To you, being Gay probably feels like a massive change of your life, but in reality, it is not as big a change as you think. I think you will find that you are blowing it out of proportion. Homophobia and internalized homophobia are usually founded in ignorance about the Sexual Minority community and what it is to be a Sexual Minority. Since you have no experience in the Sexual Minority Community, your experience is based mostly on internet stuff, TV, movies, and the usual misconceptions society has about Sexual Minorities.  There are also a lot of negative scare-tactic lies spread about homosexuality as well.  Little of that is founded in the truth.

In a nutshell, gay people are just like everyone else, expect that they romantically love those of the same gender. Everything else is the same.  When you see gay characters on TV and in movies, they almost always comply with stereotypes of homosexuals.  Gay men are shown to flirty, effeminate, promiscuous and with lives revolving around bars and partying and working in the arts.

REALITY: The vast majority of Sexual Minorities are never noticed as Sexual Minorities, because, HELLO, we look like everyone else.  Gay men and women are found in every career possible. I went to sea on Merchant ships. I know a President of a major corporation who is gay. I know mechanics, engineers, doctors, lawyers, scientists, chemists, biologists, and on and on.  We are everywhere.

The Gay bar and club scene represents only a very small minority of the entire Sexual Minority community, yet the Gay Community is seen almost exclusively through its lens.  The Gay Bar & Club scene is great for having fun, being with people like you, meeting freinds and potential love interests.  But most Gay men don’t actually meet their partners in that scene. Do you live in a larger city?  Larger cities tend to have larger Gay communities, which means there are other Gay activities, from Gay hikers club, gay scuba diver club, Gay bowling, gay bingo, gay religious groups, and so on.  Some guys get a taste of Gay sex and then go crazy with it, and this tends to prove to be an unhealthy path.

BECOMING GHETTOIZED: It can feel really good to be surrounded by people who are gay like you.  Some exist so much in the Gay world that they have almost no contact with straight people, basically existing in the Gay Ghetto of their city, working there, eating there, playing there…  This might feel really safe, but it is severely limiting.

My ex-partner Paul and I moved into a conservative neighborhood many years ago.  We found out that the neighbors had a meeting about us, about how to get rid or us, how to protect their children from the Queer child molesters, etc.   Our response was to go knock on the door of our nearest neighbors and invite them to dinner.  They probably did not want to, but probably felt they had to be polite to two friendly smiling faces.  The dinner went well, so we went to invite more neighbors, one or two couples at a time. By about 6 months, we were completely accepted by everyone except one neighbor.  They would shout things across the street like, “FUCING FAGGOTS” and I would back either, “Every change we get,” or “And proud of it.”  The sold their house and moved.  We even got asked to babysit kids and I helped some kids build a treehouse.  My point is that once they saw that we were regular people, everything was Ok.  Now, many years later, it is very common to be accepted, as long as you PARTICIPATE in your community.

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GAY NOVELS MOVIES

You would not believe how many Gay based novels, stories are movies are available, including Science fiction and fantasy gay-based novels.

*** There is a Gay novel that takes place in Australia that I really liked.  This is the USA Amazon link and then you can find it in the Australian amazon store if you want: Adagio

An example of a Gay movie I like took place in England: Beautiful Thing

Would you like a reading list of some Gay books or DVDs?  I have a few hundred, lol.  If yes, let me know what genres of Gay books you like, such as Coming-of-age, Romance, Science Fiction, Fantasy.  They may be in your Public Library.

If you like Gay Erotic/Sex stories and Non-sex stories, for Free, there are two good sites I know of:
Nifty
Freegaypix Stories

Frankly, I think that the human body is the most amazing work of art possible, both male and female, but I am obviously especially taken by the beauty of the male body.  I have a video of a male ballet and contemporary dancer, only he does it in the Nude, allowing you to see all of the muscles in movement.

Gay men tend to have challenges Straight couples don’t have because women do most of the work in Straight Relationships, such as communications and trying to get sharing to happen, especially emotional sharing (with men it can be like trying to pull teeth out).  Lesbians have the opposite problem, they communicate too much.  But we work through such things.   But gay couples have advantages too because we understand each other at a deeper level.

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GAY? LIKES ME? (referencing the link you sent me to):

What is the difference between a best friend and a romantic partner? They are very, very similar.  Love and intimacy can be powerful in both. Remember that Love is all about Sharing and Connection, and that you can share and connect (love) on many different levels (emotionally, commitment, socially, intellectually, spiritually, physically, sensually…).  In romantic love, we also share and connect romantically and sexually.  Best freinds can be for life, and lover can be for life.  I had a best friend that in some ways I loved more than my husband. He was very good looking, but I had zero romantic or sexual attraction to him. He is one of the three people who actually understand me (without the autism).

Some straight boys wonder if they might be gay, because the love of a best friend can be intense, and because he likes wrestling around with his friend and he gets erections doing it.  But all of that can be normal for  boy or girl with an intense friendship, with little other intimacy in his or her life, and for whom sexuality is new and confusing.  It can get even more confusing when he gets a sexual dream about his best friend. His brain is experimenting, and his brain then choses the person he likes he best.  Yet he is Primarily Heterosexual.  When boys are put together in boarding schools, sexual experimentation is common between boys (although some of it is exploitive and predatory), yet most of those boys go on to live heterosexual lives.  It is by a boy’s later teen years when sexuality tend to become more firmly defined in his own head.

Boys and girls naturally crave intimacy, but society and family might teach you that any intimacy is bad, sinful. There was no touch in my family unless it was rough or violent.  If a child is NOT raised with any guilt and shame associated with simple physical or light sensual intimacy, then intimacy happens naturally between to boys or men, or two girls or women, or a mix of them all. If boys and men get very little intimacy in their lives, any intimacy at all might trigger erections. It does not make them gay.  Non-sexual physical and sensual intimacy used to be common between men through the millennia, up to around the late 1800’s when Sigmund Freud started describing homosexuality as a mental disorder, and suddenly nobody wanted to be suspected of such a thing. Any hint of male-male affection could be seen as a sign of homosexuality and thus mental disease, which could destroy family and careers.  Don’t get me wrong, 18th and 19th century Europe saw male-,ale oral and anal sex as a crime, but that was the only thing you could be tried for and you had to be caught in the act by multiple witnesses.

By-the-way, humans are chemically attracted to each other via pheromones. But we have less pheromone attrition to no pheromone attraction to those who have similar immune systems ( see THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
When we have a CRUSH ON SOMEONE, it really does change your brain chemistry in a positive way. How strong your crush is will determine the strength of your brain's response.
When you get a crush or start falling in love, you can get huge surges of energy, euphoria and exhilaration. Beside the rush of endorphins, high levels of dopamine suppress the calming and sensible influence of serotonin, another neuro-chemical that influences mood. In normal doses, serotonin is the antidote to stress; the chemical that calms and relaxes us. But when the brain is drenched in dopamine, serotonin is silenced.
The silence of serotonin serves genetic purposes too, as low levels make us obsess about our newfound lover. New love can look like a mental illness and, during the early stages of romance, the chemical make-up of men's and women's brains is no different from those suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). F
).  A man might look beautiful to you, but you feel no chemistry with; or a man might not be that attractive to you, and he turns you on intensely…

CONCLUSION: It can be really difficult to tell if a guy like you that way, especially when you are a boy and young man. Usually it takes one of the boys or young men to take a big risk with a hand that lingers too long, a kiss…

I was in love with Anton wild when I was 12 and he was the one wight he courage to show he felt the same way.  Alas, I was far too innocent and naive.  All I thought about was gutting to spend time with him, not caring what activities we did (hiking, tree climbing, swimming).  Anton was an exchange student from the UK and they were very tight skimpy speedo-type wear that left little to my imagination, while prudish Americans like me wore baggy trunks.   One day, with our feet dangling in the swimming pool, Anton leaned over and kissed me.  Alas, my mother suspected us and watch us throughout he window constantly.  She cam running out of the house and told Anton he had to go home.  I did not know what it was all about back then, but I have zero doubt that we both loved each other, and I have never lost that love. We were torn apart when he returned to the UK.

The thing is, the older boys get, the higher the level of risk of being accused, being betrayed if you went too far and your affection is not only not returned, but rejected.

With time, you start to acquire GAYDAR. There is a very subtle language of the body and voice that can give us hints about you being gay. As I have gotten older, I am much better at it now, but being Autistic, I was CLUELESS for many years.  Guys kept pointing that that someone was ‘Cruising’ me, and I never saw it.  But I learned it is all a matter of the eyes, of how someone is following you or looking at you that means they are showing interest in you. Add actual eye contact that lingers a bit too long, a slight nod or smile…  I can be in a grocery store, take one look at a guy and think, ‘He’s Gay.’  This is Gaydar, and it took me a long time to acquire it, while others are very sensitive to it.

In my entire life, nobody ever guessed me to be gay, but I was trained to be hyper-masculinized (which has mostly worn off now).  I once sat down on a ship and crossed my legs one knee over the other, and it was joked about for days about how I sat like a girl.  That was the world I grew up in.

When I was in High School, walking home from school, a man got up from a bench and started walking with me, working very hard at getting me on his motorcycle, offering alcohol, drugs, a good time. I terrified and tempted both, but what really haunted me later was, “Why me?”  He let many other boys walk by, some far better looking, so why did he pick me??? Was I obvious, could other people tell? My father made sure his three boys acted masculine and he was the role model (ex Marine Corp. WWII vet, ex CIA).  What did the guy sense in me?  Or was I just his particular taste (super skinny, tall, weak).

GAY MANNERISMS VS EFFEMINACY

You are Australian.  If you came to America to live for a year, you would go home with some American accent.  If I stayed in Australia for a year, I would acquire a bit of an Australian accent.  Being around certain Gay people a lot, those who tend to be more flamboyant or exaggerated in movement (we can call this Gay Mannerisms), will result in you picking up this accent, unless you work at not doing it. Guys like this are easier for your Gaydar to spot.

PLEASE note that when I talk about Gay Mannerisms, masculinity and effeminacy, across the entire range of it, it is absolutely without judgment.  I am just explaining how it all works.

General masculinity and femininity is inborn and seen at very young ages, in both genders and across sexual orientations. But on top of that much can be acquired, like how I acquired a very strict hyper-masculinity, and this is a cultural phenomena.  The masculinity and femininity that we see in men and women is both inborn and culturally/environmentally acquired.  Therefore, when you see effeminacy in Gay men, and masculinity if Lesbians, it might be inborn, acquired or both, and on top that might be Gay Mannerisms.

If you spend a lot of time with Gay men, you will pick up some Gay mannerisms in body and verbal language.  This might be very subtle so that only some other gay people might notice, or far more defined that even Straight people notice. I suspect we have no control over acquiring subtle mannerisms, but we do have a measure of control over the larger mannerisms.  NOTE: Many young Gay men (at least in the USA) purposely work to acquire defined Gay Mannerisms as a park of Gay Identity and Pride.

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INFORMATION FROM THE INTERNET

There is a lot of good information helpful to you about being gay, but there is also a lot of downright dangerously wrong information.  Therefore, please be cautious with what you believe. For example, I found a web page meant to help young gay men and boys, but it was full of lies, and I traced it to a Conservative Christian organization.  I filed a complaint to their ISP and got them off, but they probably just popped up under a different name. For example, they said that gay men engaging in anal sex become anally incontinent.  This is an outright lie, assuming you are not having a fist pushed in there or giant toys.  I used to work with older gay men for 2 years, and men having regular anal sex all their lives, up to their 80s had no such problems. The anus naturally dilates to any penis size, through relaxation of the muscle.  It is not be stretched open, it is relaxing open. No muscle fibres are being overstretched (unless you put huge things in there).

Anyway, please take care about what you believe.  I know I am just another stranger to you, and therefor suspect, but I do have a long reputation here, and I can usually give multiple references to any information I give.

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GAY MALE HEALTH:

I can give you more information on this topic if you want, but it will have to be by DA Note.  Below, I give you some critically important information about Vaccines—PLEASE be sure you have these vaccinations.  These are Preventable diseases that can kill you or give you cancer (which could kill you).

There is information you should have before becoming sexually active, like how to clean yourself out before sex, how to make sure there is no pain involved, things to visually look for, etc.  If you know someone who is Gay and knowledgable abut such things, it is time for you to get this information, or I would be happy to do so.  This information has to be given via Note, due to the content.

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CRITICALLY IMPORTANT VACCINES:
    HPV VACCINE (Gardasil):
    If you have not been vaccinated for HPV (your probably have not) do it immediately, as it is time critical. The age limit to get it is under age 26, because it is less effective the older you are when you get vaccinated. It is ideally given at age 15 to 16, but you can get it up to age 26.  This will prevent HPV infection. HPV infection significantly increase the chances of CANCER of the penis, anus, mouth and esophagus (wherever you get infected).  Most penile cancers are linked to prior HPV infection, and it is PREVENTABLE.  So please get vaccinated as fast as possible, so that it will be effective when needed. The HPV vaccine is given as a three-dose series over a six month time period. It is best to be vaccinated before the first sexual contact.  You might be able to get this for free if you are in college, or through a Free Clinic.

    HEPATITIS B VACCINE:
    In the USA, this vaccine is routinely given to kids, but be sure that YOU have had this vaccine.  If not, get it before you became sexually active.  HEP B used to be the main killer of Gay men, before HIV, and it is still a killer of Gay men.  I was part of the Vaccine Trials in 1979 and the vaccine is still strong in me. A series of three or four doses of the Hepatitis B vaccine are usually given to provide long-lasting protection.
LESS-CRITICAL VACCINES:
    HEPATITIS A VACCINE: This is a good idea to do, but not critical like the two above.

    YEARLY FLU SHOT: Smart thing to do.

    POSSIBLE PNEUMONIA VACCINE & MENINGITIS VACCINE: Check to see if these are recommend for your age and for Gay men in your country.  I figure they can’t hurt.  There have been some outbreaks of Meningitis in colleges.

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TESTICULAR CANCER SELF-CHECKING:
You are in the primary age group for this cancer, but it is very treatable if you catch it early.  All you have to do is self-check yourself maybe once per month in a hot shower, or once per week, whatever you can remember to do easiest.  Get used to how the structures of the testicles and ducts feel.  If you start to feel an extra lump anywhere, go to the doctor.  It is not always cancer, sometimes it is a benign cyst full of water.   If you catch a lump early, it is treatable and you might even save the testicle, but wait too long to find it and it can kill you.

The primary age of this cancer is in boys and young men from ages 15 to 25 and up to age 35 to a lesser degree.  If you want more detailed instructions on how to do it, let me know.

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DANGERS TO BE AWARE OF:

The Gay community anywhere in the world has some amazing good people, good people, not so good people and downright evil people.  I don’t want to scare you, but I do want you to be careful and cautious.  If you go out into the gay nightlife of a big city, alone, there are some dangers to be aware of.

1. If you ever leave your beverage unattended for any time at all, never drink from it again, since a number of drugs, like Date Rape Drugs can be quickly added. Keep your beverage close at hand.  Better safe than sorry.  These drugs allow someone to lead you away and rape you, with you fully aware, but unable to do anything.

2. Never go home alone with a stranger, even just for social reason, no matter how nice he seems. You never know what you are walking into. We see murders, rapes and gang rapes this way. I have been raped and it is not fun.  No matter how strong you think you are, you cam be overcome. In my case, there were two men and a knife share enough to draw blood on my neck, but luckily I escaped and then got rescued before the worse was about to be done to me.

3. Do not carry your money and credit card in you back pants pocket. Put it in a front pants pocket or a buttoned shirt pocket, or a T-shirt pocket under another shirt.  I left my wallet at home and took just some cash with me, and kept it in a money clip in my front right pants pocket.

4. Take enough extra cash to cover an emergency cab drive home, and hide it inside a sock, next to your foot.  If you get robbed you still have a way home. I have a bad memory, so I also kept 3 phone numbers of freinds I could call in an emergency (if you loose your cell phone too).

5a. If you think there is any chance at all of becoming sexual, carry a condom, a mini packet of lube  (tear open and squeeze) and ideally an alcohol wipe (a small square packet your tear open and it has an alcohol wipe to clean yourself with).
5b. Don’t brush your teeth a few hours before oral sex, use mouthwash instead.
5c. Ideally, after sex that included oral sex, clean your penis well, then piss, which flushes your urethra and makes it acidic (you can induce urine flow by using one hand to help push the thumb of your other hand into your abdomen, just above the pubic bone, then downward, to push against and massage your bladder).
5d. Keep in mind that men with a foreskin, who have unprotected sex, have an infection rate 75 to 80% higher, due to the fact that the inside lining of the foreskin is a mucous membrane and a direct vector into your body, just like your nose is. Therefore, it is especially important to use a condom for anal sex, and clean well after oral sex.  NOTE: HIV cannot survive saliva, but other STDs can.

BIGOTRY WITHIN THE GAY COMMUNITY:

This section is not meant to scare This is sad to talk about, but it exists.  The most Bigotry is against Bisexuals, which is based in ignorance. Bisexuality is often a transitory stage for teens and young adults, but obviously bisexuality is very real.  Too many Gay men and Lesbians accuse bisexuals of just being too cowardly to admit they are homosexual.  There is even a derogatory term used on College people who say they are bisexual and get a reply, “Yea, BUG (Bi Until Graduation).”

There is bigotry by ‘some’ Gay men and Lesbians against effeminate Gay men, and bigotry by ‘some’ Gay men and Lesbians against Butch Lesbians, or against Lipstick Lesbians.  There are ‘some’ Man-Hater Lesbians. I am disgusted by all of it.  I love seeing diversity in our community.  I have seen gay men who spend the night Dissing other gay men for how they look or are dressed, “That one’s so ugly he should be shot just to put him out of his misery.” For God’s sake (not that I believe in one), get a life…

HOMOSEXUALITY & THE CHRISTIAN BIBLE:

I do not know if you or your parents are Christian or have a problem reconciling your faith with your homosexuality, but just in case, I put this here for you. Even if you are not a Christian, your parents might be and you might get attacked by Christians, and if so, you can use the truth in answer.  If you have Christian faith, your faith is easily reconciled with your homosexuality. You aren’t supposed to have sex before marriage, like anyone else, but you can get married in a number of Christian churches now (spiritually) until Gay Marriage is legal in Australia (A Crosby Textor poll found that 72 per cent of Australians want same-sex marriage legalized).

If you believe that Homosexuality is a sin, I will take you through the scriptures, to the original Coptic Greek, to show you that translators have lied about what Paul said in Romans and Corinthians, etc.  Jesus Christ never once even hints that homosexuality or same-sex sex is a sin or bad—not once, nor any apostle.  The Jewish faith and the Christian faith, up to AD1100, never interpreted Sodom & Gomorrah to be about homosexuality. They interpret it that way now, claiming that the word KNOW is used in a sexual connotation, although it is not used that way elsewhere in the Old Testament.

You were born Gay.  Homosexuality has been found in some 1,100 species so far and counting, including giraffes, penguins, the entire ape families, swans, bison, and on and on.

Evolution & Homosexuality: Have you ever wondered how it is that homosexuality survives genetically?  If we reproduce at a much lower rate, Natural Evolutionary Selection should have wiped us out, yet we seem to hold steady, percentage of population, for millennia. There are multiple reasons, but the biggest seems to be that homosexuality and ‘High Fecundity’ (producing an abundance of babies) go together in family lines, hooked to the female’s X chromosome, as it the propensity to produce homosexual children.  Do you have any older brothers?  If so, it greatly increases the odds of the younger brothers being Gay, if the propensity is in your mother’s family line.

DISCLOSURE: I don’t actually believe in Gods—I actively choose to be a good person out of my own DESIRE and compassion, not from the threat of a Hell, nor the promise of a Heaven, nor subservience to a God. However, I have studied the Christian Bible extensively, not just the texts, but the theology and the history, so I have been able to stand against any priest or minister in debating the subject.  I have written three papers on the subject:

    New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality

    Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality

    SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC
    SODOM & GOMORRAH DESTROYED BY ASTEROID ON 6-29-3129 BCE
    Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
    The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 
    SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

FINISHING UP

Again, I feeling really good that you feel like you are on the right track and zeroing in on knowing what your true Sexual orientation is.  There is no rush or need to feel pressure.  You will know when you are there.

I like helping guys with sexual issues and information because I had absolutely no help and I went up the learning curve the hard way.  It was worse for me because I am very trusting and I give of myself easily. If you have any questions about love, romance and dating, feel free to ask.

I like to help others learn how to Make-Love, rather than just Have-Sex.  I like to show that there is so much more to love and intimacy than just sex.  Love and intimacy can can take sexual expression to a higher level level.

There is also no reason to feel embarrassment to ask me questions your body, health or sexual questions.  I keep it professional. I have seen and heard just about everything possible sexually and I never judge, unless there is intent to harm another (without consent of the other), or callouss disregard for others sexually, and even then I will offer my opinion, not lecture you.

If I don’t hear from you again, then I wish you all the best my friend,  Matthew
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:iconredlotuspony:
RedLotusPony Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I am not really sure about this... I have fantasies about girls and I find girls attractive, when I walk by a girl in my class, I think she is wonderful, I don't know if I have a crush on her or not. I consider myself bi, but I prefer guys a lot. I have only had boyfriends (which might not be strange since my attraction to girls have only begun) and my current biggest crush is a boy. Does this mean I'm straight or bi? (Sorry, there was too much of it to read it all)
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi,  Sometimes it takes time for a person’s homosexual nature to emerge.  You could be anywhere on the Sexual Orientation Spectrum with a tiny amount of gay, or a lot of gay.  Basically, time will tell your Sexual orientation.  Probably over two-thirds of all humans feel some attraction to their own gender, but it might be so little they don’t notice it for what it is, or it might not be enough of an attraction to act on it.  

You have some attraction to another girl, but is it enough that you want to pursue it?  This question can be confused by our society’s homophobia and young people not wanting to be seen as bisexual or Lesbian. If there were no homophobia, wold you be more willing to explore that path?  One way to explore the possibility is to try to become freinds with the other girl and get to know her better.  Maybe you would be happy being freinds.

If you sometimes feel attracted to girls, but there is no real desire to kiss a girl or cuddle with a girl, then you are probably: Primarily Straight, Secondarily Gay.  This means you will live a Straight Lifestyle.

A strong indicator of your Sexual Orientation is to see who you dream and fantasize about sexually and romantically. But keep in mind that teenage brains experiment sexually through dreams and fantasy, so if you occasionally have a romantic/sexual dream/fantasy with a girl, it could be your mind experimenting.  Girls have also been known to fantasize or dream about being a guy having sex with a girl, and being a guy having sex with a guy.  Some girls even have rape fantasies.  This is all just the brain experimenting.  Therefore, you look at what the greater majority of your romantic and sexual dreams are about.

In your early teens, your brain is mostly having crushes on people based on physical attraction.  As you get older, you start becoming attracted to a person’s personality, and romantic feelings (love) play a larger role.  Some people feel sexual attraction to both genders, but find out that they only fall in love with people of just one gender.  It is more a question who you feel more fulfilled being with, guys or girls.

For example, there is a woman I know who did not notice her attraction to girls until she was 19.  She dated both guys and girls over the next few years.  She was equally sexually attracted to both guys and girls.  However, she was finding that her romantic attractions were much stronger with girls, who were making her feel more fulfilled and comfortable.  The guys were cute and fun to play with, but something was missing with them and they were not meeting her non-physical desires and needs.  She eventually identified as lesbian.  But of course it can go the other way too, where a girl feels more fulfilled by guys and identify as Straight.

Love is all about sharing and connecting on many different levels, such as emotionally, socially, intellectually, heart, spiritually, physically, and in romantic love, romantically and sexually.  

BISEXUALITY:

You are a Bisexual when you are able to:
    1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of both genders;
    2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of both genders; and
    3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
In other words, bisexuality is not defined by who you feel sexually attracted to or who you have sex with (Straight men can have sex with Gay men, Gay men can have sex with women, A Lesbian can have sex with a man, a Straight woman can have sex with a woman, and all enjoy it to some degree).  

CONCLUSION: I cannot tell you what your Sexual Orientation is.  Only you can do that, and it might take more time for you to know for sure. What matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  If you later have very strong attraction to a girl, you can try to experiment with it if you want.  You said you have a boyfriend you like a lot, so for now, focus on him.

Please feel no pressure to decide your Sexual Orientation.  Let it happen organically. Accept and love your homosexual nature, no matter how little it is.  It is part of who you are and it adds some spice to your life.

If you are primarily straight, just because you have some attraction to girls does not mean you need to act on it and have sex with a girl.  If the attraction is powerful, then it is worth getting to know the person and see where it goes…

Sorry I can’t give you an exact answer, but I hope this helped.

Matthew
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:iconredlotuspony:
RedLotusPony Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay, you are basically saying that my sexual orientation will reveal itself as I grow older? It works for me, thank you! :blowkiss: REVAMP 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Yes, time and your willingness to be open-minded and explore if need be.
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:iconmegaanimefreak7:
MegaAnimeFreak7 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Student Digital Artist
This is SO useful! Not just for comic ideas but for understanding life itself! Thank you for also leaving the link for God and homosexuality. I will definitely read it. Question though. What about pansexuality? In my comic I have a lead character who is pansexual. The other characters ask him what that means and he has to explain it, but from what I'VE understood, pansexual means you like everything (trans, bui, gay, straight, lesbian, etc). Now is what I'm understanding correct or no? I REALLY don't want to be wrong on this cause I could run the risk of insulting my readers.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, Actually, your definition of Pansexual is not correct.

But first, as an author, if you use an obscure label like Pansexual, it is indeed a good idea for you to define it for the reader, especially in this case, because as you have seen, there are variations in how it is defined on the internet.

Below, I will cover the following topics:
    :bulletblue: PANSEXUALITY DEFINED
    :bulletyellow: TRANSGENDER
    :bulletorange: SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES
    :bulletpink: EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON
    :bulletred: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?
    :bulletpurple: UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

PANSEXUALITY DEFINED

IMPORTANT NOTE: To understand Pansexuality fully, please read the explanations of Transgender and other Gender Identities further below. I give a ‘Pansexual Example’ below as well.

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is when you are have the ‘potential’ to be attracted to and desire people of both biological genders and all Gender Identities visually, romantically and sexually, and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people1. Some Pansexuals say that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.  

Pansexuality differs from Bisexuality in that Pansexuals are not just attracted sexually to males and females, but also to other gender identities.  For example, Transgender is just one of the Gender Identities, and even ‘Transgender’ has many variations.

1 I added the, “and able to be in a fulfilling relationship with such people,” to the definition, for the following reasons:

Bisexuality & Pansexuality do not mean you have 'some' attraction for both genders or to other Gender Identities, because if that were true, over 90% of the human population would be Bisexual or Pansexual. Sexual Orientation is on a spectrum, therefore almost every human being has 'some' attraction to both genders, but it might be so small it is not noticed, or not enough to act on (ask for date, have sex with).

Bisexuals and Pansexuals are people who can Romantically and sexually desire both genders and be able to have a fulfilling relationship with both genders.  There are people who are capable of having sex with both genders and maybe even enjoy having sex with both genders, but only feel fulfilled in a relationship with one gender. I have seen this many times, just as I have seen people have sex with others outside their sexual orientation, like a Gay man have sex with a woman.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Some young people can confuse GENDER NONCONFORMITY and Transgender, which is why they need time to fully development to know for sure. Gender Nonconformity is seen when a girl is a tomboy, wanting to play with boys & their toys, dress like boys, and otherwise identify in masculine ways; or seen in boys who want to play with girls and their toys, dress like girls and otherwise identify with girls.  However, this can vary in degree from a little to a lot.

What is important to understand is that some of these kids turn out to be heterosexual, although the majority turn out to be a Sexual Minority. To understand this, remember the Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum.  Straight men can be effeminate and straight women can be masculine.  Some of these children may wonder if they are Transgender, like a girl who is a tomboy

TRANSGENDER: To understand what Pansexual means, you must understand what Transgender and other Gender Identities means. Transgender basically means that your gender expression does not match your biological gender. A Transgender person feels trapped in the wrong gender body, like they are in an alien body, usually from a very young age.  However, there can be different degrees of how alienated a person feels, from just enough to realize he or she is Transgender, to intense feelings of needing to get Sexual Reassignment or die trying. We identify a Transgender person by the gender of his or her Brain, not his or her Body.

A Transgender person is either a Female Brain trapped in a Male body, or Male Brain trapped in a Female body. What is significant is that the BRAIN can be either Homosexual, Heterosexual or Bisexual, regardless of the gender of the body.

Some Transgender people choose to get partial to full Sexual Reassignment, via Hormone treatments, or Hormone treatments and/or surgery. If a man only gets hormone treatments but keeps her penis, she is a ’SheMale.’ I have also heard of men who had their penis turned into a vagina, but got no hormone treatments (to look like man in society, but have a vagina). Women can also go through partial to full sexual reassignment.  She can do hormone treatment, have breast reduction surgery (or not), but not have the vagina turned into a penis.  A person can identify as Transgender and never get any Sexual Reassignment treatments or surgery.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A Transgender person can be ANY Sexual Orientation. What happens is the the brain sexes-out in the mother’s womb as one gender and the body sexes-out as the opposite gender.

A Male to Female Transgender = A Female Brain in a Male body.
    • If she is attracted to women only, then she is a Lesbian, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If she is attracted to Men only, then she is Straight, even though she is in a man's body and appears to be Gay to other people.
    • Or she is attracted to both men and women, then she be Bisexual.
A Female to Male Transgender = A Male Brain in a Female body.
    • If he is attracted to men only, then he is Gay, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Straight to most people.
    • If he is attracted to Women only, then he is Straight, even though he is in a woman's body and appears to be Lesbian to other people.
    • Or he is attracted to both men and women, then he is Bisexual.

SOME OTHER GENDER IDENTITIES:
    Fa’afafine: In some Polynesian societies, fa'afafine are considered to be a "third gender" alongside male and female. They are biologically male, but dress and behave in a manner considered typically female. According to Tamasailau Sua'ali'i (see references), fa'afafine in Samoa at least are often physiologically unable to reproduce. Fa'afafine are accepted as a natural gender, and neither looked down upon nor discriminated against. The Samoan Prime Minister is patron of the Samoa Fa'afafine Association.

    Hijra: In the culture of the Indian subcontinent, a hijra is usually considered to be neither a man nor a woman. Most are biologically male or intersex, but some are biologically female. The hijra form a third gender, although they do not enjoy the same acceptance and respect as males and females in their cultures. They can run their own households, and their occupations are singing and dancing, working as cooks or servants, sometimes prostitutes (for men), or long-term sexual partners for men. Hijras can be compared to transvestites or drag queens of contemporary western culture.

    Third Gender: The terms third gender and third sex describe individuals who are categorized (by their will or by social consensus) as neither man nor woman, as well as the social category present in those societies who recognize three or more genders.

    Two-Spirit: Indigenous North Americans who fulfill one of many mixed gender roles found traditionally among many Native Americans and Canadian First Nations indigenous groups. The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women.

    Xanith: The xanith form an accepted third gender in Oman, a gender-segregated society. The xanith are male homosexual prostitutes whose dressing is male, featuring pastel colors (rather than white, worn by men), but their mannerisms female. Xanith can mingle with women, and they often do at weddings or other formal events. Xaniths have their own households, performing all tasks (both male and female). However, similarly to men in their society, xaniths can marry women, proving their masculinity by consummating the marriage. Should a divorce or death take place, these men can revert to their status as xaniths at the next wedding.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

EXAMPLE OF A PANSEXUAL PERSON:
A Pansexual male or female would visually, romantically and sexually be attracted to and desire a SheMale (male who had hormone treatments, has breasts, but retains her penis), or to an M-F Transgender (a biological male who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or a F-M Transgender (a biological female who had or desires Sexual Reassignment treatment/surgery), or any of the other Gender Identities, some of which I show bellow:.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PANSEXUAL?:

The only real way you can know you are Pansexual is if you have actually experience visual, romantic and sexual attraction and desire for a number of different Transgender and Gender Identities.

It is one thing to ‘believe’ that you would have these attractions to all of the different Transgender and Gender Identities, and it is another thing to actually experience such desires and attractions.

I suspect that a lot of young people identifying as Pansexual are doing so with the assumption, or hope, or desire that they can be Pansexual, without actually knowing if they are.

You know if you are gay when you start experiencing visual, romantic and sexual attractions and desires for those of your gender and not for those of the opposite gender.  Otherwise we would have no way of knowing we are Gay or Lesbian. It is like when I have had girls as young as 11 tell me they think they might be Asexual, because they feel not sexual attractions to boys or girls, but they are simply too young yet to have those feelings, so identifying as Asexual would be a false identity.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

UNDERSTANDING SEXUAL LABELS:

I think it is very important to understand that the boundaries for Sexual identity Labels are very arbitrary.  As you read in my deviation, every human being has a Gender/Sexual Identity comprised of 4 Spectrums: Gender, Sexual Orientation, Masculinity/Femininity & Libido.  Each person can be anywhere on each of the Spectrums.

Also, it is worth noting that Transgender and Asexuality are NOT Sexual Orientations.  Transgender is on the Gender Spectrum and Asexuality and Hypersexuality are on the Libido Spectrum.

If you are 80% Gay & 20% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 75% Gay and 25% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 70% Gay and 30% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you?  If you are 60% Gay and 40% Straight, or vice versa, what does that make you? When we say a person is Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual, or Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual, or Primarily Heterosexual/Secondarily Homosexual, where are cutoff points when one label becomes another label?  We each choose where we think we are on the spectrum.  Where we see ourselves on the spectrum can change over time, as we learn more about ourselves and experience more relationships with people.  Our Sexual Orientation never changes, but our Sexual Identity can change.  It is not easy for many young people to figure out what their Sexual Identity is.  Some don't figure it out until well into their 20s.

I do not like Sexual labels.  When we see LGBT, or LGBTQ, or GLBTTSSQQI2, there is no way to include the many, many labels people have thought up to describe themselves, labels that the vast majority of the human population have no idea what they mean.  This is why I try to be more inclusive by saying Sexual Minorities.   I have a list of some 45 Sexual Identity Labels, one of which is Pansexual.  the vast majority of the Sexual Minority Community have no idea what Pansexual means.  99% or less of the human race has no idea what Pansexual means, or most of the other labels.

If I say I am a Gay man, most people make a LOT of bad assumptions about who I am.  That label tells very little about who I am, and misleads many.  Labels mislead others because labels OBJECTIFY people, it strips away humanity and turns you into an object that represents different things to different people.  For example, the label of ‘Gay man’ tells many Christians that he is a child molester, sexual pervert sinner, promiscuous, unable to love and countless other lies.  Even is the Sexual Minority Community, many assumptions are made by using ‘Gay.’  Therefore, what I am saying is that Labeling ourselves and other people has a big downside.  So, I caution getting too carried away with Labels.

We seek to label ourselves to get a sense of self-identity, about what tribe we belong to. When you are in a minority you can feel alone, outcast.  For me, finding the Gay Community was like finding a new family and it became my tribe.  When I was growing up, the Gay Community was underground and to be outed was the worst thing that could happen to you, often resulting in loss of your career, loss of family and friends, and too often, loss of your life.  Finding the Gay Community meant I was no longer alone.  It is my hope that eventually we will all belong to one tribe, and Gender/Sexual Identity will be no different from having different eye or hair color.


— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

I hope this answers your question.  Please feel free to ask any other questions.
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:iconegoff99:
egoff99 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014
Thanks for an informative piece on this when asking/learning about sexuality is so often taboo in modern society, as a highschooler just beginning to see different ideas in the world (and finding that they make more sense than what I was raised on, in many cases), I find that it's difficult to learn about controversial subjects without offending someone. So, for whatever a "child's" words are worth, thank you.
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