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DETERMINING SEXUAL IDENTITY


For many people, there is no question at all about what their Sexual Orientation and Identity are, starting at a very young age.  But for many others, it can be very confusing and traumatic.  ALL of us are a blend of Straight and Gay. People who are almost completely Straight or Gay usually know how they are different from very young ages. Everyone else will have some someone degree of Confusion and Questioning.  Many young people have a small amount of latent homosexuality, enough to confuse them, but not enough to be a Bisexual. Others can be confused by having a friend they love dearly. Some young people are late bloomers, becoming sexually aware later than most others.  For others, there is also confusion about Gender.  For others, they may not have sexual feelings at all.

Some people may not become aware of their homosexual nature, or may not recognize, realize, or acknowledge their homosexual attractions, until their late teen years to their mid-twenties. Girls tend to be later in recognizing their homosexual nature.  For girls and young women, determining sexual orientation can be much more confusing than for boys.  Sexual development can start later or develop more slowly in some people.  Some people may slowly beacon aware of their homosexual nature, while others will suddenly start having homosexual feelings or fantasies.

Sexual Orientation is NOT about WHO YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO OR HAVE SEX WITH, it is about WHO YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO and WHO YOU ROMANTICALLY LOVE. Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had relationships and sex with a lot of women in the years he was trying to hide his homosexuality, saying that he even enjoyed most of it. But he now says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man." Relationships with women were not fulfilling for him, but relationships with men are fulfilling for him.  Sex regularly crosses Sexual Orientation boundaries, but not Romantic Love.

Sometimes Straight men have sex with men, Gay men have sex with women, Lesbians have sex with men, and Straight women have sex with Lesbians.  Given the right circumstances, all kind of things can happen around sex.  For example, some Straight men will get oral sex from a Gay man, or be the penetrator in anal sex with a Gay man, simply for sexual relief between girls, or on a Navy ship, or in a prison. He will feel no attraction to the gay man, he is simply being serviced by the gay man.

For the vast majority of you, what matters is who you fall in love with and want to share your life with.  For some people, the initial attraction may be zero, low, or up to intense.  In my case, I was not physically or sexually attracted to my current partner at all. I pursued a friendship with him, liking his personality.  After spending some time together as freinds, I suddenly found myself both physically and sexually attracted to him.  LOVE keeps your partner looking beautiful and hot for a Lifetime.  LOVE keeps sex with your partner great for a lifetime.  Without Love and sex being bound together, sex becomes boring and your lover no longer turns you on.

I did not even know what straight sex was until age 19, and gay sex at age 20 (I was Autistic and very innocent). Nor did I know anything about Sexual Orientation, or what those words meant, like Fuck, Fag and Queer. At age 11, I consciously recognized that I was attracted to boys the way I was supposed to be attracted to girls, because I was following cute boys around at school. At age 12, I fell in love with Anton Wild, although I did not really know it at the time, because I had no reference point for it. But I knew I had a kind of ache and yearning around him, missing him even after just an hour apart, and I got HARD around him a lot. It all felt much more INTENSE than any friendship I had ever had. Out by the pool, Anton almost kissed me once, then my Mother burst out (she kept spying on us through the window). At age 13, I confessed to my Aunt, "I feel about boys the way I am supposed to feel about girls."  She dismissed it as a "Phase boys go through."  My youthful fantasies were not sexual, because I did not know what that was or looked like.  My fantasies were all around hugging and kissing other boys, and doing romantic things with boys.

CLUES TO HELP YOU DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
A big CLUE about out your sexual orientation is notice who you find yourself strongly attracted to in non-sexual situations, like when you are at school, out with freinds, grocery shopping, etc. ROMANTIC FANTASY, is your biggest clue of all about Sexual orientation.  Romantic Fantasy is NOT Sexual Fantasy. Romantic Fantasy is about LOVE, being in love, loving someone, being in a relationship, sharing your life with someone, imagining yourself living together, etc.

ATTRACTION:
Within your sexual orientation, we are sexually attracted to other people based on a number of factors.  For example, the pitch and timber of a person's voice can affect attraction.  But one of the biggest factors of all are PHEROMONES, which are hormones exerted in our sweat and smelled by others. Each of us are only attracted to certain Pheromones. When two people have "Good Chemistry," this is what is being talked about.

You can be a Gay boy, but only find certain kinds of boys attractive, and maybe only guys your own age, or older guys, or younger guys.  Maybe you are only into bigger, more muscular and hairy guys, or maybe you like them more svelte and smooth.  You may be attracted to only certain personalities too.  If you are a Lesbian, Straight, or Bisexual, the same things apply.  Who you are attracted to in life often changes as you get older.  My first love set who I was attracted to for a long time.  If you are Straight and have a good relationship to your father and brothers, you may find yourself attracted to their body and personality type, because you associate good things with that.  Or it can go the opposite way if you have a terrible relationship with them.  I got picked on by jocks a lot, and to this day am totally turned off by guys who look or act like jocks.

WHAT NOT TO USE TO DETERMINE SEXUAL ORIENTATION:

HAVING SEX with someone is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a boy and have it be awful. This does not mean you are a Lesbian.  You might be a Straight girl, have sex with a girl, and have it be nice, but it does not make you a Lesbian.  You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a girl, and have it be awful. You can be a Lesbian, have sex with a guy, and have it be nice.

PORNOGRAPHY is not a good way to determine sexual orientation. Girls and young women can be sexually aroused by Straight, Lesbian and Gay Male Pornography, regardless of her Sexual Orientation. Boys and Young men are often sexually aroused by any pornography at all. Straight guys tend to get really hot over seeing Lesbian kissing and sex.  But a Gay guy can get easily excited by Straight porn, and not bother to notice that he is ficus on the guys. A gay guy might have an aversion to seeing Gay Porn, due to internalized homophobia, guilt or shame.

SEXUAL FANTASY can be misleading. Boys can sexually experiment in fantasy, and may fantasize about gay sex, or even fantasize themselves as a girl. Girls and young Women can especially do a lot of sexual experimentation in fantasy, and can even imagine themselves as the man having sex with a woman, as a man having gay sex with another man, as a woman having sex with another woman and even have rape fantasies (experimenting with control, domination, submission, etc.).

SEXUAL AROUSAL: If a boy is wresting around with another boy and gets an erection, this alone does not make him Gay—it is actually natural. Teenagers get sexually aroused very easily, due to 'raging hormones.'  If you are only getting aroused by one gender, this can be a hint about Sexual Identity, but you still need a lot more evidence before drawing conclusions.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING ROMANTIC FEELINGS OR FANTASIES?
You may simply need to get older.  Sexual arousal develops first, before romantic desire and attraction.  Also, stress, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues can be shutting you down around romantic matters.

WHAT IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING SEXUALLY AROUSED BY MUCH OF ANYTHING?
Everyone matures sexually at a different rate.  If you feel little or no excitement or arousal by either boys or girls, then:

:bulletblue: Your sexuality may not finished developing yet.
:bulletblue: STRESS, DEPRESSION, anxiety, or other mental issues could be shutting down your sexuality. Stress at home (like a messed up family or abuse) or in school (like being bullied) can shut down your libido. If you were or are a victim of rape, incest, or other form of sexual abuse, this would shut you down too.
:bulletblue: You could have low Testosterone (both boys and girls) or other medical conditions.  It would be a good idea to see a doctor, just to eliminate medical causes.
:bulletblue: Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants, some other antidepressants and antipsychotics, can shut down sexual desire, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).
:bulletblue: Fear of Intimacy, of AIDS or STDs, Body Shame, or raised to believe that sex is evil/dirty/disgusting can shut down your libido.
:bulletblue: Males reach the peak of their sex drive in their teens, while women reach it in their thirties.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN DETERMINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Probably the biggest problem of all in determining Sexual Orientation for a lot of people, is the conscious or subconscious suppression or denial of their homosexual nature, due to Internalized Homophobia.  Homosexual feelings, fantasies, and dreams can be suppressed, dismissed, ignored, or justified in another way. The emergence of your homosexual nature might be dallied by a few years, for decades (sometimes as late as age 50 to 70).  The desire to be NORMAL can be extremely powerful.  I was so Queer that I had no choice but to face it, but it was not easy and I tried to kill myself at age 13.

When kids are subjected to homophobia from birth, the message can be constant and clear that being homosexual or bisexual is a horrible thing. You face being an outcast, vilified, rejected by family and friends, thrown out of your home, and harassed and bullied at school.  If you are raised in a Christian, Jewish or Muslim family, you might face religious condemnation, being told that you are a sin, evil, disgusting pervert, an abomination in the eyes of God, and that you are going to go to hell for being born Homosexual, Bisexual, or Transgender.  For some kids, the first awakening moment of attraction to the same gender can be so horrifying that they are subconsciously or consciously suppressed, and thus the pattern can get set. If they can feel ANY attraction for the same gender, they may run with it.

Many HOMOPHOBIC men are Bisexual or Gay men with extreme Internalized Homophobia, acting-out against other Sexual Minorities. In a study at the University of Georgia, it was shown that homophobic men, claiming to be straight and claiming to have always engaged in heterosexual sex, got erections looking at Gay pornographic videos 30% more than non-homophobic straight men.  When youth are raised in a homophobic environment, or otherwise become homophobic, and they start to experience homosexual feelings and attractions, some respond to their homosexual feelings with HATE, despising that part of themselves.  They then blame homosexuals for making them have these unwanted feelings, hating other homosexuals, OR sometimes just feeling very uncomfortable around homosexuals and having negative feelings about them.



SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual Orientation is the Biological Sexuality Orientation that you are Born with.
Sexual Orientation is defined by your Gender Identity, what Genders you Sexually and Romantically Desire, and how much you desire each Gender.

SEXUAL IDENTITY
Sexual Identity is how a person CHOOSES to identify their own Sexuality, and is not necessarily the same as their biological Sexual Orientation.  A Bisexual man who is both sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, may decide that he feels most comfortable living with men, and choose a Gay identity.

A woman I know says that she is sexually attracted to both men and women equally, but only Romantically attracted to women. She chooses to identify her self as a Lesbian.  Rickey Martin was sexual with women for years, but now identifies himself as completely Gay, because his only romantic attachments have been with men.



BIOLOGICAL GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION,  SEXUAL LIBIDO, & MASCULINE/FEMININE SPECTRUMS

A person's Biological Sexual Orientation is NOT defined by discreet values like Heterosexual, Bisexual, or Homosexual.  Instead, a person's Biological sexuality will fall anywhere across a continuous spectrum between 100% Heterosexual at one end and 100% Homosexual on the other end. The frequency of human sexuality across this spectrum is distributed over what looks like a bell shaped curve, with relatively few people being 100% Heterosexual or 100% homosexual, and with the greater majority of human being biased towards Heterosexuality.

Gender itself is also variable and distributed across a spectrum.  The amount of Sexual Desire (LIBIDO) we experience is also on a spectrum from no desire to extreme desire.  When it comes to masculinity and femininity, this crosses the boundaries of both Gender and Sexual Orientation. Some Straight men are effeminate. Some Straight women are masculine. Some Gay men are very masculine and some effeminate.  Some Lesbians are very feminine and some masculine.  Almost all Transvestites are Straight men who cross-dress for sexual pleasure, while Drag Queens, Boy Drag and Female Impersonators are almost all homosexuals who cross-dress for non-sexual reasons.

During fetal gestation, when the fetus is sexing-out in the brain first and then the body, with sexual organs, etc, many different things can happen in this process to create this wide diversity of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Libido, and Masculinity/Femininity.  There are very real differences between the brains of men and women and homosexual men and women and Transgender men and women.



WE ARE ALL MADE UP OF All OF THESE SEXUAL SPECTRUMS:
     :bulletred: —> :bulletpurple: SEXUAL ORIENTATION
     :bulletblue: —> :bulletpink: GENDER
     :bulletblack: —> :bulletorange: SEXUAL DRIVE
     :bulletgreen: —> :bulletyellow: & MASCULINITY/FEMININITY


It is people themselves who typically desire labels for their Gender and Sexual Identity. The problem is that human sexuality does NOT divide itself nicely into set groups.  LGBTQ or GLBTQ do come even close to including all of our community.  I much prefer to refer to us as SEXUAL MINORITIES.  I know there is a craving by some who seek ever more exotic labels to call themselves by, but there is NO label that exactly describes any of us. We are this amazing and wondrous mix of spectrums, all unique in our own ways.  

Human sexuality is a combination of Spectrums for Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive and Masculinity/Femininity:

Sexual Orientation Spectrum:. . . 100% Heterosexual —> to Bisexual to <— 100% Homosexual

Gender Spectrum:. . . . . . . . . . . Male —> Transgender1 —> 3rd Gender <— Female

Sexual Drive Spectrum: . . . . . . . Asexuality2 (0) —>  to Average to  <— Hypersexuality (∞)

Masculinity/Femininity Spectrum: Masculine —>  to <— Feminine: Applies to ALL Straight & Gay Males & Females3
Some Straight men are effeminate and some Straight women are masculine. Gay men & Lesbians run the entire range from hyper-masculine to uber-feminine.

ALL HUMANS fall somewhere within ALL of the above Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Sexual Drive & Masculinity/Femininity.

1 TRANSGENDER is NOT a Sexual Orientation, it is a Gender. Gender Identity is based on the gender of the person's brain, not their body.  After Sexual Reassignment, the gender of the brain can match the gender of the body. A Transgender person can have a:
  • Straight, Gay, or anything in between MALE BRAIN in a FEMALE BODY.
  • Straight, Lesbian, or anything in between FEMALE BRAIN in a MALE BODY.
2 See the section on Asexuality at the end of this paper.
3 For more information on Gay Mannerisms and on being Masculine, Feminine or Effeminate, see the section further below.



THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION SCALE (used by some sexologist): View the chart below as 7 columns:

Exclusively - - - - -Primarily Strait- - - - - Primarily Strait- - - - - - Bisexual- - - - - - - - Primarily Gay- - - - - - - -Primarily Gay- - - - - - Exclusively
Straight - - - - - - Incidentally Gay- - - - -Secondarily Gay- - - - - -Bisexual - - - - - Secondarily Straight- - - -Incidentally Straight- - - - - - - -Gay
-< 1 >- - - - - - - - - -< 2 >- - - - - - - - - - - - -< 3 >- - - - - - - -< 4 >- - - - - - - - - -< 5 >- - - - - - - - - -< 6 >- - - - - - - - - - -< 7 >-

MORE SEXUAL IDENTITY LABELS:
PANSEXUALITY is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Basically this is saying you are a bisexual who does not want to be constrained by other labels, so you give yourself another label.

GENDERQUEER is a catch-all term for gender identities other than man and woman. People who identify as genderqueer may think of themselves as being both man and woman or as being neither man nor woman and therefore falling completely outside the gender binary. There are more labels people use, but there is not enough room here to describe them all.


NOTE: Sexual Identity and Relationships are actually very different things. You can be any of the of the sexual identities, including asexual, and choose to either be in a relationship, or to be single.



BISEXUALITY DEFINED:

You are probably Bisexual when you are able to:
  1. Feel Sexual and Romantic Desire for people of two or more genders (no sexual desire needed if Asexual);
  2. Be Sexually and Romantically Fulfilled by people of two or more genders (no sexual fulfillment needed if Asexual); and
  3. Feel ROMANTIC LOVE for people of both genders.
This does NOT need to be an equal attraction—you can lean one way or the other, as long as you meet the three criteria just mentioned.  It is possible to feel Sexual Desire for both Genders BUT only feel Romantic Desire for one Gender.  In my opinion, this would NOT be a Bisexual person.

You could also be Bisexual Leaning Straight or Leaning Gay:

     :bulletwhite: Exclusively Straight [100% Straight, 0% Gay]
     :bulletgreen: Primarily Straight, Incidentally Gay [87.5% Straight, 12.5% Gay]
     :bulletyellow: Bisexual Leaning Straight [62.5% Straight, 37.5% Gay]
     :bulletblack: Bisexual [50% Straight, 50% Gay]</b>
     :bulletpurple: Bisexual Leaning Gay [62.5% Gay, 37.5% Straight]
     :bulletred: Primarily Gay, Secondarily Straight [75% Gay, 25% Straight]
     :bulletorange: Primarily Gay, Incidentally Straight [87.5% Gay, 12.5% Straight]
     :bulletpink: Exclusively Gay [100% Gay, 0% Straight]

Anyone within 6.25% of any of the above categories, would fall within that category.

If you are on either side of Bisexuality, and not exclusively Straight or Gay, it can get very confusing to you about what your Sexual Orientation is.  You may have SOME Sexual Attraction to both genders, and can received SOME Sexual Pleasure from both genders, BUT, one gender is Just NOT Fulfilling Enough to desire regular Sexual or Romantic contact with that Gender.  When this happens, your Sexual identity and Sexual Orientation may be different.  For example, you may be technically a Primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight woman, but if you only date women and form relationships with women, your sexual identity will likely be Lesbian.

HAVING SEX WITH BOTH MEN & WOMEN DOES NOT MAKE YOU BISEXUAL.
Just because you CAN have sex with both Genders does not make you BISEXUAL.  Ricky Martin, the famous Puerto Rican pop singer and actor, had sex with a lot of women, and said that he even enjoyed most of it, but that only men romantically fulfill him.  He says, "I am NOT Bisexual, I am a Gay man."

If you are a boy and you had sex with a girl, this does not make you Straight, not in-of-itself.  In the Navy, Straight men have sex with Gay men on a regular basis. It is simply a way to release sexual energy, to fulfill a need. It is sex only, with no emotional component. It does not make the Straight men bisexual, simply because they had sex with a Gay man. Sexual Orientation goes far beyond who you have sex with.

:bulletblue: 17% of Heterosexual adult Men & Women admit being attracted to someone of the same gender! Of those respondents who indicated they have been attracted to someone of the same sex, a surprising 36% said they had acted on that attraction in a sexual way.

:bulletblue: A study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control concluded that "There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual…more than 3 million men who self-identify as straight, secretly have sex with other men…"

:bulletblue: A 2006 survey in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly 1 in 10 men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addition, 70% of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior during the previous year.

:bulletblue: As many as 46% of all guys, whether they identify as Straight, Gay, or Bi, have had sex of some nature with another guy to the point of orgasm (includes Mutual Masturbating). Many guys are curious and experiment. Some do it again and some don't.

For Example:

:bulletpink: A Straight man CAN have sex with a Gay man without Sexually DESIRING the Gay man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in the him.
:bulletpink: A Gay man CAN have sex with a woman without Sexually DESIRING the woman, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Straight woman CAN have sex with a Lesbian without Sexually DESIRING the Lesbian, without being AROUSED Sexually by her, and without any ROMANTIC interest in her.
:bulletpink: A Lesbian CAN have sex with a man without Sexually DESIRING the man, without being AROUSED Sexually by him, and without any ROMANTIC interest in him.

How do you have sex with a person, if you do not Sexually Desire the person?

The answer is that the other person can get you sexually aroused, and/or you can make yourself sexually aroused in other ways, such as:

:bulletpink: You and/or the other person can sexually stimulate your body and sexual organs, using things like fingers, tongue, mouth, sex toys, objects, etc.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused using Pornography.
:bulletpink: You can fantasizing about someone else who sexually excites you, or you can fantasize about a person of a different gender.
:bulletpink: You can be aroused just from being in a sexual situation, and/or because you are very HORNY, and maybe you are intoxicated.
:bulletpink: You can be very easily aroused when you are young (Raging Hormones), by just about anything, especially when you want to experiment.
:bulletpink: Anything TABOO or exotic feeling can cause arousal.
:bulletpink: Sometimes your body will even respond sexually when being raped, unless high pain levels prevent it.  This can add to feelings of shame, which are not justified. Your body can react even against your will, when stimulated in certain ways, like when the prostate is being stimulated.
:bulletpink: Fear and suffocation can cause arousal, but using this is just plain idiotic and extremely dangerous.

Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.

Straight men will sometimes use Gay men to service their sexual needs, as a convenience, or out of need, when women are not available for periods of time, like on navy ships, in Prisons, or because of the culture you live in (Some Muslim countries).  On Navy Military ships, after months at sea, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but this does not make them Bisexual. A man having sex with a man does not make him Bisexual or Homosexual.  There are even circumstances when a primarily heterosexual man can be sexually excited by another man, but that does not make him Bisexual.

It should be noted that some people might be biologically Bisexual, but are mentally and emotionally unable to maintain a relationship with one of the genders.  For example, some Bisexual men and women may succumb to the pressures of society to not live a Homosexual lifestyle, and choose to live as Heterosexuals.  Some Bisexual women may have been abused by men so much that they choose to live as Lesbians.

HOMOPHOBIA & BISEXUALS
Unfortunately, boys and men who are borderline Bisexual or Homosexual, are still under great pressure to live as a Heterosexual. They will get married and maybe have kids, but be barely able to function sexually with their wife, so their sex life dries up, and it is the wife who really suffers, believing she is undesirable and unlovable, while he is slipping out having sex with men, but also not at all happy.  I know men who waited 30 to 40 years before divorcing and coming-out as a Gay man. Often the men love their wives, but just can't be sexual with her. When you are young, you can make it happen a lot easier than when you pass age 30 or so.

BISEXUALS WHO SEXUALLY DESIRE BOTH MEN & WOMEN BUT ONLY ROMANTICALLY DESIRE ONE GENDER:
If you sexually desire both men and women, but only romantically desire one Gender, then chances are your Sexual Identity will end up being based on the Gender you Romantically Desire. If you are a bisexual woman, but only romantically desire women, then your sexual identity will probably be Lesbian.  But it might take you time and dating both genders to figure this out.

Fantasy can be a clue, such as having sexual fantasies with both men and women, but having romantically fantasize with only one gender. When we fantasize, sometimes it is purely sexual, and sometimes it is more romantic. Fantasizing about doing fun things together, like swimming, hiking, and dancing, and fantasizing about non-sexual intimacy, like kissing, hugging and holding each other in bed, shows who you who you would probably be happier sharing your life with.



ARE YOU 15 YEARS OLD OR YOUNGER?
If you are around age 15 or younger (this is a very loose number), and reading this paper still leaves you very confused about your Sexual Orientation, you may very well need more time to let your sexuality develop and emerge. Give yourself some more time to see if your Sexual Orientation becomes more clear. Meeting a special person and falling in love can help make it clearer too.

NOTE: Your body and brain (particularly in the Frontal Cortex) continue to develop until around age 25.  For boys, your penis may continue to grow past the age of 18, slowing to a stop at around age 25.



ROMANTIC & SEXUAL FANTASIES REVEAL YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The best way to determine your own Sexual Orientation is to note which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about ROMANTICALLY, EROTICALLY or SEXUALLY.  Looking at Pornography to see what turns you on is not a very good indicator, because seeing nakedness and sex of any kind will turn you if you are not accustomed to it, and you might be turned on by only one aspect of the pornography, like if you are Gay and watching Straight porn, it could be the guys who are especially arousing you. I cover Pornography further below.  Romantic Fantasies are different from Sexual Fantasy, although Romantic Fantasy might turn into Sexual Fantasy.

Romantic Fantasies & Dreams tell us a lot about our Sexual Orientation & Identity, about who you are more likely to share your life with. Romance is linked to Feelings of LOVE, wanting a Romantic Relationship, wanting a Boyfriend or Girlfriend, or wanting to Share Your Life with someone, like imagining yourself seducing someone, or being seduced, falling in-love with someone, going on romantic dates, doing romantic things together with him or her, like going on a picnic, laying on the ground holding hands and looking up at the stars, seeing the world together, living together, and so on.  Romantic Fantasy can include SENSUAL and EROTIC Foreplay, like cuddling, kissing, rubbing bodies together, tongues on skin, bodies together, exploring each other's bodies, feeling loved and showing your love. Romantic Fantasies and Dreams are Non-Sexual, but can turn into Love-based Sexual Fantasy.

If you are not yet having Romantic Dreams or Fantasies, it is because you are still too young, but if you give it some time, they will start to happen. After Puberty starts, Sexual Dreams and Fantasies happen first, followed later by Romantic Dreams & Fantasy.  The age when Romantic Dreams and Fantasy start can vary a great deal, based on how early or later a bloomer you were.
If you are not remembering your Dreams, it is because you are dreaming before going into Deep REM (Rapid Eye Movement) Sleep, unless you happen to wake up before you go into REM Sleep.  Those who remember Dreams are Dreaming after their REM Sleep.

Sexual Fantasies & Dreams are also a good indicator of Sexual Orientation, but for some people, they can be deceptive and confusing.  Homosexual Sexual Fantasies may be either consciously or subconsciously suppressed by internal and/or external homophobia.  Sometimes, young minds may sexually experiment through fantasy.  For various reasons covered later, you can get sexually excited by pornography that is not in your nature, like a Gay guy getting aroused by Straight Porn, and the memory of this arousal can carry forward into fantasy.

Dreams and Fantasy are a safe way for our minds to Sexually Experiment and Explore, as well as seeking erotic experiences.  There can be a lot of sexual role changing and experimentation in your mind, especially when you are younger. Sexual dreams should not be immediately interpreted as literal expressions of sexual desire.

BOYS & MEN:
Straight Guys Can Have A Gay Sex Dream. If this only happens occasionally, then it is not saying you are Gay or Bisexual.  BUT, if it happens a lot, then you are probably Gay or Bisexual.
Gay Guys Can Have A Straight Sex Dream, but it will be a rare thing.
Guys Can Change Gender In Dreams. This is not as common, but does happen, and again it is your mind exploring and experimenting. Some say it is you getting in touch with your feminine side.

GIRLS & WOMEN: It is relatively common for Girls to dream about being a Guy having sex with a Girl. This is because the male role is often seen as dominant, the one in control, and one of power, and it is your desire to be in that role. These dreams and Fantasies seem more frequent in girls and young women who are Lesbian or Bisexual, but can also happen more frequently in straight girls and women who have issues of feeling dominated and controlled in her life.  Both Straight and Lesbian women dream of sexual encounters with another woman. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are having sex with someone of the same sex, it may not signify homosexual desire, but rather a need to be in better touch of your feminine or masculine side, or if you are in a relationship with a guy, it may reveal a need for more sensitivity or creativity from your partner, since we associate females with sensitivity and nurturing.  Some Girls even dream of being a Man having Gay sex with another Man.  Look at the kind of Dreams that are most frequent.  The younger you are, the more confusing it may seem.

VIRGINS: When you are a virgin, your mind has no reference point for sexuality, as to what things feel like, what would feel good, what would feel bad, what would be healthy or unhealthy. Even worse is when you use Pornography, because pornography is keyed to specific audiences and everything is done is to maximize angles, shots, and specific things that turn most people on. Even how sex is performed is heavily skewed, as is the size of breasts and penises. So porn can fuel some strange fantasies that later will be corrected naturally. There is no harm done, as long as you realize that the real experience may be different from what you See or Read in pornography.

RAPE FANTASY:
Just under 50% of Boys and Men say they have fantasized about being raped by a woman, and sometimes by a man, and if you are Gay, have fantasized about being raped by a man.
50 to 62% of Girls and Women have Rape Fantasies, more at younger ages and less at older ages (a 2009 study).
But it is very important to make a distinction about what is really being fantasized about. When women fantasize about forced-sex or rape, it is not really rape they are fantasizing about at all, it is about surrendering, submission, power, domination, and more rarely, sexual desire without responsibility, and sexual guilt.  BUT it is ALL PRETEND and you are STILL IN CONTROL. I have been raped, and the real thing had nothing to do with sex. Rape is a hate crime motivated primarily by Gender, Power, Dominance, and Control.  You really have zero control, you are POWERLESS. But in dreams and fantasy, we do have control, so it feels very different and it is a very different thing because of it.



ROMANTIC SEEMING FANTASIES, especially at younger ages, can be confused with feelings of high friendship, because friendship is about love too, and you can deeply love a friend.  It can be easy to imagine yourself sharing your life with your best friend, when everything else is there, except for sexual intimacy, which the mind can skip over.

This can be two boys who are best friends, and one boy wonders if he is Bisexual, because he is so fond of his friend. Confusion can also happen with a boy and a girl as best friends. For example, a boy has a girl for a best friend, someone he loves dearly, and his family is homophobic, so being Gay is the last thing he wants, so he believes he is Straight for many years, until he starts having intense Gay fantasies and dreams at 20 years old. He comes to realize that he really does not sexually desire his friend, and now has a Gay sexual identity and is in a long-term relationship with another man.



FOR BOYS, first ask yourself which gender or genders you FANTASIZE about and DREAM about romantically, erotically or sexually.  Then ask yourself if any of the boys and girls you have know or seen in your lifetime have sexually turned you on by giving you (not counting pornography):
  1. Romantic fantasies and/or dreams with specific girls or boys,
  2. Sexual fantasies about specific girls or boys,
  3. Desire to touch or hold specific boys and girls in a Romantic way,
  4. Desire to have sex with specific boys and girls,
  5. Erections when around boys or girls, or from their casual touch (separate from unrelated spontaneous erections)?
FOR GIRLS, sexual arousal does not usually help you determined Sexual Orientation. Therefore, for girls, use only 1 through 4 in list above.



WHY LOOK AT FANTASIES ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE?
Sometimes fantasies about a specific person may be in conflict with your Sexual Orientation. For example, a boy who is primarily Gay, might sexually fantasize about his best friend, who is a girl, out of his need to see himself as "Normal." If he loves her as a friend on many levels, his subconscious mind can superimpose the sexual fantasy.  This can greatly confuse him. The pressure that our society imposes on us all to be CONFORM and be NORMAL can creates a lot of problems in young people figuring out their sexuality.

It can go the other way too. For example, a boy who is primarily straight, with only some Homosexuality, who is very close in friendship with another boy, might have flashes of desire or fantasy for him in a sexual way. Yet if he were able to act out on it, he would not find it particularly satisfying.



SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION
You might think that sexually experimenting with a guy and/or girl would tell you if you are Straight, Bisexual, or Gay/Lesbian, but it can actually be very misleading. For example, a Gay guy might have his first sexual experience with another guy, and have it be totally dull, a horrible experience, or can't even get an erection (due to anxiety or nervousness).

A good way to avoid this confusion is to wait and have sex only with a person you have strong Romantic feelings for, and sexual desire for.  If you just Hook-Up with someone and have anonymous or indiscriminate sex, it might just confuse you even more, or lead you down the wrong path.



FEMALE SEXUAL AROUSAL:
Sexual Orientation can be much more difficult to figure out for Girls. This is because sexual arousal in a girl does not necessarily match her Sexual Orientation.  Recent research as shown a fundamental difference between male and female sexual arousal.  This is important because for men, sexual orientation is more alined to sexual arousal, but in women, it is different.  In the research, most of the young women were sexually aroused by watching videos of heterosexual sex, gay male sex, and lesbian sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.  No, not all women are bisexual.  What it means is that sexual arousal in females has little to do with sexual orientation.

Female Sexual Orientation is mostly determined by Romantic Feelings and Fantasies, and Sexual Desire.  However, if her Sexual Arousal is markedly greater toward one gender, then that is a valuable clue.



GAY MANNERISMS & WHY WE ARE MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE OR FEMININE:

GAY MANNERISMS:
Gay Mannerisms are different from Masculinity and Femininity and are like an underlying layer to those things. There is a subtle to not so subtle Gay mannerism language throughout the LGBTQ Community.  The more you are around other GLBTQ people, the more likely you will be to acquire this, like you would an accent, no matter how masculine or feminine you are.  Some Gay youth and those new to the Community will sometimes acquire exaggerated Gay Mannerisms on purpose, as a way of expressing their Gay identity, or as a way to fit-in with the others.  This should not be mistaken for Effeminacy.

BORN WITH A PREDISPOSITION TOWARD BEING MASCULINE, EFFEMINATE, OR FEMININE:
We can be born with a predisposition to be Masculine, Effeminate or Feminine, and/or it can be acquired later in life.

People can be born with a disposition towards Masculinity or Femininity, regardless of their Gender and regardless of their Sexual Orientation.  This is due to the same reasons for why we are born GLBT.  It happens due to fetal exposures to hormones while in the mother's womb, and depends on which hormones changed and at exactly what times during the two sexing-out phases of fetal development it happens.  The result can be any mix of Gender, Sexual Orientation, Transgender, Masculinity/Femininity, and all of those to any degree.

This means that a Straight man can be effeminate, by a little or a lot, or masculine to hyper-masculine, by a little to a lot.  A Straight woman can be masculine, by a little or a lot, or be feminine or hyper-feminine by a little of a lot.  The same is true of GLBT people.

ACQUIRED MASCULINITY, EFFEMINACY AND FEMININITY:
Gay Men and Lesbians can acquire Effeminacy, Masculinity or Femininity in a few ways.

You can acquire Effeminacy like I acquired a British accent from the first boy I fell in love with, a foreign exchange student from the UK.  When you hang-out with other effeminate guys, you may acquire their mannerisms even without you realizing it. Lipstick Lesbians and Strait women can have their feminine traits reinforced and even increased by hanging out with hyper-feminine women. This is also true of Lesbians who hang out with masculine Lesbians.  Who you hang-out with a lot or work with a lot can make a difference.

It can work the same way towards masculinity for Gay men.  I was influenced to be more masculine by association for 17 years of living in tight quarters with almost all masculine men, but I was also under threat of my life if my being Gay was discovered, so there was a lot of pressure to be perfectly masculine and even hyper-masculine. I went to an Academy and then out to sea on supertanker ships.  If my shipmates had discovered that I was Gay, they would have killed me by tossing me over the side of the ship to drown.  It was done and it was joked about. For 17 years I had to watch every word I said, how I said it and how I moved my body. I made a mistake once when I sat down and crossed my legs, one knee of the other knee. It was joked about for a week, about how I sat like a girl or a Faggot. When I talked about my family life, my partners, I had to keep changing 'him' to 'her' and 'he' to 'she.'  This resulted in me becoming a bit towards the hyper-masculine, despite living with two effeminate husbands for 10 years, one a Drag Queen.

Finally, and especially for youth and young adults, you can acquire mannerisms of masculinity and femininity from those who are your Role Models, people you really respect or love, or those who mentor you.  I had a mentor and best friend, for many years, and I acquired some of his mannerisms, especially being able to maintain absolute calmness in face of crisis at sea, to lead my men. He was a very masculine man.



MY QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU DETERMINE YOUR SEXUALITY

  1. What do you daydream or fantasize about, sexually, when not Masturbating? You are looking for naturally occurring involuntary ones, not ones you try to purposely create in your mind.

  2. What do you fantasize about when you are Masturbating?  This does not include where you are FORCING YOURSELF to fantasize about a specific gender.

  3. If you watch Pornography, do you watch Straight Porn, Homosexual porn, or both, and if you watch both, which do you enjoy the most?  If you enjoy watching Straight porn, what do you focus on the most in the Straight porn, the male body parts and action, or the female body parts and action?

    Porn is not always a good measure of what is going on, because younger boys especially can get super-turned-on by anything sexual, which can be confusing to them.  But over time, the stuff contrary to their nature will really boring fairly quickly.

  4. Do you remember any of your dreams, and if so, can you remember the sexual ones? If you do remember them, are they Straight or Gay dreams, or both? Remembering dreams depends on if you dream before or after REM sleep.  If it is after, you can usually remember dreams.

  5. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit?  Do you get erections thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or vaginal sex, with a woman, or more?

  6. BOYS: Do you get spontaneous erections from seeing hot looking guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude or in a bathing suit? Do you get erections thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about giving and/or receiving oral and/or anal sex, with a guy, or more? Note: Some virgin Gay guys may think certain gay sexual acts sound disgusting, until they actually do it, then can't get enough. Therefore, if one or two things do not seem like a turn on to you, it does not mean you are not Gay.

  7. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot looking women, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude?  Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a woman's body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over her entire body, or sucking on her breasts?  Do you ever fantasize about sex with a woman?

  8. GIRLS: Do you get sexually aroused from seeing hot guys, or thinking about them, particularly in the nude? Do you get sexually aroused thinking about a guys body parts?  Do you ever fantasize about running your tongue over his entire body? Do you ever fantasize about sex with a guy?

  9. If you are sexually aroused by both men and women, is one more intense than the other? If so, is one considerably more intense, or just a little more?

  10. Who would you rather wake-up cuddled up to and spooning with, a man or a woman? If you are trying to force yourself to be Straight, I want you to make an effort to remove your conscious drive to be heterosexual and live happily ever after with a woman. What does you heart say, not your mind?

  11. What kind of ROMANTIC dreams, fantasies and day-dreams do you have? Do they involve men or women or both? If both, which feels more comforting and fulfilling.

  12. Do you feel any guilt, shame or self-hatred around your sexual attractions, cravings, and feelings, and a desire not to have those sexual feelings, and do you feel like you are letting others down by being homosexual or bisexual?  I ask this question because it can show a motive for why you want to be straight, or why you are trying to force yourself to be straight, which can distort some of the answers you already gave above.



STRAIGHT GUYS & ANAL/PROSTATE STIMULATION

Straight Boys may be confused about their sexuality if they have discovered that playing with their anus is fun, including digital penetration, massaging their Prostate, or even using toys.  This is very normal and records of it go back thousands of years in Chinese and Indian texts, where women did this to men as part of normal sex. The Chinese considered the Prostate to be the third male sex organ (1-penis, 2-testicles/scrotum, 3-prostate) This area of the body is an erogenous zone, no matter if you are Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Some straight men even enjoy having their wives use a strap-on toy.



STRAIGHT GUYS GO WILD OVER LESBIAN INTIMACY & SEX.
STRAIGHT GIRLS GO WILD OVER GAY MALE INTIMACY & SEX


This is NORMAL to human sexuality. Obviously not everyone conforms to this, and religious and cultural training can interfere with it.



WHY PORNOGRAPHY CAN MISLEAD YOU

First of all, remember that pornography is designed to please as many customers as possible, so the things you see may not be typical of real sex at all.  For example, in Porn, ejaculation is always outside the body, because that is what people want to see, not because it is normal.  Anal penetrations are rapid in Porn because the models are already cleaned-out, prepped and stretched, otherwise you could really hurt someone. Oral sex may be very lacking in technique, because it is not easily filmed doing it right, etc.  There are also things in porn that are not typical at all, like porn with scenes involving urine, which is actually rather rare in the real world.

I am about as homosexual as you can get, yet when I was a boy, seeing pictures of a naked man or woman could arouse me, because of the TABOO factor—Forbidden fruit can be particularly arousing. As a Gay man, I can find the nude female body to be beautiful, but it does not sexually arouse me at all.  I did not even know what sex was until I was 19 years old, when another cadet smuggled a pornographic film and projector onto the ship. It sexually aroused me because of the Taboo factor, and because I focused on the men and their erections. I had never even seen another man aroused before.  When I went to sea (not military), there was a lot of straight porn in our staterooms.  After months at sea, I could use it for stimulation by focusing on the men, and with stories I could switch the woman to a man, most of the time.

What I am trying to show here is that Pornography alone may not tell you much.  Young people who are  in Denial, or are subconsciously or consciously pushed to be straight because of a homophobic environment, will use being able to be aroused by straight porn as absolute proof of being Straight. I must be straight because straight porn turns me on.

For girls and young women, pornography may not tell help you at all in determining sexual orientation, because most women can be sexually aroused when viewing Straight, Lesbian, or Gay pornography, REGARDLESS of her sexual orientation (based on a series of studies).

After viewing Straight, Lesbian or Gay pornography and finding it sexually arousing, it is possible that memory of that arousal and excitement might carryover to FANTASY and DAY-DREAMS, further confusing you.  What is much more significant is if you have a sexual response to real men or women you have met.

If pornography is confusing you about your sexual orientation, break it down and discover what is turning you on and what is turning you off.  If straight and homosexual porn sexually excites you, but you are unsure of your sexual orientation, ask yourself exactly what part of it is exciting you.  Do you find naked male bodies, without erections, to be sexually stimulating and arousing? Do guys only become stimulating to you when they have erections?  Do you find naked female bodies to be sexually stimulating and arousing?

If it is the act of penetration that is stimulating and arousing to you, and not necessarily WHO is doing it, this can be significant. A straight guy seeing a man penetrating another man anally might find it exciting, but it is not the gay part exciting him, it is penetrating someone anally that is exciting to him, and he can do this in straight sex, assuming she is willing (many women vend it pleasurable). On the other end, Straight men have been getting-off on anal stimulation for thousands of years, as found in ancient texts, although it is typically with fingers, toys, or a woman using a strap-on. For Lesbians, seeing penetration in Straight Porn might turn you on, but it is not the men that are the turn on, but rather the sexual act of penetration that is the turn-on.  If it is the act of penetration, this is something that can be done is Lesbian sex too, using toys, strap-ons, etc.

Finally, what if you think you are gay or lesbian, but after watching some gay porn, part of it turns you off or even seems disgusting?  Particularly if you are a virgin, certain acts might seem like a real turn off, but in the real world it will feel very different when you are crazy about a person and want every part of him. Some things like anal sex might seem dirty and disgusting, but it is typically very clean because the receptive person cleans himself out, and if you are crazy about the guy, who cares?  At the same time, some things might turn you on in a video that you would not want to do for real. Like maybe being spanked or bound and gagged turns you on  to see it, but you would never want to actually do it.  This is normal, because FANTASY is often about things we would not do for real.



WOMEN OFTEN FIND GAY MEN TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE TO BE AROUND

Some women and girls get frustrated because they fall for guys who turn out to be Gay.  Women and girls can often sense the underlying sexual tension of straight men and boys.  Some thrive in it, but it can get old, especially when women are working in a male dominated workplace, and especially so when women and girls have been sexually harmed by men.  For a woman or girl, being around a Gay man or boy can feel more comfortable and safe, even if they have no idea he is Gay.

Many Gay men and boys have women and girls as their best friends or a very close friends.



WHEN MEN or BOYS ARE RAPED

When Boys or Men are anally raped, especially when done over a period of time, like when kidnapped, in Juvenile Detention, or in Prison, or any time that the pain of forceable penetration is low, they may end up getting erections, orgasming, and ejaculating, which can cause an even deeper shame and a questioning of their sexuality, thinking they must be Gay. Further, most Boys and Men can experience an erection when feeling great fear. Unfortunately, boys and men almost always keep rape a secret and never learn the truth about why their body reacted that way.

When the prostate gland in boys and men is being rhythmically impacted or massaged during anal sex or rape, it is a natural response of the male body to get an erection, experience pleasure, and sometimes even orgasm and ejaculate without ever having touched himself during the sex or rape. If you are being raped, this can really make a guy think he is Gay, but again, it is purely mechanical.

Even worse is when the rapist or others accuse the victim of liking to be raped, further increasing feelings of guilt and shame, and questioning of their sexual orientation.

If you know any boys or men who are victims of rape, be sure to explain this to them. There is no cause for shame or the questioning of their sexuality.



WHEN GIRLS or WOMEN ARE RAPED

Something that can greatly add to the shame and guilt felt by Girls and Women who are raped, is if their body responds with an orgasm.  This is most likely to happen if held over a period time, or any time the pain of forceable rape is low.  It is again a Natural response of the body, and can happen to her even when she is terrified, feeling horrified, and in mental anguish.

Many people falsely assume and ACCUSE women who experience an orgasm in rape that she must enjoy being raped, which is a disgusting and outrageous thing to say, or accuse a woman of.  Even worse is when the Rapist himself is taunting her with the fact.  Even other women can be judgmental about this when a woman is raped, but is again a natural body response. Different women will respond in different ways, and fear and terror can affect people differently.



FORCED CHANGING OF SEXUAL IDENTITY

Sexual Identity can actually be changed against one's nature, but it is debatable about how much so.  For example, a person who is primarily heterosexual, but secondarily homosexual or incidentally homosexual, could be forced into changing sexual identity to homosexual.

In prison, rape is common, BUT relationships are also common, typically stemming from "protector" and "protected" relationships.  It is NOT just a matter of sex.  Most human beings will crave and NEED intimacy to survive. Additionally, there is chemistry involved. The hormone "Oxytocin," is secreted by both sexes during orgasm. Oxytocin, is the key to monogamy and long-term attachment. It has also been dubbed the "cuddling" chemical, which also helps new mothers make milk and bond with their babies. The longer two men or two women are having sex, even just out of necessity, the more they will bond and form a loving relationship.

When Straight men are incarcerated for very long time periods, or for life, they engage in homosexual sex out of necessity.  Many of the smaller less strong men do not do so out of desire, but do so out of the need for protection from rape and violence from the general prison population. But over time, there is also a need for intimacy and bonding for both, helped by the hormone Oxytocin. These relationships can become strong and loving. But on release from prison, they revert back to heterosexual behavior.

Some women are so brutalized by men that they cannot bring themselves to ever be intimate with a man again, and sometimes cannot even bear the touch of a man. But they still have a need for intimacy and bonding. Which is why some women adopt a Lesbian lifestyle, despite being primarily heterosexual.  There needs to be enough homosexuality in her sexual spectrum to allow this to happen.  If you encounter a Man-Hating Lesbian who even discriminates against Gay men, chances are she became a Lesbian by choice, due to abuse at the hands of men.

It is easier for Straight women to become Lesbians or Bisexuals than it is for Straight men to become Gay or Bisexual.  This is because women can be sexually aroused by either gender, regardless of her biological sexual orientation. Male sexual arousal is driven by their biological sexual orientation. Therefore, conditions have to be more extreme for men to change their sexual identity.



ASEXUALITY

ASEXUALITY is when you permanently lack a Sex-Drive (Libido). Asexuality is not a Sexual Orientation. Asexual people have a Sexual Orientation, and can have Romantic Attraction and Desire for a person, but have no Sexual Drive.  Libido (Sexual Drive) is the thing that pushes you to desire and need sexual release (sex or masturbation). Asexuals feel no desire, drive or need for sex, but they can enjoy sex if they choose to engage in it. Asexuals may choose to engage is sexual activity for various reasons, such as being in a relationship with someone who is not Asexual

If you never desire sexual intimacy, and never feel sexual attraction or arousal to anyone or from fantasy, then you are Asexual. You are not Asexual if you abstain from sex due to a fear of intimacy or sex, or aversion to sex, for other intimacy issues, for religious reasons or for psychological reasons.  People who are Celibate-by-Choice or who are Autosexual are not Asexual.  [Autosexual: Those who prefer masturbation over partnered sex.]

You are either born Asexual, or it can happen later in life, from problems in the brain at birth or that develop later, due to injury to the brain, tumor, etc.

ASEXUALS & MASTURBATION:
Asexuals feel no desire or need to masturbate, but can enjoy the sensations of doing it, and masturbation can relieve discomfort of your body’s natural sexual reactions. The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis.

Some people, who only engage in masturbation (no sex), tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, however, this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.

When you truly have No Libido, you typically have no desire to masturbate—I experienced this when drug treatments shut down my libido—but one may sometimes do it to alleviate discomfort. However, some Asexual-identified people say that the mechanical process of masturbation gives them physical pleasure, without experiencing desire or using fantasy or pornography. Because sexual nerves are only one component of the sexual pleasure equation, nothing but mechanical masturbation yields a lot less perceived sensation, and thus it tends to happen less and less frequently over time.

Some people who only engage in masturbation, tend to think of their sexuality as nonexistent. Many call themselves Asexual, based more on a psychological aversion to sexuality, rather than a lack of actual Libido.  Some people say they feel Sexual Desire, and use sexual fantasy or pornography to masturbate, but have no desire to be sexual with anyone, but this is really a fear or aversion to being sexual with others, and is not Asexuality.

THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL:

TESTOSTERONE: Sexual Drive (Libido) is driven and regulated by Testosterone in both males & females. If you have a low or zero sex-drive, Testosterone levels should be checked.  If Testosterone is too low, Testosterone supplements can be used to regain your sex-drive [available in gels, underarms (like a deodorant), patches, etc.].

MEDICATIONS: Some Medications, such as SSRI Antidepressants and antipsychotics, some hormonal contraceptives, opioids and beta blockers can suppress Libido, and in some cases it can be permanent (post-SSRI sexual dysfunction).

PSYCHOLOGICAL:
Sexual libido can also be completely shut down for psychological reasons—this is not Asexuality. Some of these reasons can be obvious, and others more hidden and subtle.
    FEAR: Fear of Intimacy, fear of sex, fear of being hurt and fear of the emotions and vulnerability of sex can easily shut down Libido. This can be especially true if you have already been emotionally damaged in dating, or witnessed it in others. Most are not even conscious of this process.  You might fear AIDS or STDs. Body Shame can shut you down.
    STRESS, DEPRESSION & ANXIETY in your life can easily shut libido off in some people. This can happen from your home or school environment, from tragedies in your life, stress from growing up LGBTQ, a dysfunctional family, home problems, living with an addict, being bullied, pressure for grades and career, and physical, mental, emotional and psychological abuse.  VICTIMS OF SEXUAL ABUSE can also get shut down sexually.


©Matthew Barry 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015

Updated Section on Sexual Spectrums 01-29-14, & general clean-up of deviation after DA changed its HTML coding.


Where are you on the Spectrums of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Sexual Drive, and Masculinity/Femininity?


Gender-Sexuality is a wide and continuous spectrum:
A Spectrum from 100% Heterosexual to 100% Homosexual and everything in-between,
A Spectrum from Male to Female to 3rd Gender and Transgender,
A Spectrum from Masculinity to Femininity and Effeminacy,
A Spectrum from No Sex Drive (Asexual) to a Very High Sex Drive (Hypersexuality).
EVERY HUMAN BEING IS A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THE ABOVE SPECTRUMS.

For some of us, the journey to understanding our nature, and then to find self-acceptance of it, can be a confusing and difficult quagmire, often fraught with angst and turmoil, especially when denial and/or internalized homophobia are involved.

When I was 11 years-old, I knew that I was different from other boys and that I liked boys the way I was supposed to like girls. I did not even know what sex was until age 19, but I dreamed of holding another boy in my arms and kissing him. I fell in love with Anton Wild when I was 12, just to be torn apart when he returned to the UK.

For me, it was the journey to self-acceptance and self-love, at a time when almost everyone felt you were better off dead than Gay, that was full of turmoil, guilt, shame, depression, and self-hatred, before I finally was able to overcome it all and find the freedom to love myself as a Gay man.

To better understand what your Sexual Identity is, it is a good idea to first understand the different aspects of human sexuality.

Almost nothing of value is taught about human sexuality in school. My purpose here was to give you enough information to better understand yourself, while also being very brief.

Feel free to contact me with questions.



GENDER & SEXUAL IDENTITY SYMBOLS (For the Image at Top of Page)

It is important to make a distinction between Symbols for an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S Gender & Sexual Identity, and for a RELATIONSHIP’S Gender & Sexual Identity.

Top Row
    1. Male Homosexuality (Gay) or Gay Relationship 2. Female Homosexuality (Lesbian) or Lesbian Relationship 3. Intersexual or Transgender Person 4. Heterosexual Person 5. Transgender Person
Bottom Row:
    1. Transgendered 2. Heterosexual Relationship 3. Male Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with Two Males & One Female 4. Female Bisexual OR Polyamorous Relationship with One Male & Two Females 5. Intersexual or Hermaphroditic
Not Shown:
    1. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Males: Three Interlocking Mars Symbols 2. Polyamorous Relationship with Three Females: Three Interlocking Venus Symbols 3. Asexuality, Sexless or Genderless: Medium White Circle Base 4. Neuter: This is in fact the shape of the original (medieval) "Venus" symbol (depicting a hand mirror - a circle with a vertical line at the bottom).



You may also find some of my other GLBT writings to be of interest:

CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE - An Older Gay Man's Perspective
Straight people keep asking, "Why do 'you' people need GAY PRIDE when there is no need for STRAIGHT PRIDE?" This is my answer:
Straight people do not need to be proud of being straight, because they do not need to overcome and survive vilification, hatred, bigotry, discrimination and suppression, for being straight. Sexual Minorities deserve great pride and respect for overcoming all of that, and more.I call this a "Celebration of Gay Pride" because it is a celebration of my journey to self-acceptance and pride-of-self.  I was 13, an Altar Boy wanting to be a Priest, when our priest told us boys, "Boys who are physically attracted to other boys are an abomination in the eyes of God, doomed to burn for an eternity in the everlasting fires of Gahanna." I could not understand it. I was simple, autistic, and I lived to be a good boy. I had not done anything to make these feelings for boys happen. God must have made
 CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968 by inspiredcreativity Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1968
THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity New Testament + Homosexuality
Old Testament + Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity Old Testament + Homosexuality
SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC
SODOM & GOMORRAH DESTROYED BY ASTEROID ON 6-29-3129 BCE
Sodom and Gomorra were two ancient Early-Bronze-Age cities in a fertile region of the Middle East, near the Dead Sea.  The time is shortly before dawn on 6-29-3129 BCE, and 600 miles (966 Km) from Sodom & Gomorrah, there are two Samarian Astronomers observing the skies.  They observed a fiery body traveling across the night sky.  They inscribed its path and it relative course and position against the stars on a clay disk, called a Planisphere.  Dr. Hempsall and Alan Bond deciphered the clay disk and used computers to recreate the night sky thousands of years ago. They pinpointed the sighting of the ancient astronomers to shortly before dawn on June 29 in the year 3123 B.C.
The asteroid, which was about 1.25 Km (0.78 Miles) in diameter, exploded above the ground with a force of a 10,000 megaton nuclear weapon (100 times more powerful than any nuclear weapon on earth). 
 SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC

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:iconslippymagnus:
Inspired Creativity?
You are a genius, and if not, I'd only feel comfy letting you recieve the title "More Tolerant Than Most". I am impressed with your ability to Cull the Unknown from the Fact.

You have an obvious talent for explaining Human Psychology, physical and otherwise, but this really shines once you view it through anothers eyes. I was never curious about my own gender or anything like that, but i'm sure that people are. You having the Gonads (proverbial or no) to dispell the fog-of-war surrounding these issues is Enlightening and influential.

Go forth and continue updating, editing and expanding upon the ideas listed inside of this "paper".... I'm off to go re-read this monster.

Ciao!
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:iconbluedude67:
Besides one technical error (at the top of where is says "within all of those spectrum, every combination is possible" was a little confusing. I wasn't sure what you meant or what those combinations were. this was very well written. It has helped me with thinking about everything I am and not only focusing on the Sex. I want to thank you for writing this, something so long must have been very hard.

The part where you are talking about sexuality and Sexual identity was a little confusing, the bisexual part might need a little more work. I think some more info, or details with the levels, also could be called labels, would be very helpful. I didn't completely understand your differences between Bisexual and "primarily gay secondary straight. Nor what incidentally straight/gay meant.

You did a fair job with the asexual, however maybe a supportive piece could be added or just add more info on why they are like that and how to "deal with it" or some more info on the way in which they are asexual but still in relationships.

OH! and the part about fantasies being about non-sexual things was a huge eye opener for me.

Overall well done and thank you for posting this.
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42 out of 43 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconnobodyofdistinction:
nobodyofdistinction Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2015  New Deviant
How sensitive and wishywashy you're trying to be in the first parts, reassuring people that just because they want gay sex, that doesn't mean they're gay, and whatnot, and how wrong and callous you are on the asexual part. So let me tell you about me, a little bit. More than I'd normally like to admit to. I am first of all, asexual. Though you would refuse to acknowledge me as such. You would claim that I am "afraid or averse to" sexual intimacy with others. And to that, I say, fuck you, that's not the only explanation or alternative, that's an argument from ignorance to say "you're either this or that and there are no alternatives because my puny imagination can't conceive of one". I have no desire to have actual sex with anyone. Never did. It's certainly not due to fear, though I would certainly say I don't want any venereal diseases and if I was forced at gunpoint to have sex with someone that is what I would be afraid of most. But I don't WANT masturbation either. To me, it's just an addiction. Also, I don't experience physical pleasure. I didn't even understand that there was this feeling that other people experience until I was like 30 called "pleasure" which was a PHYSICAL FEELING and in some way the opposite of pain. Until then, I thought pleasure was just a synonym for happiness, an emotion. So I am rather like the rare person who is unable to experience pain, and there are such people, but I don't experience pleasure. But to me, sexual anything is just an addiction. With withdrawal symptoms that tie me up and make it almost impossible to do anything. It's not what I WANT. It's not what I DESIRE. It's not what I ENJOY. It's a nasty addiction. One I would very much like to be rid of completely. One I have gone more than a year without at a time, at stretches, by the way, like not once between January 17 2011 and late April 2012. And it is exactly like an addiction in every way, it's just an addiction to a chemical cocktail produced by my own brain, that's the only difference between it and heroin, that you don't have any heroin glands inside your body already. For the first month, the withdrawal symptoms increase, they hang around for another month, but after the first 2 months, it rapidly disappears again. If only the guy in that movie "40 days and 40 nights" had lasted just a LITTLE longer. After 2 months, the longer I go without from then, the less I need it. The more FREE I am. My health actually improves. I have more energy. My resting heartrate lowers. And then, one day, generally in spring, there comes a day when for some reason my blood is FLOODED with acetylcholine, to the extent that it is actually putting me into shock. Actual, physical shock, with my heartrate erratic, a massive headache, a similar feeling to a massive sugar overdose or a caffeine overdose. And I know there's only one thing that will save me from this. And then I'm addicted once again. That time in April 2012, my mind didn't want it, but my body sure did, to the extent that that first time after the year and a half gap, I had a multiplicity ten multiple orgasm in a period of 5 minutes, and then later that night, a multiplicity eleven one. And I'm male. Nothing enjoyable about it, mind you, to me, it's just an involuntary contraction of a few sphincter muscles. And then once again I'm enslaved. Often for months or years once again. And I hate it. But don't you dare tell me that I'm not a true asexual person and that I'm merely "afraid or averse" to sexual contact with another human being. Let me tell you what ACTUALLY is happening here, why it's possible for me to be this way. You see, humans were produced by a process called evolution. Perhaps you've heard of it. Their distant ancestors, more than 100 million years ago, were not mammals, they were reptiles. These reptiles had much simpler brains, without much of an ego or conscious agency, they were just a pack of instinct and impulses. The funny thing that happened when they gained the ability to reason as a result of evolving to be able to reason, is it's not so much the case that the brains evolved to become more complicated, but rather than that, another brain was built up AROUND the old one. The old one is still there, much unchanged. Much like the core of the Earth, your brain has a core to it, so to speak, which is the reptile brain. And it's truly a different entity than your conscious mind, though you may think otherwise. In my case, I'm not exactly friends with my reptile brain. It wants something, and I want something completely different and to be completely free of what it wants. Maybe some asexuals are completely free of this thing like I was until I was 15 years old (and I had no desire for it whatsoever, and no instinct on the mechanics of sex or masturbation until that time when I read about it in an encyclopedia, and I have no doubt I would have continued to be free of it if I had not read that out of pure boredom, it was only after I had done it once, just once, that I found I was addicted to it - I would have appreciated a just say no campaign for that in my case, abstinence only education doesn't work for most people but it certainly would have worked for me, if someone had just warned me beforehand of what would happen if I did this thing even just once) and I envy those people, but don't you dare tell me I'm some kind of closeted heterosexual or homosexual because you deny I'm asexual because I don't fit your image of it and that I'm merely "afraid" or "averse" to sex with others. I. DO. NOT. WANT. THIS. THING.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, First of all, I try to respond to everyone who writes me, and do so by treating them with dignity and respect.  You wrote to me in an attacking, insulting and hateful way. Should you choose to write to me again in a hateful, attacking and insulting way, I will not respond and will simply delete your comments and ban you.  Everyone here on DA deserves to be treated with Dignity and Respect, including you and I.  Perhaps internet anonymity has made you grown used not behaving and treating others in a decent way, but kindly do not treat me this way again.

Selective quoting and changing the meaning of what people say is not honest. You kept claiming I said things that I did not say.  You have interpreted what I said in a very distorted way.  I wish you would read my section on Asexuality more careful after reading this comment.

I wrote about Asexuality in three sections:

1) What Asexuality is and is not. For example, if a man decides to become a priest and abstain from sex, he is not asexual.

2) How you can be Asexual and masturbate.  I included this because masturbation is controversial in the Asexual Community, with some claiming you cannot masturbate and be asexual. I refuted this and said: Asexuals feel no desire or need to masturbate, but can enjoy the sensations of doing it, and masturbation can relieve discomfort of your body’s natural sexual reactions. The human body will at times show sexual arousal as part of a normally functioning body in all people. For example, boys and men, including asexual ones, experience erections in their sleep every single night, unless something is medically wrong.  Sometimes sexual arousal can become uncomfortable, and if you can, you masturbate to relieve it.  But this is very different from a Libido generating an imperative urge and desire to masturbate or have sex on a regular basis. Nothing here says you must or must not masturbate if you are Asexual.  Please note that my use of the word can above (in italics) means that some asexuals may feel pleasure, but does not say that all do.

3) This section is labeled: THINGS THAT CAN LOWER OR SUPPRESS LIBIDO, BUT ARE NOT ASEXUAL. This section describes cases where a person might think that they are asexual, but have another issue that is making them think they are asexual, when they are not. For example, if you have unusually low Testosterone, this could result in you having no desire for sex or masturbation, without you being asexual.

Why in the world would you read what I wrote, and conclude it applied to you?  I talked about how SOME people label themselves as Asexual, when there was actually something else going on, like fear or aversion of intimacy, etc. Where does this suggest that you are this way?

You said, “I am first of all, asexual. Though you would refuse to acknowledge me as such.”  How could I refuse to acknowledge you as an asexual, when I know nothing about you?  

You said, “You would claim that I am "afraid or averse to" sexual intimacy with others.”  I never said that at all. Again, I do not know you.  What I was saying is that IF you abstain from sex because you are afraid or adverse to sexual intimacy with others, then you are probably not asexual.  Do ‘you’ personally abstain from sex because you are afraid or adverse to sexual intimacy with others?  If the answer is NO, and the same with the other conditions I mentioned, then you are probably Asexual (you would know best).  But if you answer YES, then it is possible you are not asexual.  I do not speak in absolutes, because there are too many other factors.  These are GUIDELINES only.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What you know about the human body and modern medicine badly needs some correction:

ENDORPHINS:
Human nature naturally pushes people to be self-centered and selfish, to be greedy, jealous, desire power of others, to feel superior to others, etc.  But on the good side, we are also programmed for ‘Human Cooperation.’ As a species, this was key to survival, to forming cooperative groups and tribes, which greatly increased survivability, as well as making us more productive and able to specialize skills.  When you are creative, when you emotionally bond with others (including animals), when you socialize and cooperate with others towards common goals, your brain is genetically programmed to REWARD you, and this is a fundamental survival mechanism for the species.

When sexual nerves in the penis and clitoris are stimulated (including the prostate in males and similar nerve bundle found in women) this also triggers a reward response, designed to do TWO things, to perpetuate the species and to promote long-term bonding.  Did you know that when you engage in sex, your brain produces a hormone called Oxytocin, nicknamed the ‘bonding hormone’ because it promotes long-term bonding (relationships/marriage).  Oxytocin is also found in a mother’s milk, to promote mother-to-child bonding.  The more sex you have with one person, then chemical bonding you have.

The brain rewards you with feeling good, happy, joy, pleasure or a ‘natural high,’ and it does this by increasing the brain’s dopamine level (a neurotransmitter). As the brain’s dopamine level increases, dopamine then attaches to dopamine receptor sites in the brain, which trigger the ‘central nervous system’ and ‘pituitary gland’ to produce Endorphins, which result in what we know of as happiness, joy, a ‘natural high’ and pleasure, depending on how much is produced.

There are 6 different classes of endorphins, and some function to inhibit the transmission of pain signals, while some produce a feeling of euphoria.  Endorphins were originally named as  endogenous (end) and morphine (orphin), meaning a ‘morphine-like substance originating from within the body.’  However, endorphins are not actually opioids like you find in poppies or artificially synthesized in drugs.  They are named as an ‘opioid-like substance’ based only on their resulting euphoria and pain killing properties, not on their chemical structures. Therefore, endorphins are not opioids, but are a ‘opioid-like substance,’ based on their pain stopping and euphoria inducing effects.

ADDICTION VS CHEMICAL DEPENDENCE:
There is no addiction going on with natural sexual drive or other natural causes of endorphins releases.  It is genetic programing to ensure the continuation of the species and long-term bonding.  Drinking alcohol and taking opioid drugs do make you an addict.  You can become addicted to sex, and masturbation just like you can become addicted to gambling and alcohol, but these are an illness and not the normal functioning of a healthy brain.  Addiction happens when your needs are out of balance and you become mentally dependent on something, be it a substance, a habit, gambling, or even a hobby gone compulsive.  If you become overly dependent on a person, it is called Codependency.

Your body can become 'Chemically Dependent' on nose spray, laxatives or thousands of other chemicals, including narcotics for chronic pain, without becoming ‘mentally dependent.’  Addiction therefore comes down to a ‘Mental Dependance’ on something or someone.

ADDICTION TO MASTURBATION
Most people masturbate based on what their body is asking for, OR to relieve discomfort from the body’s natural sexual responses.  If a person is not getting pleasure from other areas of their life, they may masturbate more to get more pleasure in their lives.  Addiction happens when masturbation is happening so much that it is doing bodily damage, and/or interfering with, damaging or preventing relationships and friendships, interfering with work/profession, interfering with other ways of getting pleasure in life, and you cannot control it.  In other words, you are addicted to masturbation when the level of masturbation is such that it interferes with your life, and you cannot control it.  Another way to say it is that you are addicted to masturbation when you no longer control masturbation, masturbation controls you.

You can substitute any substance, person or process into what I wrote above, to describe any addiction.  You can drink alcohol and even do drugs and not be addicted.  It is when something like alcohol controls you and interferes with your life that you have an addiction. You can have a person on high levels of narcotics, continuously, 24/7, and not be addicted.  The person will be 'Chemically Dependent' and experience withdrawal when tapering off of the narcotics, but have no addictive hook.  How is this possible? The answer is that when pain is present, narcotics attach to pain receptor sites in the brain, instead of increasing dopamine.  Only when you get too much narcotics would you get a hook, like having an injury, getting narcotics, and continuing to take the pills even after the pain goes away, and thus getting addicted to the euphoria.

YOU:
You said that Masturbation did not feel good to you at all, so it is hard to imagine how you can become addicted to it.  Every addiction has to have a HOOK, something that makes you want to do it again and again.  With masturbation and sexual addictions, this hook is normally the sexual pleasure your sexual nerves trigger in you.   If you do not have a sexual pleasure hook, then try to figure out what the mechanism is that makes you do it again and again.

If you can identify what the hook is, you can have a better chance of controlling it.  If it is only your body trying to make you do what it is programmed genetically to do, then it is not an addiction, it is something you have to learn to live with.

TESTOSTERONE FLUCTUATIONS
Most men have a testosterone cycle, although this can vary a lot from being barely noticeable to being very noticeable.  A man might have 2 or 3 weeks of more intense sensation and drive, then level out for weeks and have less for some weeks. It is possible you are seeing a rise and fall of testosterone in your body.

I have no idea why you would get acetylcholine fluctuations, as this is not an area I am familiar with, but hopefully you have talked to a neurologist about it, so that you can avoid it in the future, if possible.  I also do not know if there is any relationship between sexual function and acetylcholine.  In a way, all of the neurotransmitters affect each other, so there may be a link.

GENETIC PROGRAMMING & SEXUAL NERVES
Sperm does not last long in the testes.  Old sperm can cause birth defects.  The male body is therefore designed to get rid of old sperm to make room for new sperm.  If you do not masturbate or have sex regularly, your body will purge semen, typically during sleep (nocturnal emissions), along with getting erections during sleep.  

The longer you go without masturbation or sex (stimulation of sexual nerves), the sexual nerves become more and more sensitive, which can result in more unwanted spontaneous erections and even orgasm/ejaculation, just from natural movements during the day.  Regular masturbation can reduce the numbers of spontaneous unwanted erections, but if you don’t like doing that then you just have to live with the body’s natural needs, like a girl has to live with her cycle.

I understand that what your body is doing to you is unwanted, undesirable and downright uncomfortable. All I can say is that I am sorry you are suffering with this. I have had a lifetime of dealing with autism and early onset arthritis, and all I can say is that if your problem cannot be fixed, you have to learn how to live with it and work around it, and not let it hold you back or cause you unhappiness in life.  Life definitely is not fair.

ABSTINENCE
I can tell you that when I have had to abstain for very long, I can get erections so intense that they hurt and are very uncomfortable. Perhaps periodic masturbation, like once every two weeks, might help.

WHEN & WHY WE START MASTURBATING
I did not know what sex was until I was 19 years old (I was raised in the 1950s to 1970s and was also autistic and isolated) and was a virgin until 23.  Yet, I was masturbating from around age 11 to 12.  It was purely mechanical, without fantasy (porn was a very rare thing for a child to see back then).  As an older teen, I sometimes fantasized about kissing another guy, but I did not even think there were other guys like me out there.

Young teens and even a number of pre-teens are drawn to play with themselves due to a pleasurable nerve response they discover through natural touch.  This is how most youth come to masturbate, unless they are exposed to it sooner, by someone showing them, seeing porn, other kids talking about it at at school, etc.

Kids might abstain or be delayed from masturbation if they are asexual, or there is a powerful fear/shame/guilt associated with masturbation, from parents and church.

Please note that when I talk about ‘typical’ and ‘most people’ I am NOT talking about all people.  All things human exist on a spectrum.

WHY I WROTE ABOUT ASEXUALITY & MASTURBATION
I wrote about this because it is the one topic that causes the greatest controversy in Asexual circles.  Some asexuals claim that if you masturbate, you can’t be asexual.  I was actually explaining how and why you can be asexual and also masturbate.  I do not suggest in any way that asexuals should or should not masturbate.

. . . . . .

The sexual response parts of our brain are very much mammalian in genetic code, just so you know.  The Amygdala is the most primitive part of our brain and more associated with a retail response. This is where ‘Fight or Flight’ response comes from, fear responses, reactive responses and other such things.

. . . . . .

This paper on sexuality is limited in length by DeviantArt, and it is as big as it can be.  There is much more that could be said about Asexuality, but since it affects such a small percentage of the population, I gave more space to sexual identities that will apply to most of the young people reading it.  This paper used to have less about asexuality, but due to interest, I deleted other parts of the paper to make room for more about Asexuality. An entire paper could be written about Asexuality, and if I had the time, I would.

I have also found out that no matter what I write about Asexuality, people will object, some obnoxiously.  I made a change to satisfy one person, then got attacked by another for the change.  The reality is that there is NO consensus amongst Asexual-identified community concerning exact definitions.  I therefore reverted to medical definitions.

Since I do not know you, I could hardly say anything about your sexual identity.

Finally, you are reading my paper with a filter in place, due to you already having chip on your shoulder.  You probably skipped over the places where I was talking about certain things being an exception, and saw it only as this what is being said about ALL asexuals and about you.  Read it again carefully to see what it really says.

If you want to talk about anything in private, you may send me a DA Note, which is private and confidential.  If you do reply or send a Note, kindly be civil and respectful.  In this life, you get back what you give. Spew out hate and disrespect and you are likely to get hate and disrespect back.

I am not your enemy.  I have given the last 26 years of my life to full-time volunteer work, helping others. Not everyone is after you or against you.

I hope I have answered your concerns.

Regards,

Matthew

NOTE: Alcohol and some drugs artificially cause dopamine to rise, often dangerously so with overuse, flooding and overwhelming the brain’s dopamine receptors, causing the brain to permanently ‘prune-away’ (kill) some of these dopamine receptors.  Over time, with high usage of alcohol and some drugs, the brain loses more and more dopamine receptors, and this is losing the ability to naturally produce normal levels of endorphins, making the user need more and more alcohol or drugs, just to feel normal.  If they eventually become clean and sober, life can seem very dull, because their own body is no longer able to produce much in the way of endorphins, and they are no longer getting it from drugs or alcohol, and this can result in a higher chance of relapse. Bing drinking and drug taking causes the worse damage to the brain.  Once you start getting a buzz from alcohol, after one or two hard drinks, continual drinking will not make you feel any better.
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:iconnobodyofdistinction:
nobodyofdistinction Featured By Owner 6 days ago  New Deviant
You tell me I wrote to you in a hateful way? Well I say, you did it
first. Expect hateful responses when you put words (or classifications)
in other peoples' mouths, and pen them into your obtuse
categories with lacking consideration to reality.

Let me tell you how you have missed the point. The point is ultimately fairly simple. And everything after this paragraph is just a footnote to it. The point is that there are ultimately only 4 combinations, since there are 2 questions and each one is a yes/no choice, the 2 questions are do you want to have sex with men and do you want to have sex with women. (homo, hetero, bi, a)sexual. And if you tell me that I fail to meet the definition of "a" despite claiming to be because you define it in a completely different way, then you are telling me that I am a closeted member of one of the other 3 sets. That's it. That is what I found offensive. You don't get to sit there and tell me that without me giving you a piece of my mind for it. That's what's called a strawman.

That and how persistently sensitive you were trying to be in all your wording to everyone else but me, but when it came to me, you said nope, you're not what you are, you're a closeted member of the other 3 by default since you fail to meet the criteria of the 4th. I mean, you could, if your definition was reasonable and mine was ridiculous and contradictory, if I said that I wanted to have sex with men or women and dreamed of having sex with men or women and that I frequently had sex with men or women and that I enjoyed it, it would be a silly semantic game if I tried to identify as asexual, it would be like a vegetarian claiming to be a vampire, as ridiculous as those people who call themselves "otherkin" and identify as demons or raindrops, it would be my own delusion to call myself that and it would be a game of calling a rose by another name. But such is not the case with me. In case you didn't figure it out with my prior comment, I'm not a closeted anything, I have no emotional vested interest in lying about it, I am quite open to admitting practically anything that would be considered embarrassing, so long as it is true. And what is true is that I am largely unchanged in certain ways since I was 10, 5, 2 years old, ways that most people change in when they start growing hair in certain places.

If you think that I'm not asexual because I'm not frequently addicted to a cocktail of chemicals produced by my own brain and can't always tolerate the withdrawal symptoms, and you yourself claimed you were "temporarily" asexual because you killed your own sex drive with some external chemical treatment of your own, then you are either saying that's all it takes to change a person's sexual orientation, or you are denying it as valid actual orientation and that asexuality/everything else is fundamentally different between heterosexuality/homosexuality for instance, apples vs oranges. Or do you think gays can stop being gay by taking some chemical to kill their sex drive towards the same gender and induce it for the other, if that's what the definition of orientation is? Now such chemicals could of course be possible, there are possible chemicals that hijack the human mind in many other manners, there could be a real love potion or a potion that makes people afraid of snakes too, but those chemicals certainly are unknown to man, and not for lack of trying, especially when you hear about the "treatments" attempted to "cure" homosexuals. But asexuality/everything else is not about whether libido, as nothing more than a nagging, unpleasant, addictive imperative is there or not, that would be some sort of physiological thing, and it doesn't change the fact that I don't want to have sex with men and I don't want to have sex with women, if you're a straight man, imagine what an ucky notion it is for you have sex with a man, that's how I see it either way. And it doesn't matter if I can't concentrate on anything else until I get some nasty chore over and done with, the best you can do is either change your definition or admit that I'm something that completely falls outside anything you even have a definition for.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Don’t try to excuse your behavior.  We can disagree and be civilized about it.  if you want to be taken seriously by anyone, be civilized, or you will get nowhere with your arguments.

Let us get something straight immediately.  I have NEVER told you that you are Not Asexual.  This is purely a figment of your imagination.  You keep saying it, but it is still a lie every time you say it. I pose possibilities.  Even in a question I proposed to you in my last comment, saying that IF you asked yourself if you were afraid or averse to sexual intimacy with others, and you answered YES, then it is POSSIBLE you are not asexual.  Then I added that I do not speak in absolutes, because there are too many other factors, I offer Guidelines only.

You keep accusing me of saying things that I never said.  When you read what I have written, you have preconceived biases and beliefs (formed before having the evidence for its truth) and you are predisposed to conclude, before even reading what I write that you are being wronged, nobody believes that you are asexual, nobody understands you, you are the victim, asexuals are discriminated against, etc.  Then you twist and distort what you read and interpret it to meet these preconceived biases and beliefs and predisposition.

Your interpretation of what I said about the chemical processes of our brains, with dopamine and endorphins, is bizarre and downright crazy. Your ideas of being addicted to the chemicals in your brain is a fantasy and also crazy.  there is absolutely no basis in fact or science to support what you say.  Then you launch into something about curing gays or not.

NEVER have I ever said or suggested that an Asexual person could be treated or fixed. To say I did is a lie.  People are either BORN Asexual, or develop that way for genetic reasons, OR it is due to permanent injury of the brain or body, NOT anything that would be or could be fixed.

The only instances I talk about TREATING some people who THINK they are Asexual, is when the lack of sex drive is due to ‘psychological issues’ or ‘low Testosterone,’ or cases of temporary low libido due to certain drugs being taken (that have a side effect of suppressing libido), or due to things like stress, etc.

I was born with a certain Libido, as are all people.  This is what the spectrums are about.  We are all BORN with a certain GENDER (including Transgender etc), SEXUAL ORIENTATION, LIBIDO, and MASCULINITY/FEMININITY.  

Note that Environmental Influences might effect many of the things we are born with. A person may ACQUIRE further masculinity or femininity during their lifetimes, or train out some traits.  I was trained to be hyper-masculine, past my natural masculinity level, which I was later able to shed.  Many Gay men acquire ‘Gay Mannerisms’ which are like an accent, and seen by others as a bit effeminate, although it is actually different. This can be very subtle or very exaggerated.

Even if you are born Gay, pressures of society forces many people in the world to marry a person of a gender they are not attracted to, simply to survive.

Libido can be affected by psychological factors and pharmaceuticals, injuries, etc.  Some island societies automatically raise a son as a third gender, regardless of how they were born. Injury to brain or body might also cause Asexuality sometime in a life, and if this is a permanent effect, they have become Asexual.  An INHIBITED SEXUAL MATURITY might be treatable in some cases, but this is typically genetically induced, making it inborn and probably permanent, so a person can be Asexual for this reason.  None of this is rocket science.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Are you refuting that an ASEXUAL person can have romantic attractions to others?  Because if so, you are absolutely WRONG.  Asexual people can be physically and romantically attracted to others based on gender.  The only difference is in having NO DESIRE FOR SEX OR MASTURBATION.

Asexual people can have romantic relationships that are celibate (no sex), and even get married or have long-term committed relationships. Asexual people do have a Sexual Orientation, regardless of if they feel anything or not.

Asexual people may feel attractions to others, from almost nothing to a great deal.  If ‘you personally’ do not feel attraction to others, either romantically or physically, this does not mean that many other Asexual people can’t feel those things, because many do feel physical and/or romantic attractions.  These feeling have NOTHING to do with Asexuality.  Asexuality is the permanent lack of desire for sex or masturbation, either inborn or induced by permanent injury to brain or body.  Note than I am NOT saying anything about if you are asexual or not.

. . . . . . . . . . .

You are completely WRONG about my Questions being about Yes or NO choices.  My Section of Questions is titled: My Questions To Help You Determine Your Sexuality.  These questions are designed to HELP guide young people to figure out their feelings and attractions.  I stressed earlier in the paper how everyone is a blend of sexual spectrums, and can be ‘anywhere’ on those spectrums.  As I said at the beginning of my paper, many young people have little to no doubt about their Sexual Identity.  My paper is designed to help those who are confused and unsure about their Sexual Identity.

For example, a person can be any mix of what we think of as Heterosexual and Homosexual, a near infinite number of possible blends.  The same is true of LIBIDO.  A person can be primarily Gay and Secondarily Straight, and have a very small or no libido, or have a massive libido, or average, or anything in-between.

I had a very young girl ask me if she was Asexual, but she was pre-pubertal and therefore still too young to feel any strong romantic attractions to anyone.  In contrast, Transgender youth can feel the differences by age 4 to 5. There is a lot of angst and suffering by many young people who are confused about their Sexual Identity.  So I even mentioned about giving yourself time to figure out your Sexual Identity.

Sexual Identity is extremely complex, and there is NO easy way to describe it, and NO way to create a check-off list for Sexual Identity. My approach is one of education about sexuality, to help young people figure out their Sexual identity, ON THIER OWN.

You can go through everything I wrote and decide that you are Asexual, based on what I wrote.  You seem insulted by the suggestion that Asexual people might have romantic or even physical attractions to people based on gender.  Just because you do not does not mean that all Asexual people have to be like you.  You personally might not feel any attractions at all, and and some Asexual people are like that, but certainly not all or most.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

SPECTRUMS ARE NOT ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’:

The word SPECTRUM is NOT about a ‘Yes’ or ’No’ choice at all.  A Spectrum is a gamut (a complete range between to points), an analog of INFINITE possibilities between two points.

SPECTRUM EXAMPLES:

• The Spectrum for Sexual Libido has Asexuality at one end (starting with zero libido), and Hyper Sexuality at the other end of the spectrum (of extreme sexual drive) and every possible amount of libido in-between.

• The Spectrum for Gender has 100% Female at one end, third Genders, Transgender, 100% Male at the other end, and every possible gender-blend in-between.

• The Spectrum for Sexual Orientation has 100% Heterosexuality at one end (fairly rare), 100% Homosexuality at the other end (also fairly rare), Bisexuality in the middle, and every possible blend in-between.

• The Spectrum for Masculinity & Femininity has 100% Masculinity at one end, 100% Femininity at the other end, and every possible blend in-between.

There are numerous cases of Straight males being effeminate to varying degrees, Straight females who are masculine to varying degrees, Gay Males who are very masculine and Lesbians who are very feminine.  Every bless is possible.

All Humans, as far as Human Sexuality goes, including you, exist on 4 Spectrums:

• Gender

• Sexual Orientation

• Libido (sexual Drive)

• Masculinity / Femininity


YOU can be anywhere on all or the spectrums, and almost INFINITE number of possible blends:

1) You identified yourself as Male.

2) I don’t recall you saying if you feel a Sexual Orientation.  Sexual Orientation is actually NOT directly about sexual attraction, although most people seem think of it that way.  It is really more of a romantic attraction, or for some, a gender attraction, to oversimplify it.  Therefore, Asexual people can be anywhere on the sexual orientation spectrum, and either notice it or not notice it.

3) You say you have zero sexual libido, therefore you must be Asexual [assuming your sexual libido is not being suppressed by other factors (medical or psychological)].

4) You have not said where you on the Masculinity/Femininity spectrum.  This is independent of Gender.

EXAMPLES:
A person can be male, straight, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be male, Gay, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be male, Bisexual, asexual, and masculine or effeminate.
A person can be Transgender F-M, Bisexual, asexual, and masculine.
AND EVERY OTHER POSSIBLE BLEND.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

INCOMPLETE SEXUAL MATURITY, ANDROGYNOUS, HERMAPHRODITES, AMBIGUOUS GENITALIA, NO GENITALIA:

People can be born both male and female (Hermaphrodites or Intersex), or Androgynous, or born with Ambiguous Genitalia, or born with No Genitalia at all.

A Person can have INCOMPLETE SEXUAL MATURITY.

Yet they all have places on the 4 Spectrums of Human Sexuality.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

CONCLUSION:

I see no point in continuing a conversation with someone who deliberately distorts what you say to suit their own agenda.  There is nothing I could ever say to satisfy your victimization of yourself, your rage, the chip on your shoulder, your preconceived biases and beliefs (formed before having the evidence for its truth) and how you are predisposed to conclusions, before even reading what I have written.

There is no way to hold a reality-based conversation with you. So I am ending it here.

I offered to work with you by Note, but that seems very unlikely to happen.  There are those who choose to believe in Fantasy-Science, and there is no way to hold logical conversation with such people, as they are anchored in fantasy, and not reality.

I wish you the best,

Matthew
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:iconvilshanka:
Vilshanka Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
There are many holes in this explenation.

I recommend for everyone to take this with a grain of salt.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
What holes do you see?  Human Sexuality is very complex and I can only fit so much in the space allowed for a text Deviation on DA.

When offering a critique on DA, it is customary to offer specific critique, not offer subjective opinions.  This way, if you believe something is incorrect, and offer supporting information, I can check it and then correct the deviation if that is called for.  I have worked hard to provide accurate information.

I am hoping this is not a typical homophobic or radical Christian attack.
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:iconvilshanka:
Vilshanka Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist

Well, judging by the text above and your replies to other comments, I feel as if you've stated the entire thing based on your own personal logistics and opinions.

You describing homosexuality was spot on (perhaps because you are within the community), but your description oh bisexuality was, to say the least, kind of ridiculous. For starters, I'd like to inform you that the definition of bisexuality was changed from ''being attracted to two genders'' to ''being attracted to two or more genders''. 

Secondly, can you please stop saying that the majority of people on Earth are bi? Considering the bisexual people are discriminated against not only by the public but also within the community, it's generalizing our issues. Also there is a large spectrum of sexuality that doesn't just start with hetero and ends with homo, how about doing further research and explaining each known sexuality. Too much to handle? Then don't even start a journal explaining sexuality. 

Thirdly, stoooooop smashing together sexual and romantic orientation. No one cares about your personal opinion, the LGBT community separates these two for a good reason; some people can be polyromantic as well as asexual, why would you erase a part of a person just because you don't like people using more than one label for themselves. Let people do what they want, some prefer labels for reasons justifiable to them, so how about you introducing to your watchers the agreed terms by the LGBT community (and then expressing your personal opinion, if it's so damn important for you to give one).

Fourthly, oh my goooood, asexuality is a sexual orientation??????????????????? Stop sexualizing it????????????????? Asexual people can still enjoy sex, can still have a libido, can still want to have kids, can still do everything else concerning libido and sexual drive, the only difference is literally ''not sexually attracted to anyone''!!!!

Please stop building entire journals explaining sexuality on your personal opinion, please realize that gay men have it the easiest within the LGBT community, give agreed upon and official definitions, yes many people don't fit into given labels but that's why the community is still expanding and evolving, again stop stating your personal opinions because they are mildly ignorant and not professional enough to be taken seriously by young people still figuring themselves out (seriously, do you even realize how much damage you can do with that??? please I beg of you, give the official definitions and then your personal one, god).
Also what's with the ''women think they have it so bad, well men do to!!!!!!'' way of thinking?

Well, if you bothered to click my profile you would find I'm idemromantic bisexual, and if you don't want to receive negative criticism, don't upload anything ever again.

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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I see that your language is hostile in tone and lacks respect for another human being and shows a lot of arrogance on your part.  Normally this would mean that I do not respond to you, but I like to at least give discussion a chance.  However, if your language is hostile again, you will get no reply and I will hide your comment.  I am very willing to discuss issues with people, but not in a hostile and disrespectful environment, as that does not deserve respect in turn.

Some of your views are held by some in the Sexual Minority Community, but not by any means the greater majority.  Here are the responses to your points.

1) I can accede to changing Bisexuality to “being attracted to two or more genders,” within my current definitions.  Up to now, I believe most people in the Sexual Minority Community applied common sense to the official definition of Bisexuality, when applied to Third Gender and alternative genders situations.  But we do need to stay politically correct, when possible. The dictionary still defines Bisexuality as, “Sexually attracted to both men and women,” which is extremely generalized.

2) What I said was, “Technically, the vast majority of all human beings are attracted to both genders, but just not enough to ever notice. If you are 80% Straight and 20% homosexual, you would probably never notice an attraction to someone of the same gender.”  IF Bisexuality is defined as, “Any attraction to more than one gender,” then the vast majority of human beings fall into the category of Bisexuality.  If you had kept reading, I made the case that this is NOT the definition of Bisexuality that I use.  In REALTY, most people do not notice this attraction second attraction, because it is too low, or they do not recognize it for what it is.  I want into it in more detail in the deviation.

When speaking strictly of just the Sexual Orientation Spectrum, there is in fact no fixed or set boundaries between 100% Heterosexual and 100% Homosexual.  This is because there is currently no way to know or measure what a person’s Sexual Orientation is, because this is a personal journey of self-discover for most.  We place artificial lines on a graph and say that is Heterosexual, that is Bisexual and that is Homosexual, plus the sub-categories.

The purpose of labels like Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Transgender, etc, is to help people label and identify their Orientation in an abbreviated way. If you are 56% Straight and 44% Homosexual, are you Bisexual?  Nobody can say, because it varies from person-to-person.

The bigotry against Bisexuality, both outside and within the Sexual Minority Community, as some common roots.  Within the community, bigotry agains bisexuals is ignorance-based.  Without being educated not he matter, some people say, “Bisexuals are just people two cowardly to call themselves homosexual.”  This is obviously ridiculous, but the solution is better community education.

Another problem is in how very common Bisexuality is used as a transitionary phase in youth.  For some, this is intensional, as a way to ease Coming-Out, while for many others, there is genuine confusion and it might take them years to figure out their Identity.  The end result is that some younger Gays and Lesbians see bisexuality as a wishy-washy temporary state.

3)  When it comes to how people choose to labels themselves, even using esoteric labels few in the world would ever know, it is obviously their prerogative, as it is for all of us.  I believe that my views are compatible with things like ‘polyromantic,’ but you obviously read my deviation with pre-convened bias and a closed mind.

It is true that some people try to separate Sexuality (NOT Sex) and Romantic Love, which leads to a Sexuality/Love Disassociation, which in turn leads to serious intimacy issues (psychological disorder), which is a discussion for another time.  I suspect that you playing with the definition of what romantic love is verses friendship love, which are actually very similar and can be just as intense.

All I can say now is that I think you misunderstand what I was talking about.

4)  No matter how many times you scream it or people post about it, Asexuality is NOT an Orientation and never has been.  Asexual people have Sexual Orientations.  You can be be Straight, Gay, Bi, etc, and be Asexual.  Asexuality only means that you lack the drive and desire to be sexual. If you have a drive to be sexual, then you are not Asexual. Why in the world is it so important to for you to associate Asexuality with being an Orientation.  It is meaningless.  It does not lesses, diminish or demean what Asexuality is.

Of Course Asexual People Can Enjoy Sex.  Asexuality is a lack of LIBIDO, sex drive.  
They do not feel the NEED or DRIVE or DESIRE to be sexual, but if they choose to engage in sex, they can certain enjoy it.  The same is true of masturbation.  It is YOU sexualizing Asexuality, not me.

Yet again, if people choose to call themselves asexual, when they re not, and it makes them happy, I certainly have no problems with it.  They can do what they want, as can you.

5) You asked me, “What's with the ''women think they have it so bad, well men do to!!!!!!'' way of thinking?”  I have no idea what you are talking about.  Why, do you believe women have it worse in your country? I can say that men and women each face challenges of their gender, both biological and sociological, and the hope is that the sociological challenges are starting to slowly decrease over time.  This includes expected roles, expected behaviors, social rules and emotions, based on gender.

As for opinions, I state that something is in my opinion, letting the reader know that it is opinion and fact.

I should also point out that much of what you say is opinion and personal interpretation, not fact.

I have spent 25 years counseling in the Sexual Minority Community, and at age 34, gave my life to helping our community, in caring for the dying, feeding the hungry and giving free counseling.  I have a very high exposure rate to the wide population base of the Sexual Minority Community, including Sexual Minority Youth.

I wrote a number of deviations on my page to help Sexual Minority Youth.  You seem to be certain of your sexual identity, but far more face confusion.  Adding 50 more labels will not help anyone.  

Labels Objectify people, yet humans want to label themselves so that they can feel a sense of identity.  But we do not need these labels at all to know who we are.  Fat too much emphasis is put on the labels.  I am heck of a lot more than just a gay male.  We seems to need at least minimal labels, but I suggest not letting the labels identify who you are.

As I said, if you want any more discussion, kindly be less hostile, insulting and disrespectful. Maybe this is how you are used to treating your fellow human beings, but I choose not to participate in your anonymous hostility.
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:iconclanmalkovian:
ClanMalkovian Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Bisexual. I mean really Bisexual and Kinky. 
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:iconjimmyastroid:
JimmyAstroid Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2015
Same, I'm Bi.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hey, I'm very happy for you—ENJOY!  I see we both have birthdays in August.  I think I was born of a Friday the 13th, what with all the bad luck…

Kink is very relative, LOL.  One person's kink might be normal and mundane to another, super hot to another, disgusting to another.  KINK basically means: Unconventional sexual concepts or practices.  A girl might think any position other than missionary is kinky, but the vast majority of sexual positions is not really Kinky. Being in a Bisexual three-way sandwich would be more normal than kink. Having a woman use a strap-on to do you would be safely kinky (a fair number of straight couples do this); liking to be dominated by a dominatrix would be kinky, especially in stiletto pumps, or you being the dominatrix in pumps; liking to be tied up, or to tie someone up, spank or be spanked, golden showers, double-penetration, mixing food and sex, etc, are all things safely in the Kink category.  Dressing in female underthings and clothes for sexual pleasure would come under the transvestite heading, not to be confused with liking to go in Drag or doing female impersonation. 

So many ways to have fun…  I am relatively tame, but passionate, versatile and have always been open to experimentation.  I think that having an open mind with all things, including sexuality, puts you in the world of all possibilities. I have been with my husband for 25 years this month.  Does that blow your mind?  It does mine, good grief that is a very long time…

All the best…
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:iconjohnchadjohn:
johnchadjohn Featured By Owner May 27, 2015  New Deviant
I'm a Pansexual, Gray A, cisgender male who is 15 years old (16 June 7th 2015) and currently my only fantasy is finding someone to love and be loved by, who will cuddle me and hold me as well as let me protect them from harm. I realize that isn't much but It's what I want. That is all that I want from life yet I feel undeserving of the slightest happiness because I suffer from depression, anxiety, and memory issues, etc. The depression is the reason for feeling undeserving but the other things may be a factor.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner May 29, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi John,

Sorry this is late.  I thought for sure I sent you a reply, and I even had a copy of what I sent.  So, if you never got a reply from me, he it is:

 Hi John,

Wow, that’s a lot of labels you have.  Something I can tell you is that your identity is likely to be fluid for more years, as your brain continues to develop and hormone balances resolve.  For some of us, even Gay one, our sexuality and gender identities were fairly clear even as young as age 11, but for many others, their identities are confused, something onto their early to mid twenties.

The reason for this has to de with where you are on the spectrums of Gender, Orientation, Masculinity/Femininity and Libido.  If you are not at the far end of either end of the spectrums, there will be confusion for awhile.

This confusion can cause depression or add to it.  Just realizing that you are not like most others, at a young age, can set you up for depression.

MEMORY:  When you are under high stress (infusing from Anxiety and Depression), your body produces a Stress hormone called Cortisol.  Cortisol is bad for your body, and even worse for your memory. It is your Hippocampus in your brain that controls memory, and cortisol suppresses it, messing up your memory.  Therefore, it is very important that you get help for your depression and anxiety.

The way you describe yourself and what you want in life is about the way I was and what I wanted.  I grew up with depression and had it for over 34 years, until I almost died from a suicide attempt, and finally got some help.  I also did not think I undeserving and even had trouble buying clothing for myself.  

I would look in the mirror and see UGLY, even though others at school, and the girls that stalked me, said I was good looking.  But I saw ugly because I pretty much hated myself.  Once I got over depression, I could look in the mirror and like what I saw and feel good about myself.  I found happiness and I found a guy to share my life with these last 25 years.  Hey, your birthday is close to 25th Anniversary with my partner Greg.

I feel it is very important that you get a good therapist, one who is very pro-active with Cognitive and Behavioral therapy.  Too many therapists just let you talk for 45 minutes each time, and this does not help you get better. A good therapist helps you change the patterns of your thinking from negative to positive, and to change your behaviors form negative to positive.

Therapy is useless if you are not committed to it and committed to get better.  Depression does not want you to get better, it does not want you to get therapy, and you will keep thinking of reasons why not to do it. Please remember that what depression and anxiety does is change the chemical balances in your brain.  This twists and distorts your thinking and behavior in irrational and illogical ways.  Depressed-John is NOT the real John, it is like you are a different person.  Everything you see and hear passes through a depression filter. You might think things like nobody loves you, when that is not actually true.

Antidepressant Drugs are NOT the answer to your depression.  In fact, they flatten your mood, so you don’t feel really bad, but you also never feel very good.  Therapy is the way to permanently overcome depression.

I am also Autistic, which kept me isolating myself, unable to socialize well, so I also had to overcome that.  After trying to kill myself at age 34, I went onto counseling and decided to give it everything I had. In 3 months, I was over the worse of it, and in 6 months I was having a lot of up periods, had made new freinds and was starting to enjoy life more. By 9 months are was a different person and I was having a blast.  I continued with therapy for a few more years, because after 34 years of depression, negative thinking is set pretty hard int he brain, and I did not want to relapse.

I forced myself to do new behaviors, like forcing myself out of the house and out to a gay dance place (ballroom dancing in this case).  I made myself a promise and a quota to introduce myself to at least one stranger a night, then eventually 2.  I actually rehearsed how to do it [Hi, I’m Matthew, how you tonight? (holding out my hand)].  It was a bit terrifying.  Once introduced, then what do I say?  I decided that since I have no idea how to play the usual social games, or follow social rules I don’t get, I’ll just be completely open and honest.  I have to say that people were completely kind and receptive.  It got easier and easier to do.

With my autism, dancing was supposed to be impossible, but I wanted to be able to hold people in my arms and dance, because everyone doing was having so much fun.  Most people took lessons for a month or two, but I was not improving at all.  I just keep pushing myself and practicing at home, and then about 3 moths later, I suddenly started improving rapidly.  I did so well that I decided to start learning how to both lead and follow in the various dances.

It turns out that if you push your brain hard enough and long enough to learn something, your brain has the ability to form new neural pathways, even around autistic damaged areas.  It is called NEUROPLASTICITY.

Anyway, my point to you is that you can accomplish just about anything if you push yourself hard enough to do it and stick with it.

Another thing worth mentioning is that when I was really depressed after my partner (6 years) left me for another guy, while I was still on a ship at sea, I was trying to find someone to date, but no one seemed interested.  After I got over my depression, I was being asked out on dates an average of a few tomes a week, and you don’t want to know how many propositioned me for sex. But I am only ever sexual with someone I have feelings for.

As you are now, I suspect you would be Codependent in a relationship.  This is where you need another person to be happy, to fulfill you.  Ideally, you do NOT NEED anyone, but you DESIRE someone. I needed someone to take care of and someone to fill the emptiness and loneliness.  I had to learn how to love myself and learn how to have a FULL life and be happy on my own, by myself.  This way, I was a ‘Complete Man’ when I met Greg, and we were able to have a healthy relationship.

There is no reason why you cannot become a happy and content young man.  Please talk to your parents about seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Counselor.  If you are already seeing one, are you being given regal homework for changing your thinking patters, or do you just go and talk about your week?  Also is best to try to go 2 to 3 times per week at first, to kick-start things. I would avoid antidepressant drugs.

I wish you the very best and hope you feel better soon.  If you want to talk about anything private, you can send me a Note.

All the best,

Matthew
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:iconjohnchadjohn:
johnchadjohn Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2015  New Deviant
Hi Matthew,
Thanks for this. You're really nice and I hope your anniversary is the best you guys have ever had. I will get help for myself eventually, the reason that I am not going to now is my mom doesn't seem to care about or take mental Illnesses seriously. I know that I will get myself help once I can move out and live my life the way I need to. (Just to sway any questions about this my dad killed himself when I was 8) Anyway I'm moving from America to England with my sister once we save up enough for plane tickets and also enough to live there while we look for jobs. Also I'm not out to many people but I've finally accepted myself for who I am after nearly 5 years. While I'm on that topic. The labels that I used are just that, labels I am not even fully sure of all of them because I've been single for so long. In addition to that I know that my body is going through changes and that in a few years I could find out that rather than being pansexual I'm actually gay or straight or something else, I could even find that I'm not a cisgender male but rather transgender female. Most anything can happen, and now I learned how to finally accept myself for all that I am. This is regardless of what anyone else thinks. Anyway thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful response, and once again I hope your anniversary is amazing.
(My name in real life is Chase)
Goodbye. ~ Chase
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Chase,  

Thank you for your kind words and anniversary wishes.  Someday you will also know what it feels like to share you life with someone you love, for a very long time.

You sound very mature and obviously have a good understanding of human sexuality.  What I especially like seeing is how very open you are to letting yourself develop as you will, and be accepting of yourself, no matter what.

Anytime you have any questions or feel a need to talk, please feel free to send me a DeviantArt Note, which is private and confidential.  I am a Volunteer Peer Counselor and have been helping those in the Sexual Minority Community for over 20 years now.  I can also communicate via email if that works better for you.  I thought to offer this since you are unable to get counseling locally.  Just remember that you never need feel alone, because there are always people who do care about you, even complete strangers.  In the Gay Community of old, we used to refer to each other as 'Family,' and it really felt that way.

If this is the last time we talk, I wish you the very best that life and love can offer you,
 
Matthew
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, I never loved anyone or so think I, and I don't have any sexual fantasy really.... According to what you said I wouldn't be able to know my sexual identity..?


I feel I am absolutely no complete hetero, and I woudn't like my first relationship to be a woman. I feel I'm mostly bisexual but I prefer males... pff fucking life...


And the only person I really had a crush on is a model I never knew. I suffered a lot and I still do since he became a biological she.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
It can take much longer for some people to discover their gender and sexual identity. For some women it can take into their early 20s to figure out. Girl's sexual identity does not typically fully correlate to her sexual arousal , like it does for boys. Romantic attraction is a better indicator in girls, and because this can develop later in both girls and boys, it can take longer for some girls to figure out who they are really sexually and romantically attracted to.  With boys, their sexual identity usually matches their sexual arousal, but sometimes they can't tell until their puberty settles down, if they are not solidly heater or homo.

It was very clear for me because I was attracted to boys before puberty, and when puberty started I was following around cute boys.  I did not find out what sex was until I was 19.  It was another time in history, no sex education, no internet, and I was autistic, very innocent and naive, and isolated.  Yet, I confessed to my Aunt, "I like boys the way I'm supposed to like girls" on my 13th birthday. I fell in love with Anton at age 12, long before I knew anything of sex.  I was completely drawn to boys and had zero attraction to girls, and even though they would be pretty, I would not gaze at them and keep sneaking looks at them, or dream about them or fantasize. I could not have sexual fantasy because I knew nothing sexual, but I could fantasize of holding hands, hugging and kissing. 

I had a woman tell me she did not notice any attractions to boys or girls and had no romantic thought until mostly through college.  She said she was so focused on school and career in science she had to time for thinking about boys or girls that way, but it really sounds like she was simply a late bloomer in the world of romance and attraction. Because once she noticed, it was suddenly a big deal.

I have also had virgin girls and boys tell me they prefer one gender sexually and the other gender romantically, but this shows confusion from not being able sort-out and interpret the various feelings.  With tome and experience it sorts itself out.

So, give yourself more time.  You brain does not even finish developing until about age 25.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm in my 20's almost. 

One thing I can't stand in life is not being able to assume which human being I'm attracted to. I can stand mediocrity, I can stand evil, I can stand violence, I can stand racism...
I can't stand only one thing: Not to be able to portray beauty. Life has no sense if it's like that. I want to believe there's no alchemistry of my attraction. I want ti feel I can see beauty and apreciate it even when I won't be appreciated myself. I don't really need other's appreciation 8I do but I can learn not to need it), but I need something out there to life for. Just  a single reason string enough. I don't need to be loved, I don't even need sex at all, I just need hope. If I have no hope then I have no readon to life at all. Then how does it matter if I die and disappear or I die and became an spiritual force? I just need to see sonething to fight for in this battlefield. If I know something like that and I can protray it in my mind and partialy see it in others, then I have some hope.
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Ive cared about so many men and women, It only helped them cut relation out better.

I've cared of men, of women and I've tried to be true to them. 
I never felt what people calls love but my crush made my life have sense, which is somewhat love someway. I feel sexual attraction for male and females.



There's just no way to show anything of it to anyone. There's just no time to get close to a single being, they get angry/bored of me and cut out before. And wehn I have time to care and be myself, it just ends worse.




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I don't want more time I just want hope. A reason to live.

I'm more mature than many adults. I have to thank this to my french education and spetialy to my father who built on me a critical spirit.




Id'n't wanna fantasize, I don't need it. I just can't support anyhting more to be confused. I was confused all my life until now. I just need to know I like and I'm able to appreciate beauty. I know it has no sense as I say it but I can't experience any strong feeling for anyone with virtualy no friends or rather anyone but my family around. And I got enough "duty", I just wanna get rid of them.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Love is not automatic.  I never knew love as a boy.  When my first boyfriend asked me if I loved him, I said, "I'm sure what love looks like, can you tell me?" he was hurt, but I was honest.  I struggled to understand this thing called love and I asked many people what it was and how you knew, and peopled, "You just know when it is love," but I did not know.  I went to the library to study books about love, and I still did not know it.  I lookout at what is common between every form of love I have heard of, and what I found in common was shared intimacy and connection.  I thought about how I felt living with Don and doing things with him, and if my life felt better with him than without him, and how life felt worth living when i was with him, so I decided I still did not know for sure, but it was close enough for me.  Once I committed myself to him, my heart and mind, I found love and what it meant with him as time passed.  When i lost that love, betrayed, I forgave, let go and recognized love the second time around.  The love was betrayed too, but I never have regretted the wonderful years I did have with them.  I would not let my hear be poisoned,but I also lost my freinds when i told them I was Gay, and ended up trying to kill myself.

I opened my heart again, and found the man I have been with for 25 years, and know, without doubt, I will die with him at my side, not abandoning me.  Each time I lost love, I found a great love, I appreciated the love more, and I learned more about how to nurture it better.

When you are depressed and without hope, it is very hard for your heart to open for love.  Love itself is a form of hope, something you believe in and risk everything for.

Care and affect are things of love, but incomplete.

Let me tell you about why you can live.  I tired to de at age 13 by jumping off a highway overpass, in from of a truck, but just as i went over, a man grabbed my feet. I was angry, i wanted to die, but I lived.  I wanted to die at age 18, with a flare gun, but two days before I would gain access to the gun, the men of my division, in the Academy, started talking with me.  i was shocked.  Boys had always rejected me and build me, and these guys seemed to like me.  My life shifted, and they become my new family, and rough and as cruel as they could be at times/, they accepted me.

When I was 24, I could no longer stand living a lie, alone, no one to talk to, and I had the barrel of my brother's gun in my mouth.  I decided that honor demanded that I at least try to come-out to my very Catholic family, and i wrote a quick letter to my younger sister, telling her I was gay.  She did not know that if she rejected me, I planned on killing me, but she phoned me to say she loved me no matter what.  Alas, My mother said she would rather me be dead, but I did not give up on her and i refused to compromise or play games of me being straight in her presence. She came to fully accept me and she insisted my next partner caller Mother and told him he was her son too.  My father and twin brothers very much surprised me with their acceptance, because I expected the very, very worse.

At age 34, i came very close to dying, and only a fluke accident saved my life.  I finally got some help for codependency (needing to take care of men), depression and low self worth.  I knew I had to overcome my autism and depression, or die.  I had to push myself past terror to meet new strangers each night, introduce myself and try to socialize with them. My autism was supposed to make dancing impossible for me to do, but I just kept trying, for years, and become good enough to teach dance.  I built a new life around new freinds, dancing and my volunteer work.


If I had died at age 13 or 18, I never would have made so many good freinds, experienced adventures around the world, accomplished big things, and 10 great years of love with my first two partners.  Try to go to sea for 2 to 4 months, them come home the same amount of time, again and again, and see how long a relationship lasts, especially with horny men who apparently cannot wait for 2 months for sex.  Hey, just in case you did not realize it, we love out men, but men can be real PIGS, lol.

If I had died at age 34, I never would have experience the period of my greatest happiness and joy, nor would I have met my husband of 25 years.

DEATH IS THE END.  There is nothing else, no heaven, no hell, just the end.  Death is the END of ALL POSSIBILITIES. It means no more chances to expense great love, new adventures, or new freinds.

Look, i was like you.  I saw zero hope of ever being happy.  i felt utter despair enough to keep trying to die.  But look how wrong I was.  I am very thankful that I failed to die, despite how hard I kept trying.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
It hurts when u talk about diying. I don't want u to die... 


I couldn't stand a family like urs. I can't stand my own and they're openminded.


u were like me, but more tortured than I'm. I still don't want to wait 30 years to live my life.
In my deep heart I dn't believe in absolute materialism, I think there's something above us and before. 
In my deep heart I believe in my teens metaphysics. 
But in my own opinion, what's before and after us isn't anything similar to our reality. It's not a material lace with demons. I'm not yuppily spiritualist.
I think something more hermetic and unimaginable lies at the thickness of a shadow, just as Prattchet said.
I'm ashamed of thinking so...
But I believe that's where i'd go if I die. 



It isn't smething recomforting, heavenly, nice to know. But it's something I can acceptate.



After dying, I'll "go" where things scream out of time and space,  as Lovecraft said.

I'm sorry I randomly told that to u but I completely trust u, and I appreciate u. And I want to tell u what I think no mater what it's on.





 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I would like to live longer and maybe i will.  I cannot know the future, so why should I worry about it?  I therefore live each day, trying to get the very most out of each day. I am relatively happy and content.  Yes, life could sure be a lot better and I could be happier, but this is the hand of cards I have been dealt, so now it is up to me to make the most of those cards.

You have the opportunity to live an amazing life that I could not. Why throw it away?  Want to trade bodies? Wow, I would have an amazing life. Why not take the opportunities I did not? 

You look backwards and think your life is not so good, then you look forward and think it will be the same.  It is only the same if you let it. 

I am happy for those who take comfort in their beliefs about what happens after death.  Your version is just as good as others.   I have no such comfort and I am fine with that.  When it come to spirituality about what happens after death and before birth, nobody knows, just as nobody knows if there is a god—it cannot be proven or disproven.  When people say their believe they know what will happen after death, it is usually something to make them feel better about dying, to give them something to look forward, especially if they are suffering.

When I die, I might be pleasantly surprised. I am open minded to ALL POSSIBILITIES, but believe in none of them…lol.

No need to apologize, express yourself with pride. I am listening.
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:iconrockdwarf:
Rockdwarf Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't want to talk about death. It's only nice in fiction.


I don't say to myself I believe on it. It's just behind trying to get out

And evidently I  prefer to feel it won't be the end. I can't stand to ver die and it to be the end. It drives me deadly mad, ultra crazy. It's too much uncomfrotable.


I don't take comfort in after-life. Am not spiritual not religious too. I just think than if I can believe in realist supernaturalthings in my fiction I can do it in reality cuz nothing says it's impossible.



I would feel more intimacy with you if I could share my creation with you too. It's the only thing making me push forawrd, so I would like to share it with you too.



I'm not throwing anything away. I just need to rest. I need to relax, I can't properly act this way. I need to feel better first to do what matters.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I am not sure what you mean by sharing your creation with me.  Since we are already talking by Note, why don't you include this in your next Note to me.
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(1 Reply)
:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Edited Jan 9, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
This is the Bible
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I'm a woman and I've been confused lately about my sexuality. It never troubled me before, I always was like assuming things, I thought I was bisexual for a while, but I've never felt aroused by a man's kiss and I'm virgin and I've never been with a woman (kissing, sleeping). Ive never been in love, and even when I've liked men, the idea of getting into a relationship with one doesn't motivate me. I feel more emotionally attached to women, it always has been like it, and when I got to the part where appears the question about "who would you prefer to wake up with beside you?" or something like that, and I inmediately thought "A woman. Women are so soft and warm..." but I don't think that makes this clearer either. It''s so hard.I wish it was less complicated. May be I am the complicated one.
Sometimes I think it's a thing of roles. I don't like the passive role that society often applies to women, I don't feel myself in it, so I feel like... if I was a man and gay, this would be less difficult. I'd like to share a relationship of equality with a person and I don't get it with a man if I am a woman. And wouldn't like to be with a woman like that if I was a man, but it wouldn't be equality either, not in this system, not in this society and that frustrates me.
Sorry my grammar, I'm latinamerican.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi, you are very welcome.

I am impressed with your drawings and I will try to find some time to comment  on it soon, but no guarantees.  I am a bit swamped with work right now.

For those of us who are very homosexual or very heterosexual there is no confusion, but for everyone else, there can be some confusion or a great deal of confusion.  Remember that you are a blend, a mix of heterosexual and homosexual.  The question is which one you lean the most towards, women or men? In my experience, women appreciate the companionship far more than sex in a relationship.

I know a woman who is equally attracted to men and women sexually, but she never fell in love with the men she dated and something seemed to be missing.  When she dated a woman, it felt right, comfortable. This happened two more times and she concluded that in reality, when is really a lesbian.  She is married to a woman now, for some 15 years.  I have been with Greg for 25 years.

You may not understand your sexual identity until you have dated both men and woman, to see what feels right.

Fear can block love from taking shape. If part of you is afraid of homosexual love and lifestyle, it can shut that part of you down partially, and sometimes fully. It can also be challenging to approach a woman you are attracted to.  There are ways of helping you know.  For example, if you make direct eye contact with her and let your eyes linger to a bit too long, and she she returns it, it is your fist sign of possible interest.

I think this is even harder for you because the female role in society is more rigid in Latin American than in Europe or North America. It can also be very difficult when a girl has some masculinity.  Straight women can have some masculinity, and well as Lesbians.  I know a straight women who has almost never worn a dress, never wears cosmetics, but she also has a feminine side as well.  Women who are different do not fit well in a rigid society like Arabian countered and your country.

In your country, I understand that it is not that easy to be homosexual.  The church is strong there and has a lot of influence.  This also makes it hard to admit you like people the same gender as you.  You would not want to be homosexual.  I grew up this way so I know how it feels.

PASSIVE/ACTIVE ROLES or DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE ROLES:

Passive/Active Roles & Dominant/Submissive Roles can refer to relationship roles and Sexual roles.  The most important thing to understand about these roles is that it more attitude than anything else.  It is the role you feel yourself to be in.  a man can command and demand, but int the history of mankind, women have often directly controlled such men in their own ways.  My point is that it starts with the role YOU CHOOSE for yourself. Even women in some Muslim cultures who are treated like slaves can actually be the ones in control.  It starts with your attitude, your self-worth and self-confidence.

ROLES IN RELATIONSHIPS: I do not believe that you have to take a passive role in a relationship, Straight or Gay.  You can find a husband or wife who Loves you for who you are and will not be bothered by you wanting an equal role and to be respected equally.  Such men exist, although they may be harder to find in your country.

ROLES IN SEX: Passive/Active Roles & Dominant/Submissive Roles also exist in sexuality.  But this is very misunderstood.  Most people assume that because a women is being penetrated by man it means she is passive, but this is FALSE.  A woman can be in control, be the active partner.  The same is true of a Gay man being penetrated by another man.  He can be either in the passive or active role, or both.   I don’t want to make you blush, but I could explain in more graphic terms.

Do not settle for less than what you want.  If you find yourself liking a man a lot, then tell him outright that you do not take a passive rile in a relationship and expect an equal role. If he cannot live with that, he will stop seeing you.  You will find a man willing to give you an equal role.  Otherwise, if it turns out that you fall in love with a woman, it should not be a problem, but some lesbians are very controlling and you will have to insist again that you will not take a passive role.

If you have any private questions for me, you can sent me a DeviantArt Note.

I wish you the very best and hope you find love soon.

Matthew
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:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
wow, that's a good explanation
don't be afraid of being graphic, I write homoerotic love novels, gay and lesbian.
I think it's clearer now. What is a struggle is the fact that I haven't been been in love, and that makes this harder, but I suppose, as you say, the real answer to all of this will appear when I date both women and men.
And all reduces to find the right person, the person who accepts how I am and how I wanna be in the relationship,  but sometimes I think I'm demanding too much, that I'm dreaming too much and that no one will love and respect and accept me all at once. I'vee seen to many examples of women being with their boyfriends just because is the "normal thing", or because they got "used to it". I had a boyfriend once, actually, but I wasn't in love with him and after a while he became his real person, the demanding and a bit sexist person that made me broke up with him. Sexist in the sense that he rejects the sexual pleasure in a woman. The mere thought of a woman liking sex was just wrong for him and that made me almost hate him. He practically called me a whore.

And yes, in ycountry the thing with church being so awfully present in everything, from politics to ways of thinking doesn't make it easy. In my city a lesbian girl was killed last year and also, there was this guy, Daniel Zamudio, who was beaten to death in 2012, so... it's practically suicidal to be openly gay in this country, unles you are in television or rich. Even then, I doubt it.
But I just hope I fall in love, that's the most important thing, and I suspect the only way will be if I know a person profoundly, not before that. I've known and seen very beautiful -physically- people in my life, and my best friend always falls for them, and I'm there like... "how can you like him? you don't know a thing about him". And the same happens with pretty women. I don't feel a thing.
Thank you for your advice. It's so awesome how much you know about this, or at least how clear it is to you. Thanks for sharing your knowledge, again.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Try letting go of Expectations and not be demanding.You will meet someone who ‘Feels’ right and who is accepting and loves who you are.  Yes, there are this who want conservative conventional women to fill traditional roles, but there are also those who love unique, independent minded and special women, for the tend to be alive with life.

For me to meet someone, I had to force myself out to be social and go to places where I could find someone. Even social events for artists, or event for other things that interest you can be a good way to meet people.

Most people wear a mask when they date.  You mentioned a boyfriend who eventually showed who he is really is. The trouble with using  mask is that if someone falls in love with you, they fell in love with the mask, not you.  For me, the most important thing about a person is how open and honest they are.  How deeply with they share with you who they are inside, how they feel, in a honest way.

Making Love and Having sex are very different things.  When ‘Having Sex,’ the focus in on your own personal pleasure.  When ‘Making Love,’ your focus is on pleasing your partner, and this in turn gives you pleasure.  

If a man is not focused on pleasing the woman or man he is with, he is not ready for love, for he only knows how to love himself. For you, there is also a need to willing to love, to let someone in, to open yourself and be seen.  A person must open their door to let someone in, for love to happen.

People normally easily fall in lust, a pheromone chemical attraction that make you obsessive and crazy abut pome for weeks or months. But most of these fail because they did not wok on actually building real love int hat period.  They just rode the wave until it ran out. Building real love mens sharing activities, sharing hear, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, dreams, sharing who we are.

THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE
When we have a CRUSH ON SOMEONE, it really does change your brain chemistry in a positive way. How strong your crush is will determine the strength of your brain's response.
When you get a crush or start falling in love, you can get huge surges of energy, euphoria and exhilaration. Beside the rush of endorphins, high levels of dopamine suppress the calming and sensible influence of serotonin, another neuro-chemical that influences mood. In normal doses, serotonin is the antidote to stress; the chemical that calms and relaxes us. But when the brain is drenched in dopamine, serotonin is silenced.
The silence of serotonin serves genetic purposes too, as low levels make us obsess about our newfound lover. New love can look like a mental illness and, during the early stages of romance, the chemical make-up of men's and women's brains is no different from those suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). F
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE

It is easier to be open in the large cities of Mexico. Is chile this way?

Your head can get in the way of your heart.  There is NO LOGIC or senseless in love.  You may be very different for him or her. Greg and I are opposites.

There is a better way to find love that to date people you find very beautiful and sexy.  We all know what it is like when we meet someone and very quickly feel a natural liking and comfort with that person, and know you could be freinds or more. If there is also some attraction then this person might be worth dating.

You do not have to like the same things or have a lot of common interests.  What is important is that both of you respect each other and the things you enjoy.  A relationship is like a team, where you each have things to contribute.  You can grow together, while also maintaining a sense of independence and freedom of choice.  Greg and I ask each before making a big decision or buying something expensive, but there is no rule to do that—we do it out of respect for each other.  We maintain separate finances, but share expenses.  There is no need to feel smothered in a relationship.

If you have a long list for what you need to see in man or woman to love, then you are far less likely to find him or her. Know what is important, then keep and open mind about everything else.

All the best…
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:iconsunao17:
Sunao17 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
also I've always been really tolerant about sexuality, so I let myself to question my own sexuality.
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:iconrhianai:
RhiAnai Featured By Owner Edited Jan 6, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Only thing I'd correct you on, Matt, is that Sexual Orientation and Romantic Orientation are separate orientations (A person can be pansexual homoromantic, for instance), and your essay blurs the distinction by saying Sexual Orientation is not (the definition of sexual orientation) but IS (the definition of Romantic Orientation). Separating the two may make for a more complex nomenclature, but it's technically more accurate.

And I'm calling you Matt because I remember when you and I had to try and keep a short leash on a certain tempermental 13-year-old who was trying to run an LGBT group on dA (and doing a poor job of it).
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Beth? Is that the name I should use?  Sorry, I would need another memory-jogger to place you.  I am autistic and have bad memory.  I hope said young one is doing Ok.  Oh to be young again.  He meant well, but I wish he would have been willing to listen, negotiate, compromise…

The purpose of this particular essay is to help young people try to figure out at least roughly what their Identity is.  Many identities do not actually firm-up until around age 25 or so, but there is a lot of angst in young people to understand what they are at a young age.  I had an 11-year-old girl asking me questions on this essay.  I have tired to simplify everything as best as possible. Alas, this essay has consumed every character DA allows, with less than ten character left.

If I had my way, there would only be one designation, Sexual Minorities.  Everyone wants their own letters added to the alphabet soup after LGBT.  I focused on Biologic Orientation, without subgrouping or preferences.  By my last count, there are over 50 subgroups, and then when you combine them, as in pansexual homoromantic, the sky is the limit.

Next, consider that Primarily Gay men can have sex with women successfully and enjoy it, Primarily Straight men can have sex with men and enjoy it,  Primarily Lesbian women can have sex with men successfully and enjoy it, Primarily Straight women can have sex with women and enjoy it.  It may not be what they prefer, but they can do it.

Sexual Orientation cannot be defined in terms of sex, nor can it be defined in terms of attraction. We can look at bisexuality as an example:

THE BISEXUAL ENIGMA: When we look at Bisexuality, its ordinary definition is defined as attraction to people of two genders, but this definition actually makes no sense in reality. Given how all humans are a blend of on a spectrum from heterosexual to homosexual, the vast majority of the human race is therefore bisexual.  If you have a person 85% Straight and 15% Homosexual, there can be enough homosexual present to have some homosexual attraction, although it would not be consciously recognized.   Therefore, where you do decide at what point on an arbitrary scale is a person Bisexual, or any other orientation?  Attraction alone cannot define sexual orientation as we now understand it biologically.

The dictionary definitions given are worthless in the face of the science of human sexuality.  The only real way to make a distinction between the arbitrary labels of Bisexuality, Homosexuality and Heterosexuality, and the subdivisions of Primarily Het/Secondarily Hom, Primarily Hom/Secondarily Het, etc, is by the use of Romantic attraction.

A man who can have sex with either men of women say nothing of orientation.  A man who has some attraction to both genders also cannot define his orientation.  The final determiner is what gender that person has the most natural affinity and rapport with, or if you wits, a Romantic Attraction, which defines who he will form long-term romantic relationships with.

The next problems is that there is no way to know if a person is 70% Homosexual–30% Heterosexual, or any other mix.  It is a big guessing game.  The only way we can guess is by observing our sexual attractions and romantic attractions.  The problem with this is that there are many psychologic and environmental influences that can skew a person’s observations, where entire aspects of sexuality can be suppressed, or exaggerated or distorted.  This makes determining Sexual Identity very difficult for many young people.

Another twist on Sexual Orientation is the Brain’s Adaptability: Your brain will try to adapt its sexuality as needed to survive or fulfill needs.  For example, straight men given life sentences or very long sentences, can form romantic/sexual relationships (not based in rape), out of the basic human need for loving companionship, and sex become based unrolls of protector/provider.  In cased when such men have been release, they revert right back to their heterosexuality pattern.

SEXUAL ORIENTATION > ROMANTIC ATTRACTION & SEXUAL ATTRACTION:

Ok, let us now look at when Sexual Attraction is Bisexual, and Romantic Attraction is Homosexual.  We can look at a woman I know who is Sexually Attracted to both males and females, but her only Romantic Attractions have been with women.  She chooses to identify herself as a Lesbian, because that is her real-world experience, what she is in all practicality, who she hangs out, her parter’s identity, etc.  Now, you could give her another fancy label, like Bi-Homoromantic, or whatever, but less than 99% of the human race will have no idea what it means.  

CONCLUSION:  

I AGREE with you that can define Sexual Orientation using a double (hyphenated) system of Sexual Attraction–Romantic Attraction although you still have the same problems of arbitrary points where Heterosexuality transitions to Bisexuality and then transitions to Homosexuality, and how young people can determine this.

But again, the problems is the over 99% of humans on the planet will have no idea what those sexual orientation labels mean, unless you use common terms and say, Gay–Gay, Bisexual–Lesbian, etc.  it would mean reeducation the world in terminology.

That said, this particular essay cannot grow unless I author it to PDF, which could happen someday.  But then in my experience, young people have little tolerance for long essays.  I can make changes if I delete something first.  I had to chop a lot out of my original to satisfy complaints about not enough coverage of asexuality, and that is a hornets nest…

I DISAGREE that Romantic Attraction should be thought of as a separate Orientation, because it is part of Sexual Orientation.  Sexual Orientation is the combination of Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction.  Note: I use the word ‘Attraction’ for want of a better word.

I gather you would like Romantic Attraction/Orientation to be a separate entity so that it can be cobbled with other niche terms.  Is this correct?  Like using Pansexuality, Genderqueer, etc?  For me, the tons of other terms are all splitting preference hairs to cull-out a special category of identity.  We need labels for identity, but getting carried away DIVIDES US into cliques, and I have already seen how people from one clique can talk in biased ways about others, like we are special compared to you.  We are all the same. We are only talking about who we chose to love, or to live with or to have sex with. I don’t really get why people want to use specialty labels almost no one else knowns, then get angry at you for knowing it.

If we look at Pansexuality, it is about attraction to any gender, in recognition of third and other gender definitions around the world, and blended genders, as opposed to Bisexuality and its flawed definition of attraction to two genders.  To me, this is splitting hairs, since the definition of bisexuality is already flawed.

Labels also objectify us. As I grew up, Gay, or Queer, or Faggot automatically meant child molester, sexual deviant, pervert addict, drunk, useless, danger to society, recruiter of children, etc.  Labels carry a lot of baggage and baggage can be good or bad.

My own personal opinion is that as a Community, we are trying to get everyone else out there to identify to the L G B T labels in a positive way, and adding tons of more terms only confuses and dilutes that message. Still I would not appose people who want their labels.

Some in the community disagree with the notion of Sexual Minorities blending into society, with society being Sexual Orientation blind, no different from gender (assuming we ever get that equal too).  They want the Gay community to be set apart so that we can maintain the Gay Mystique, Gay Culture and think assimilation is bad.  I suppose this is the kind of discussion you would have about Native Americans, so you completely assimilate, or maintain a separate culture.  In the end, it will probably be a mix of both.

Finally, I certainly have no objection, at all, how people choose to label themselves.  If this empowers then that is good.  However, we have an awful lot of bias and discriminate within the Sexual Minority community, against each other, and I would love to see that end.  You have both men and women discriminating again bisexuals in a major way, there is discrimination by Gay men against Lesbians and Lesbians against Gay men, gay men against effeminate men and on and on.

Even recently, my husband and I were meeting my sister and her wife at a Lesbian bar and restaurant, the Wildrose in Seattle.  We arrived first but the waitress pointedly ignored us.  My partner went to her to ask for a table and she turned her back on him.  I can’t stand for long, so we sat down at a table and some 6 or so women glared us in a hateful way.  When my sister and her wife showed up, they looked around, came over to us and suggested we should go elsewhere.  You know those women hate it when people treat them that way, so why would they treat there own brothers that way?  Such is humanity.

All the best, Matthew
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:iconrhianai:
RhiAnai Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Beth works (though I'm trying to slowly get people to start using Ravyn). The group was something like GLBT-Pride-Group or some other nonsense. Little boy blue got upset that you accidentally deleted something of his and kicked you out, despite my arguing in your defense. His account has since been deleted from deviantArt.

My primary reason for saying that sexual orientation and romantic orientation are separate is the asexual community, actually, which exists in a state that is either completely or primarily lacking any sexual attraction whatsoever. Secondary is the group of people who are incapable of emotional attatchment on any level deep enough to be considered romantic (very top of the list being sociopathy, which is primarily identified with an inability to empathize). My final reason then becomes those who are bisexual or pansexual with an emotional preference toward a specific gender.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Ravyn, The arguing over his censorship was going on for about a month.  I posted a reply to something he said and had no idea I had some admin privileges that somehow erased the comment I was replying to. I immediately apologized but…  It was upsetting at the time because having someone hate me hurts.  I am used to it now from large numbers of Christians, who still attack me here, but I was trying to mentor him and that sure want bad. I have to say that his reactions inferred more than teenage stuff, so I think he was overreacting do whatever was going on in his life.  Enough on that, ancient history.

I agreed with you about your Bisexual reasoning, because it is basically how I describe it.  But as you say, using the double word phrasing for all the different mixes would be rather messy, and then you need to get it widely adopted.  I have tried for years to get 'Sexual Minorities' to be used more, because it would be far more inclusive than LGBT, even after adding another 6 letters.

Human Sexuality is actually very complex with all kinds of variances possible.  Trying to lump everyone into set groups is just not possible.

The Asexual Community wants to define Asexuality a Sexual Orientation, and it is not.  Asexuals are homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual, etc.  Asexuality is about LIBIDO, not sexual orientation.  A major problem in the Asexual Community is the lack of a standard definition of asexuality, with wide variances of definition and usage seen in the community.  It is really difficult because a lot of people label themselves as Asexual, when they are not. Like there is a man who has a psychologic trauma problem and is unable to be sexual with his partner.  He considers himself asexual, although going to counseling would cure him of the problem.  There are those who masturbate regularly to sexual fantasy (compared to mechanical action to receive sexual tension) and this in not asexuality.

There are people who have suppressed Libidos due to drugs that have that side effect, including antidepressants that can have a more extreme than usual affect, and psychical conditions, hormone problems (low testosterone in women can cause loss of sexual libido, and the same in men), and psychological issues.

There are those who are shut-down sexually for psychological reasons that suppress their sexuality, and this may or may not suppress romantic attraction and emotions. Psychological reasons can also shut down romantic attractions but keep sexual attraction going.  A common Intimacy affliction is due to the separation of love from sexuality.  People with this are driven to one new sexual partner after another, because sex with one person becomes bring fairly fast, even they love the person. Love acts to keep sex with the same person from getting boring, and it keep your lover looking sexy to you despite the ravages of time and gravity.  People can get this way from a childhood or young adult rape or incest, but the most common reason of all Hooking-up a great deal ( sex with no personal/emotional connection ) over an extended period of time. Love become disassociated from sex and sex it just a thing you do for pleasure.  then they fall in love and after a month or so get totally bored sexually, some the point of not being able to do it at all, then have to find  another sexual partner, and another…

There are a number of psychological issues that can completely suppress a person's sexuality.  An interesting study from the University of Georgia on Homophobia.  they recruited College students who said they were heterosexual and had only ever engaged in heterosexual sex.  They were given an extensive questionnaire to fill out, which was designed to secretly identify how Homophobic each man was. For the purpose of this study, "Homophobia" was defined as a negative emotional reaction (e.g., fear, anxiety, anger, discomfort) to homosexuality. It was measured by a questionnaire called the Index of HomophobiaThe men were each shown pornographic videos of Heterosexual, Gay, and Lesbian Sex.  Their sexual arousal was measured by penile plethysmography, which precisely measures and records male arousal (measures the circumference of their penis).   When shown the GAY Sex video, it was shown that 80% of Homophobic men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men.  The Homophobic men got moderate to full erections 46% more than non-homophobic men. This means that 46% of Homophobic men are likely Bisexual or Gay.

This can happen when 
you are raised in a severely Homophobic environment, then start to feel attractions and urges for members of your own sex, and then HATING those feelings. I know, because it is how I felt. I came to accept those feeling, but some people then consciously or subconsciously BLAME other homosexuals for the “disgusting perverted feelings” they are having. Their Fear, Hate and DENIAL strongly suppresses their own sexuality. This most often likely happens with Bisexual or 'Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight' men, but also happens to full homosexuals.  If they have trouble having sex with women, they blame the women.

CONCLUSION:
1. You raise valid points, but again, how do you create a labeling system that will be adopted and recognized by most people.  
2. I still believe that Romantic Attraction and Sexual/Physical Attraction must stay paired and not separated.  One of the two (Romantic Attraction or Sexual Attraction) might be suppressed, but it is still there.  in the case of Asexuality, it is not even a Sexual Orientation.  It is on the Libido spectrum from Asexuality to Hypersexuality.  Gender is also on its own spectrum.
3. Due to the large number of variances in Human sexuality, there is no way to lump everyone into neat 
categories and labels.  Therefore, I see the labels we use for Human Sexuality as very FUZZY and not absolute.

This is pretty much intellectual speculation and thought for us, since we have no power to change anything, but it is nevertheless useful and valuable to do.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
This has opened my eyes
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I am happy it helped.  If you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask.  If you need privacy, you can send me a Note and no one else will see it. If you do not know how, just go to my DA page and look in the upper-right corner for a button: Send a Note.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
I have a feeling that we are going to have a private talk soon. (if you don't mind)
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Freel free to contact me any time.
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:iconcaldorosa:
CaldoRosa Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
thanks
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Edited Nov 4, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I like this. I do think sexuality is somewhat affected by your environment though. Making claims like this always causes a huge ass controversy because bigots are like "it's a choice" and cite studies linking homosexuality with your environment, which still would not make it a choice... logically at least. I know this is a crude, and overly negative example, but you can get cavities from not brushing your teeth ever, people don't say "you chose to get cavities". It wasn't a choice even if you weren't born with them. Logically even if your environment is 100% responsible for your sexuality and there is no "nature" side to it, only "nurture" it still wouldn't be a choice.

I know there are genetic factors and I also do not believe very many people are 100% straight or gay. There are many correlations biologically between say www.psychologytoday.com/articl… finger length and sexuality that are too perfect for anyone to discount the nature side of it. I am a bisexual male, and oddly my fingers are equal length on one of my hands with my pointer finger barely longer, and on the other one, my pattern matched that of a heterosexual male.

However I do think there does need to be more studies done on environmental factors by people who are not homophobes attempting to figure out how to stop people from being homosexual. 

From experience at points in my life I thought I was basically gay, I was attracted to a few women few and far between, and others I thought I was completely bi. Now I am in my first hetero relationship, and I find myself still attracted to some guys, but not as many proportionately. I still have sexual desires and stuff most "100%" heterosexuals wouldn't have in a million years, but mostly now I am only thinking about my girlfriend. I think I am bi, but my environment at the moment definitely affects me.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Hi Brain,

Thanks for writing.

Keep in mind that when talking about Human Sexuality, that every single human being’s Sexuality is a blend of 4 Spectrums, GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, MASCULINITY/FEMININITY, & LIBIDO.  A person can be a mix of an almost infinite number of combinations.  You can have a straight man who id effeminate and a Straight woman who is masculine, a Gay man who is hyper-masculine and a Lesbian who is Hyper-feminine.  LABELS like Homosexual, Primarily Homosexual/Secondarily Heterosexual, Bisexual, etc, are very ARBITRARY.  Is a man who is 42% Gay and 58% Straight Bisexual?  Where do you draw the lines?  The lines are drawn in reality by how people choose to identify themselves.

You are right that environmental influences on Human Sexuality.  Actually, genetics only produces a genetic PROPENSITY toward a homosexuality nature, however much that might be, or a transgender nature, and it is environmental influences on the fetus in the womb that actually cause.

I will talk about Environmental influences on Sexual Identity, after birth, further down.

There are genetic propensities to produce homosexual children that are linked to the X-Chromosome.  One such gene [ XQ28 ] has already been isolated, but there is more than one gene involved.   Therefore, the propensity to produce homosexual children, from this particular gene, is passed down on the female side of the family, from mother to daughter.  If a woman has this propensity, it is increased if she has previously given birth to a boy or boys.  Each boy born increased the odds of producing a Gay son, but of course she can produce a gay first-born son as well.  If a woman with the propensity to produce homosexual children is exposed to certain environmental factors during one of the two critical sexing-out periods of fetal development, this can also increase the odds of producing a homosexual child.

All of this comes down to the hormonal balances that the fetus is exposed to in the mother's womb during the sexing-out phases of Fetal Development.  The hormonal balance that the fetus is exposed to during the first sexing-out phase determines if the brain of the child will be biased more towards heterosexuality or homosexuality, and the fetal brain will then develop to be anywhere on the Sexual Orientation spectrum, with the greater majority being biased towards heterosexuality.

IDENTICAL TWINS — WHY DO SOME TWINS HAVE ONE WHO IS GAY & ONE WHO IS STRAIGHT?

52% of Identical Twin brothers are both Gay.  22% of Fraternal Twin brothers are both Gay.  Each twin in the mother's womb is in its own Amniotic Sac, each filled with its own Amniotic fluid.  There can be a different hormonal balance in each amniotic sac, which means that one twin can be exposed to a hormone balance that produces a homosexual baby, while the other twin can be exposed to a hormone balance that produces a heterosexual baby.  There are a number of factors that can cause one fetal sac to have a different hormonal balance than the other, such as one being stressed more than the other.

WHY HAS EVOLUTION NOT WIPED OUT HOMOSEXUALITY?

You may have wondered why homosexuality has survived evolution throughout human history, and even in thousands of other animal species, when you would think the evolutionary selection would have eliminated us.  After all, we do not father as many children.  It turns out that the genes, such as XQ28, are also the same genes that increase fecundity (producing an abundance of offspring) in the human race. Looking at the family trees of homosexuals shows more offspring than families without homosexuality.

I can explain Transgender birth also, if you are interested.

STRUCTURAL BRAIN DIFFERENCES IN HOMOSEXUALS FORMED DURING FETAL GESTATION, WHICH ARE FIXED BY TIME OF  BIRTH:

You can take a look at this study Sexual orientation and its basis in brain structure and function. I can link you to some Studies on Brain structure & Homosexuality if you wish, but the most striking is about how these fundamental areas of the brain for Sexual identity and gender are set before you are even born.

OCCURRENCE OF 100% HOMOSEXUALITY & HETEROSEXUALITY:

As you may have seen from this Deviation, I speak of the distribution of Homosexuality and Heterosexuality following a standard BELL CURVE, where 100% Homosexuality and 100% Homosexuality are actually RARE.  The top of the Bell curve is obvious well biased towards Heterosexuality.  Alas, I cannot give an example image in my deviation until I eventually author it to PDF.  ALL of the available data on occurrence of homosexuality is old and based on bad sampling (another discussion).

CAN ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES CHAGE THE BRAIN STRUCTURES DRIVING HOMOSEXUALITY?

The Brains of children are forming millions of new neural connections each day, and the brain continues to develop until around age 25.  The vast majority of this development is the conversion of White matter to Gray matter.  Far less development takes place in the Hypothalamus and Amygdala, where main differences between homosexual brains and heterosexual brains are found, as these areas are mostly formed by time of birth.

The brain can adapt and change through a mechanism called NEUROPLASTICITY.  Neuroplasticity happens when you push your brain hard and constantly over time.  For example, children playing hours of video games each day, for years, results in the brain forming additional and more efficient Neural pathways to improve hand-to-eye coordination and Spatial Reasoning, etc.   I am Autistic and have overcome many of my Challenges through Neuroplasticity.  When a person as a Stroke in the brain, killing part of the brain, a victim is often left with paralysis on one side of the body and often loss of speech.  These functions can be regained partially or fully through aggressive physical therapy and speech therapy.

LIMITATIONS ON NEUROPLASTICITY:
Neuroplasticity never trims out Neural connections and pathways, it only adds them, and this has no affects on the areas of the brain where Homosexual differences are found.

My deviation on The Science of GAYDAR by inspiredcreativity The Science of GAYDAR (a bit outdated now) you will see mention of a number of Gay-linked traits such as the direction of hair swirls on your head, comparative finger lengths, left-handedness, and fingerprints (like your linked article), dexterity, facial recognitions, etc.  HOWEVER, notice that these traits, while find in a much higher percentage of homosexuals, is not found in all of them. This has to do with which genes are involved with which person.  Homosexuality appears to be linked across a number of genes.

GENDER NONCONFORMITY IN PRE-PUBESCENT CHILDREN:

Gender Nonconformity is a phenomenon in which pre-pubescent children do not conform to expected gender-related sociological or psychological patterns, and/or identify with the opposite gender. Typical behavior among those who exhibit the phenomenon includes but is not limited to a propensity to cross-dress, refusal to take part in activities conventionally thought suitable for the gender and the exclusive choice of play-mates of the opposite sex.

Multiple studies have correlated childhood gender non-conformity with eventual gay or bisexual outcomes, although it must be pointed out that NOT all children with Gender Nonconformity become Sexual Minorites.  One study suggested that childhood gender non-conformity is heritable.

Gender Nonconformity shows that even at very young ages Sexual Orientation is showing itself.  it has also been shown that when these children are forced into a ’Normal’ gender patterns, it still does not prevent them from developing into Sexual Minorities.

SEX & SEXUAL ORIENTATION IN PRISON ENVIRONMENTS:

This has been studied a fair amount. Please note I dod not speak of rape situations here. For inmates in for life sentences or very long sentences, you will find some Straight men take a sexual and relationship role as a submissive (only submissive and dominant are allowed in the culture), initially for protection, but then find themselves in a loving relationship and you can see relationships going for 20 years. In cases where the men are released, they revert back to Heterosexual behavior.  

The reality is that men can come to crave intimacy and love, and some will adapt out of necessity and actually build a loving relationship that is completely contrary to their Sexual Orientation.  Their sexual orientation has not changed and when women are available outside of prison they return to their natural Sexual Orientation.

Females Sexuality is more fluid than male sexuality and Straight women often easily slip into Lesbian Relationships in prison, then revert back once they are about of prison. Female Sexual Arousal is different from male arousal, which is more strongly linked to Sexual orientation.

ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES ON SEXUAL ORIENTATION & SEXUAL IDENTITY, AFTER BIRTH:

After birth, Sexual Orientation itself is fixed in the brain, but how that manifests, and how Masculinity/Femininity, gender and libido manifest in the real world, can be influenced to some degree by the environment.

Environmental influences can cause Gay men to marry women and Lesbians to marry men.  It can change mannerisms  and have people put on enduring MASKS of Masculinity or Femininity to survive or blend-in. But those are on the far end of the less acceptable end of Masculinity/Femininity for their gender often cannot adapt enough, even when survival is at stake.

I was Hyper-masculinized by the need to survive in a Merchant Marine Academy and sailing on Merchant ships, where discovery of your Homosexuality meant certain death by being tossed over the side sort ship to drown or get chopped up by the propellor. FBI simply signs-off on them as lost at sea without investigations (1970 & 1980s for me). I retired at age 34, for life, but it took a few years to divest myself of the hyper masculine training.

Ir has been shown for eons that if you take Gay boys and do everything humanly possible to make them straight, it does not work.  You can read about the tortures employed here THE TORTURE OF HOMOSEXUALS by inspiredcreativity The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s

Boys had electrodes connected to their testicles and penis and worse, etc, with High current electric shocks induced while showing the gay pornography (permanent burn scars), and drugs were used to induce severe vomiting and diarrhea while showing Gay porn (this is called aversion therapy).  No matter what hours humanity employed, no one has ever been converted Gay to Straight.  While some have been paraded out, it turns out they are Gay, or later they end up back in gay relationships.  Even the founder of the notorious EXIDUS INTERNATIONAL, apologized and recanted, stating he was still gay, and the current Present has apologized for the damage done to homosexuals by their program.

Extreme denial can push people into sexual and relationship roles in opposition to their natural Sexual Orientation, but it does not change their Sexual Orientation and they revert back to their natural state given opportunity and time.

I have been doing Peer Counseling to the Sexual Minority Community for almost 25 years now, and have seen far too many horror stories of men and women trying to fit themselves into the wrong box or having childhoods of living hells as adults and churn alike try to force children into a different sexual orientation.

I worked with a Mormon Lad whoa the scars of electrocution sanctioned directly by the Mormon Church (the church no longer direct action such treatments, but Mormons can still push young men and women into these treatment.  They must do it or face SHUNNING and lose everything and everyone they have every known.

There are now laws prevent conversion therapy of children in California and New Jersey (upheld in both states), but it is still legal in 48 states.  A new favorite method is using ammonia held under the nose of the child, to induce vomiting, while exposing to Homosexual Pornographic images (which you would think violates the law).  Extreme group shaming and humiliation is also used, as is isolation, cold rooms, etc.

It has also been shown that Freudian and Jungian Psychological theories of Homosexuality and its cure are garbage.

Next comes the years of Frontal lobotomies to cure homosexuality, by inserting and ice-pick-like instrument through the eye socket and up into the frontal Cortex (where all of the higher brain functions are located, and scraping out brain material, turning Gay people in vegetables.

The man who solved the nazi Enigma Code, (thought to be impossible), probably wining WWII, was later convicted of homosexuality and was then castrated and set free.  this was also a favored treatment.

None of it works.

Sexual Identity is far more fluid than Sexual Orientation.

BISEXUALITY:

When using Bisexuality as a Sexual Orientation Identity label, there are some things to keep in mind.  If Bisexuality were to be defined as having any sexual/physical attraction to both genders, then the greater majority of the human population would be Bisexual.  The reality is that some Primarily Heterosexual people will have a small amount of homosexual sexual attraction, but not enough to ever act on it.  Some others have enough homosexual sexual attraction that they might experiment with it and even enjoy it occasionally, but their main interest is the opposite gender. The same it true of Primarily Homosexuals who have a various amounts of Heterosexual attractions.

There are also people who seems to have equal sexual attraction to both genders, but only have romantic attraction to one gender, which means they only ever have relationships with one gender (sometimes after an experimentation phase).

The distinction for Bisexual people is that they have enough Homosexuality and Heterosexuality to be able to feel romantic and Sexual attraction to both genders, and are able to desire and  sustain long-term romantic relationships with either gender.

HOMOSEXUAL MEN CAN FIND SOME WOMEN SEXY & BEAUTIFUL & HETEROSEXUAL MEN CAN FIND SOME MEN SEXY & HANDSOME, BUT HAVE NO ACTUAL DESIRE to HAVE SEX With THEM:

This is natural, but it can confuse Teens and Young Adults trying to figure out their sexuality.

NEGATIVE ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES CAN PUSH A MAN WHO IF PRIMARILY GAY/SECONDARILY STRAIGHT, OR WHO IS BISEXUAL, TO CHOOSE HETEROSEXUALITY, EVEN IF IT IS Not HIS PRIMARY ATTRACTION:

The mind is powerful enough that it can actually suppress some of its attractions to men, or in extreme cases, most of its attraction to men, at least for a while.

A very sad thing is when you have someone who is Homosexual, who then marrieds a woman to hide that.  This typically causes far more suffering for the woman that it does the man, as she has no idea what is going on other that sex dwindles fairly quickly and there is not passion, leaving her feel unattractive, not sexy, unloved and her self-worth and self-confidence plummet, usually while the guy is sneaking of to have sex with men.

LATENT SEXUALITY:

Sometimes Homosexuality or Heterosexuality does not emerge until later in development, and it can emerge up into the early 20s, assuming that there is no Psychological suppression.  More typically it is a matter opportunity.

UP TO 46% of HOMOPHOBIC MEN MAY BE GAY OR BISEXUAL THEMSELVES:

A Study at the University of Georgia found that UP TO 46% of HOMOPHOBIC MEN MAY BE GAY OR BISEXUAL THEMSELVES.

College men were selected on the basis of their report of having only heterosexual arousal and experiences, and who were Straight-Identified.  They thought they were volunteering for a different kind of sexual study.  They were given an extensive questionnaire to fill out, which was designed to secretly identify how Homophobic each man was. For the purpose of this study, "Homophobia" was defined as a negative emotional reaction (e.g., fear, anxiety, anger, discomfort) to homosexuality. It was measured by a questionnaire called the Index of Homophobia.

The men were each shown pornographic videos of Heterosexual, Gay, and Lesbian Sex.  Their sexual arousal was measured by penile plethysmography, which precisely measures and records male arousal (measures the circumference of their penis).   When shown the GAY Sex video, it was shown that 80% of Homophobic men got moderate to full erections looking at Gay pornography, compared to 34% of non-homophobic men.  The Homophobic men got moderate to full erections 46% more than non-homophobic men. This means that 46% of Homophobic men are likely Bisexual or Gay.

If you are raised in a severely Homophobic environment, then start to feel attractions and urges for members of your own sex, you could HATE those feelings. I know, because it is how I felt. I came to accept those feeling, but some people then consciously or subconsciously BLAME other homosexuals for the “disgusting perverted feelings” they are having. Their Fear, Hate and DENIAL strongly suppresses their own sexuality. This most often likely happens with Bisexual or 'Primarily Gay/Secondarily Straight' men, but also happens to full homosexuals.

See also my deviation, The Science of Homosexuality by inspiredcreativity The Science of Homosexuality which is a bit outdated but still has some interesting information.  Go to the end of the PDF where I show how Homosexuality has been documented in over 1500 species, including over 500 in species of animals like, Giraffes, Chimpanzees, Japanese Macaques, American Bison, Kob antelope, Penguins, Dolphins, Walrus, Gray Whales, Black Swans, Guianan-Cock-of-the-Rock, & Dragonflies.

I hope this was of some help to you.

All the best,

Matthew
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I have thought of the high percentage of homophobes who are homosexuals as well. When I was in high school I was somewhat of a homophobe. 

As for your explanation of why it has not disappeared, there is another factor; sex as a social reality. If you look at all of the species with homosexual behavior (most of those are actually bisexual behavior; 100% homosexuality is rare among animals) almost all of them are mammals or birds, species with social connections and higher level thinking. In many species sex is used for exchanging resources and other stuff, so there are social components to relationships in mammals and birds, not just pure Darwinian reproduction. 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Most Sexual Minorities also deal with Internalized Homophobia, although this is decreasing as society becomes more tolerant of Sexual Minorities. Internalized Homosexuality is basically when you dislike, don't want or hate your own homosexual nature, however much you may have. Overcoming this is part of an individual's Coming-pout process.

On the topic of Evolution and Homosexuality, I only spoke of Maternal Fecundity, but you are right that there are other factors as well.  I am happy to see that you have educated yourself on this topic, as few others show interest.

You spoke of Social Reality as a factor in homosexuality persisting against natural Selection and this has been studied:

Kin Selection:
Scientists speculate that altruism may be maintained if the genes producing it help a genetic relative and hence give an advantage to those altruistic genes. The same could be true of homosexuality. Insofar as homosexuals have been freed from investing time and energy in their own reproduction, perhaps they are able to help their relatives rear offspring, to the ultimate evolutionary benefit of any homosexuality-promoting genes present in those children.

While we do not see this as much in modern urban living, in preindustrial and tribal settings, such as in Native American Tribes, this was true (Native American tribes had different names for Homosexuals, which generally translate to Two-Spirits, since it was felt that homosexuals were a bridge between the male and female spirits, and thus held in high esteem). The idea is that homosexuals enhance their own genetic prospects by being "helpers in the nest." By acting altruistically toward nieces and nephews, homosexual would perpetuate the family genes, including some of their own.

We can actually see this now in Samoa, where males who prefer males as sexual partners are widely recognized and accepted as a distinct gender category—called Fa'afafine—neither man nor woman. Research has shown that the Fa'afafine are much more altruistically inclined toward their nieces and nephews than either Samoan women or heterosexual men. They are willing to babysit a lot, tutor their nieces and nephews, and help out financially—paying for medical care and education and so forth. In a new study, scientists found that their altruism is targeted specifically at kin rather than kids in general. Compared to Samoan women and heterosexual men, the Fa'afafine showed a much weaker link between their avuncular (or uncle like) behavior and their altruism toward kids generally. This cognitive dissociation, the scientists argue, allows the Fa'afafine to allocate their resources more efficiently and precisely to their kin—and thus enhance their own evolutionary prospects.

Social Prestige: Additionally, since there is some anthropological evidence that in preindustrial societies homosexual men are more than randomly likely to become priests, shamans, medicine men & Women, tribe negotiators, arbitrators, perhaps the additional social prestige conveyed to their heterosexual relatives might give a reproductive boost to those relatives, and thereby to any shared genes carrying a predisposition toward homosexuality.

Overdominance:
Overdominance suggests that a co-dominant genetic factor in autosomes (a chromosome that is not a sex chromosome) promotes both fecundity and homosexuality. Compared with heterosexual males, homosexual males have significantly more aunts, uncles and cousins in the paternal line, and the paternal grandmothers of homosexual males have higher offspring production, showing that Paternal Fecundity is also a factor offsetting the evolutionary selection pressure against homosexuality.

Fraternal Birth Order Effect:
You have no doubt heard of the Fraternal Birth Order Effect, where the probability of producing a homosexual male child increases by 33% for each successive male birth. For example, I have twin older brothers.  This effect is genetically linked on the Maternal side. For a woman, the presence of male fetus, which is Y chromosome based) in her body is seen as an invader by her immune system, which produces Y-linked histocompatibility antigens. The genetic link is the propensity for a woman’s immune system to produce higher levels of these Y-linked histocompatibility antigens.

A male fetus exposed to higher levels of the Y-linked histocompatibility antigens results in the birth of a homosexual male. Each time a woman gives birth to a boy, her body produces more of the antigens. If she is genetical predisposed to produce higher levels of Y-linked histocompatibility antigens, then the probability of producing a homosexual male child higher, and if she has successive male birth, the probability of producing a a homosexual male child increases by some 33% with each successive male birth.  Note that she can give birth to her first homosexual male child if she is genetically predisposed to produce much higher than normal levels of Y-linked histocompatibility antigens.

This is all very fascinating, yes?

I forgot to congratulate you on your relationship and wish you both the best.  I have been with my husband for 25 years, and I can tell you that you have a lot to look forward to. Remember, Negotiate instead of arguing or fighting.
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Hmm ya it is interesting.

Thanks for advice ^^ 
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Something that might interest you in nature vs nurture is that we no know that genes can be turned off and on in childhood, especially in very early childhood.  This was discovered when investigating the so called WARRIOR GENE, a gene found in high prevalence in prison population and associated with aggression and violence.  But then it was discovered that the Warrior Gene was far more common than suspected, but the vast majority of them never showed signs of violence or aggression.  Then it was found that these ones were turned off in those people. 

It turns out that when a baby with the Warrior Gene received a lot loving touch and loving response, the Warrior Gene gets turned off.  It was also found that even mothers who hesitate and wait to pick up their crying babies and put the babies down sooner than typical, can result in the Warrior Gene being left on. It has now been shown that other genes can be turned on or off due to environmental influences.
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:iconbcollins39302:
bcollins39302 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Student Digital Artist
That's interesting.
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:iconangelgraham:
angelGraham Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for this. This page should be required reading for all.  Thank you.
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome.  If you have any questions, please feel free to send a Note or comment.
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:iconprincesslela:
PrincessLela Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
This is truly informative!
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:iconinspiredcreativity:
inspiredcreativity Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you.  If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.  If the questions are of a private nature, you can send me a DA Note, which will be private and confidential.
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:iconprincesslela:
PrincessLela Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome. And thank you!
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