What Is Love All About?

WHAT IS LOVE (My Definition):

All forms of love have the same things in common: Sharing, Connection, Intimacy, Affinity & Rapport, which all overlap.

The Depth of the sharing, connection, intimacy, affinity, and rapport, plus the more ways you do these things, plus the more levels we share these things on (such as emotionally, intellectually, socially, physically, sexually, etc.), and the ‘span of time’ shared, determines the Kind of Love and the Depth of Love experienced.

I am not talking about a chemical (pheromone) attraction or infatuation, but rather a developed and deeper love. This holds true of family, friends, lovers, people in general, nature, etc.

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The word Love is used in many, many different ways.  When I was dating my first partner, he asked me if I loved him, I could not honestly answer him.  I explained that I did not know exactly what love meant yet, so please give me time to figure it out. I am autistic and grew up in an abusive family life, and back then I had no concept of what love meant, I had no role model for it.  Stated on a quest to discover what Love was all about.

The dictionary defines Love as “An intense feeling of deep affection,” which is woefully short of the mark for explaining the wide usage of the word.  I asked everyone I knew about love, about how they knew if they were in love. Most answers were something like, “You really like someone who you are also sexually attracted to,” “Someone you can’t live without,” and the most common one of all, “If its Love, you just know." Well, I didn't know if I was in love with my boyfriend, but I thought I should be, surely I must be?

I got no clear answers, so I decided to approach this like any other problem to be solved.  I looked at all forms of when the word love is used.  I realized that the love people feel for a best friend can be almost as deep as that of a romantic partner, only without the sexual attraction/intimacy; a pet can be loved intensely, and some people love their car more than most of their friends.  I also realized that while the love of parents, siblings, good friends, pets, and objects look different, they all share five common things: Connection, Sharing, Intimacy, Affinity & Rapport, which all overlap.

We can Share of ourselves, Connect with others, and be Intimate with others, on a number of different levels, such as:
_ Socially
__ Sexually
___ Sensually
____ Physically
_____ Spiritually
______ Emotionally
_______ Intellectually
________ Sharing of the Heart
__________ And the Sharing of Space and Time (living together, roommates, growing up with siblings).

We do not share and connect fully on all levels with any one person, not even your romantic partner.  This is why friends are important to help a healthy romantic relationship to flourish. My partner and I are almost opposites and we don’t have much in common, but that does not keep us from sharing on many levels.

Two strangers, sitting down over coffee, talking the night away, sharing their lives and feelings, is an act of love, in my book.

The Depth of the sharing, connection, intimacy, affinity, and rapport, plus the more ways you do these things, plus the more levels we share these things on (such as emotionally, intellectually, socially, physically, sexually, etc.), and the ‘span of time’ shared, determines the Kind of Love and the Depth of Love experienced.   Feelings of love span an entire spectrum of intensity and type.

Keep in mind that love is not a thing, it is an effect that you experience.  When you start to connect with a person and share with that person, you experience feelings of Love, and this causes your brain to increase dopamine and release endorphins, which make you feel happy. It is Cause & Effect. You do certain things that lead to feelings of love, which helps you feel happy.  Deeper love creates longer-term ‘bonds of love,’ be it friendship, family or romantic love that includes feelings of trust, commitment to each other (in various ways), caring, rapport and comfort.

The Beatles song, All You Need Is Love, could not be more wrong. Love itself does not solve any problems at all, but it can be a powerful motivator for you both to try to solve the problems. I see many newer couples walk away from each other at the first rough patch, and you have to question if there was ever much love there. Commitment means that you will at least make every reasonable effort to make the relationship work and solve problems.

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LOVE HAS FIVE STAGES:

1) FIRST MEETING: Feelings of Attraction and/or Affinity

2) FALLING IN LOVE

3) BEING IN LOVE

4) COMMITMENT

5) EVER DEEPENING LOVE

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FIRST MEETING:

AFFINITY: a spontaneous or natural liking or sympathy for someone or something.

RAPPORT: a close and harmonious relationship in which the people understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well.

When we first meet people (and even animals), sometimes we sense an Affinity, a connection, a feeling like you are on the same wavelength, and sometimes you meet people and get a very negative feeling.   Once you start talking to people you have an affinity with and get to know them, you can develop a strong Rapport with them.  These are the people who become our friends and romantic partners.

Both Friendship or Romantic Love starts when two people having a common affinity with each other, and have enough interest in each other to spend the time to get to know each other more and develop a Rapport between each other.  Romantic Love eventually includes a Physical, Sensual and Sexual Attraction to each other.  Sometimes there is an instant physical attraction and sometimes a more intense pheromone attraction (hot chemistry).  However, sometimes there is little or no initial sexual and/or physical attraction between you, but it develops after you get to know each other more. I was not attracted to my husband when we met.  We become friends and one day I suddenly realized I found him cute and sexy.

Love means many different things depending on the context in which it is used.  A man saying, "I love you," may be really saying, "I love having sex with you," while the woman may hear it as "He wants to spend the rest of his life with me."  For me, when I use that word with someone, I want that person to know exactly what I mean.  When I figured out exactly what love meant to me, I was able to honestly answer my boyfriend, "Yes, I love you, and this is what it means to me…" I described all the ways I loved him, what was special about him, and what he meant to me and to my life moving forward.

SUMMATION: The key words to understanding Love are Connection, Sharing, Intimacy, Affinity & Rapport.

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FALLING IN LOVE

People can experience falling in love in different ways. For some people, falling in love can be a slow gradual process, where it sneaks up on you.  For some it is an intense, exciting, thrilling, and fun beginning, with total infatuation, obsessed with each other, constantly thinking of each other, can't wait to see each other again, you daydream about each other, and you want to be with that person as much as you possibly can.  You crave the other person's company. Your heart will eventually ache when you are away from each other for very long.  You do not feel quite complete without that person.  You want to experience everything together, walking, going to a museum, lying together on the grass in a park, talking for 6 or more hours at a time. The one you have fallen in love with can seemingly do no wrong.  

When you are "Falling In Love," it can be so intense it can hurt and is a bit like a roller coaster ride with fireworks. It can feel like you are on a natural "High." You are more apt to see the other person as you wish they were, instead of who they are. Trust may be blind. Many neurochemicals and hormones are released during the falling in love phase. This physiological process actually narrows an individual's awareness. The one you have fallen in love with becomes the CENTER OF YOUR LIFE.

If you have an intense falling-in-love period, it is probably being fueled by a flood of dopamine in your brain, flooding you with good-feeling endorphins, with the calming effect of serotonin being suppressed.

Also, over time, as you have sex with a person, there is a release of the hormone Oxytocin, which is the BINDING HORMONE, promoting long-term bonding.   Each time you do it with the same person, it is reinforced.  It is also found in a Mother's milk, to promote mother-to-child bonding.

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BEING IN LOVE

Being "In Love" is different from "Falling In Love." The intensity and blindness decrease and it is more of a "Reality Stage," where you start to see the reality of who the other person is, where it becomes more of a thoughtful process, where choices need to be made, compromised reached, and commitment is desired.

Love means that you trust the person implicitly, would do anything for that person, would defend that person, know that person is with you through thick and thin and isn't afraid or ashamed to be seen with you.

True Love means that you accept your partner UNCONDITIONALLY, both the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, not trying to change each other, but instead accepting each other as you are. As Love matures, you may both feel that You Could Not Possibly Live Without Each Other.

NOTE: People can experience "Falling In Love" and "Being In Love" differently than what I wrote above, which is the more typical experience, but certainly not the only possible way to experience Love.

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COMMITMENT:

Commitment is the point in which you believe that there is enough love that you both believe you desire to be together and share your lives over the long-term.  This is when you both make a LONG-TERM COMMITMENT to each other and decide the parameters of the relationship, like if both a ‘monogynous relationship’ or a ‘sexually open relationship,’ how you are going to handle finances and assets, etc.

This may result in an official Marriage, or something more informal.  If it is informal, I highly recommend you put together Deferred Health and Financial Powers of Attorney (applies only if one of you become incapacitated), either Living Trusts or Last Wills and Testament, Directives to Physicians (Living Wills).  Otherwise, you will be helpless if something happens to your partner.

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EVER DEEPENING LOVE:

Infatuation and Falling in Love are like riding the intensity of whitewater rapids roaring over the rocks, whereas mature love is a deep river, that is even more powerful than rapids.

A DEEP RIVER takes time to carve deeply through the rock of life, unlike the white water rapids roaring OVER the rock, starting to carve its path for the ages.

Long-term love deepens and your bonds become tighter as you OVERCOMING ADVERSITY together, suffer together, enjoying the highlights of life together, share life, family, and friends together. You are proving respect and trust for each other, and proving that you are both better as a TEAM than you are alone. It is coming home after a horrible day, to the comfort of your partner.  It is wrecking the car and knowing he will not be judged and you will be supported and comforted.  He or she is there when you are very sick or injured, to care for you.  You never feel alone. You feel safe and secure with each other, and future seems easier and less fearful together. Long-term love is HOME.

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HOW DO WE KNOW IF WE LOVE A PERSON ROMANTICALLY? Here are a few hints:

1. When you are constantly thinking of that person. When that person is the first one you want to call or share something with.

2. When it hurts to be separated for long.  When you want to share even the simplest and small things in life, like sitting and reading in the same room.

3. When you put him or her before yourself, his or her needs before your own. Making him or her happy makes you happy.  You take care of each other and look out for each other.

However, this must be in balance. It is tragic when you sacrifice all for the other, and they just use you, taking and not giving, rigid and never bending or compromising.  Also, you should not sacrifice yourself to the point of harming yourself or being untrue to yourself.

4. You feel a deep TRUST, Respect, and Admiration for this person. He or she feels safe and comforting to you. You trust that in your time of greatest need, such as becoming very ill that he or she will not abandon you, and you will not abandon him or her in their grime of greatest need.

5. You dream of sharing your entire life with that person, growing old together.  You know that people change and grow, and you want to support that and not grow apart.

6. You know there are better-looking people, more interesting, more exciting, more romantic, even better seeming in most ways, and it does not matter, you till desire and CHOOSE to be with this person all your life. You know that as you age you change, and the ravages of time and gravity will have their way on your bodies, and no matter how wrinkled or fat he or she gets, the love will not die.

7. There is a deep and exciting passion for each other. If sex were no longer possible, you know that your love would be enough to sustain you.

8. You accept him or her unconditionally, the good and bad, without a desire to change him or her. You know him or her well enough now to know all the things that annoy or bother you, and you know you can live with it.

9. You are willing to work hard to stay together, willing to compromise and find the middle ground. Most importantly, you trust that neither you nor the other person will walk away from this love without first trying everything possible to salvage it.

10. You feel that you can share your secrets, desires and open yourself fully to be seen by him or her.  You feel that there is nothing you cannot talk about.

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NEEDINESS & CODEPENDENCY:

There is always some neediness and codependency in loving relationships, but too much need or codependency is unhealthy and destructive to relationships.  If we go for long periods without intimacy and love, or periods of loneliness, we can become very needy, and have someone suddenly fulfilling those needs can feel like love  If you feel empty inside, depressed or have low self-worth, you may end up looking for a person to fill up that void, to complete you, define you, or to make you happy, when you cannot do these things for yourself. Having these needs fulfilled can feel like love.

The healthiest loving relationships, with the exception of children, are when both people are able to be happy ‘on their own’ and have a life of their own (friends, interests), who do not ‘need’ the relationship, but rather ‘desire’ one. Obviously, all relationships have periods when one person becomes needy for a period of time, and some become that way long-term, due to things like disability, medical problems, addictions, psychological issues, etc.

Need can disguise itself as love.  When you ask yourself if you love a person, be sure to examine how much you need the person, vs how much you love the person. This gives you the opportunity to work on decreasing need, typically through cognitive and behavioral therapy to increase self-worth, help you develop some independence and your own interests.  If the neediness or dependence cannot be changed, due to things like physical disability or chronic illness, then you can work on how to mitigate its effect on the relationship and other ways to balance things as best as possible.

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Is It Love Or Infatuation?

• Infatuation is a desire driven by hormones and our own particular attraction matrix (instinct, environmental influences growing up, genetic programming).

• Love is a desire of more than the physical, it is a desire of who the person as a whole, the essence of the heart and spirit, their belief and value systems.

• Infatuation is all about being blind to who a person really is, even choosing to ignore what you see.

• Love is based on knowing who a person is, and accepting all of it unconditionally. It is something that takes time to nurture.

• Infatuation diminishes with time.

• Love grows with time.

• Infatuation is based on what you want a person to be.

• Love is based on who a person really is, both the good and the imperfections.

• Infatuation can be fully focused on desiring physical and sexual intimacy.

• Love is not centered on physical and sexual intimacy, but it does greatly amplify it, taking it to a new level.

• Infatuation is uncertain. You are full of questions. Is it going to work?  Is he or she going to break up with me, does he or she really like me, am I going to get dumped, does he or she find me attractive enough, and on and on?

• Love is founded on trust. There is a feeling of security, safety, and certainty about the future of your relationship.

• Infatuation makes you more impetuous in your actions and behavior, making it more likely to make mistakes in judgment.

• Love makes it more likely that you will collaborate or work together with the one you love, giving a much better chance to avoid mistakes in judgment.

• Both Infatuation and Love make you miss each other when you are apart.

• Infatuation can lead to love, or to break-up.  IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.

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OASIS

Love does not fall on an untouched heart
Or seed in a garden chaste.
Until it once has been plowed apart
The heart is a desert waste.

So raze and trample the virgin turf.
To every blade and blow
Offer the rich but unmixed earth
So love will grow.

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How can you know happiness without knowing sadness? They are relative to each other, as are love and hate, good and bad, beauty and ugliness.

How can we appreciate one unless we have experienced the other? The greater our experience of sadness, the more we will appreciate our happiness.

Love lost, heart torn asunder, the emptiness, grief, and loneliness felt, ALL of these will make us appreciate new found love, even more.

As Time Is Eternal, So Is My Love  This saying is about continuing to feel love for a person even if you have drifted apart, separated or realize that even though you love each other, you are incompatible to live together and share your lives.  Love requires FORGIVENESS.  I have ex-partners who hurt me and used me, but I let go of negative feelings (forgiveness) and still have love in my heart for them. The love is not of a nature that would allow us to be romantic partners again, but we shared years of our lives together and many experiences together.  They are part of who I am.  Try to keep this in mind.  Holding hate in your heart for someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  It harms you and diminishes your capacity to love. Love and hate are incompatible.

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© Matthew Barry 1985, 2003, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018